As you may have gathered from the motif of this site – I really like Harry Potter. So it is with much pleasure that I present this review of the second movie adaptation. I would do a book review but I’m lazy...i will do them eventually. 

A note of caution, I am all of the following: A slasher (D/H is the only thing worth shipping), an obsessive Draco fan, a hater of canon anniliation, a person prone to going off on tangents at really odd intervals and lastly a person sick of seeing Chris Columbus’ kids in every scene. If none of this causes you to want to claw your own eyes out, please proceed. 

It starts off with Harry in his room. He starts talking and we see Daniel Radcliffe has acquired a deeper sexier voice. Anyway, it's not long before Dobby (complete with annoying voice) shows up. We have a very butchered and unfunny version of the pudding scene, poor Harry gets locked in his room but Ron shows up and saves the day. It's about the only useful thing Ron does throughout this film, because for some reason Steve Kloves (the screenwriter) seems to think Ron is good as comic relief, not as the loyal best friend of the bloody hero or anything y'know, like he is the books.

They get to The Burrow, get caught and is it just me or is Julie Walters just not right for Mrs Weasley? Mrs. W is meant to be quite fierce when she's mad, Julie just does not look or act very threatening. Harry isn't at the Burrow long though, we are barely introduced to Mr Weasley (yes, let's not waste time introducing fairly important characters, we've got special effects to show off damnit). Harry Floo's to Nocturne Alley accidently, escapes from Borgin and Burkes after an attack by a severed hand (that did make me jump) and then meets Hagrid and Hermione. Hermione fixes his glasses, but strangely The Ministry wizards don't show up to arrest her! What a dumbass Harry was being before, he could have let Hedwig out! Maybe he just enjoys being cruel to his owl, or maybe this is just a bad piece of retconning by Kloves. Great, we're not even really half an hour into this film and we're ignoring cannon. This shall not stand.

Later on, Harry runs into Gilderoy Lockhart (a faultless Kenneth Branaugh) and then Draco Malfoy, looking very gorgeous. We also get to see Ginny show some personality, which we don't see very often because in the HP world according to K & C characterization means sod all. Note to Tom Felton - Stop. Spitting. In fact, stop shouting as well, you sound like Davina McCall and that won't win you popularity points. Note to Jason Isaacs - You. Rule. And, and we also witness Hermione stealing Dumbeldore's lines, i know the girl is supposed to be smart but c'mon.

The Lucius-Harry confrontation is very good, and a great indicator that Daniel Radcliffe is a talented actor, he's still just rather new to the game. Also, Draco's 'see you at school' made the Slash Goddess in me smile. Yeah, i sit here looking for slash vibes. Like in PS/SS didn't anyone notice how Draco kept licking his lips every time he saw or was speaking to Harry? Right, i'll stop that line of thought now...

Moving on, Harry and Ron can't get through the barrier at Kings Cross so they steal the Weasley's flying car. In a bad attempt to make the journey more exciting we have them getting chased by the Hogwarts Express and Harry nearly falling to his death. Ok, the Harry bit was good, but the Hogwarts Express bit just made me want to yell 'Oh Puh-leeze.' Wouldn't all the students have seen them, for crying out loud? The whole thing is not well directed either, there's no sense of awe or excitement or movement to be drawn from the camera angles Columbus chooses. It could have been good as well...

Much later at school, we meet Colin Creevy. We don't learn anything about him, we just meet him. We also get the 'Mudblood' confrontation (again Felton, Stop.Spitting.) and again Hermione is nicking lines, except now they are Ron's. Great, take all of Ron's intelligent lines so he's left to act like a buffoon or just plain useless for the rest of the film. Kloves, character annilation is annoying and infuriating. Stop.It.

Um, so we have the customery Quidditch match, Harry hears voices and the duelling scene rocks the house. Except for one thing, Tom your spitting again. I know you have a retainer but it's annoying, and you did it in the first film as well. Stop.It.

So moving on, Harry's hears voices, poor Mrs Norris ends up Petrified...in fact a few people do and always when Harry's around. Could Harry be the Heir of Slytherin that supposedly could open the Chamber of Secrets? Well, you never really suspect it, and annoyingly they were some soul searching Harry scenes cut that could have not only made the sudience themselves wonder but also have added some character to Harry. But remember, characterization is second to affects, so the scenes were chopped.

So, they suspect - Malfoy! They make the Polyjuice Potion, which strangely is not only not located in the Restricted Section but also apparently the ingredients are suddenly freely available as well. Hell, everyone in Hogwarts could make it! Sigh...***cough*** retconning ***cough***

Harry and Ron change into Crabbe and Goyle, but still have their voices intact. Strangely, Malfoy doesn't notice. Kloves, Draco is not dumb, he would definately notice that a) Crabbe and Goyle were talking coherently and b) they are talking in different voices that sound suspiciously like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, now he would definately notice that. He only hates them with a fiery vengeance after all. Oh, but what does logic matter. Also, why is Draco stealing? Why throw that in? And Tom is still shouting, but not spitting as much. Stop.Shouting.

It's obviously not Draco, so they set about finding out whom it is. And it all pans out in a very Scooby-Dooish fashion (it’s the person who has only been in the film about three seconds at most. The book did it far more artfully) –athough we get the bonus of a Petrified Hermione, an event that even i saw coming a mile off in the book. It’s a blessing in the film because Emma Watson – capable actress though she is – has one of the most irritating voices ever put to celluloid. I had a secret cheering moment when Malfoy insulted her. 

I liked the rest fine, oh except for two bits at the end – firstly, the one with Lucius about to cast the Avada Kedavra curse on Harry. God, i can just see the board meeting on that one.

Kloves: I've got the best idea Chris, why don't we have Lucius try and use the Avada Kedavra on Harry at the end? I know it makes no sense and is incredibly stupid of Lucius, but those who haven't read the books won't get it and those who have will be pleased at in joke. It shows we have read the books, they'll love that, they'll never notice the lack of logic.

Columbus: Can you shove one of my many offspring into that scene, in the background?

Kloves: Err, yeah probably.

Columbus: It's perfect.

More friggin cannon annilation. Lucius would never be so daft as to cast the Killing Curse at Hogwarts under the nose of Albus Dumbledore. Note to the Dream team - if you want to shove an in joke somewhere into the film, do it logically. Geez.