Part 7
After dropping the books off with Willow, Xander left.
He didn't want
to talk, knowing that Willow still felt guilty and not
knowing how to
help her when he didn't even know how to help himself.
He wandered
over to the park, looking around the picnic area, and
remembered how
happy they were that day. He sat down next to the tree
they'd leaned
against that day, Graham holding him tightly against
his chest.
*If only it could be that way everyday.* Xander wished
it could. That
he could just forget all the things he'd remembered,
that he'd never
remembered them in the first place. But he couldn't.
It was all he
could do to keep them from overloading his thoughts
every minute of
the day.
Standing again, he brushed the dirt from his pants and
walked out of
the park. As he passed the cemetary, he stopped.
*Maybe there is
someone I can talk too. She always helped before.* He
walked through
the gates, blindly making his way over to the grave.
He hadn't been
there in a long time. Once, he'd gone every day, and
knew he could
now find his way to it without fail.
Reaching the grave marker, he dropped down before it,
tracing his
fingers over the name of the one woman that treated
him like a son
should be treated. "Hey Joyce. I know it's been a
while, and I'm
sorry I haven't been to visit. But my life is so
screwed up right
now. I don't know what I'm doing, or even who I am
anymore."
He stopped, looking around, sure he'd heard a noise.
But when he saw
nothing he passed it off as his imagination. "Some
stuff happened, it
was a long time ago, but I didn't remember any of it.
Until
yesterday. Joyce, I wish you were here, I need one of
those cups of
hot chocolate and you there, so I can just talk while
you listen. I
didn't even realize how much I missed that until
today. You were
always more of a mother to me than my mom." He stopped
again, wiping
at the tears on his face.
"This is stupid. You're not here, you can't hear me.
No one can." He
stood up, fast, and took off. He half ran, half
stumbled out of the
cemetary, not even realizing where he was going. When
he stopped to
catch his breath, he saw he'd made it to the docks. He
was certain he
didn't want to be there, especially since it wasn't
long until
sundown. So he backtracked, making his way home.
Digging his keys out of his pocket, he was about to
unlock the door
when he realized it wasn't shut properly. He chuckled,
remembering
all the times he'd told Graham about the door not
catching. He
entered the apartment, and heard the noise from the
kitchen.
"Graham? Are you cooking? Ya know, we got all those
letters from the
neighbors last time."
Walking around the corner leading into the kitchen,
Xander jumped,
startled, as a blonde head poked out of the door.
"Nope, just me,
mate. But you can pretend if ya want."
"Spike? What the hell are you doing here? How did you
even get in?
You know what? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Just
leave. Please?"
"Please? When have you ever had manners?"
"Spike, I'm really not up to this now. I just want to
take a hot bath
and go to bed. Preferably with Graham, but he's not
here right now.
So, if you don't mind..." Xander's voice trailed off
as he pointed to
the door.
"Now, that's no way to treat the person that just made
you extra
chocolatey hot chocolate." Spike held up a large,
steaming coffee
mug, filled with cocoa and marshmellows.
"Why are you making me hot chocolate?" But, wary or
not, Xander
reached up to take the cup from the vampire. Sniffing
it, he figured
Spike wouldn't poison him in a way that Buffy could
trace back to
him.
"I was in me crypt when you were talkin to the lady.
Heard what you
said. Thought maybe you could use an ear." Spike's
voice was low,
mummling, as he said these words. "I know I'm not
Joyce, but...I
figured you could use someone to talk to that won't be
all mushy and
wanting to make it better all the time."
"Spike, I'm really not feeling up to playing one of
your games. I...."
"It's not a game, Xander. If you don't wanna talk,
just say so. But I
got the impression that you needed someone, and that
you couldn't
talk to your man." Spike stopped, looking Xander in
the eye. "You can
talk to me, I won't say a word, just sit here and
listen. And I'll be
gone when Graham gets here. I promise."
"Fine Spike, just...can we go in the living room? I
don't really feel
safe around you and knives." Xander smiled to soften
the words and,
taking his mug of cocoa, moved into the living room
area.
