| Safety Pin Sammi feels... |
| -the last update on this site was at: 4:22 AM on: July 12th -veiwing: nothing -wearing: red skirt and white tank top -conversing with: no one -wanting: to know what to do -feeling: self consious, doubtfull, alone -listening to: bad religion- infected and casualties- punk rock love -consuming: nothing -wishing: that I knew what to do -thinking about: what I should do |
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| June 9th/June 10th THE SHOW WAS F*CKIN' AWESOME!! LOL... I went around taking pictures of hot guys... click the link up there to see them... this weekend has rocked! I went down 206 and amwell wrapped in paper towels and duct tape on friday. We (kary, diana, steve, kim and me) went swimming and hung out for like an hour and half and then we went to angelo's at 10:30. FUN FUN FUN!!!! I kinda miss hanging out with marc... but oh well. I'm sorry Steve C... I'm sorry for kicking u in the balls!! It was an accident!! Thanks Steve S's mom for the rides and the usage for the cell phone... Thanks to all the family's and especailly the Colon's for making it a great show even with the Police Crisis... Best metal/hardcore bands: 1. Void Of Thought 2. Blindside Best punk/pop punk.emo bands: 1. A Day Late 2. Dumbfounded 3. A Dollar and a Dream |
| 6:10 June 5th: Police cars are comfy I just got home from kary's house. I ran there after I got into a huge fight w/ my parents. My mother called me a whore, a "f*cking whore", a lesbian,, stupid, ignorant, and shit. She bad-mouthed my friend who are more my family then anyone else. I am not aboutn to stand for this so i bitched at her back... All i wanted is for her to shut up and just leave it be. She went on an on about it and after like five minutes of semi-evil stares and being bitched at... screamed back. She wanted to go after me and hell i don't care if i get beat up. I would have gone after her... My dad held me back and i had to fight for like three minutes to get loose.As soon as i did i ran to my room andslammed the door. In sat behind the door and my dad opened it and i was pushed really hard againast the wall. He came in and tryed to "talk" to me instead of just leaving me be. I yelled and screamed for him just to leave me alone but he kept saying i can't leave you alone and all this bullshit. When he would try to reach out and touch me, i hit his hand away and i started to hit the wal. I was hyperventelating and i started to hit my head on the wallin hopes that he would leave or i would knock myself out. He sat down and i bolted out of the house and ran to kary's where i hung out w/ katy until the cop came. cop cars are comfy. Just about the whole time, except when i was at kary's i was sobbing. *Please excuse the typos, etc.. I was still in tears at the time.. |
| Spiffy Do! june 11th These last two weeks have been quite interesting. I started really hanging out with kary and diana again. I started haning out with kim and steve. I have been that partial mediator or whatever you want to call it for steve and kary and it looks like their gonna go out now... My mother has called me a whore, I have gotten a ride from the cops, i have been called a "slanted eyed asian" which isn't me but i was still greatly offended, i was sent on a guilt trip from my ex-bf, gone to a local show, kicked someone in the balls (I"M SORRY), been wrapped up in paper towels and duct tape and walked home on the two busiest roads this town has to offer... It been a rather interesting few weeks. I have no complaints except for the whore thing... and such. About the steve and kary thing...Kary is one of my best friends (diana is the other), i love the girl to death. Steve, he's hot... and yeah i did like him, but like so many other guys... i knew from the very start I had no chance what so ever. Oh well, i can deal. It's not like i haven't before. Since they both are friends and steve is becoming a very good friend... I'm happy if they are happy. It's cool... i'll still think he's hot but hey whatever. They look good together. I'm doubting myself more again... I'm getting a little depressed... but i'm sure I'll get over it soon. i hope...Depression wise i've been pretty good lately.. hehe yay! After the whole break up with kevin, i'm now thinking... damn i bet I won't have another boyfriend for a great long while... this kinda really sucks...f*ck it I'm such a pig... today i ate at one meal... two cheese burgers, a salad, fries, chicken nuggets, and a milkshake... i finished it all... |
