Part 12/?

Spike turned quickly and slammed a stake into the 
fledge?s chest, killing 
the inept creature before it could sneak up on him.  
He looked around the 
crypt, but there was no one left to fight.  The young 
vampires who had shown 
up to avenge their friends had died quickly; not even 
the close quarters had 
helped them when it came to facing experienced 
fighters, not to mention 
Spike himself.  None of the humans had been hurt and 
Spike had actually 
finished healing during the course of the fight.

He turned to look at Xander, wanting to read his 
expression.  The 
dark-haired man refused to meet his gaze; instead, 
Xander was standing off 
in a corner, arms wrapped around himself as he avoided 
everyone else as best 
he could.  That made Spike?s decision for him.  If 
Xander didn?t want to 
talk about anything with anyone, then he didn?t have 
to.  ?What?s next on 
the agenda for tonight, then??  He could probably 
distract the soldier boys 
by feeding them some line about duty before personal 
concerns.

?I?m empty,? Xander said quietly.

Shit.  No distraction and they were going to have to 
see the Cynon again.  
Spike scowled and tried to come up with another 
distraction.  He wasn?t fast 
enough.  Graham walked across the crypt to once again 
face Xander.  Spike 
was tempted to interfere, to try to block the soldier 
again.  He didn?t want 
the other man to have a chance to hurt Xander...and he 
had to admit that he 
wouldn?t mind feeling the other man?s body against his 
own.  He knew that 
interfering would only make things worse, though, so 
he stayed out of it.  
He just made sure to be close enough to be ready if 
Xander needed him.

?We aren?t finished, Xander.?  Graham stood in front 
of the dark-haired man, 
arms crossed over his chest.  ?I want to know what you 
think is going on.?

?What??  Xander reluctantly looked up to meet Graham?s 
gaze.

?You say that Spike isn?t using you.  You say that you 
weren?t paying him by 
letting him...letting him have your blood.  What is 
going on, then??

?I don?t know what is going on!? Xander protested.

?I?m not interested in games.?

?It isn?t a game,? Xander said pleadingly.  ?Graham, 
I?m not lying to you.?

?Then what is Spike to you?  He didn?t just feed from 
you.  I saw him kiss 
you.?

Xander shook his head.  ?I don?t know what to tell 
you.  I?m sorry, but I 
don?t.  Things are really confusing.  I know how you 
make me feel...but 
there?s Spike, too.?

?You like Spike??  Graham?s voice was incredulous.  
?And you actually think 
he could feel something for you?  Xander, that?s 
insane.  Can you hear 
yourself?  You have to know how crazy that is.?

?Graham...?  There was pure misery in Xander?s voice, 
the same as that which 
filled his eyes, but he made no move to deny his 
feelings for Spike.

Graham stared at him in disbelief for a moment before 
his features slipped 
into an expressionless mask.  ?I don?t believe this.?  
He turned and walked 
toward the entrance of the crypt.  Just before he 
reached it, he turned and 
looked back at Xander.  ?I wasted a lot of dreams on 
you.?  Then he was 
gone, taking Riley with him.

Spike unclenched his fists, hardly noticing the pain 
from where his 
fingernails had sliced through the flesh of his palms.  
He wanted to follow 
Graham, wanted to return upon him the pain he?d just 
visited upon Xander, 
but he couldn?t.  Not only was the chip stopping him, 
but he had to stay 
with Xander.

Xander was staring at the mouth of the crypt, hugging 
himself as his eyes 
shone with unshed tears.  Spike approached him 
cautiously.  ?Xander?  Time 
to head home.?

Xander blinked rapidly and the tears disappeared, but 
he didn?t respond.  
Hovering over him every step of the way, Spike 
shepherded him back to the 
apartment,  never moving more than a pace away from 
his side the entire 
journey.  Once inside the apartment, he ushered Xander 
over to the couch and 
sat down beside him, twisting so he could see his 
face.  He was more than a 
little unnerved by the other man?s continued silence.  
?Xander??

The only response he got was more rapid blinking to 
dispel potential tears.  
Spike couldn?t sit there and watch Xander hurt.  He 
followed his instinct 
and leaned forward, trying to pull Xander into a 
comforting embrace.

Xander resisted him with sudden fierce effort, 
throwing off his arm.  ?I?m 
not interested in being used,? he said harshly.

