Part 5

"Graham! What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing. You found out Angel 
was in town, and 
suddenly you had pressing business elsewhere. Now I 
find you two, 
alone, in Giles' apartment. Not looking good, Xan."

"Graham, baby, I swear to you, nothing is going on. I 
wouldn't do 
that."

"I know that, Xander, I'm not stupid. But, you have to 
admit, it 
isn't helping with the trust when I hear you've been 
keeping secrets."

Xander shut the door behind him and walked over to 
Graham, trying to 
buy time to gather his thoughts. "Graham, I meant to 
tell you. I 
wanted to tell you. But I didn't know how."

"I think 'Graham, I had sex with a corpse' would have 
covered it. All 
you had to do was be honest."

Xander sat on the bench to the side of the door, aware 
of Angel 
watching through the window. "It was never the time. 
At first I 
thought all this was just a fling to you. Then later I 
was so afraid 
of losing you, I told myself that nothing in my past 
mattered, so I 
just never brought it up. I promise you, I never meant 
to keep 
secrets from you. Well, I guess that's a lie, I did 
want to keep them 
secret, but I never wanted to hurt you. There's so 
much about me that 
could come back and bite us in the ass, I..." His 
voice trailed off 
as he gave in to the tears. "I didn't want to hurt 
you, and if you 
want to leave now, I'll completely understand."

Graham dropped to his knees beside Xander. Taking the 
brunette's chin 
in his hand, he lifted Xander's face until their eyes 
met. "Xander, I 
love you. Nothing in your past will ever change that, 
but you have 
got to be honest with me. If any of these things can 
come back to 
hurt us, then we have to strip them of that power. 
They can't come 
between us if we don't let them."

Xander gave a forced laugh. "Then I guess you should 
know about the 
evil slayer I had sex with. Oh, and there was this 
whole science 
teacher/praying mantis thing. And while I'm on a roll, 
why not the 
Incan mummy girl that killed to get me to love her. 
And there was the 
time..."

"I think I get the picture." Graham looked him over 
once more, then 
stood. "Want to go join our celebration? Willow went 
to a lot of 
work."

"Yeah, I guess. But first, are we okay? If you, maybe, 
don't want to 
do the whole wedding thing, I'll understand."

"Xander, we were never not okay. And I want to marry 
you more now 
than I did when I asked you."

*****

Dawn looked around The Magic Box, whistling in 
appreciation. "I 
really like what you've done here, Giles. I never knew 
the store was 
this big. Knocking down those walls was a brilliant 
move, it makes 
the store a lot brighter. And more cheerful, too."

"Yes, I thought so as well. Xander was a big help with 
the 
remodeling, as were Graham and Riley. I must confess, 
I could never 
figure out why Graham was helping. I mean, none of us 
even knew him 
very well." Giles didn't miss the clenching of Dawn's 
jaw as he 
mentioned Riley, but he chose to ignore it for now.

"What's in the back, through that door? It feels, I 
don't know, weird 
is all I can think of."

"That's where B.. your sister trains. I didn't know 
you could feel 
psychic emanations, Dawn. Your powers are growing at 
an alarming 
rate. Faster even than Willow's did."

"Yeah, well, according to this guy that I work with, 
it's because my 
powers are linked to me being the Key. I guess 
Willow's didn't grow 
this fast because she had to learn spells to focus it, 
whereas I can 
focus it with my thoughts. But I really don't want to 
get into a 
dissection of my powers."

"Very well, then. Might I ask how your schooling is 
going?"

"Only if you're asking because you want to know, and 
not because 
you're reporting it back to Buffy."

"If you do not wish for her to know what we've spoken 
of, then I 
won't tell her. But I do wish you could sit down 
together and talk 
about your problems."

Dawn laughed cruelly. "Our problems. That's a good one 
Giles. She let 
our mother die, I don't consider that a problem."

"Dawn, you know as well as I that your mother died of 
a brain 
aneurysm. There was nothing Buffy could do to stop 
that."

"No, there wasn't. But if she'd been there, instead of 
glued to 
Riley, then she could have gotten Mom the help she 
needed before it 
was too late."
 
"Dawn..."

"Giles, I really don't want to talk about this. Please 
just let it 
go." As Dawn spoke her voice rose and the floor began 
to buckle, 
rattling the shelves. A small fertility sculpture fell 
to the floor, 
shattering. Dawn just stood there, fighting for 
control. Unable to 
find it, she ran out of the store, yelling back over 
her 
shoulder. "I'm sorry Giles, I need to be alone right 
now."

