********************************

Graham quietly moved out of the lecture room. He'd
been distracted
the entire day and was unsure why he'd stayed, instead
of just going
home. Knew the reason he didn't just leave was because
when he went
home he knew Xander wouldn't be there.

//I fucked up bad//.

After Xander had driven off, Graham had initially been
reluctant to
suffer through the "attention" of Spike. He'd been
glad he had
though, the Vampire's insight into what had happened
had helped.

At first he'd assumed the blonde was just there to
wreak more havoc,
but he seemed almost contrite. So he should really,
he'd been the
cause of most of their problems.

At first Graham had assumed the change in Xander's
attitude last
night was due to him not being ready to tell his other
friends. He
hadn't realised that Xander was jealous. Silently
berated himself,
for the millionth time. He had to admit that he had
been attracted to
Angel, had probably shown a little too much interest.

Who was he fooling, he'd pretty much been flirting
like a schoolgirl,
giggling, eye contact, then eyes downcast, surprised
he hadn't done a
little hair toss.

Graham shook his head. //Fucking Idiot//.

He'd always prided himself on being intuitive, should
have known from
the way his lover spoke about Angel, that he'd had
feelings for him.
Possibly still did. Can see quite clearly why Xander
freaked like he
did.

Graham had forced him to sit and watch whilst his
first gay lover had
flirted with his first gay love. He knew the others
wouldn't have
noticed. Knew, in retrospect Xander would, since
Graham noticed
everything that he did, assumed it worked both ways,
and like Angel
had said, the two Vampires would have noticed as well.

//Oh God that means Angel he'd pretty much been
flirting as well! So
fucking stupid//.

Graham actually stopped walking when he realised this,
the inert
figure of the man almost causing a pile up in the
already crowded
hallway.

//Great just what I need, more dirty looks.
Unbelievably fucking
stupid.//

Graham had called Xander's apartment as soon as he got
home, not
surprised when his call went straight to the machine,
thought to
himself that's what he'd do if the situation was
reversed. Had tried
to apologise. Told Xander he was sorry, that he still
loved him, that
he wanted this to be over cause he didn't like the way
he felt, that
he needed to know Xander was alright cause at the
moment he hated
himself so much for what he'd put him through, told
him that he
wanted to keep calling every 5 minutes till he could
speak to him
again and that he just wanted to make everything right
again, told
him that he wanted Xander to hold him cause he didn't
think he could
handle being apart from him any longer, told him that
he wanted
Xander to call him when he was ready, told him that
he'd wait for him
and promised him that he wouldn't keep calling him
cause he knew
Xander needed time, Told him he loved him so much.

Then he'd hung up, knew he'd probably sounded scary on
the phone, was
worried that he might break down. Then he had.

So Graham had resisted the impulse to call Xander
back, hoped to
himself that he'd call. Knew Xander needed time,
wanted so much to be
able to apologise to him. Had to stop himself calling
when he
actually had the phone in his hand this morning,
number half dialled.
Reminded himself that he'd fucked up and if he wanted
this to work
out he needed to just give his lover some space.

So he'd attempted to carry on like normal. Spend the
day in class,
hook up with Riley for lunch. He'd told him he was
just feeling a
little tired that's all, tried distracting him by
asking about Buffy,
worked for a few minutes but Riley soon suggested
maybe Graham should
just go back home and get some sleep.

Graham knew that wasn't going to happen, he'd spent
the entire time
last night tossing and turning in bed, mind unable to
shutdown. Still
thinking about what he'd done.

Riley even asked him about Angel. He mumbled something
back
noncommittally. Didn't think Riley needed to know the
truth.

After lunch, back to class, pen and paper ready. Paper
still blank at
the end of the day.

Graham moved in through the door to the dorm. Waved a
greeting at his
friends, attempted a smile, decided to go up to his
room. Hoping
beyond hope that he'd called.