| Oddities of having Pink Shoes: June: 17th I feel really odd right now. I found out the reson why my middle toe on my left foot has been hurting so bad and crap. I was stung by a bee there. That is the first time ever that I have been stung by a bee. Kevin seems to have found a new girl... or two..? Good for him. I have found no one but hey, I'm having fun right now so it's all good. It's all that and a bag of chips... lol. I went to see Tomb Raider with Kim, Diana, and Steve well yeah yesterday... It's 1 am...lol I'm tired right now... School is over on Thursday!! YAY!! I got my yearbook on friday.... Adam Venanzi is so cute in it and so is chris!! Steve and marc are cute too... lol. if you don't know this already, well here's the vital info. I've had this crush/thing for Adam for like months now, almost a year... lol I have no life... I'm such a loser... lol, oh well. He knows that I like him so you don't have to tell him. I got the pics from the show and put a few up... hope ya like them! It seems like I did a very good job in the Model UN simulation In World History... i have been invited to join, so I did. I'm offically a nerd now.. Yay!! My country I represent is Cambodia. Fun Fun! My parents are kinda making me get a job. I'm going to work at Shop Rite for $5.50 an hour bagging other people's stuff. Fun. I have to start traing for cross country next year too. And to top everything off... I had a D in science and an F in math... That's what happens when you don't do any of the work... lol. Oh well. In english I an an A, History a C(no effort used there) and in Spanish either a B or a C... yay... go me... I suck! I'm lazy and I didn't do crap this MP and I'm paying the price so what. I'm almost at the point of giving up on guys. Yeah so I still like adam, but can I even say that I like him? I don't know him!! I know superficsal details about the guy that's all... damn it. I'm screwed. I have found no one and it seems like this summer is going to be a lot like last summer. I hang out with the same people everyday. This time it will be Diana and Kary instead of Katie and Diana. Every guy will automatically fall in love with Kary and begin talking to me and crap to get closer to her and get to know her better... damn it. It happens all the time. Grr.. Why am i so ugly and stupid and me? Why doesn't anyone want me? damn it... there goes my selfesteem again. I thought I had it back but I guess not.. I burned a hole in my lawn yesterday... lol My dad was mad, very mad... LOL I have pink shoes now too... Bright friggin' pink. They look awesome. |
| I tell you I feel fine, but is feeling fine supposed to feel like dying? June 18th So yeah. Kary, Steve, and Kim are over right now. My dad is planning on yelling at me later for having them over. For some reason he seems to dislike Kary. But oh well. He's mad because they alwasy have food and I offer them drinks and basically whatever they want. I feel a bit used because of this but oh well. I took my math and english finals today. It was bad. I got six hours of sleep last night. fun fun fun.... I was awake until I got halfway through math. I fell asleep kinda and yeah. I think I did decent but still bad on that. English i zipped through and I thought it was really pretty easy. So yeah that was cool. On my essay question, I think I did pretty well. Yay! Go me. I feel bad for Bill. Well. not bad but sorry. Kary and Kim are like scared of him and think of him as annoying and yeah I see where they are coming from but still. He's just a person and he doesn't have that many friends that he hangs out with. He's like me in a way, just sits in front of a screen for hours and yeah... sits there. I told him that he could hang out with us one day. Hell one day, not a big deal. kary acts like it's the spread of the black plague. He's actually really pretty once you get to know the guy. He seems like a good friend. I was invited to little movie party thing on Friday at Ian's house. It's all because I told him I had never seen The Rocky Horor Picture Show. Oh well. sounds fun and I think Kim and Bill are going too. It should be fun. School ends on Thursday. I think I'm going to wear a dress or a skirt that day. I haven't all year lol.I need to get a lot more people to sign my year book... Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda... Damn it, these past couple days I've really been thinking a lot about class. Damn so many people don't have it. grr.... That just makes me mad. I mean damn I try to show as much class as I can. I try to be the best host and shit. I really do and crap. But then when people just treat me like shit afterwards it's not a very nice feeling i get... grrr.. damn it. I still feel really inadequate and right now, kinda really awkward. grr. Depression is back... not a lot but oh well. It was gone for like two weeks or at least it wasn't affecting me as much. Gah. I hate being me. I don't appreciate being me. I wish I was someone else. Damn, everything is falling apart beneath me. Damn it. Oh yeah I deleted Napster off my comp. I use Songspy now. My SN on Song Spy is KrypticAngel.... |
| Finals Suck like cheap purple hair dye. June 19th It's Thursday. I just got home from school like twenty minutes ago. I just didn't feel like staying. I had gym now so I could have stayed. Not like we're really doing anything... So i choose to leave and I just came home. Kary and I had our yearbooks switched and she didn't bring mine. Oh well... grr.. I feel really crappy. I wish I didn't get out of bed today. I really wish I did. I hate my life. I hate being me. I hate everything about me and everything I've ever done. I seem to be replaying everything embarrassing, everything terrible, everything i do wrong that I can remember over and over. My mind is making fun of me. My mind is betraying the "trust" and attempting to kill me. I feel bad, i think, because people tend to use me. I feel used, almost abused. I feel worthless and helpless. Alone. Kim wants me to go up to Adam and get him to sign my yearbook. Ha. Yeah I know he's just another guy. Not a god or something, but i dunno. I've liked the kid for like a year now, and I think he knows that I like him, I'm pretty sure. I bet he thinks I'm wierd. I bet he thinks I'm a stalker. I'm not. I never once "stalked" him. I would go to Angelo's, my favorite pizza place, to see him a lot. my friend, Marc is friends with him. He hangs with him sometimes.When Marc and i were closer... I would call him almost everynight. He would put Adam on the phone... lol. So I joke about "stalking" him. Ha! i would never do that. That's just wierd. I think he's just so cool. He doesn't talk that much, so it's kinda mysterious and just cool. He seems like chris in a way, he knows he's cool so he doesn't have to do anything about it. He's really cute and just aww... lol if you're a guy reading this... shut up I know it's emo-ish. He acts so sedated... sorry I have a thing for sedated guys... I dunno, i just do. I've been listening to Silverchair a lot more. I love Silverchair. I'm almost at the point of moving them to my 1st favorite band. I love the lyrics and Daniel's (the lead singer) voice is so.... awesome. i've been putting this purple hair dye stuff in my hair. It looks pretty cool. Although, it washes out like after on wash... hahaha. I want it permenent, but i'm a wuss. Later that day... Yeah... So after going back to the school and having diana throw some random bullshit at me for not feeling well, Kim missed her bus and we went back to mine so she could call. We drove her home and I got Mc Donalds! Yay! We raced a garbage truck too.. lol. I still felt mentally like crap. I got home scarfed down the food.. lol I'm a pig. Then i was talking to Ian... yeah i told him that I had sugar cookies and he wanted one... so lol i was bored so i walked over there(like 10 or 15 min. i went slow). We watched part of Titus(wierd ass movie... don't watch it... lol)... things led to another ad he asked me out and duh yeah... Give it a shot... Damn it. I like him, he's cool. Finals tomorrow. Damn it. My two hardest ones... damn it. grr!! |
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| Hot... Silverchair is awesome. Sedated guys are hot... |