Once Dawn was gone, the shaking stopped, the floor 
smoothing out as 
it had been before. Giles sighed sadly, then walked 
around the room, 
straightening the shelves and cleaning up the broken 
statue.

Dawn ran. She ran so far and so fast that she lost 
track of her 
direction. It wasn't until she stopped to gain her 
breath, that she 
saw she was standing outside the cemetery.  Stealing 
looks over both 
shoulders, she made her way through the familiar 
gates. Weaving in 
and out between the graves as if it were just 
yesterday when she'd 
last visited, instead of three years ago.

Finally she stopped. Taking a deep breath, she 
collapsed to her knees 
before her mother's grave. Only then did she let the 
tears flow. It 
seemed like hours that she sat there, crying, pouring 
out all the 
emotions she'd kept bottled inside. "Why can't I see 
you? Why can I 
see so much, but not you?"

"Because you're not meant too."

Dawn turned, her face already screwed into an 
expression of mixed 
pain and anger. "Go away. I don't want to see you. I 
don't want to 
know you."

Buffy looked at her sister, meeting her eyes. The 
tears there showed 
the weight of loneliness and desperation she'd lived 
with for the 
past three years. "Dawn, I'm sorry. I know you hate 
me, and I 
wouldn't have come here if I knew you were here. But 
since we're both 
here, can't we talk? I really want to work this out. 
I've missed you, 
I love you."

"Is something wrong with your ears? I said go away. I 
have nothing to 
say to you, beyond the fact that I never want to see 
you again."

"Okay. I can accept that. But I do love you, and I 
hope someday you 
can bring yourself to forgive me. I really want my 
little sister 
back."

"GO AWAY!!!!!" Dawn screamed, coming to her feet, hair 
dancing about 
her head in a sudden wind that sprang up from nowhere. 
Buffy whirled 
around, watching as tombstones split, the sky 
darkened, and a few of 
the smaller trees fell over. 

"Dawn! This isn't the way to handle things. You have 
to control 
yourself or you're going to hurt people." Buffy tried 
to go to Dawn, 
to reach out to her. But before she could reach her, 
vines descended 
from overhanging trees, barring the way.

"Oh, I think I have everything under control Buffy. I 
have, on 
occasion, broken a window or two when I lost my 
temper. I've even 
caused minor earthquakes by not shielding properly. 
But I have enough 
control to get you the hell away from me." Dawn's 
voice rose as she 
spoke. And with it rose a wind, pushing Buffy back, 
away from Dawn. 
As soon as Buffy passed through the gates, they 
closed, the chain 
winding itself around the bars and locking. The wind 
died, uprooted 
trees righted themselves, the vines ascending back to 
their proper 
place. "I'll leave the clouds for now, Spike."

"Ta, niblet." Spike stepped from behind a tree, 
lighting up a 
cigarette. "Nice show ya put on there."

"Thanks, I've been practicing. So, how've you been 
Spike? I hear you 
have a soul now. Congratulations, if you want them."

"Yeah, stupid git of a demon. Stuck a soul in me, now 
I'm no good for 
anything but helping the round table lot."

Dawn smiled sadly, running her hand along the top of 
her mom's 
tombstone one last time. "You have so much more to 
offer the world 
than that Spike. You'll just never find it in 
Sunnydale. I'll see you 
later." She turned to walk away, determined to find 
Xander again. 
Before passing out of sight, she stopped and spoke to 
Spike over her 
shoulder. "You might want to get inside, I can't keep 
the clouds 
there forever."

"Could if ya wanted I'd wager." Spike whispered as he 
watched her 
leave, the pride he felt in her evident in his voice.

*****

Night was falling by the time Dawn met up with the 
rest of the group, 
Buffy and Riley having left earlier to get ready for 
patrol. Willow 
bounced up and down before nearly choking Dawn in a 
bear 
hug. "Willow, air. I need to breathe."

"Oh yeah, sorry. How have you been, I've missed you."

"I've been good, thanks. How bout you?" Dawn continued 
the catching 
up phase of the talk as she ignored the daggers Xander 
was shooting 
at her from his eyes.

"I'm doing great. Had the happy's all week, planning 
Xander and 
Graham's big day. Are you guys staying for it?"

"You'd have to ask Angel, but I hope so. I really 
can't wait to see 
Xander in a long white gown." Dawn smiled back at 
Xander, ducking the 
smack aimed at the back of her head. Then they had to 
wait for 
Cordelia and Graham to stop laughing long enough to 
catch up with 
them.