Spike froze.  Damn that soldier bastard!  First he 
hurt Xander by throwing 
the boy?s confusion back in his face and then he made 
Xander doubt him.  
Spike had spent weeks by Xander?s side, slowly earning 
his trust and his 
friendship.  He had even begun to think Xander could 
return his feelings and 
now all that may have been destroyed.  Fighting down 
his anger, he met 
Xander?s glare directly.  ?I?m not using you, Xander.?

?Yeah?  So this isn?t some kind of ploy to get close 
to Buffy?  You were 
spending a lot of time hanging around her before.?  
There was old pain in 
Xander?s eyes behind the new hurt, like being used 
wasn?t anything new for 
him.

?No!  Of course not.  This was never about Buffy.?  
Xander?s gaze didn?t 
soften at all.  ?Look, I admit I played with Riley?s 
head.  He was one of 
*them*, one of the ones that put this damn chip in my 
head.  I couldn?t do 
anything to them like I wanted to, couldn?t do 
anything to get any real 
revenge, so I took what I could get.  He was so 
insecure about Buffy that it 
didn?t take much to push his buttons.  You know me, 
luv.  I couldn?t not do 
it.?

?So you were only lying to Riley about Buffy??  Xander 
watched him intently.

?I was messing with his head, getting my own back the 
only way I could.  He 
must have told Graham about it.  That?s why the stupid 
git is hung up on the 
idea.?  He moved closer to Xander and reached out to 
stroked his hands up 
and down the other man?s upper arms.  ?I?ve been with 
you because I want to 
be with you, Xander.  It?s got nothing to with anyone 
but you.?

Xander held his gaze, searching for something.  ?I 
want to believe you.?

?Then do.  I?m telling the truth, Xan.  This is only 
about you and the way I 
feel about you.  The rest of Sunnyhell could disappear 
and nothing would 
change because you?re the only thing that matters.?  
It was hard to find the 
words.  He hadn?t needed them with Dru; they hadn?t 
really made sense to 
her.  It was attention that she craved.  It was the 
same with Harmony, even; 
all that had mattered was that he was focused on her.  
His words usually 
went right over her empty head.  With Xander staring 
at him with somber 
eyes, he had to grope to find a way to convince the 
other man he was telling 
the truth.

He pulled Xander closer, not stopping until he held 
Xander close against his 
chest.  ?I don?t care what anyone else thinks or feels 
or wants, luv.  All 
that matters is you.  If you don?t want this, fine.  
It ends here because 
you want it to.?  Ignore the fact that it would rip 
Spike?s heart out.  He?d 
still back off...for as long as he could, anyway.  ?If 
this is what you 
want, though, I?m here.  You understand?  I?m not 
going anywhere so long as 
you want me here.?  He held Xander tightly, unwilling 
to let him go.  He 
might say he was, but he couldn?t change how he felt.  
He loved Xander, 
wanted him, and he wasn?t going to let him go without 
a fight.

Xander was silent for several moments, holding himself 
utterly still.  A 
shuddering sigh shook his frame and he turned a 
little, moving deeper into 
the circle of Spike?s arms.  Xander?s arms slowly 
unwrapped from around his 
own body and slid around Spike so that he was 
returning the embrace.  ?I 
want to believe you,? he repeated in a whisper.

?Then do,? Spike said again, scattering kisses across 
Xander?s temple.  
?Just trust me, luv.  I?ve got you and I?m not going 
to let you go.?  He 
might be able to force himself to back off for a bit 
and give Xander the 
illusion of freedom, but there was no way that he 
could ever just let Xander 
go.  Not after falling in love with him.  He continued 
to hold Xander, the 
warm strength of him filling his arms.  He could feel 
Xander?s heart beat, 
smell the pure sent of him as the dark-haired man 
relaxed against him.

A ragged sigh ghosted across Spike?s skin.  ?Graham 
was wrong,? Xander said 
quietly.  ?I wasn?t playing games with him.?

?I know, luv.  You?re not me.  You don?t do that to 
people.?  Spike forced 
himself to keep his voice level to avoid upsetting 
Xander.  He still felt 
the urge to hunt Graham down and smash the taller 
man?s face in.  Just 
because Graham couldn?t handle the idea of Xander 
being interested in anyone 
besides him was no reason to hurt him.  One reason 
that Spike was drawn to 
Xander was the other man?s innate honesty.  If Graham 
hadn?t seen that in 
Xander and realized that playing games could never be 
a part of Xander?s 
nature, then he didn?t deserve a chance with Xander.