| June 21st Aww... lalala... *F*CK! KUNT! MUST STAY F*CKING CALM! **SPAZZZ** F*CK! KUNT!* Hmm.... yeah... right, I'm feeling rather depresed right now... haha I don't know why... gah! It started out "fun," well actually it was boring. Is it normal to feel awkward, unwanted, odd, funny, stupid, out of place, etc... when you're with your friends? I felt like that today, A LOT. oh well. I wore a "skort" today... yeah that was cool. For once in the whole school year I looked good, but then I took my hair out of the clip and then it was like gah! ew! It's her... I went home after I cleaned out my locekr and dumped my ish here. i went back to the school met Diana there, had a few people sign my yearbook... and they were giving out free aol CD's so we stole a bunch and put them in my backpack... 103 and CDs in total. Yay! that's some quality burnage material. hehe. then we went to Bagel BOP and met up with some peoples... Five of us went back to my casa and then we went back to the school, we made it just before it began to pour.We hung there for quite a while. Kim and I ran outside a few times and got wet. HEHE. Yesterday... Ian and I (mostly Ian) were trying to set up Kim and Ryan... Ian wasn;'t in school so I did the setting up during school... hehe, it was fun... Some people came back to my house with me and we watchde Teletubies and some little kid cartoon 64 Zoo Lane... funny ish.. Kim and Ryan were like yeah... They look so cute together. We went back to the school... for the last time this year... YIPEE!! and then went to Ian's house. A bunch of us crashed there. Like ten or tweleve. Kary, Diana, Kim and I crashed downstairs and watched the 9th gate. Some people came down adn then some left... but yeah. Interesting movie... I almost fell asleep like three times but Ian woke me up. Oh well. Ian so sweet... he's so nice too... aww! Ryan and Kim were under a blanket for most of the time. They really look cute together... Near the end of themovie... they kinda when under the blanket and didn't come up for a great long while so yeah... um... yeah... I'm happy for them, really!! But ew... lol. Anyways... we ended up leaving and going to Steve's house, I kinda wish I didn't b/c I didn't want to leave Ian... but oh well. I feel like a crappy girlfriend. I also kinda feel like he doesn't really like me that much at all but oh wellz. Steve's house was the usual Steve's house. We sat there and watched TV... You Gotta See This... some fox thing. IT WAS SO COOL TO SEE A SQUIRELL WATER SKIING. WE ended up walking back to my house and hangin here for awhile. I setup my comp. again b/c i just got a cd burner... yipee! I dispeared for awhile b/c i was so tired. I haven't been eating well at all. I haven't eaten much latly... badness. I got bitched at from my parents. Redundant assholes. Oh well. We went to angelos and blockbuster. Kary pushed me around in a shopping cart... fun fun!!! I have a strange feeling that Ian doesn't really like me. Oh well. School out! yay! It doesn't feel like it is but it is! yay! Dude... I must have walked like ten miles today... woah... lol. "Hey did you almost die?!" "yeah" "woah" Today was odd. It was fun but i felt depressed still. The Ass Hunter!! Raptor Chase!! |
| June 24th Webcams are Fun! Yesterday was cool. I woke up at a decent hour and at 1 Bill came over, we hung out with Kary and walked around in the rain. It was sweet. Then I went to Walmart... I got more blank cds and a WEBCAM!!! Yay! I went to the movies and saw The fast and the Furious with Steve (rabid), Kim, and Ryan. Fun!! The movie was really good, the cars were hot, the guys were hot, it's all good... lol. But it was entirely too ghetto for me. but yeah, I liked it. I got earrings, i dunno why, I hate wearing earrings. We went to Boreders and stuff... hehe I know where I'm dragging Ian to and Tuesday! I want to get the Silvercahir CDs and an Aquabats CD... Kim Slept over. WE were online and on the phone until like 2 AM. We played with the Webcam and sent pics of us and stuff to Ian and Ryan who were online. Kim was also on the phone with Ryan... lol! Kim is so cute... lol aww, hmmm, ehhh... lol. I'm happy for them! They look so cute together! I miss Ian! :( Check out some of the pics from yeah...yesterday night and this morning Sammi <3's Ian Ian's so cute! I'M NOT CUTE |
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| June 28th 2:00 AM is my favorite time of day.... Ok... So i haven't written in a few days... I'M SORRY!! Anyways... I think Ian's too nice.. He pays for stuff too much. I don't like it wehn people do that... I mean yeah free stuff that's all good but c'mon i feel like i owe him stuff and yeah.. He won't let me pay and stuff... Last night at around 11 my mouse died.. My comp. mouse, I don't have a real mouse. I was very mad. So i stayed up until like 3 cleaning my room b/c i was so bored. i found my Zippo in the mess!! I'm so happy.I fixed my bed... I tightened the frame... whenever anyone would like sit on my bed the box spring would fall in... it was bad and funny... hmm.. I saw Evolution the other day... that was um... yeah... interesting. The movie