Slowly moved into his room, not looking at his
machine. Worried that
if he did, he'd see that he hadn't phoned. Now
seriously worried
about the way Xander effected him. Took a few
steadying breaths and
decided that he should just get it over with.

Message light flashing, Graham, now holding his
breath, quickly moved
to play through his messages, just the one.

Starts, can hear noise in the background. Sounds like
a public phone
or a mobile. Still no voice.

//Please don't hang up???//

Slowly at first can hear the man over the noise.

`It's me. I ?' Graham can hear him sighing, `I haven't
been home ?.'
another pause. `ended up sitting on Willow's doorstep
till she turned
up. Look, this is hard for me to say, so I'm just
gonna say it.'

Graham now even more worried, dropped his bag on the
floor as he sat
down against his bed, listening. Another pause in the
message.
Tension almost too much for him.

`? I called now cause I knew you would be in class.
Chickened out I
guess. Just ask anyone, I'm a big fat coward.'

Graham's breathing became stilted. He couldn't believe
he was being
dumped by this man over the phone, a message even.

`So, I wanted to say this. Graham, I'm so sorry. I
can't believe what
a fucking idiot I've been. I'm so stupid and I feel so
bad about how
I reacted. You didn't do anything wrong and I should
never have
yelled at you. It's just, it's complicated and I know
you didn't mean
anything, it's just Spike, fucking asshole. I don't
want to scare you
off, it's just when I saw you and Angel. I'm just so
sorry.'

Graham couldn't believe what he was hearing. First
thoughts of
elation now replaced with hurt as he heard the emotion
in Xander's
voice. Didn't like the way he sounded, just wanted to
make him
better. Hold him, show him that he hadn't done
anything wrong that it
was all Graham's fault.

`If you still, if you ? I, I'm going to be at work
tonight. I start
at 7 till about 3. I, I really want to see you, I mean
if you want
to. I want to tell you how much I'm sorry.' Graham
could hear his
lover's voice breaking, that knowledge causing Graham
similar pain.

`Yeah, so between 7 and 3 come by, or call me, or ? I
don't know.'
Voice trailing off. `I have to go, there's some scary
lady behind me
that wants to use the phone, she keeps poking me with
her umbrella
and at the moment I don't think I could take her if
she gets
violent.'

`So Bye ? I'll see you ??? And ? I love you.' Soft
click as the phone
was hung up.

Graham rolled back onto his bed. He wasn't sure how he
should feel.
He was relieved and excited to hear that his lover was
okay, but felt
heartbroken knowing he was in pain like that. Couldn't
decide, his
insides just felt all jumbled up, too much emotion.

Knew he was happy though. Wanted to show Xander how
happy he was.
Looked over at his clock. Great just after 6.30.
Xander would be on
his way to work, not there yet. Meeting up with Xander
at his work
wasn't really how the ex-marine had planned to show
him how he felt,
but knew it would be better than nothing.

Tried calling him, machine again. Couldn't decide if
he should leave
a message or try and call Willow. Ended up speaking to
his machine,
hadn't hung up yet.

`It's me, you're not home. Shit if you haven't checked
your messages
don't, I left one last night, I think I'd better talk
to you first,
so don't listen to it. Oh for fucks sake, real fucking
genius Graham.
I'm now leaving you a message after the first one
telling you not to
listen to it, shit. Please call me if you get this
before work. I'm
gonna come and see you, try and convince you to go on
a break so I
can apologise to you. I'm so sorry about ? everything,
fuck, I love
you Xander. I'll see you soon.'

He hung up, wondering to himself which message was
worse, decided he
had to find Xander before he listened to either,
destroy the tape if
possible.

Graham quickly got changed, knew Xander would be at
work soon. Hoped
desperately he hadn't been home or even checked his
messages
remotely.

************************************

Xander was relieved he wasn't late. He'd spent all
morning talking to
Willow, the witch had even blown off her morning
classes in a vain
attempt to try and cheer her friend up.

