When We Last Met
by james walkswithwind
chapter ten
 

Xander had come out of the hypnotic state with the
images still swirling in
his mind.  Giles had told him to focus on Graham, to
think of nothing but
the times he'd spent with Graham.  It had awoken the
memories he'd been
dreaming about ever since he'd seen Graham at Lowell
House, the very first
time. He'd been able to make himself remember, and
he'd slowly seen the
images.  Images of him and Graham, laughing in the
middle of a park -- in
Florida.  Images of him and Graham in a bed in a hotel
room, whispering to
each other in spanish, and laughing.  Images of
Graham, in fatigues, waving
him forward.

Images of himself, staring into a mirror at a man who
was not Xander.
Graham had been behind him, somewhere, muttering about
shaving cream and
didn't he taking field kits a little too far.  The man
in the mirror had
laughed.

"You know what this means?"  Xander asked. He sat on
the couch, hands
clasped together tight.  If he let go he might do
something with them, and
doing anything felt like the first step towards
panicking.  Or freaking
out -- he wasn't sure which.  All he knew was that he
was half a step away
from bouncing off the walls and he wasn't sure that he
wouldn't end up
breaking things if he did.

"I understand what happened," Giles replied, still
sounding calm and
soothing, like he was trying not to spook Xander any
further.  "I'm not
quite sure I understand what it *means*."

"I don't even know what happened," Willow put in.  She
was looking worried,
sitting in between Xander and Giles, looking from one
to the other.  Giles
had phoned her after Xander had recovered from the
hypnosis and had been
unable to get much coherent speech out.  That was
Giles' claim, at any rate.
Xander was sure he'd repeated himself often enough
that Giles *had* to
understand what was wrong.

But maybe not; in any event, he had Willow to tell.
As if telling it again
would help?  Xander took a deep breath, and said, "It
isn't me that knows
him.  Remember that Hallowe'en, when we all turned
into our costumes?"

Willow nodded, eyes wide but staring steadily at him.
"You turned into a
soldier."

"Yeah, but not 'a' soldier.  I turned into the guy
whose BDUs I was wearing.
Private Robert Hendrick.  He...he's the one who knew
Graham."

"OK," Willow said, nodding.  "So that explains how you
know stuff.  And
remember things...that Robert knew?"

Xander nodded.  Tried not to think about the dreams
he'd had, dreaming of
being with Graham, feeling so good, making them both
laugh.  Wanting just to
be with him.  They hadn't been dreams -- at least, not
his own.  They'd been
memories.  Someone else's.

"Um, so, you aren't insane, or anything.  Right?"
Willow glanced up at
Giles for confirmation.  Giles nodded.  "So, what's
the problem?"

Xander took another deep breath.  Still wasn't
helping.  "Robert's the one
who loved him."  Before Willow's confused look could
do more than turn into
happy surprise because he'd used the 'l' word, he
continued, "And I don't
think Graham's speaking to me, anymore."

"Huh?"  Willow sat up straight, an alarmed expression
on her face.  "What do
you mean? What happened?"

"This morning.  We were at my place after I got home
from work.
We...um..right, vague, were in bed afterwards and we
were talking.  I asked
him how long he'd been a Marine, because
we'd...um...more vague stuff."  He
shot a look at Giles, and said hurriedly,
"Iwantedtoseehiminhisuniform.  He
said he wasn't a Marine.  I said he was, he said he
wasn't.  He left pretty
soon after that.  When I asked him if I would see him
tonight, he said he
wasn't sure."

Reaching over to take his hand, Willow said, "That
doesn't mean you won't
see him again.  Xander, once you explain how you
knew...."

"I'm supposed to tell him I was possessed one night,
by the spirit of his
old boyfriend?"

"Maybe you can say...um...that you knew Robert?  He
told you about Graham,
and you only just remembered?"

"That does sound like an excellent suggestion," Giles
put in.  "Assuming you
intend to never tell him about...things."

"Is Buffy going to tell Riley about...things?"  Xander
asked.  It was the
other problem he'd been debating -- thinking up until
recently it was his
biggest problem.  He'd meant to have a heart-to-heart
about it with Buffy,
see what she was going to do.

"I don't know.  She hasn't, yet.  But...I think she's
going to.  Not soon,
but eventually."

Willow and Xander were now both staring at Giles.
"She's really serious
about Riley, isn't she?" asked Willow.

"She seems to be, yes."

"And...are you all right with that?" she asked,
carefully.

Giles looked surprised.  "Why wouldn't I be?  I'm
delighted that she's found
a boyfriend, someone normal, to share her life with.
And if she truly *can*
share her life with him...all the better."

Xander thought he sounded a little worried.  But he
didn't say anything,
because then they'd both focus back on--

"Xander, if you *do* decide to tell Graham the truth,
you might talk with
Buffy, first.  If Graham goes to talk with Riley about
it, and he doesn't
know anything...."

"I think I'm not gonna tell him."  Because it wouldn't
matter, would it?

"Why not?"  Willow sounded like she was just waiting
for him to speak, so
she could shoot down his arguments.

"Because it isn't fair to Graham," he said quietly.