Xander still hadn?t looked up at him.  ?But if I 
wasn?t playing games, you 
know what that means, right??

Spike tightened his embrace.  ?I know, Xander.  You 
really felt something 
for him.?

?Feel,? Xander corrected.  ?It isn?t just going to go 
away.?

?I know that, too.?  Spike kissed Xander?s hair once 
more.  ?Love doesn?t 
work by any rules.  It?s never easy, not if it?s real.  
I understand, pet, 
and it?s all right.?

He was rewarded for finding the words by Xander 
raising his head.  The dark 
eyes that met his were liquid with unshed tears.  
Spike met Xander?s solemn 
stare for a moment, then leaned forward and kissed the 
corner of Xander?s 
mouth.  When that drew the barest hint of a smile from 
Xander, Spike moved 
forward once more and kissed him more firmly, taking 
in the feeling of soft 
lips moving against his own.  After a moment he sat 
back.

Xander blinked a few times and the smile disappeared, 
buried under rising 
uncertainty.  ?Um, did I do something wrong??

?No,? Spike said quickly.  He hated this; he wasn?t 
prepared to have to 
guess how his actions could be interpreted.  He wasn?t 
used to caring about 
how they reacted beyond whether or not he managed to 
frighten or hurt them.  
?Nothing?s wrong.  It?s just...? he shut his mouth.  
He was beginning to 
babble as uselessly as Angel would.

Xander?s smile made a brief reappearance.  ?It?s ok.  
I think I just want to 
go to bed.  I need some time on my own.  To think, you 
know??

Spike nodded.  ?You do that, luv.  I?ll be here when 
you want to talk more 
tomorrow.?  He brushed his lips across Xander?s once 
more, then stood up and 
helped Xander to his feet as well.  ?Sleep well.?

Shoulders slumped wearily, Xander nodded and headed 
for his bedroom.  Spike 
watched him go, then entered his own bedroom.  He 
wasn?t going out that 
night.  He couldn?t, not when there was a chance 
Xander could need him.  
More pragmatically, staying in also meant that he 
wouldn?t be tempted to see 
how much damage he could wreak on Graham before the 
chip finally melted his 
brain.

He changed his clothing, removing his jeans and 
pulling on a pair of pyjama 
pants he?d appropriated from Xander.  He?d never been 
one for pjs, but he?d 
noticed that Xander seemed to like him wearing them.  
If it meant he might 
get a smile from Xander in the morning, then he?d wear 
them.  He stayed in 
his room, laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling 
as he listened to 
Xander get ready for bed.

Humans were so strange about love.  The way they 
believed that you could 
only love one person at a time; he couldn?t understand 
it.  He could 
remember his own childish beliefs in true love with a 
single person, but 
they seemed just that:  childish.  Love was love; why 
try to limit it to a 
single other person?  Xander was torturing himself 
over feelings that he 
couldn?t control, and Graham was willing to throw away 
a chance with Xander 
because he couldn?t understand that love couldn?t be 
limited.

As all sound gradually ceased in the apartment, Spike 
stood up and crept 
silently from his room to Xander?s.  He didn?t feel 
right going to sleep 
until he checked on the other man.  He stood in the 
doorway and sighed.  
Xander was huddled in a tight ball in one corner of 
his bed, his expression 
unhappy even in sleep.  Not wanting to risk waking 
him, Spike stayed in the 
doorway, watching him sleep.  When Xander woke up 
tomorrow, Spike intended 
to be there for him.  He was going to make him lose 
that pained expression 
and bring the smile back to his eyes.  He was going to 
show him that it was 
all right to feel like he did.

He was going to do everything he could to make Xander 
realize that he was 
loved.

*****

Part 13/?

As the rising sun finally shone through his window, 
Xander gave up on all 
pretenses of sleep.  He?d been restless all night, 
dark thoughts and a heavy 
heart bringing him out of fitful dreams again and 
again.  He?d slept a 
little at first, but for the past few hours he had 
been faking it, hoping 
that the semblance of sleep might at least make him 
feel rested.  Xander 
gave up and climbed out of bed.  He stood in the 
middle of his room and 
stared wearily at his closet.  What was he going to do 
today?  It was his 
day off, so he didn?t have to worry about work.