They sat, Xander curled on the sofa and Spike perched
on the chair
opposite, and Xander talked. He told Spike everything
he could
remember, from the first time his father touched him
all the way up
to the last time, when Buffy and Willow had come in
and found his
father beating him. The talking helped, a lot more
than he thought it
would. But now he felt even more ashamed. He'd just
told Spike more
than he could share with Graham. How could he? How
could he tell
these things to a demon he hated, when he couldn't
even tell the man
he loved?
He waited until Spike had gone back into the kitchen,
refilling his
mug again. Then he stood, folding the soft blanket
he'd covered his
legs with, and laid it back on the end of the sofa.
"Spike...." He'd
been about to suggest the vampire leave, but he looked
up, seeing no
blame, no laughter in his eyes. "thanks for
um..listening, and
everything. It did help, a lot. But, um...Graham's
gonna be home
soon, and..."
"Right. I'll just be going then. And Xander? You're
welcome." With a
last sad smile, Spike left.
Xander sat back on the couch, dropping his head in his
hands. He was
still sitting there when Graham came in.
"Hey, Baby. You feeling okay?"
"Yeah, it's just a headache." Xander smiled up at
Graham, the reached
up and grabbed his hand, pulling him down onto the
sofa.
Graham laughed, cuddling up with his boyfriend. "So,
you really are
feeling better, huh?"
"Yeah, I've been doing some thinking, and I made a
decision, too."
"Really? What's that?"
"I don't want to forget it. I want to get past it, but
I don't want
to forget it. I want to help other people like me."
"We can do that. What were you thinking?" Graham
tucked Xander's head
under his chin, gently rubbing his hands along the
brunette's side.
"I was thinking of looking for someplace, maybe the
college or high
school, and spending some time with some of the kids.
You know, the
ones that are going through some of the same stuff."
"That'd be great. In fact, I may know the perfect
place. A friend of
mine from school has a half way house set up for
runaway kids. I can
call him, get you set up for some meetings they have
with the kids."
Graham uncurled his legs, reaching for the phone.
Xander had other
ideas.
"Where you going?"
"To call Charles, about the half way house." Graham
gave Xander a
half confused, half amused look.
"Tomorrow, m'comfy now." And Xander reached out,
pulling Graham back
down to snuggle on the couch.
*****
*Three Days Later*
"Lord of Shadows, hold me tight. Wrap me in darkness,
safe from
night." Willow whispered the spell quickly, rushing
through the
darkened park. She'd just finished the final details
of the pre-
wedding party and wanted to run them by Xander and
Graham before
calling around to place orders.
Hearing a strange noise off to the side of the path,
she stopped, her
hand glowing as she held it up to ward off attack.
When no attack
came, she inched closer to the bushes, knowing even as
she did that
she should run back and get Buffy. But something about
the noise was
familiar. Pushing her way through the brush, Willow
stopped again,
smiling.
Graham sat next to the pond, skipping stones across
the surface. He
looked so lost, like the weight of the world sat on
his shoulders and
it had gotten a little heavier.
"Graham?" Willow sat down next to him, rubbing a hand
across his
shoulders.
"Hey Will. What are you doing out here?" He looked
over at her,
smiling a little, but not able to mask the fact that
it was forced.
"I was on my way to your apartment, actually. I have
some stuff to go
over with you guys about the party. But that can
wait." Willow sat
back, resting her weight on her hands. "What's got you
out here, when
you have a fiancé at home, waiting for you?"
"He's not at home. He's helping Giles with some
inventory stuff at
the shop, and I got tired of sitting at home
thinking."
"So you're in the park thinking?"
"No. Well, yeah, I guess I am. It's just hard. He
won't talk to me,
and I try not to push, but...I love him so much. And
it kills me to
see him hurting like this."
"I know, believe me, I know. But Xander's always been
the type to
hold it in, he wouldn't want anyone feeling pity for
him."
Graham looked over at her, startled. "I don't pity
him. I admire him.
After everything he's been through, he still has love
and hope. Not
everyone would have that."