was pretty good but I would have rather waited until it came out on cable. I got a red skirt today... it's pritty.. and plaid-ish and red. Very cute... I'm probably gonna wear it tomorrow at Kim's movie night. I got a movie today too... Loser... I haven't seen it yet so yeah, I hope it's good. I want to get Crouching Tiger Hidden dragon... rweewy bad...!! I need to clean my room more... I'm downsizing once again... I want to get rid of crap. Yesterday night I had a delightful and rather comical argument with my father that started because of my curfew. It seems my parents are well stupid. Steve isn't moving, which is cool. I need to start running... gah.. my dad keeps bitching at me about it... I wish he would shut up. the bastard. Ive been listening to techno... Bad Religion... and the beatles quite a bit for some reason. I can't wait until my birthday. I put more pictures up around my room last night. I think Ian and I make a rather *interesting* and quite *odd* couple.... but hey, i bet it's just me. Diana said we are an *odd* couple but a good *odd*. She said our personalities are a lot alike which is cool. So far it's been a week and two days. Yeah coolness. Fireworks on Saturday... YAY!! There is an awesome punk show that day too but yeah... I'm me and lazy and no ride so yeah. No show. And Yeah I would never miss the fireworks! Woah.. this entry is like all over the place... hahaha I'm feeling rather detached from people for some reason. I don't like it. I feel like odd around my friends, that's not normal. I don't like it. Maybe it's the depression. PLus my paranoia... ha! I'm still rather "weary" about Ian... does he really like me? My parents are stupid idiots who need to realize when year it is and why exactly my lifestyle is. They need to understand that I'm not a f*cking slutbag whore. They need to figure out that I'm not a druggie. They need to realize that, considering, I'm a little more laid back compared to them when it comes to the house. They need to figure out that, it's my f'*cking room and I can do what I want to it.They need to realize that yeah.. I'M WILLING TO GET A JOB ON MY OWN. THEY DON'T HAVE FORCE ME. I WANT ONE. |
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| My Socks and me doing something... really fast..? |
| People I love: (in no particular order) Kary- Best friend... i know your always there for me!! You're so fun! Diana- Best friend... gotta love you! So many great times... Steve- new best guy friend...You rock... you're just so... cool I know I can trust you! Marc- I miss you!! You're still awesome Chris- Aww Chris, you're so cute! Kim- Aww... Lalala... Ew... I'm so glad I met you and got to know you, you're so awesome! Megs- Fun stuff!! We need to hang more.. Sonia Miloche will be missed! Amber- You're plain awesome, such a cool chick! Super nice! Ian- You're so sweet!! Too nice... but that's a good thing! Bill- Rad.. I can tell you like anything, and I know I can trust you! And it great to meet someone who has like same "obession" with websites and computers... |
| June 29th/30th (((12:25))) Today was interesting. I woke up at about 11 because of stupid phone calls. People shouldn't call me before noon, damn it. I got up and ate something or other and put my bathsuit on. My parents went shopping for stuff. I went out to the pool and went for a swim... the water was cloudy but it was still fun. then I sat out on a lounge chair for about a half hour or so... wow i got tanner...I invited Steve, Kary, and Diana over too. They showed up and Kary and I went swimming Steve pushed his wood around the patio and stuff and then Diana came in like an hour and half later... fun. When my parents came home I vegged out on McDonalds and stuff and then we rode my bike, the bright red tricycle, and steve pushed his wood to Diana's house... fun. We went swimming there and came back. On the way back... Steve almost killed Diana and me.. on the tricycle... it was scary.. I took a shower and stuff. We went to Kim's movie night. It was fun. We watched Fight Club... and part of American Beauty and most of Vampire Hunter D... very good stuff. Ian was there... yay! I hung with him for much of it. He's so nice... aww. Sammi likes Ian... hehe!! I'm still feeling quite detached... and for some reason... even though I really don't like him anymore... I keep thinking about Kevin every so often... grr. I mean yeah it was fun but god, I don't like him... make it stop!! Why do I feel so "sad"? Why do I feel awkward with my friends? Why do think I'm ugly? Why do I look at my scars and think they're almost beautiful yet, strangly, still painfull. I need to star running... And it now seems like Shop Rite... the place I was going to work for... isn't hiring anymore... Oh well, F*ck it... If you look down below... I'm being extrememly honest for some reason... oh well WTF is up with me? |