"I am not wearing a dress. Jeez, Willow, did you have 
to tell 
everyone that?"

"Hey! I didn't say anything. I haven't spoken to Dawn 
in weeks. The 
only one I told was Cord...oh." Willow looked back at 
Cordelia, who 
was trying to hide her smile behind her hand. When 
that didn't work, 
she ducked behind Graham to avoid Xander.

Graham smiled up at his boyfriend, willing to face his 
wrath. "Look 
at it this way, white has always been your color." 
Then he and 
Cordelia huddled together, nearly falling over in 
laughter.

Xander let out an exasperated sigh, turning away from 
all his 
laughing friends, and started walking down the 
sidewalk toward 
home. "Fine, laugh it up. Get it all out of you 
system. But remember, 
the Xanman invented revenge. Oh yes, this revenge will 
be so sweet."

The laughing crowd caught up with Xander, Graham 
putting his arm 
around his shoulder, pulling the brunette closer. "Aww 
come on, Baby. 
We're just having fun."

"Yeah, at my expense." Xander acted hurt, pouting. 

Graham immediately felt bad, turning them so that they 
faced each 
other. "Xander, I'd never laugh at you. Well, not the 
way you mean 
anyway. Come on, Baby. Forgive me?" 

Xander looked into Graham's eyes, trying to keep the 
pout going. But 
he couldn't stop the laughter from bubbling out. "You 
are way too 
easy, my love." Then whistling, Xander turned and 
walked over to the 
women. "Shall we go, ladies?"

Cordelia walked behind Xander, Willow, and Dawn. She 
hung back long 
enough to make sure Graham was coming, before 
speaking. "So, when's 
the big day? Willow said it was this week, but she 
didn't say which 
day."

Graham answered, knowing that Xander would keep up the 
pretense of 
being mad at him for another few hours. "It's in a 
week."

"A week? I'm sure we can talk Angel into hanging 
around that long. 
And if not, we could always tie him up and put him in 
the basement of 
the mansion."

Xander smiled at Cordelia's words, then frowned. 
"Speaking of hanging 
around, who's the guy you were with?"

"Groo?"

"Yeah, Groo. And what kind of name is that anyway?"

"What kind of name is Xander? Shut up Graham." 
Cordelia cut off 
Graham's comment, smiling to show that they were just 
joking. "Groo 
is my boyfriend. His name is actually The Groosalug, 
but after 
tripping over that mouthful a few times, we shortened 
it. And I'll 
tell you the rest of that story only if you tell me 
how you two got 
together, and I don't mean the whole thing that 
happened at Giles', I 
mean when you really got together."

Xander looked over at Graham, smiling. "Well, that 
depends on which 
story you heard about Giles' apartment." Then overcome 
with shyness, 
he moved to his boyfriends side, linking their fingers 
together, and 
refused to say anymore.

"I think what she's asking, Xander, is when we first 
met. Not when we 
first..." Looking at Dawn and Willow's eager faces, 
Graham stopped, 
joining Xander in his blush.

Xander recovered first, looking up at Cordelia. "It 
was when I went 
with Buffy to find Riley down in the Initiative. After 
we all met 
Adam, and he kicked our ass, Graham came in with some 
of the other 
soldiers. I don't know about him, but just seeing him 
there in that 
uniform.... it was lust at first sight."

Cordelia smiled. "That's sweet, I think." Then winking 
at Xander, she 
nudged his shoulder. "Did he keep the uniform?"

"Oh, yeah." Xander breathed finally, then laughed with 
the girls 
while Graham blushed some more. "But that was just the 
first sight. 
We met up a few times, tried the whole dating thing. 
But it didn't 
work out, every time we had a date, some evil would 
rise up 
or 'friends' would decide it was time for some Bronze 
time." Xander 
said this while looking pointedly at Willow, who had 
the good grace 
to look guilty.

Graham recovered enough to bring Xander's hand up to 
place a kiss on 
it.  "That's when I kidnapped him. I took him just 
outside of town to 
this empty field. I'd gone out beforehand and put out 
stuff for a 
picnic, and then I went to pick him up. He didn't want 
to go, at 
first, he said something about needing his sleep. But 
I wouldn't take 
no for an answer. I dragged him out there, we had a 
great time, and 
while we were there he kissed me."

"Excuse me, I believe it was you who kissed me."