"I agree. So, why are you here, brooding, instead of
over there with
him?"
"I don't know. I just had some thinking to do."
Willow stood, brushing the grass from her skirt, and
held a hand down
to him. "Come with me, I wanna show you something."
Graham took her hand, standing, and allowed her to
pull him out of
the park. "Willow, where are we going?"
"You'll see, just wait."
Graham followed along behind her, laughing softly as
she hummed and
bounced her way down the street. It wasn't long before
they were
standing outside the Magic Box.
"Look in there, Graham. Tell me what you see."
Graham looked in the window and saw Giles, book in
hand, walking back
and forth across the store. But over to the side, he
saw Xander,
sitting at the table, staring off into space. "They're
doing
inventory, nothing new here Willow."
"You're not looking close enough. Look at Xander, what
is he doing?"
"He's sitting there, pretending to do inventory."
Graham
laughed. "Again nothing new, Xander always pretends to
do inventory."
Willow turned Graham, looking into his face. "No,
Graham. He's
sitting there, staring off into space, wishing he
could be with you."
Getting no response from Graham, Willow sighed
dramatically. "Fine,
I'll do it." Then she moved over to the door, opening
it a crack, and
whistled softly to get Xander's attention. When Xander
looked over at
her, she waved her hand, motioning for him to come to
her.
Xander looked around, checking to see if Giles was
looking, then
wandered over to the door. "What is it Willow, we're
kinda busy here."
"Yeah, real busy." Willow rolled her eyes at him.
"Come out here,
someone's waiting for you."
Xander walked out the door, closing it quietly behind
him. He turned
and saw Graham standing there. "Graham, what are you
doing here?"
"I have no clue. Willow dragged me over here."
"Yeah, I interrupted a fascinating brood session. You
two need to be
alone, together. Consider me your good fairy, cause
this is the only
time I'll ever volunteer to help Giles with inventory.
Now go away,
talk, do whatever it is you do together. But don't
come back around
until you stop brooding."
*****
The two lovers walked down the street, side by side.
Xander reached
out for Graham's hand a couple of times, only to draw
back before
touching. They were both nervous, almost as if they
were just
starting out together, and weren't sure of each other
yet.
Graham watched Xander out of the corner of his eye. He
saw each time
the brunette reached for him, and was hurt each time
he stopped
short. "So...you okay? Do you want to sit?"
"No, I'm fine. How bout you? Are you tired?"
"No. Look, Xander, this is stupid...." Graham started
out, trying to
break some of the tension that had grown between them.
"I know, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to make it so
hard.."
"No, Xan, it's not you. Well, not just you. It's us,
we're both
making it hard." Graham reached out, cupping Xander's
cheek in his
hand. Leaning forward to press their foreheads
together, he placed a
light kiss on the other man's nose. "I love you so
much. It's killing
me to see you hurt."
"Do you? Still love me, I mean?" Xander sniffed,
trying to suppress
the tears that wanted to come out. He pulled back,
turning away from
Graham.
"Of course I do. Xan, where is this coming from?"
Graham stepped up
behind the brunette, reaching out to take him into his
arms, but
Xander was already moving away.
"I heard you last night. In the bathroom. How can you
say you love
me, but you won't touch me?"
"Baby, I touch you all the time. I'd like to touch you
now, and hold
you, if you'd just stand still for half a second."
"Yes, you hold me. When I ask you too. But you don't
kiss me, you
don't wrap me up in your arms and just hold me until I
don't care
that I can't breathe. We never make love anymore."
Xander ended by
turning to face Graham again, tears freely streaming
down his face.
"I didn't think you were ready. After everything
you've gone through,
and remembering it all, I didn't think you'd want to
be touched."
"You didn't ask. Hell, you shouldn't have to ask."
Xander turned away
again, running his hands through his hair in
frustration.
"Xander, tell me what to do. How can I make you see
how much I love
you?"
"Why don't you know? You used to know. Without asking,
without
thinking, you used to know everything."