Great.  So he could spend the whole day thinking about 
how badly he?d fucked 
up his life.

Xander shook himself.  Thinking like that wasn?t going 
to get him anywhere.  
It would just drive him back into bed...or maybe under 
it.  The only thing 
that was going to keep him going was work.  If he 
didn?t have to go into his 
day job, then he could work on the one he did at 
night.  He?d made a promise 
to Spike not to do anything without him, but he 
couldn?t stay in the 
apartment all day and wait for night to fall.  He?d 
find a way to make it up 
to Spike later.

Dressing quickly, Xander left the apartment as quietly 
as he could, knowing 
that Spike would be sleeping to deeply to notice 
anything except maybe a 
war.  Hands shoved deeply into his pockets, he walked 
to the cemetery, 
thoughts whirling around in his mind in endless 
spirals.  Graham?s words 
echoed in his memory:  ?I wasted a lot of dreams on 
you?.  Had those dreams 
been wasted?  Xander hadn?t been trying to play with 
Graham; he?d been 
attracted to the other man and had fallen in love with 
him.  Those feelings 
had been real...but so were his feelings for Spike.  
He didn?t understand 
how he could be in love with two people at the same 
time.  What was wrong 
with him?  The thing that frightened him most was the 
thought that maybe he 
wasn?t really in love with either Graham or Spike.  
Maybe he only thought he 
was.  Maybe he didn?t know what love was and he was 
confusing something else 
for it.

More confused than when he left the house, Xander 
reached the Cynon?s crypt. 
  He hesitated for a moment outside.  He didn?t want 
to go in without 
knowing that Spike would be outside, waiting for him 
and looking out for 
him.  Damning himself as a coward, he forced himself 
to enter.  The interior 
was shadowed even in daylight and Xander stared hard 
through the darkness.  
?Hello??

The Cynon glided out of the far corner, appearing out 
of the shadows to leer 
down at Xander.  ?I didn?t expect you to return so 
quickly.?

?I?m full of surprises,? Xander said.  ?Let?s do 
this.?

?Eager today?  Good.?  The Cynon moved closer, 
circling around him with 
predatory grace.  ?I have something special planned.?  
It leaned closer, 
staring at him in obvious anticipation.  ?Rejection.?  
It said the word 
slowly, drawing it out, savoring it.

Xander shuddered a little but he refused to look away.  
?Can you hurry this 
up?  I?ve got plans for later.?

The Cynon inclined its head and raised its hand, 
reaching out toward 
Xander?s face but stopping just short of making 
contact.  ?Feel,? it 
whispered.

Xander felt.  The memories of a lifetime of rejection 
coursed through him, 
replaying in his mind as if new once more.  Every time 
his parents ignored 
him in favor of watching the television or yelling at 
each other.  Every 
time the cool kids had walked right past him as if he 
didn?t exist.  Every 
time his friends left him behind without even 
considering bringing him 
along.  Every time he lost a job.  Anya leaving him.  
Graham turning his 
back on him and walking away.

The last ripped through him.  He?d had no time to get 
used to it, to try to 
build any kind of scar tissue over it.  He could see 
the disappointment and 
hurt and anger in Graham?s eye, the hints of disgust 
in his voice, the angry 
line of his back as he walked away.  The latest 
rejection, it cut the 
deepest, hurt the most.

He couldn?t put a good face on it, couldn?t pretend 
that it didn?t touch 
him.  Tears ran down his cheeks and he didn?t try to 
stop them; at least 
they obscured the face of the Cynon, leering down at 
him.  He let the tears 
run freely and was grateful for the blindness that 
they brought.

Finally, the Cynon released its hold on his emotions.  
The flood of memories 
ceased, but the tears continued to come.  He twisted 
away violently, facing 
the wall and wrapping his arms about himself tightly.  
He drew in breath in 
huge gasps, fighting for control.  It was a hard-won 
battle but he 
eventually repressed the tears and slowed his 
breathing back down to normal. 
  He scrubbed his hands over his face, wiping away the 
last of the tears.  
He closed his eyes, trying to sort through all the 
information in his head.  
There were vampires in the northernmost cemetery, 
demons encroaching on the 
east side neighborhoods, and some new demons in the 
wood in the north.