"Doesn't matter. It got us started." Graham couldn't 
tear his eyes 
away from Xander's face. He kept tracing the lines of 
his nose, 
around his mouth, down along his jaw, and then back up 
into his 
eyes.  "Xander, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I don't know Graham, how do you get penguins to wear 
rubber pants." 
The words were out of Xander's mouth before he even 
realized he'd 
spoken. Face flushed, Xander slid behind Graham, 
trying to hide. It 
didn't help when all the other's started laughing, 
Dawn asking why he 
still watched cartoons.

"I had stopped watching them completely.... I saw that 
thing with the 
eyes Will... I really had, until I woke up early one 
Saturday morning 
to find a certain someone watching Alvin and the 
Chipmunks."

"OOOO I love Alvin, but Theodore is my favorite." Dawn 
hopped over to 
Graham, linking arms with him. "So, what other ones do 
you watch?"

"Whatever Xander wants too, but mostly I just watch 
him."

Cordelia nearly puddled on the spot. "Aww, that is 
just too cute. You 
guys are so sweet together. Xander, I never thought I 
wouldn't regret 
that we didn't work out. But now I'm glad we broke up. 
You two are 
clearly meant to be together." Xander was behind 
Graham, his face 
read with embarassment.

Is there anyone in Sunnydale you didn't date?" Graham 
turned toward 
Xander, smiling. Then he laughed at the serious 
expression on his 
lover's face.

"Um, Riley, maybe?"

"Let's hope not." Graham turned, giving Willow a 
questioning look. 
She started backing away, shaking her head furiously.

"Oh no, gay here. Remember?"

"Okay, nice to know. But that's not what I was going 
to ask." Graham 
smiled at her, enjoying her discomfort. "I was going 
to ask if you 
three could get home okay by yourselves. I have 
something I want to 
show Xander before we head home."

"Sure, we can do that. I can protect us until we get 
home."

Xander's head popped up. "Um, Will. You'll be 
careful?"

Graham took Xander's hand, pulling him back the way 
they came. "Come 
on, Xander, Willow's a big girl. She can take care of 
herself, and 
the others."

"So, Graham my love, where are we going?"

"You'll see, I just need to pick some stuff up at the 
store. Then 
we'll be ready." Graham grinned back at Xander, his 
grin spreading 
into a loving smile at the confusion evident on his 
lover's face.

Part 6

Xander sat in the car, where Graham had left him, 
hands bound behind 
his back, blindfolded, waiting. Not patiently. He'd 
never been a 
patient person and surprises never turned out very 
well in Sunnydale. 
He was extremely uncomfortable. He didn't like the 
dark, he never had 
but he wanted to make Graham happy and if this is what 
it took, this 
is what he could do.

He kept telling himself that, over and over. He could 
do this. For 
Graham he'd do anything. *What's taking so long? He 
should be back by 
now.*

"Xander! Where are ya, boy?"

Xander jerked his head around, listening really hard 
to find the 
source of the whispered voice. When he heard it again, 
he ducked down 
in the seat, getting as low as he could so no one 
could see him 
inside the car.

"Come on out here, boy. Don't make me come find you."

"Graham?" Xander's words started out in a whispered, 
shaking cry, but 
grew in volume as they continued, terror in every 
sound. "Graham!? 
Graham, where are you? I can't see you." When he got 
no reply, he 
cowered on the floor of the car, screaming Graham's 
name over and 
over again. 

Graham came out of the store, whistling happily. He 
had some great 
plans for tonight. He wanted to take Xander back out 
to that field 
where they'd had their first real, complete date. The 
place where 
they'd shared their first kiss, the first time he'd 
made love to 
Xander. 

As he grew closer to their car, he heard the faint 
screams. Dropping 
the bag to the ground, he ran the rest of the way. He 
could see 
Xander curled up in the corner of the car, as far down 
in the 
floorboard as he could get. His hands shook as he went 
to open the 
door. "Xander, baby? What's wrong? What happened? Did 
something come 
after you?"

"Graham? Is that you?" Xander lifted his head, blindly 
searching for 
Graham.

"Yeah, Baby, it's me." Graham pulled Xander up onto 
the seat next to 
him. He removed the blindfold, seeing Xander's eyes 
red and swollen 
with tears. "What happened?" He removed the twine from 
the brunette's 
hands and looked him over from top to bottom, looking 
for injuries, 
or any clues to what could have reduced his lover to 
this state.

"He was here. I heard him. It was so dark, he always 
comes when it's 
dark. He waits till I'm alone, and he comes. Why was 
he here, Graham? 
He's not supposed to be here anymore." Xander couldn't 
look Graham in 
the eyes. He buried his face in his boyfriend's neck, 
taking comfort 
in his scent.