| People I've had crushes on through out my freshman year: Adam Chris Marc Erik W. Steve C. Steve S. Jay(ew... yuck that bastard) Kevin Ryan Rob |
| July 1st It's seven days until my birthday, six until my party. I'm sitting here in my room, the blinds shut, light off, the only light is from the little crack in the blinds, my tv, and the computer. I'm watching Girl, Interupted. It's the first time I've ever watched it. It reminds me of News Years, seven months ago, but it seem like it was three weeks ago. I made several suicidal threats that night. I got into a fight with my parents. It got a little physical. No one was hurt, physically. My dad had to restain me. He wouldn't let me go. He wouldn't leave me alone. So I kicked and screamed and frought my way free. My mother called the police... and an hour laterthe police had put me in a car and I was on my way to the hospital, to see some counselor. It was about three in the morning. The couselor asked me several times, if I was serious about my threats to my own life. He asked me if I really wanted to take me life, if I wanted to end it. This old wrinkley man had seen far too many kids like me. Scared kids who didn't know what the hell to do with anything. He told me that if I really felt like that, that I would have to go to a place to stay for a while. So that I could get help. He asked me. What did I tell him? Yes ment pack your bags, you're taking a trip to couriur clinic. No ment go home, pretend nothing happened, you'll be okay... in the end. So I said no, because I didn't want to be cast away into some instituion. I didn't want to come back to school and have rumors flying about me. I didn't want to face my friends and tell them, I missed you guys when I was there. I didn't want my parents telling people that I was locked away with other loonies.So then later at around six in the morning, I went home. My eyes were bloodshot from crying and staying up. I didn't talk to my parents. My mother looked at me in disgust. I had to go to therapy. It didn't help. Maybe I should have gone to the clinic. Maybe I should have said yes, instead of lying. Because the real answer was yes. Yes I did. Yes I do.My feelings are numbed. Every feeling is numbed but pain. Even happiness doesn't feel the same. Happiness is some crazy high now. It's so temporary.It takes too much effort for me to be happy now. I can't sleep right anymore. I don't know what to do anymore, not like I really have in the past year. When did my life get so... empty. I still feel awkward with my friends, even with Ian, even at home. I feel used by my friends. I feel alone with them. Are they my friends? I act happy and such with people, but when it's just me... I'm anything but happy. I'm almost always like that. I try so hard to hide it. I try so hard not to hurt anyone. I try to share what I have. I try to share what knowledge I have. But doesn't sharing require two ways? Why do I feel pain still? Who's fault is it? Everyday, I look down at my wrist, at my ankle. I remember. I examine the scars. They look pretty. They serve as a reminder, that everything isn't ok, and you hold a secret. But why are they still painful? This is my secret. I don't trust my parents. I really don't trust my friends. I don't trust myself at all. I doubt myself. I repeat bad memories over and over in my mind. I pinch myself or something whenever I do something "stupid." I punish myself when I am wrong. I am only 14. I'll be 15 in one week. How do I live my life if it is already unbearable? |
