Title: Possession
Author: nina (lilac_1one@hotmail.com)
Rating: R, for implied sex
Pairing: Xander/Graham
Spoilers: None, really. Takes place post-season 4, but is kind of an alt universe.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Joss the genius owns it all. I am merely playing with his creations.
Feedback: Do I really need to say it?
Note 1: While in no way a sequel to Maybe He's Canadian by Otsoko, I am totally dependent on the history he's created for these 2 characters. It's all his fault I can believe in, and love, this pairing.
Note 2: I am a relatively inexperienced fic writer, however, this one popped in my head today, and the only way to exorcise it was to set it on paper. The song is Sarah McLachlan's Possession, lyrics denoted by //. I guess I've been kind of fixated on Bailey Chase since he was on JAG last night, although when I see him, I only see Graham Miller. Sorry, Bailey. Dedication: To Otso, the amazing beta man. If this is any good, it's because of his input.

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It was 2 a.m., yet sleep eluded him. Ever since he and Xander had hooked up, occasionally, even after going at it for hours like tonight, he was too revved up to nod off afterwards. *High on love* he thought, then grimaced at the triteness of it.

Graham prowled around the unfamiliar bedroom in the soft glow of the small bedside lamp, picking up, idly examining and then replacing the various objects scattered around the room. He settled on the CD collection and absentmindedly began to go through it.

"Nosy, much?" Xander teased softly from where he was sprawled on the bed, his voice muffled by sleep and the tangle of sheets and blankets in which he was buried.

Graham started as the question broke the silence. "I thought you were asleep, and I was bored. Besides, when Willow and Tara asked us to pet sit while they were gone, they had to know we were going to look at stuff they left out," Graham justified himself, a bit sheepish at being busted by his lover.

"Okay, big guy. Whatever you say," Xander didn't try to keep the amusement out of his voice before he flipped onto his side and seemed to fall asleep again.

Graham's gaze lingered hungrily on the curve of the muscles in Xander's back for a moment, but too worn out to act on the lustful image he had conjured in his head, he returned his attention to the CDs in front of him. Finally choosing one he hoped would lull him to sleep, he put it in the CD player with the volume set low, climbed back in bed and after turning off the light, wrapped his arms around Xander. Graham could tell his lover was still barely awake, but he really was sated from their earlier adventures, and just wanted to savor the closeness between them.

He closed his eyes and let the music drift over him.

// Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time.//

Xander was hardly aware of the lyrics as they washed over him, but they stirred something in him. He hadn't listened to "Fumbling Toward Ecstasy" in a long time, probably not since junior high?with Jesse.

Jesse.

In his mind's eye, a montage of images, all of them starring Jesse, flashed by in a heartbeat: playing with Willow and her Barbies when they were 5, the boys bickering over who got to be Ken and who had to be Skipper; an evening game of Sardines in a Can the summer after 6th grade, squashed next to Jesse under the bushes waiting to be found, scared at the feelings Jesse's proximity stirred in him; playing basketball in Jesse's driveway sometime in junior high, aware that his own appreciation for Jesse's form probably wasn't what most guys felt for their male friends; sticking together in gym class their freshman year; an illicit kiss in Xander's basement, soft, fumbling and perfect; hanging out at the Bronze right before sophomore year; Jesse, morphing into vamp face as he attacked Xander and Buffy; Jesse's face, a look of horror, shock and disbelief coloring his features as the stake in his heart registered, milliseconds before there was only dust where his best friend, and if Xander was honest with himself, his first love, had been standing.

Graham could feel Xander tense in his arms. They had been together long enough that Graham knew he would share the problem if and when he was ready. He tightened his embrace slightly, and nuzzled the nape of Xander's neck, wordlessly reminding his boyfriend that he was there to support him.

//The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied.//

Graham silently thanked whoever, whatever, it was that had brought him together with Xand. His life had been pretty barren, socially, once he joined the military. The whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy tended to preclude any kind of meaningful relationship. Graham was very aware of that when he was contemplating enlisting, and had made his decision to sign on with full knowledge of what he would be sacrificing. After he was assigned to the Initiative, between doing the student thing during the day and the commando gig at night, he'd hardly had time to care about his solitude. In fact, after learning the truth about things that go bump in the night, he was almost glad he had no romantic entanglements to distract him, no lover whose safety he would worry about every night. Still, after a particularly tough capture, a small piece of him would long to have the comfort of a warm body to go home to. Thankfully, all that had changed when the brown-eyed man in his arms entered his life.