Wait.  Xander could visualize the demons in the woods, 
could see them as 
they infested an abandoned cabin.  He recognized them.  
Relatives of theirs 
had moved through Sunnydale three years ago.  Buffy 
had been inclined to 
leave them be; they didn?t bother humans but instead 
targeted vampires, 
preferring to feast on dead flesh.  The Scoobies had 
only gotten involved 
with the demons began to desecrate graves in search of 
more food.  They were 
tough and nasty and they would swarm all over Spike 
the moment they saw him, 
dragging him down by sheer weight of numbers and make 
him their next meal..

Not looking at the Cynon, Xander walked out of the 
crypt and into the 
sunshine.  The warmth of the day didn?t touch him.  
The knowledge of what he 
had to do filled him, numbing him to everything else 
except his purpose.  He 
didn?t have a lot of time.  He was going to have to 
retrieve a few weapons 
from a secret stash he kept near his parents? house.  
During the confusion 
of the Initiative?s departure from Sunnydale, he?d 
managed to appropriate 
several weapons for himself.  The just-in-case 
scenario he?d half-imagined 
was finally occurring, so it was time to pull them out 
of storage.

Before he did that, he was going to have to take care 
of a few personal 
things.  He walked swiftly back to his apartment, 
keeping himself focused on 
the task he had set for himself.  He eased into the 
apartment, careful to 
stay quiet.  Morning was still barely beginning so 
Spike would still be 
heavily asleep, but he didn?t want to take any 
chances.

He made his way to his bedroom and reached under his 
bed, pulling out the 
thick envelope he had hidden away.  He didn?t like to 
think about the 
envelope?s contents, but he?d always known he was 
going to need them.  He 
just hadn?t expected it to be so soon.  He sat down on 
the bed and laid the 
envelope down beside him.  He then opened up the 
drawer in his nightstand 
and pulled out three sheets of paper and a pen.  Using 
the envelope to bear 
down on, he quickly wrote three new letters.  He 
folded two of them, 
addressing them with names and then slid them into the 
envelope.  The third 
he folded and addressed, but he left it on his bed.

Xander stood and walked over to his closet, pulling 
out a pair of jeans and 
a long sleeved shirt.  He needed old clothes, 
comfortable and tough.  He 
removed his clothes and pulled the ones he?d chosen 
on, taking comfort in 
the familiarity of them against his skin.  He picked 
up the envelope and 
glanced at the folder letter he?d left on the bed.  He 
hesitated for a 
moment, but he really didn?t have a better place to 
leave it.  He?d have to 
just leave it there and hope for the best.

He knew he should just leave, take the envelope and 
get out, but he couldn?t 
resist the impulse to look in on Spike.  He crept over 
to the second bedroom 
and eased the door open.  He peered in through the 
crack.  Spike lay beneath 
the sheets, the pale perfect muscles of his back and 
shoulders revealed as 
he slept on his stomach, arms wrapped around the 
pillow that he hugged to 
his chest.

Xander wanted to push the door open, to enter the room 
fully and stand 
beside the bed.  He wanted to stroke his hands over 
the blond hair, to feel 
the smooth muscles and inhale Spike?s scent.  He 
wanted to kiss the vampire 
again.  He wanted...but he couldn?t have.  It was 
finally all clear to him:  
Spike had told him the night before that he didn?t 
care about Sunnydale or 
anyone in the town but Xander.  He was hanging around 
a place he hated, tied 
there because Xander was never going to go anywhere or 
accomplish anything.  
He morbidly wondered which would be worse:  having 
Spike stay in Sunnydale 
and hate every moment of it and know that he was 
responsible for the 
vampire?s unhappiness, or having Spike leave him 
behind when he could no 
longer resist the urge to move on?  Xander didn?t 
think he could face either 
possibility, so no matter how much he wanted to see 
those depthless blue 
eyes again, he couldn?t.  Waking Spike up would ruin 
everything, so he 
forced himself to close the door and walk away, walk 
out of the apartment 
and out onto the street.

He paused on the street corner, holding the envelope 
under one arm while he 
fed quarters into the pay phone that stood there.  He 
dialed the number he 
had gotten from Graham one night on patrol.  He felt 
his throat tighten as 
he listened to the phone ring, terrified that no one 
would pick up, 
terrified that some one would pick up.

After four rings, someone did pick up.  ?Hello??  
Riley.

Xander cleared his throat.  ?It?s Xander.?