"Telling him the truth?  Xander--"

He shook his head.  "Because he...he likes me, right?"
He paused while
Willow got a silly smile on her face.  "And I...I'm
not the one who likes
*him*.  Robert does.  Or did.  Whatever of him is in
my head, is the part
that...."

"Loves him?"

"I think he did," Xander admitted, miserably.  "And it
means I'm just
leading Graham on, and I can't really ever feel what I
let him think I feel
because it isn't me.  And if I tell him the truth,
he'll know it isn't me,
and who would want to date a guy who's just possessed
by the memories on
someone who loves you?  If he loved Robert, still,
they'd still be together.
So he must not want to be with Robert, and the Robert
in my head wants to be
with Graham, who wants to be with Xander...."  He
dropped his head into his
hands.  "I knew this was going to turn out like this.
Not *exactly*, but
when have I ever dated someone normal?"

"I thought you said Larry was normal?" Giles asked,
absently.

Not raising his head, Xander said, "Larry and I didn't
officially date.  It
doesn't count.  All we ever did was kiss -- and I
don't even mean that
vaguely."

He felt Willow pat his arm.  "Xander, I'm sure there's
a way around this.
You can't just give up -- you two have been so happy,
since you started
dating."

"How do you know Graham's been happy?  You didn't even
know him, until you
started spying on him for me."

"Riley said so.  He said Graham's been positively
glowing, lately."  Willow
smiled, smugly.

But it made Xander feel worse.  He was gonna have to
break up with Graham,
and Graham wasn't going to understand why, and it was
going to make him
miserable, and...and Xander didn't *want* to make
Graham miserable.
Thinking about it made that Robert-part of his brain
scream at him that if
he did, he'd rip his lungs out.  He pressed his hands
into his eyes.  If he
could somehow exorcise that part of his brain, get rid
of Robert Hendrick
once and for all...he could break up with Graham with,
maybe not a clear
conscience, but without feeling like it was really his
own heart that was
breaking.

But it explained why his heart felt like it knew
Graham well enough, to
break.

"Xander?"  Willow rubbed his back, but he didn't look
up.  "Xander, there
has to be something we can do."

"There is.  Unpossess me.  Make me forget *everything*
Robert knows."  Make
him forget how much he liked seeing Graham's eyes
light up.  Make him forget
the hours they'd spent, lying together, looking at
each other and feeling as
if there was nowhere else in the world better to be.
"Get rid of that voice
in my head that's screaming at me for letting him go."

"Giles?  Is there a spell for that?"

There was silence while Giles thought through the
mental catalogue of his
books.  Then, "Yes, I believe there is.  I hadn't
thought of using it, since
none of you seemed...harmed, by your memories of that
Hallowe'en.  But it's
a rather straight-forward procedure.  It will block
the memories, though,
rather than exorcise them.  You won't be rid of them,
but you won't be able
to access them."

"As long as I can't think things Robert should be
thinking, that's good."
Xander finally raised his head.  Willow reached over
and wiped a finger
across his cheek.

Then she smiled.  "You can't break up with him,
though.  If we do this,
you'll be just you, in your head.  And Graham still
likes *you*.
Maybe...maybe you really do like him.  Even without
Robert's memories
telling you that you love him."

Xander blinked at her.  "You...you think?"

"Well, he's cute, he's smart, and he likes your jokes.
If I didn't think he
was good for you I never would have set you two up."

"Wills, you set us up because you were tired of me
babbling about him."

"That, too.  Now, is it a deal?  You don't say
anything about being
possessed.  We'll think of something to tell him about
your remembering he
was a Marine.  Or you can just have sex with him until
he forgets you ever
mentioned it."

"Pardon me," Giles interrupted.  "I'm still in the
room.  You're both
required to be vague."

Willow turned to Giles, and said in a confused tone,
"That was vague.
Wasn't it?  I didn't say 'sweaty hot monkey se--"  She
looked at Xander, who
had clamped his hand over her mouth.

"When can we do this spell?"

"As soon as we get all the ingredients," Giles
replied, sounding relieved
they'd changed the subject.  Xander was tempted to
change it back.  "I need
to check the book, but I think we've everything except
the dried snail
slime."

Xander watched him head towards the bookshelf.  "You
just said that to get
back at me for saying 'rimming'."

"I didn't, but as you've said it again, I might add
birds' livers to the
potion, and make you drink it."

"Rimming?" Willow asked.

Xander jumped up from the couch.  "How about if I go
to the magic shop and
buy the snail slime?"

"Rimming?"  Willow asked, again, standing up then
following him as he headed
over to read the spell over Giles' shoulder.

"Do I need to buy anything else?"

"Rimming?" Willow asked him, again.

Xander saw Giles smirk.  "Perhaps Willow should go
with you.  She's more
familiar with the ingredients...."

"Thanks, Giles.  Remind me to tell you about the
rubber."  His grin faltered
as he realized -- that was a memory, too.  Not his.
He spun on his heel and
headed for the door.  "I'll be back as  soon as I
can."

Willow didn't say anything, until he had almost closed
the door.  Then he
heard her say to Giles, "What's rimming?"

Xander shut the door fast, and ran.

end chapter ten