"Newsflash Xander, I'm not perfect. I'm human, just
like you. I don't
know everything. Sometimes I don't think I know
anything." Graham
turned, walking back down the street.
Xander rushed to him. Wrapping his arms around him
from behind. "I'm
sorry. Please don't leave me."
Graham pulled Xander's arms away from him, turning to
face him
again. "Xander, I'm not going to leave you. Look at
me." He used his
finger to lift Xander's face, staring into his eyes.
"I. Love. You.
Nothing will change that. And I can't even begin to
know how to make
you believe me."
"I do believe you. And I love you too. Just, I want
you to touch me.
I want you to do more than love me, I want you to want
me."
"I do want you. I want you more than I've ever wanted
anything in my
life." Graham tightened his arms around Xander, but
kept their eyes
lock together. "Now, tell me what you want."
"You, only you. And no more trips to the bathroom,
young man." Xander
laughed, releasing some of the tension that had built
inside him.
Then he pressed his lips to Graham's, and whispered.
"Take me home."
Part 8
Xander stood just inside the back door to Buffy and
Riley's house and
surveyed the damage. Willow spun her way in and out
between tables
and chairs, flower arrangements piled to one side and
boxes of dishes
and tableclothes piled to the other. She whirled
around, waving her
arm like a conductor directing an orchestra, pointing
out where she
wanted everything placed. She turned, meeting Xander's
eyes, and ran
up to him.
"Xander, hi. Um, you should go back inside now. The
bride isn't
supposed to see the decorations before they're ready.
And they're
not, so you can't see them. Um, what are you doing
here so early. And
have you lost weight?" Willow babbled on as she tried
to pull Xander
back into the kitchen.
Xander followed, knowing it was useless to argue.
Although he did
shrug off her hand at his elbow and roll his eyes at
her. "Willow,
would you please stop calling me 'the bride' and it
isn't bad luck to
see the decorations. I'm here now, because this is the
time you said
to show up with my tux. And no, I haven't lost weight,
but thank you
for the compliment."
"I'm sure I read something about brides and
decorations. Hmm, I'll
look it up later. Okay, take the tux upstairs and hang
it in my room,
you'll need it tomorrow. And did you bring any other
clothes with
you?"
"No, just the tux. Why would I bring other clothes,
and why can't I
take the tux home?"
Willow leveled a stare at Xander, mouth hanging open.
"You don't
really think you're staying at your place tonight, do
you?"
Xander reached out, pushing up on Willow's lower jaw
until she
stopped talking. "Where else would I stay?"
"Here. of course. You can't spend the night before the
wedding with
the person your marrying. Xander, it's inappropriate."
"Willow, Graham and I have been living together for
months now, and
dating even longer than that. I don't see any reason
why we can't
stay together tonight."
Willow frowned, fluttering around the room. "Well,
cause of the party
tonight. We were gonna have this whole slumber party
thing, and there
would be ice cream and cake, and talking."
"Okay, I'll go along with that. But you have to be the
one to break
it to Graham. He had plans for tonight already."
Willow straightened her shoulders, setting her resolve
face firmly in
place. "Okay, I can do that."
"And no bullying him, Will. You know he's a little
intimidated by
you."
"By me, why?" Willow feigned innocent shock, but was
brought back to
resolve face when Xander doubled over in laughter.
"Willow, when are you going to realize you can't pull
off innocent
anymore? Especially not with me."
"I can so." Willow continued the old game by sticking
out her bottom
lip and pouting a little, then turned her back on
Xander and made her
way over to the counter. "Want coffee?"
"Sure. So, when you gonna call Graham? Best to catch
him right after
his workout." Xander's face got a dreamy look on it.
To anyone
looking at him, it was apparent where his thoughts had
led
him. "Will, maybe I should just go tell him. I can
pick up some
clothes and stuff, be back in a few hours?"
"Oh no, mister. You will stay here, where Buffy can
hold you down.
I'll get you some clothes and talk to Graham, and
there won't be any
sweaty groping."
Xander took a towel from the table, rolled it up, and
threw it at
Willow. "I've always liked the sweaty groping."