?What do you want??  Riley?s tone immediately became 
cold.

?I need to meet with you.?

?Why?  Are there some head games you and your vampire 
forgot to play??

Xander closed his eyes.  ?Riley...?  Arguing wouldn?t 
do any good.  ?I need 
you to do something for me.  I know I shouldn?t ask, 
but there?s no one 
else.?

?What about Spike?  He seemed to be taking care of all 
your needs just 
fine.?

?Please.  There?s no one else.?

Riley sighed.  ?What do you want??

?Just meet me.  Now.?

?Where??

?In front of the Bronze.?  It was a pretty neutral 
location and it was on 
the way to his weapons cache.

?Fine.?  Riley hung up without saying anything more.

Xander exhaled shakily, then hung up the phone and 
headed for the Bronze.  
He glanced around the streets as he made his way 
there, remembering 
everything that he?d experienced in Sunnydale.  The 
ice cream shop he?d 
visited so often with Willow.  A music store he and 
Buffy had hung out in.  
The street corner where he?d almost died when set upon 
by vampires.  The 
alley shortcut that he always took after being left 
behind once again...he 
forced himself to concentrate on the present.  He had 
to get to the Bronze 
in time.  There was no way Riley was going to wait 
around for him.

He made it just in time; Riley was standing beside his 
SUV, looking ready to 
leave.  He didn?t move when Xander came into sight.  
He just continued to 
lean back against the vehicle, arms crossed over his 
chest.  He stared 
silently at Xander.

Xander walked up to him and held out the envelope.  
?I?ll keep this short.  
If you don?t hear from me in a few days, could you 
please give this to 
Giles??

Riley made no move to take the envelope.  ?Why can?t 
your pet vampire do it 
for you??

If this all went wrong, Spike wasn?t going to have any 
interest in doing 
Xander any favors.  If by some miracle things when 
right, he still didn?t 
want to chance Spike finding the envelope; it would 
send the vampire out 
looking for him and that was the last thing Xander 
wanted to happen.  Spike 
had to stay away from the woods until the demons were 
gone and he was no 
longer in danger.  ?Please, Riley.?

?Fine.?  Riley snatched the envelope, then opened up 
the door to his 
vehicle.

Guess the conversation was over.  As Xander watched 
Riley drive away, he 
realized how much he?d been hoping Graham would come.  
He?d dreaded seeing 
the blue-eyed man again, but it would have been nice 
to see him one last 
time.  Judging by how much it hurt inside that he 
wasn?t going to get that 
chance, he?d been more than half in love with Graham.

Xander shook himself and looked at his watch.  That 
didn?t matter now.  He 
didn?t have much time.  He still had to get to his 
weapons cache and out to 
the woods, and he had to do it all during daylight 
hours if he wanted to 
make sure that Spike didn?t have a chance to 
interfere.  Swallowing hard, he 
walked quickly northwards.

It was time to end this.

*****

Part 14/?

Graham scrubbed his towel over his head, ruffling his 
hair as he wiped away 
the water that clung to the strands after his shower.  
He hadn?t slept well. 
  Images of Xander had haunted him, keeping him awake 
as his mind had 
replayed the events of the past night again and again:  
Xander laughing up 
at him as they walked through the cemetery; Xander 
closing his eyes and 
leaning into Spike?s touch as the vampire stroked his 
skin with his tongue; 
Xander staring at him in misery and confusion.  He?d 
tossed and turned for 
most of the night and was now hoping that a shower 
would help to wake him 
up.

He walked into the living room and nodded at Riley, 
who was sitting on the 
couch.  ?Hey, Ri.?  He tossed the towel back over his 
shoulder and headed 
for the kitchen, wanting to grab something for 
breakfast.  He paused when 
Riley didn?t say anything in response and turned 
around.  ?Ri??

Riley looked up abruptly.  ?Graham.?

?Yeah, that would be me.?  Graham walked back into the 
living room, 
wondering what had Riley back down to the very basics 
of me, Riley, you, 
Graham.  An envelope lay on the end table, the name 
?Giles? written on it.  
?What?s that??

Riley rubbed his hand over his forehead.  ?While you 
were in the bathroom I 
got a phone call.  It was Xander.?

Graham froze.  ?What did he want??

?He said he needed a favor and asked me to meet him.  
He wouldn?t explain 
what was going on, so I decided to go.?

?Without telling me.?