He was lucky in a roundabout way, he guessed, that Xander knew the truth, too. Although he couldn't shield his lover from the knowledge of Sunnydale's diverse evil, it did mean one less secret, even if it came with the added burden of concern for each other on patrol, and one more shared interest, if you could call it that. Obligation, maybe, was more accurate. When he considered it, perhaps they were both better, more diligent fighters because of their relationship. Pity the demon who tried to hurt one, because the protective rage of the other would surely be the death of it.

//And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear.//

When Graham reflected on all the obstacles he and Xander had had to overcome, not the least of which was Xander's repression of his attraction to men, it seemed no small miracle that they were together.

Graham's mind drifted over their shared past: Graham's gratitude toward all the Scoobies for defeating Adam and rescuing those who could be saved from the Initiative massacre; the slow friendship that developed between the two men; Graham choosing to come out to Xander and not to anyone else; Xander finally telling Graham about Jesse; the first tentative time they became lovers; sneaking around for weeks to be together because they were hiding the truth from their friends; the struggle to recognize the emotional aspect of their relationship and how scary it was for each when they realized what they shared went way beyond the physical. Graham couldn't help grinning into Xander's neck when he thought about the physical. He'd had more experienced lovers, but he was lost from the first kiss with Xander. Even months later, the thought of it still gave him the chills. He still couldn't suppress the shiver that accompanied the memory. Xander felt it, burrowed more securely into Graham, and began to relax.

//Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved.//

Xander contemplated the man who made him feel secure in a way he had been longing for his entire life. After the Jesse debacle, Xander had vowed to never open himself up again to that kind of pain and possibility of betrayal. He'd stuffed down and sealed off his feelings. He talked himself into crushing on Buffy, then Cordy and Willow, and finally Anya, but none of those relationships worked out. Still, he'd been getting along just fine.

//Oh you speak to me in riddles and
you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath,
your words keep me alive.//

Until he met Graham. Graham had inadvertently made him face himself, and brick by brick, just by being there, Graham dissolved the wall Xander had erected, allowing him to grieve for Jesse and what they'd shared, and just as importantly, to accept himself. All of him. Graham had given Xander the strength to define himself, and in doing so, became an inextricable part of him.

//Into this night I wander, it's morning that I dread, Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread.//

Graham found himself thinking of the next milestone in their relationship, coming clean with their friends. It had been so hard to keep their secret, but neither was ready to deal with the repercussions. Finally, the strain of hiding and lying had almost broken them apart. Once they acknowledged that, they knew they had no choice. The risk of alienating their friends was less hazardous than continuing down the path they were on.

Riley had completely freaked, Buffy less so, while Giles, Willow and Tara seemed barely phased. Graham had been afraid that it had irreparably damaged his friendship with Riley, and it had certainly shaken the foundation of the friendship that had been slowly growing between Riley and Xander.

When he thought about it, he was still surprised Riley had eventually come around. Although he wasn't sure what had happened to change his attitude, it had come close on the heels of Graham and Xander dealing out some major whuppass one night on patrol on a group of vampires, one of whom had made some snide comment in earshot of Riley about Xander and Graham holding hands. Graham wasn't certain, but he thought he had seen Riley bristle at the remark. Considering the ambidextrous nature of most vamps, however, both he and Xander had had to fight to keep from doubling over with laughter. As it was, he was shaking enough to miss one of the vamp's heart, and Riley was the one who dusted him before he could inflict any damage on Graham.

//Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied.//

Xander rolled over to face Graham, who examined his lover's expression in the moonlight. He seemed okay, but there was a small furrow in his forehead. "Are you okay, Xander?"

Xander nodded and pulled Graham into a tight hug. After a minute he spoke, his voice only just audible. "I haven't listened to this CD in ages, since junior high, maybe. For some reason, it reminded me of Jesse." The pain underlying his words was barely perceptible.

"Oh, Xander. I'm so sorry. Do you want me to turn it off?" The concern in his question was clear.

"Nope. I'm fine, actually, now."

Xander pulled out of the embrace and for a long moment just studied the planes of his boyfriend's face. Then he whispered "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For this. For us. For the gift of you?Okay, now. That was cheesy."

"Xander, you know firsthand I have a high cheese tolerance." To prove his point, he began to sing along, gazing straight in his lover's eyes.

"And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear..."

"I said, close your eyes," he commanded.

Xander complied, and Graham rewarded him with a searing kiss.

When they came up for air, Graham chuckled, "Did I take your breath away?"

Xander grinned back, "Do you even need to ask? But next time you choose to act out a song, you might want to pick a different one. This one is kind of scary."

Graham quirked an eyebrow.

"Babe, this song is about a stalker. You know, a guy who obsesses over someone and wants to *possess* them."

Graham buried his head into Xander's neck, pressing his body against his lover's as tightly as he could.

"Yeah." Xander could hear Graham's embarrassed grin despite the low, almost growl, of his voice, "I know."

FIN



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