"Who was here, Xander? What did he do?"

Xander pulled back, pressing away from Graham. "I--I 
don't kn--know."

"Xander?"

"I don't know, Graham. IdontknowIdontknowIdontknow." 
Xander was 
screaming again, shaking his head back and forth, and 
pressing his 
hands to his head.

Graham moved over to Xander, taking him in his arms. 
"Shh, it's okay. 
You're safe now. I won't let anyone hurt you." Not 
knowing what to 
do, Graham just concentrated on calming him down. Once 
Xander was 
quiet, he buckled them both in and started the car. 
"Come on, let's 
go see Willow." He waited for Xander's agreement, 
receiving only a 
hesitant nod, before shifting into gear and backing 
the car out of 
the parking lot.

*****

"Willow!!!" Graham hammered on the door and yelled for 
the 
witch. "Willow, open up."

Willow ran for the front door, tying a robe around 
her. She pulled 
the door opened and gasped, her eyes flying open 
wider. "Graham, what 
happened? What's wrong with Xander?" But Graham only 
stood silently, 
holding his trembling lover tightly.

Xander was leaning into Graham, crying hysterically. 
He couldn't lift 
his head to look at Willow, but he found his voice. 
"You know. You've 
always known." 

Willow gasped again. "You remember." She moved to take 
Xander in her 
arms, only to draw back when he hid himself behind 
Graham. 

"Why didn't you tell me? How could you lie to me all 
these years?" 
Xander looked at her over Graham's shoulder, hurt, 
anger, and 
accusation in his eyes. "I had a right to know."

Willow turned, walking back into the living room, 
using the time to 
gather her thoughts. "I never told you because I 
thought maybe you 
needed to forget. That it was your way of dealing with 
it....and 
because I was a coward. I'm ashamed of it now, but I 
wanted to forget 
too. I couldn't handle seeing you in such pain."

Xander walked toward the sofa, pressed against Graham 
for support. He 
tried to speak, but he couldn't find the words.  

Willow saw him, really saw him for the first time in a 
long time. 
She'd been too afraid to look so closely at him for 
years, afraid of 
what she'd see. Now what she did see tore her heart 
into pieces. "I'm 
so sorry, Xander. I'm sorry I couldn't make him stop. 
That I couldn't 
save you. But I was so scared. I mean, I was only a 
kid, what could I 
do? What you went through, no one should ever have to 
face. And it's 
my fault."

"Willow, no. It's not your fault. I didn't mean to 
blame you. But you 
should have told me. I had a right to know." His 
voiced dropped, the 
last words barely a whisper.

"I know, and I can't ever make it up to you. I know 
that too. Can you 
forgive me?"

Xander rose from the couch, turning away from Willow's 
outstretched 
arms. "I don't know. I don't know anything right now. 
Except that...I 
love you, and nothing changes that. But...I...I just 
need time. Can 
we go home Graham?"

"Sure. We can do anything you want, Baby." Graham 
stood and crossed 
over to Xander, taking him in his arms. He turned his 
head back to 
give Willow a look. "Just...just give it a couple 
days. Okay?"

Willow watched the two men leave. When they were gone, 
she dropped to 
the couch, dissolving into tears. She was still there, 
her eyes 
finally dry but red, staring off into space, when 
Buffy and Riley 
returned from patrol.

"Willow? What's wrong?" Buffy rushed to her side, 
sitting beside her. 
She looked up to Riley, silently telling him that they 
needed a few 
minutes alone. He cast a last sympathetic look at 
Willow before 
heading upstairs. 

"Willow?"

"He remembers." Willow's voice was toneless, flat. 
She'd cried out 
all her emotions, leaving her feeling empty.

"What? Willow, who remembers? What do you mean?"

"Xander. He remembers, everything."

"Oh God, poor Xan. Willow, are you sure?"

"He was here. Gods, Buffy, he was so scared." Her 
guilt and shame 
were returning to her, bringing pain, but she still 
felt so 
empty. "He looked at me, and all I could see was pain 
and fear. All 
his joy, all his happiness, was gone."

"Willow, he'll be fine. He's older now. And he's not 
alone, he has 
Graham. He has us. We won't let this destroy him. You 
just wait, 
before you know it, we'll be groaning at his bad jokes 
and tickling 
him to tears, just to get him to stop."

