OK, Miller, Graham said to himself, just what are you doing?. What makes you think this guy is even interested. Graham had to admit that when he came out to Xander, he was hoping that Xander was going to return the favor, and come out to him as well. Well, THAT didn't happen. Although, Xander seemed pretty cool about it. Cooler than he would have expected from a straight guy, but Graham didn't exactly have experience actually coming out to people. At least he hadn't run screaming from the bar. Or tried to punch Graham out, like a lot of Initiative guys might have done. That was a good sign.
But Xander definitely lived in a different world than the football jock and macho military worlds he came from. Jesus!, The guy had a lesbian best friend! ? and Buffy used to have a vampire boyfriend (at least that's what Riley had told him), and it turned out that Xander had been instrumental in helping that football player come out. Graham had to admit, that last bit gave him hope -- even if that hope was damn faint.
The worlds he *came* from. Not 'comes from'. Those worlds were in the past now. Now, he was out of the military, out of the Initiative, and after tonight, just plain out.
Graham Miller, out gay guy. Graham had to smile. That was never an identity he thought he would take on. OK, so he was really only out to one guy. One really cute guy. And, so far as Graham could tell, a pretty nice guy. A nice guy, now *that* would be a change.
In his furtive sex-in-the-alley days (OK, those days had ended only a couple of weeks ago), Graham had always gone for the tough guys. The guys who would shove him to his knees and made him suck as they verbally abused him, and sometimes did more than verbally abuse him. And they wanted him. He could see it in their eyes. Especially when he pulled his shirt off. He had the body they wanted. But Graham was tired of it. OK, not the sex part. That was hot. Real hot. It was the after part. When the guy just zipped up and walked away, maybe pausing long enough to spit on him or hurl one more insult at him, but usually leaving Graham with a serious chub, kneeling on the ground, or lying on his back. Leaving him to bring himself off by himself.
Sure, Graham had been on the other side more than once. Letting some eager guy go crazy over his body, sucking him off, while Graham played Mr. Joe stud jock, you can touch me but I ain't touchin you, faggot. That could be hot, too. But the after part could be just as much of a downer. Often as not, if he tried to reciprocate, it would wreck his partner's rough trade fantasy, and the guy would stalk off, pissed off. Occasionally, they'd get into it. And that would be nice. But Graham had enough trouble getting a whole sentence out, which made conversation and small talk difficult. So he basically never tried, and consequently, never really got to know the guy. Besides, it wasn't like he could bring the guy back to the barracks or later to Lowell House, home to the Initiative, or even be seen having a cup of coffee with him.
And that, more than anything else, was what Graham wanted. Some guy he could talk to. Who made him laugh. Who liked him -- yeah and thought he was hot -- and who he could go to bed with, and wake up with. Graham had always thought that that would be a nice feeling. It wouldn't hurt if the guy was cute, with a nice swimmer's build, eyes you could drown in, eyes that told you that he would never hurt you. Graham stopped. Shit! I am seriously falling for this guy!
Graham thought back to the times he had run into Xander before: At the Lowell house party when he was just the cute guy who had dashed in and swept Buffy away from Riley. He remembered thinking that Xander could definitely give Riley some competition, depending on whether Buffy went for big jock macho guy, or hot cute soulful guy.
Graham later saw Xander was in the initiative. Xander and Buffy were -- as it turned out -- helping Riley. It was a crazy time. The professor had just been killed. Graham and Forrest had burst into the lab, and the first thing Graham had seen was Riley lying there, seriously wounded. Okay, not true. The first thing he had seen was this cute guy in uniform lying against the wall, telling him where the demon had escaped to. Graham remembered thinking 'I don't remember ever seeing *him* here before', and Graham definitely would have remembered that guy. It wasn't until Xander got up & got Buffy away from Riley? and a trigger-happy Forrest? that it dawned on Graham who the cute soldier was: the same guy who had snagged Buffy from Riley at the party. Graham was in a state of high confusion: the professor dead, Riley wounded, Forrest going ape-shit, Buffy talking about a half-man half-demon. Nothing made sense just then.
But that image of Xander in uniform was burned into his mind's eye.
But the kicker was the night of the party at Lowell House when everything went nuts. All Graham remembered was standing around having a beer, and then catching sight of Xander Harris, doing the party prowl, beer in hand, looking awfully good in this black leather vest. There was some heavy magick going on that night, and when Graham took another look at him, he knew that he wanted him. Every fiber in his body wanted him. Wanted to get his hands, and mouth, on the guy's thing, suck the guy until he had driven him into a state of complete ecstasy. He just stared at Xander, not able to move, his mind completely taken over with thoughts of touching Xander's thing.
Then, like a searing bolt of lightning burning into his brain came this accusing voice, "touch not the impure thing". And Graham had shut down, completely panicked, overcome by an overwhelming, supernatural sense of guilt. He couldn't remember anything else. All he knew is what Forrest had told him later after he had recovered down below in the Initiative. That he had come over all catatonic, guilt-ridden and bible-thumping, meanwhile Xander and his pal went out and saved Riley's life. And Graham could never tell his initiative buddies just what had triggered those guilt feelings. Or about why he had so much trouble falling asleep most nights.
Xander's heroics were definitely part of the attraction, too. Xander breaking into the initiative to help Riley, braving the ghosts to save Riley and Buffy, and attacking and defeating (with his buds) the killer demon the professor had created. Graham had always thought of himself as action guy (at his best moments anyway): he had the skills, he had the training, he had the weapons. This Xander just jumped in and did the job. You had to admire that. Really admire that.
And that dream! What the fuck was that all about? Graham had dreamed of Xander the night after the big battle with Adam. Weirdest dream he had ever had? What did Xander say? "Conformador", "Confrontador"? Something like that. That Spanish must be some sort of weird flashback to that mission in Colombia, before he 'volunteered' for the Initiative.
As he reached his room, He took off his clothes and lay face up in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He reached over and put on the cd-clock radio. The unbelievably sweet, unbelievably sad voice of Patsy Cline came from the CD. Graham, who had played that same CD hundreds of times -- to Riley and Forrest's unrelenting kidding -- softly sang along to the old country lament:
well, I never knew
I could want you oh so much
now that you're gone
I dream of you and your sweet touch
I've been so wrong
for so long
but I've seen the light
I'll make it right
I was wrong.
With a violent move, he reached over and shut off the player. Graham made a decision. He was gonna let him know how he felt. He was gonna give him a chance to say yes or no. If he said no, Graham would be no worse off. And if he said 'yes'? He grinned. Graham thought about him. He thought about that night of the sexual craziness at the Lowell House party and how turned on he had been that night. And then, as a mental image of Xander in uniform popped up, so did something else. Graham took the situation firmly in hand.
And for the first time in years, Graham fantasized not about doing it with some tough guy who would do rough trade with him, but about making love with a really cute guy with a great sense of humor who he actually liked, and admired.
A few minutes later, a slightly wet Graham drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face for the first time in years.
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Authors extra:
Fun with Spanish. because the textbooks never give you the phrases you really need.
Buffy es la cazavampiros. Buffy is the vampire slayer.
Buffy y Riley se han jodido toda la noche de la fiesta de la casa Lowell. Buffy and Riley fucked the whole night of the Lowell House party.
Cochino gringuito, ¿que puñetes haces en mi pais? American pig, what the fuck are you doing in my country?
Si quieres mi pinga, tendrias que pedirmela como un buen soldadito. If you want my cock, you'll have to ask me for it like a good little soldier.
[hmm, might there be a hint to Graham's past in this Spanish lesson?]
*****