"I'm sure you have. And after tomorrow, you can have
it whenever you
want. But until the wedding is over, you will have me,
Buffy, or
Giles with you at all times."
"Fine, I can live through one night and day of no fun.
But you better
have lots of board games, or the deal's off."
Willow turned, squinting her eyes at him. "Hey, we'll
have lots of
fun". Then, seeing the way he arched his eyebrow at
her, she
blushed. "Oh, okay. Not that kind of fun, granted, but
there will be
movies, and popcorn. Besides, we can always get Buffy
drunk and
convince her she has a French test tomorrow."
Xander laughed at the memories of Buffy trying to
speak French, then
sobered. "Will?"
"Yeah, Xan?" Willow's face lost all trace of amusement
when she saw
the seriousness in his eyes.
"I just wanted to say thanks. You know, for planning
this whole thing
for us. Although, I gotta tell you, for a while I
wasn't sure it was
gonna happen."
"Xander, what are you talking about? Of course it was
going to
happen." Willow knelt next to Xander's chair, taking
his hands in
hers. "You and Graham belong together. Any idiot can
see that."
"I know, now. It just took me a long time to realize
that it was
real." Eyes becoming damp, Xander stood and got a
bottle of water
from the refrigerator before returning to his chair.
"I know, Xan. Tell ya what, you march upstairs, run a
hot bath, and
have a soak. A good hot soak heals all troubles. Well,
that and
chocolate." Willow ended with a slight smile.
Xander watched her go, letting Willow's comforting
words sink in a
little. Hearing the door open again, he figured Will
must have left
something behind and returned for it. He smiled
fondly, remembering
how forgetful she'd always been.
"Hey Harris, thought I'd find you here."
Xander sat up straight, his every instinct telling him
to run, to
hide, at the sound of that voice. "Faith! What the
hell are you doing
here?" Jumping up from his chair, he backed away as
the rogue slayer
entered the kitchen. He snatched a knife from the
counter next to the
sink and wedged himself into the corner by the fridge.
Faith seemed saddened by his reaction, jamming her
hands into the
pockets of her loose fitting jeans. When she settled
against the
counter, as far from Xander as she could get, he
finally had time to
look her over. The white tank top, covered with a
loose, navy blue
zip up sweater, combined with jeans that weren't
cutting off her
circulation, showed a side of the girl he'd never seen
before, one
he'd never expected too. Looking into her face, the
lack of make-up
made the lines around her eyes and mouth stand out,
along with the
dark circles around her eyes.
But it was what he saw in her eyes that convinced him
to put the
knife away. In them he saw fear, remorse, a bit of
that wild look
some animals got just before they turned and ran from
humans. What he
didn't see was the old look of contempt and barely
concealed hatred
that used to be her trademark.
Keeping his eyes on her, he pulled the refrigerator
door open and
took out another bottle of water, tossing it to Faith.
"So, you were
looking for me? Why? I mean, come back after a few
years to finish
the job?"
Faith lowered her eyes, peeling away the label on her
water
bottle. "No. I..I came to Sunnydale to see Angel.
There was a problem
in LA, it's been taken care of, but...Gunn thought he
should know."
Xander wandered back over to the table, sitting down,
never taking
his eyes off Faith. "And what, you never heard of a
phone?" His eyes
narrowed as he watched her reaction to his harsh
words. He'd expected
an explosion of some kind, massive amounts of
violence, a little
beating, or at the least some slamming around and
walking out. But
all he saw was her shrinking further into herself.
Faith closed her eyes against the pain his tone
caused, knowing she
deserved it, but hurt none the less. "Angel's kinda
famous for his
lack of cell phone knowledge." She looked up, a
crooked smile on her
lips, and saw his puzzled look. "He never turns it
on."
"Ah," Xander replied, nodding his head. Leaning back
in his chair, he
reached under the table with his leg and pushed out
the chair
opposite him. "Have a seat. But keep your hands above
the table,
please?" He watched as she looked over at him,
stunned, and slowly
inched her way over to sit down. "So, you're out of
jail? How'd that
happen?"