| July 8th... My birthday. Yesterday was party. 20 of my friends showed up. It was definatly a success. They went swimming... listened to music... played music(they brought their own instruments...). We had a cake fight... hehe... Water balloons... We threw three people in the pool, two on purpose and one by accident. It was really great. Everyone did their part. Everyone did what they wanted to. At all times of the party someone was in my room on my computer. Someone was in the room. Someone was running around my backyard, frolicing, and someone was on the deck listening/playing music... I tryed my best to hang out with everyone. I tryed my best to keep everyone happy. I think I did a good job. This one girl came to my party late and... 1. Smelt like alcohol 2. Acting like she was drunk(but was faknig it(to be cool?!)) In a party full of straight edgers who would willing kick her ass in a second...Two of my friends left the party like not even half way through and didn't come back for like an hour... but yeah whatever... long story. I'm sorry Steph, but I'm hurt that you did that. I know of two people who forgot thtat my party was Saturday, yesterday. But it's ok. Since I was like the host of the whole thing, if anyone needed anything I had to go get it. I felt bad having to leave conversations in the middle to go and get a sweatshirt ot something for someone else. I felt like I neglected Ian. I felt bad. I still feel bad. Last night I was so out of touch and detached that I didn't even know if I had fun at my party. It seemed like I did. But for some reason I was torn on that issue. Did I? I don't know but that's ok. Everyone else had fun and that's what matters to me. I felt hurt after my party. I don't know why but I did. I felt like crying.. No tears would flow. I just didn't want to be in my house. I didn't want to be me, really. I didn't want to hear the shit from my mom about "being alone with Ian." I didn't want to hear my parents bitch at me for my shitty grades. I didn't want to clean up the garbage. I didn't want to put my stuff away and clean my room. I didn't want to get older. I didn't want time to keep moving. I didn't want to feel like I did. I would have loved to just go for a walk. I would have loved to have gone to Ian's house and just do nothing there or fallen asleep while watching a movie(i do that a lot). Last night I told Ian about my depression, I thought I did before but I guess not. I went to bed at 1 becuase I just didn't know what else to do. I woke up at 4. I woke up at 6. I woke up at 1:30. I can't sleep right anymore. I really have to start running for cross country. My coach isn't going to be teaching at my school anymore, so I'll probably have a new coach. I don't want school to start. I don't want August to start. For my birthday... My wish is that I could be reallly truely happy, not just act like it, for feel like it for an hour or two. To have it and make it last. Thanks again to everyone who showed up to my party!! I love you guys! Pics from party... coming soon... |
| July 10th... my fishy's like swim around in circles the other day... was well, interesting. Karen and Kim slept over. We walked down to blockbuster... i bought two movies... went to stop ad shop... bought nothing... went to starbucks to find that it was closed... went to shoprite and got ice creams and other ish...matt, ian, and bill came over.... they threw coins at kim... they beat us in basketball... i jumped in my pool with all my clothes on, so did karen and kim. They didn't have any clothes to change into. oh well... bill came in with clothes on... and ian did too. matt being the smart kid that he is, didn't. my dad came outside and yelled.... get out of here and sh*t or else i'll call the police... stupid old man. They got out and ran.... jumped the fence. Now because of my stupid father.... they are afriad to come over again. F*cker... I'd love to kick him. The next day after the daily eating and ish.... diana came over and we went to the pet shop... bought a fish tank... came home... kim amnd karen left... diana and i listening will smith and hanson for some reason... lol... awent to ian's and watched whatever it takes... good movie came come and called ian... he hung up on me... today he apologized about it over and over... he's so nice and sweet... i still don't think he likes me very much... dunno why... i talked to ryan(kim's bf) today... he's cool, he's paranoid that kim doesn't like him and would dump him any day and any time... yeah so i told him that she really likes him... which it seems like to me, they really look cute together... yeah... i don't know what to write in this one. i really hope ian does like me, i mean he's so cool... i've never met a person like him. really sweet guy. I like him, a lot. I feel like i do a lot of things wrong around him. I feel like yeah, i should be "nicer" and ish. Maybe it's just me, but i feel like a crappy girlfriend. Made two new screen names: Enjoy Nothing and LostBlackCrayon |