?If it was going to be just another game, I didn?t 
want you to get 
involved.?  Riley shrugged apologetically.  ?I figured 
he?d be less able to 
fuck with my head.?

Fine.  Graham wasn?t sure that he wanted to see Xander 
again, anyway.  He 
didn?t know if he wanted to see how much it would hurt 
to look at Xander and 
know that everything that they?d shared together had 
been a lie.  ?So what?s 
with the envelope??

?Xander wants me to hold on to it for a few days.?  
Riley went back to 
staring at the envelope, which had been distracting 
him when Graham walked 
in.

Now Graham was distracted as well.  What was inside 
the envelope that was so 
important that Xander was willing to ask Riley for 
help?  He sat down beside 
Riley.  ?It?s not sealed.?

?I noticed that.?  Riley picked up the envelope.  ?I?m 
wondering if the 
contents could be a part of a larger security 
concern.?

?There?s only one way to find out.?

?Our names aren?t on it.?

?It?s not sealed.  Whose to know we took a peek??

Good point.  Graham took the envelope and emptied its 
contents out onto the 
coffee table.  The envelope was filled with smaller 
envelopes, also 
unsealed.  Names labeled the envelopes:  ?Buffy?, 
?Willow?, ?Dawn?, ?Tara?, 
?Mr. and Mrs. Harris?, ?Anya?, and a thicker one 
marked ?Giles? once more.  
Two folded sheets of paper caught his attention.  One 
was marked with 
Riley?s name, the other with his own.  Graham was 
reluctant to pick up the 
one designated for him.  Did he really want to know 
what Xander had to say?

Riley picked up his sheet of paper.  ?This has my name 
on it.  That makes it 
my business.?  He unfolded it and began to read, with 
Graham staring 
unabashedly over his shoulder.

//Riley-

I know you have no reason to want to hear anything 
from me, much less 
advice, but I have to say this.

You have to talk to Buffy.  You can?t leave things the 
way they are.  When 
you left, there were a hundred things going on that 
distracted both of you 
from the only thing that matters:  the way you feel 
about each other.  I 
know you love her - I saw it in everything you did for 
her, in the way you 
looked at her and talked about her.

You were wrong when you said that she didn?t love you.  
She didn?t want to 
lose you.  When she realized that you weren?t going to 
come back, that the 
fight was real and that it could be forever, something 
in her eyes died a 
little.  She ran across town and made it to the field 
in time to watch you 
leave.  She went really quiet after that.  You took an 
important part of her 
with you.

Forget the orders that you?re under.  Forget pride and 
hurt and 
distractions.  You love each other.  People go their 
whole lives without 
ever getting the chance to taste what you could have 
and keep forever.

Talk to her, man.  You?re never going to get a chance 
like this again.//

It wasn?t signed, but it sounded just like Xander.  
Riley put the letter 
down carefully, eyes still locked on the words 
scrawled across the page in 
obvious haste.  Graham stared at him.  ?Where did that 
come from??

?I talked to Xander a few times, back when things with 
Buffy first started 
to go wrong.  He was the one I could talk to then.  He 
probably knows more 
about what happened to Buffy and me than I do.?  Riley 
blinked and forced 
himself to look away from the words that so distracted 
him.  He nodded 
toward the sheet of paper waiting for Graham.  ?Aren?t 
you going to read 
it??

Graham reached out and picked up the letter.  ?What 
could he have left to 
say??  He opened up the letter, angling the page so 
that Riley could see it 
as well.

//Graham-

I don?t know if you?re even going to read this, but I 
need to say this, need 
to know that I tried to let you know.

Thank you.  I know that you hate the fact that you 
wasted so much time on 
me, but I still have to thank you for it.  You are an 
amazing guy and the 
fact that you took any kind of interest in me...thank 
you.  Someday you?re 
going to find the person who can love you like you 
deserve, and he?s is 
going to be the luckiest man on the planet.

Thank you.  You showed me something I thought I?d 
never have a chance to 
ever experience and no matter how it turned out, I 
can?t regret it.//

Graham frowned down at the letter.  It didn?t sound 
right.  It wasn?t an 
apology and it wasn?t an angry rebuttal continuing the 
argument from the 
other day.  ?It?s a good-bye.?  He dropped the letter 
and grabbed the 
envelope marked for Giles.

?What are you doing?? Riley asked.