Faith splayed her hands on the table, making sure to
keep them in
plain sight. She hadn't expected him, or anyone, to
trust her. In
fact, she'd have been disappointed if they had. She
stared at her
hands for a moment, gathering her thoughts, then
looked up, meeting
his eyes. "Well, let's see, I got parole for good
behavior." She
laughed ironically. "Imagine, me, getting rewarded for
good behavior.
After that, I went to the only place I thought I'd be
welcome, by one
person at least. I went to Angel. He took me in, gave
me work, gave
me a purpose. After a while, and I didn't even know he
was working on
it, but, one of his informants uncovered some of the
mayor's old
files. There were a few papers in there showing how
the mayor and his
deputy were planning to off Buffy and me. He took the
papers to a
lawyer who used them to show I killed Allan Finch in
self defense.
So, I'm out for good, verdict overturned, clean slate
and all."
Xander raised an eyebrow, "Really? A whole new start,
just like that?
Must be great. But you'll forgive me if I'm not
jumping for joy about
your return to society. After all, I was one of the
people you tried
to kill." Standing, Xander moved slowly toward the
kitchen door,
stopping when he heard her chair push away from the
table. He turned,
pulling the phone from the wall as he did. He'd raised
it above his
head, like a weapon, when he noticed her strange look
and the fact
that she'd been moving away from him instead of coming
at him. He
lowered the phone, inwardly cursing himself for
showing the fear he
was feeling.
Faith's wide eyes lowered, guilt shimmering across her
face before
she had a chance to smother it. When she looked up at
him again,
unshed tears glistened at the corners of her eyes.
"Look, Xander. I'm
sorry for startling you, I didn't mean too. I guess
I'll just go,
Angel has some stuff for me to take back to LA."
Xander watched as she turned and walked toward the
back door. He
called out just as she reached for the handle. "Faith?
You told me
why you're in Sunnydale, but not why you were looking
for me. Was
there a reason you looked me up, or was it just for
fun?"
Turning back, Faith looked at him for a long moment
before releasing
the door and moving back toward him, hands stuffed
into
pockets. "Yeah, that." She sighed, sounding defeated.
"Look, I've
never really been any good at the whole apology thing,
so I'll just
come out with it. I wanted to let you know I was sorry
for what I did
to you. It was wrong on so many levels, and I never
saw that until
recently. And I don't expect the hugs and kisses, or
to be forgiven
and become best friends, I just wanted to let you
know. You were
probably the only one here that treated me like a
human being for so
long, then when shit started happening, I kinda took
it out on you. I
know that's not an excuse and I'm not trying to make
them, I guess
I'm just trying to make amends."
Xander tossed the phone on the countertop and leaned
back against the
door frame, arms crossed over his chest. "Well, that's
some speech.
And the truth is, I forgave you a long time ago."
Holding up a hand,
he stopped her when she went to interrupt. "I forgave
you, but I
won't forget it. And you're right about one thing,
we'll never be
best friends, hell we may never be any kind of friends
again, but I
don't want to be your enemy, I have too many of those
already."
"Xander! Are you here?" Xander heard the voice from
the living room
and his insides melted. Graham appeared at the
entrance to the
kitchen, a blazing smile spreading across his face as
he saw Xander.
He crossed to the island in the middle of the floor,
leaning across
to meet Xander halfway and they shared a soft, gentle
kiss before
pulling back. That's when he saw the dark haired woman
standing
across the kitchen, leaning back against the counter
and looking
uncomfortable. Blushing, he glanced at Xander out of
the corner of
his eye before introducing himself. "Hello, I'm
Graham, and you are?"
Faith slowly crossed to him, holding her hand out.
"I'm Faith."
Graham stood up straight, his entire face darkening.
He turned hard
eyes on Xander. "This is Faith?" At Xander's confused
nod, Graham
took him by the hand, pulling him toward the door.
"What the hell are
you doing here alone with her? Where's Buffy?"
"Right here, what's going on?" Buffy said coming
through the door,
eyes going cold as she saw who their visitor was.
"Faith!"
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