| July 12th: why am I doing this? It's 4:30 and I'm still up, online and really like alert. I think even Ian has gone to bed. I woke up at two today. It was the best sleep I've had in awhile. Did some stuff and went online. Steve stopped by. He left for Kary's. Yeah so I sat here and played around on my comptuer. Organized my CD's... cleaned my room a bit. Kim and Karen invited me to the mall. I went with themat like 6:30... my dad drove. I thought we werew going to have a ride back, but to my suprise (not really), we didn't. Oh well... no matter. My dad once again came back and drove us home. At the mall I bought two shirts... and a book on HTML... I got three pair of really cute socks(gave one to kim), tarot cards(hey, i'd like to learn), two sponge bob sitcker(i was thinking about giving one to kary and one to diana). We saw Megs, Aimee, and Danielle at the mall. i had privledge of returning these jeans for Aimee b/c they were way too expensive. When I got home, of course I went online... read my book too. I was talking to Ian... he was so sweet tonight. He had read this(the journal), and was saying how sweet I was. I feel like safe and cared for when i'm with him... a feeling I savor. I really like him, no matter how much my friends seem to make fun of him in front of me... they are going out with him, I am. It's like really immature and rather annoying but somehow... it's not really getting to me, good thing... I was reading my new book and then kary was like talking about marc smith and some party he had. She was saying how everyone who was there was leaving... I wasn't in much of a caring mood, plus i don't care much at all for the guy. Then she got all bitchy. maybe it seemed like I was giving her an attitude, but whatever... I'm tired of caring for someone who doesn't do much in return. She says I don't care about anything she says... yet it takes her five attempt to listen to me. She started going off on me "wanting" people to "feel sorry" for me and my website. So I have a passion for this stuff and she doesn't, she has a passion for her horses and I don't. I don't use that against her. She said that when people visit my site they feel sorry for me. Ha... that was good.She blocked me afterwards, but oh well, no loss to me. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with her so much, if for once she could be me and have the same treatment, then maybe she'd realize what kind of person she is. But don't take this the wrong way... I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything close to it. I'm far from it. I'm just saying that maybe she shouldn't expect so much from me when she doesn't seem to give much to me. Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with her at all... maybe somehow i think I can't do any better in a best friend. Maybe we've been friends so long and it's just stuck. But she got me thinking. My insecure self and thinging don't mix well. She got me thinking about if I expect people to feel sorry for myself. I don't expect people to. I don't want them to. but i guess it seems that many a time, especially online I tend to be depressed or ish. I hide it in life, real life, but yeah i guess I let it out more online. If anyone feels sorry for me, it's stupid of them. They can't do anything to help so it's pointless. I'm already hiding my emotions from her and most of the world, and if she has a problem with that then there is nothing I can do. I'll deal. Time goes on, so does life. Damn it, there's that suicidal feeling again... I'm applyingfor a job at Toys r Us tomorrow, well today. I should probably get to sleep. But I'm not tired at all. I'm just feeling self concious and yeah... semi-suicidal. I wish I was someplce else, away from this crap. Maybe going to the Philippines will be a good trip, instead of a semi-boring one. Maybe I need to get away from this. Maybe I'll be happy there. Maybe I'll stay. Or maybe the plane will come crashing down in a great ball of flames and I won't have to worry... I'm working on a wholoe new site... yay, go me... Lately it's been harder and harder for me to make desisions... very odd, I mean like I don't know what to do anymore. Like whether or not I should get out of bed takes me a while to decide on. And what to eat... and even what to listen to. No motivation. No goals. No great rewards... but waht does it matter... I deal It's 5:10 now... i can see part of the sunrise... |
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