"I hope you're right. I don't know what I'd do without 
him. He's been 
my best friend for forever, longer than I can even 
remember. He's my 
brother, my little baby brother. And I let this happen 
to him." The 
tears came again, rolling down her face.

Buffy held her tighter. "Everything will be fine, 
Will. I promise. 
Come on, let's get some sleep. Everything will look 
better in the 
morning."

*****

Graham half led, half carried Xander to the bed. The 
brunette hadn't 
stopped shaking since he'd found him in the car. 
"Here, Baby, climb 
in. I'll get you some chocolate milk, k?" Graham moved 
toward the 
door, hurrying so he could get back. Before he'd made 
it out of the 
bedroom, Xander's voice stopped him. He sounded so 
small and helpless.

"Don't leave me. I can't be alone."

Rushing back to Xander's side, Graham held him close, 
murmuring 
soothing words. "Shhh, it's okay. I won't go anywhere. 
I'll never 
leave you. I love you." He paused watching his love 
carefully. "Do 
you want to talk about it?"

Xander buried his face in Graham's chest. He didn't 
know if he could 
talk about it, but knew that he needed to share this 
with Graham. His 
voice barely above a whisper, he told Graham the 
things his father 
had done to him. 

"It started when I was eleven. It was the middle of 
the night. Mom 
had to work the night shift, so it was just us at 
home. It all 
started out fine, normal. We had dinner before Mom 
left for work, she 
used to cook then, and we even played some card games. 
Quick ones 
that we could finish before her shift. After she was 
gone, he started 
drinking. He was always drinking. He came to my room 
after I went to 
sleep, and started saying mean things, horrible 
things. He said since 
my bitch of a mother had gone to work, he'd have to 
settle for her 
bastard of a son. He climbed into my bed and 
he...he...he started 
touching me." Xander's voice cracked, and he turned 
his face away 
from Graham's body, into the mattress. He didn't want 
Graham to hear 
the sobs that burst from him.

Graham's own silent tears spilled over onto his 
pillow. He cried for 
his love, for the child he'd been, and he cried 
because he hadn't 
been the one to crush the bastard's skull. "It's okay, 
you don't have 
to continue if you don't want too." *Please, whatever 
Gods there are, 
tell me this man is burning in hell.*

"Will you still love me? If I'm too dirty?" Xander 
brought his face 
up, but still couldn't meet Graham's eyes. Shame, 
guilt, pain, all 
these and more were plainly evident on his face. 

"Of course I will. Nothing will ever make me not love 
you. Xan, you 
didn't do anything wrong, you're not dirty. It was 
him, he's the one 
that did this."

"But, I'm not...."

"Do not finish that sentence. You are the most 
beautiful person I 
know. You have a heart that's big enough for the 
entire world. You 
make me see light in the future, away from this dark, 
evil place. You 
did nothing wrong."

"I wish I could believe you." 

"You will, when you're ready. And until you are, I'll 
be here to 
remind you." Graham pulled Xander's  face up, catching 
his eyes. He 
leaned in, placing a chaste kiss on his lips. Then he 
pulled him 
tighter against him, quietly humming old lullabies to 
soothe him to 
sleep. 

"Graham?"

"Yeah, Baby?"

"Don't let go."

"Never." And he held him, rocking him slightly, still 
humming to him, 
until they both drifted off to sleep.


*****

A few hours later, Graham awoke. Easing himself out 
from under 
Xander's body, he left the room. He stopped to make 
sure the door was 
open enough to let some light in, aware of Xander's 
new fear of being 
trapped in the dark. Entering the kitchen, he flipped 
the switch on 
the coffee pot and took a yogurt cup from the fridge. 
Then he sat, 
waiting for all he'd learned in the last day or so to 
sink in.

*How do I help him with this? I can't imagine what 
he's going 
through. God, I want to find Willow, make her bring 
that bastard back 
to life the way she did with Buffy, then wrap my hands 
around his 
throat and watch the life bleed out of him.*

Wiping the tears away from his eyes, Graham stood, 
stepping over to 
pour himself a cup of coffee. Then set it on the table 
beside the 
still untouched yogurt. Once again he sat, chin cupped 
in his hands, 
and stared off into space. He wanted to come up with 
ways to help 
Xander, maybe get him to agree to counseling. But he 
couldn't think 
past the flashing sign in his head that read 'Xander's 
hurt'.