?This letter was a good-bye.  So was yours.  Why is he 
writing good-bye 
letters??  He opened the letter to Giles, the fear 
inside him growing.

//Giles-

I?m sorry to be telling you the news like this, but 
there really isn?t a 
better way to do it.  If you?re reading this, then I?m 
dead.  I?m telling 
you because I need you to be the one to hold the 
others together.  Buffy and 
Willow are both going to blame themselves and you?re 
the only one who is 
going to be able to make sure they don?t.

This isn?t anyone?s fault but my own.  I walked into 
the situation with my 
eyes open, knowing what could happen.

I know you?re going to be upset, but I need you to do 
a few things for me.  
Could you please give these envelopes to the people 
they?re for?  I?ve also 
included my will in this letter to you.  I don?t have 
much, but I do know 
where I?d like it to go.

The second favor is going to be harder to do, I think.  
I need you and Buffy 
to watch out for Spike for me.  He is the reason that 
I actually made it 
this far, lasted this long.  He had my back, risked 
his life for me over and 
over and kept me alive.  You?re going to laugh, but he 
turned out to be a 
friend and I don?t want anything to happen to him.

The only other thing I have to tell you is thank you.  
Not for pulling the 
answer to stopping the apocalypse out of the book no 
one else knew existed, 
although that was always pretty cool.  I want to thank 
you for showing me 
what a father, what a man is supposed to be like.  
You?ve been my guide for 
both and I?m sorry that I waited this long to tell 
you.  And I guess I won?t 
curl up and die of manly embarrassment if I write this 
down - I love you.

Thank you, G-man.

Sorry.  I just had to get that in one last time!//

Graham dropped the letter.  ?He?s going to get himself 
killed.?  He stood up 
and walked back to the bedroom, pulling on boots and 
gearing up.

Riley followed him.  ?And he was going to let me be 
the bearer of bad news 
to Giles?  Great.?  He grabbed boots and gear as well.  
?Where do you think 
he is??

?I know who we should ask.?  Graham felt the need to 
move jittering through 
him, making him anxious to be moving.  He didn?t know 
what Xander had gotten 
himself into or if it might already be too late.

?Not Spike.?  Riley?s voice was firm as he moved 
toward the door.

?No.?  Graham led the way to the car, opening up the 
driver?s side door and 
sliding in.  If Xander was going to get into something 
that he was pretty 
sure was going to kill him, then there was no way 
Spike was involved.  
Graham had witnessed how protective the vampire was of 
Xander; Spike would 
keep Xander alive at all costs.  Xander must have shut 
Spike out and left 
him behind.

Graham drove to the cemetery with controlled haste.  
Riley figured out what 
he was thinking and was at his side the whole way to 
the crypt where they?d 
seen Xander those weeks back, emerging from the 
shadows shaking and pale.  
This was where Xander got his information.  This was 
where they?d find out 
where he?d gone.  ?We?re going to go in fast and hard, 
get what we need and 
get out.?

Riley nodded.  ?Let?s go.?

Graham turned to move toward the crypt, but before he 
could even take a step 
forward, he was knocked aside.  As he tried to catch 
himself, he caught 
sight of a figure enveloped in a dark cloak and heard 
a stream of curses as 
the figure blew past him.  Spike.  Graham followed the 
snarling vampire into 
the crypt, Riley following close behind.

Spike threw off the protective covering he?d worn to 
ward off the sun and 
lunged across the crypt, grabbing the blue demon 
within around the throat.  
?What the hell did you do to him?  Where is he??  He 
punctuated his demands 
by slamming the demon?s head against the wall of the 
crypt.

Graham hurried forward and grabbed one of Spike?s 
arms.  ?Riley!  He?ll kill 
him!?  With Riley?s help, he was able to drag the 
enraged vampire away from 
the demon.  If Spike killed it, they?d never know what 
Xander was planning.  
They?d have no chance of saving him.

Spike struggled and swore, but Graham and Riley 
managed to hold him.  The 
blue demon slumped against the wall of the crypt, 
staring at Spike with 
alarm.  ?Hey!? Graham called, getting the creature?s 
attention.  ?We?re not 
going to be able to hold him forever.  Tell us what we 
want to know, or we 
let him go.?  He kept his voice level, not allowing 
the fear and urgency 
that filled him to show in away.  ?Tell us where 
Xander is.?

*****