The more he sat, even with his mind blank and empty, 
the more rage 
built up inside him. His body making a decision for 
him, he stood, 
silently making his way back into the bedroom. He 
dressed, quietly so 
as not to wake his sleeping lover, grabbed his keys 
and wallet, and 
left the room. Before leaving the apartment, he wrote 
out a quick 
note letting Xander know he'd be back soon, but hoped 
to be back 
before he woke.

Still not really thinking clearly at all, Graham's 
internal auto-
pilot steered the car around curves, passing a few 
other drivers that 
were making an early start on the day. He didn't 
really know where he 
was going until the car stopped. He looked up, 
surprised to find 
himself outside Xander's mother's house. He'd only met 
her once, long 
enough for her to slur out her disapproval of his and 
Xander's 
relationship. After that, he'd taken Xander home and 
held him as he 
told the brunette that it didn't matter. Nothing 
mattered but them 
and their love. 

He climbed from the car, not sure why he was here. 
Still, he made his 
way up the steps, onto the porch, and knocked on the 
door. When he 
saw her face as she opened the door, it all came into 
focus. He put 
an arm out, slamming the door open all the way as she 
tried to shut 
it in his face. Her blank stare made him mad. Her open 
disregard for 
her son's life, his general well-being, had always 
left him confused. 
He just couldn't imagine any mother caring as little 
about their 
child as this woman.

"Did you know?" His voice dripped venom, his temper 
held in check by 
sheer force of will.

"Did I know what? Look, I don't have time for this. I 
have a life, a 
job I need to get ready for."

"You have a son, in pain. Pain that your husband 
caused, and I want 
to know if you knew what was happening."

"I don't know what you're talking about. If he's in 
pain, it's 
something he's been doing with you. Living up there in 
that fancy 
apartment, probably the sin eating at him." She 
turned, leaving the 
door standing open, not caring if he followed.

He went in after her, reaching out to grab her arm. 
When he touched 
her, his anger grew. He spun her around, pushing her 
up against the 
wall. Leaning down, his face barely inches from hers, 
he met her eyes 
as his hands clenched on her arms. He let all his 
rage, his contempt 
for her, leak into his eyes. "Your son is hurt, he's 
in a great deal 
of pain at the moment, and while the fact that you 
couldn't care less 
is no surprise, it does tell me one thing. If Xander 
ever does have 
to pay for any sins he may or may not have committed, 
he won't lack 
for company. Your husband tortured him, beat him, 
molested him, and 
damn near killed him. And I think you knew it."

"Get your hands off me. I'll press charges, do you 
hear me?"

"I hear you fine, and believe me, I can't wait to 
leave here and 
scald the vileness of you off of my skin. But first, 
you're going to 
listen to me. I love your son, and right now, the fact 
that your 
death would, for some reason, cause him even more 
pain, is the only 
reason you're still alive. Right now all I have to go 
on is what I 
believe, but if I ever find out that you really knew 
what was 
happening and never said anything, I'll be back, I'll 
kill you, and 
damn the consequences." With that, he pushed away from 
her, ignoring 
her shout of pain as he pushed her away a little too 
roughly, and 
left, slamming the door hard enough to crack the 
glass.

Climbing back into his car, Graham gripped the 
steering wheel with 
white knuckled hands. He had to get his temper under 
control or he'd 
wind up wrapping the car around a tree. Then he 
wouldn't be there for 
Xander, and that couldn't happen. Thinking of Xander, 
alone at home, 
helped to calm him down enough for the red film over 
his eyes to 
lift. With a somewhat clearer head, he pulled the car 
out onto the 
street, more than ready to be back at home with Xander 
wrapped up in 
his arms. 

Unlocking the door to the apartment, he pushed it 
open, and 
immediately felt something wrong. He didn't know what 
it was, just 
that it wasn't as it should be. It wasn't until he was 
standing in 
the middle of the living room that it hit him. He'd 
forgotten to 
leave a light on. The entire apartment was completely 
dark. Running 
to the bedroom, he prayed Xander hadn't woken up while 
he was out. He 
slowed long enough to turn on the light in the hall, 
not wanting the 
bedroom light to disturb Xander if he were still 
asleep. 

Letting out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding, 
he silently 
thanked whatever beings were watching over Xander. The 
brunette was 
still asleep, although not peacefully. Graham made his 
way over to 
the younger man's side, removing the clothes he'd left 
on him earlier 
when they'd gone to bed, then removing his own before 
climbing in and 
pulling Xander to him. In a matter of minutes, he was 
asleep, 
cradling his quieting lover to him. 

When he awoke again, he was alone in the bed, bright 
sunlight 
flooding the bedroom. He looked around the room, but 
could see no 
sign of Xander. Standing, he pulled on the clothes 
he'd left by the 
bed earlier and went out in search of his boyfriend.

He found him at the kitchen table, stacks of old books 
surrounding 
him. Xander looked up, a small smile playing at the 
corners of his 
mouth. "Hey sleepyhead. Found your note. Where'd you 
go?"

"Oh, nowhere. Just went out for a run, get rid of some 
excess 
energy." He felt guilty for the lie, the first he'd 
ever told to 
Xander. But it was necessary. Xander couldn't ever 
know that he'd 
been to see his mother. Leaning over he placed a kiss 
on the top of 
the brunette's head before squatting down and wrapping 
his arms 
around his waist. "What are you looking at?"

"Um, just some stuff I want to go over with Willow."

"About the wedding? That's a lot of books for two 
people to stand up 
and say how much they love each other."

"No, it isn't about the wedding. That's all planned, 
didn't you read 
the 16 page memo Willow left us?" Xander wouldn't meet 
his eyes. He 
kept rummaging through papers, leafing randomly 
through a few of the 
books.

"No, I thought it was another update on the different 
kinds of demons 
that are drawn to the Hellmouth. Xander look at me." 
Graham took 
Xander's chin in his hand, turning his head to catch 
his eyes. "What 
is this?" His tone nervous, Graham wasn't entirely 
sure he wanted the 
answer, but he had to know.

"Um, I had an idea. I don't want to remember. I found 
a lot of 
different spells to make you forget stuff. Willow 
agreed to look it 
over and make sure it was safe, then we'll go see 
Giles about it." 
Looking away from Graham, Xander started sorting the 
books into three 
different stacks on the table, as much to have 
something to do with 
his hands as anything else. He couldn't bear the hurt 
he'd glimpsed 
in Graham's eyes.

"Why didn't you say something? Why couldn't you talk 
to me?"

"Cause I couldn't....I didn't....I wanted you to 
remember me the way 
I was. I didn't want you to know those things about 
me. I wanted you 
to love me." The tears fell over Xander's cheeks as he 
hung his head, 
unable to look Graham in the face.

"Baby, remember what I told you? This was not your 
fault. You have 
nothing to be ashamed of. And as for me loving you, 
well, that's just 
a fact of life. I'll love you for the next hundred 
lifetimes." Graham 
forced Xander to look at him, feeling a twinge in his 
heart every 
time another tear traced a path down his face. Leaning 
forward, he 
placed his lips on Xander's, licking his tongue around 
the corners, 
pulling back before he lost control. "Feel that? 
That's me, wanting 
you. That's me, needing you. I couldn't live my life 
without you in 
it."

"And I'd die without you." Xander's voice cracked, the 
words barely a 
whisper.

"You don't need to do this Xander. Messing with spells 
is dangerous. 
We can handle this, together. We can start new 
memories."

"I don't think I have the strength in me to deal with 
it."

Graham moved his legs out from under him, sitting 
fully on the floor, 
then reached up and pulled Xander down to sit with 
him. "What are you 
talking about? You've already done the hard part." He 
stopped, 
stroking Xander's hair. Then continued when the 
brunette turned wide, 
curious eyes on him. "You talked about it. That's one 
of the hardest 
parts of any kind of abuse. Now, you learn how to keep 
going. And I'm 
here all the way for you. I told you, I love you. 
You're stuck with 
me."

"Graham, I love you. I do. But I just don't think I 
can talk to you 
about this. I know you don't want to hear it, but it 
makes me feel 
dirty, and bad. And I don't...I can't talk to you 
about it."

Graham tried to keep the hurt out of his eyes. He 
wanted nothing more 
than to be with Xander, to make it all go away, but 
knew he wasn't 
the one that could do that. "Okay. Just promise me you 
won't do any 
of those spells. If something happened..."

"I promise. No spells. I mean, I forgot it once 
without magic, right? 
I can do it again." Xander stood, walking back over to 
the table to 
gather up the books. "I'll just take these back to 
Willow. I'll be 
back in a little while."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, no, that's okay. You should go do your gym thing 
with Riley. 
I'll be okay." Xander left the apartment, leaving a 
confused Graham 
still sitting on the kitchen floor. As he walked out 
of the building 
into the sunshine, he slipped on his shades, and made 
his way to 
Willow's. He never once doubted his decision to 
forget. But he'd 
promised Graham that there would be no spells. He'd 
just have to do 
it the old fashioned way.