She wouldn't listen to him of course, he kept telling
her that all he
needed was to see Graham, tell him he was sorry and
make sure
everything was okay. Beg for forgiveness.

She ignored him, kept talking about friends needing
friends as she
tried to keep him occupied. Had made him go to the
mall, had even
bought him an ice cream. That actually got a laugh out
of him, he'd
said he wasn't eight years old anymore and ice cream
didn't make his
pain go away. He'd still eaten it of course.

She'd just held him and told him that only time would
do that. She
had helped. Convinced Xander that maybe he was blowing
this all out
of proportion. Reminded him how much Graham loved him
when he told
her what he said to him. It helped make him feel a
little better at
least.

Once she'd finally gone back to class he'd spent the
rest of the day
just wandering, sitting alone at the mall. Earning
himself dirty
looks from shop owners as he wandered around, face
vacant, in a
trance.

He'd finally plucked up the courage to call him, was
pretty sure he'd
be out anyway, so he felt better knowing he only had
to speak to his
machine.

Left Graham a message, avoiding personal injury from
the woman
queuing behind him. Couldn't really blame her, he had
picked up the
phone and replaced the receiver about five times
before he finally
dialled. Had left a message, a little uncomfortable
knowing the woman
behind him could hear.

Tried to convey how he was feeling, how sorry he was.
Wandered around
the rest of the day before he realised he'd need to
get home, get
changed before he started work. Wanted to call in
sick, knew he
couldn't because there was the faint chance that if
Graham forgave
him he'd be there. Also knew he'd probably get the
sack if he didn't
show.

The only thing keeping him going was the faint glimmer
of hope. Hope
that Graham would forgive him and that they could go
back to the way
it had been. Simply pretend last night hadn't existed.

He couldn't believe how juvenile he'd been. Kept
thinking of ways he
could get back at Spike for how he'd made Xander act.
Hoping he'd be
able to make it up to Graham.

Xander arrived at work just in time, boss looking at
his watch.
Xander gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile.
He quickly
moved behind the bar. Luckily the place wasn't so busy
and his boss
would be finishing up for the night soon, so it didn't
seem so bad.

Of course Xander was having trouble concentrating,
completely fucking
up order after order while he tried to survey the
crowd, hoping to
see Graham amongst them.

Knew he had to concentrate or he would be losing his
job as well as
his man, when he actually poured a rum and coke, which
contained no
rum and no coke. Couldn't actually remember what he'd
poured into the
glass. He'd been distracted by a guy at the other end
of the bar. A
guy that on closer inspection looked nothing like his
lover. //So not
in the same league dude, sorry `bout that.//

Took a few deep breaths, and wondered to himself how
long before his
next break. Xander kept his eyes closed, hoping
desperately to regain
his focus. The bar was a bit busier now. He and the
two other
bartenders were quite busy. //At least if it's busy
the time'll go
quickly.//

Xander opened his eyes again, mind more focused on
what he was doing.
Xander opened his eyes and he was there. Standing in
front of him,
just on the other side of the bar, there. Graham.

Xander didn't know what to do, mouth half open, mind
frozen. He was
relieved to see Graham smile. Couldn't resist smiling
back in
response. Undid the apron he was wearing, still
smiling threw it at
one of his co-workers.

`Think I'll take my break now.' Ignored the groans of
protestation,
and moved out from behind the bar, pleased Graham was
still
smiling. `We can go out back?'

Graham nodded still smiling.

Xander pointed towards a door marked Private, and led
the way towards
it. Led Graham into the small room out back where they
kept the
stock. Started to speak, his words overlapping with
his lovers. Both
men laughed.

*****************************************

`I'm sorry Xan,' serious now, as he tried to cut the
other man off as
he began to apologise. The ex-marine could see he was
confused. `Please, I need to say this.' Relieved to
see Xander nod
his head and keep silent.

`I've acted like a jerk. I shouldn't have done those
things last
night. I didn't want to hurt your feelings and I was
just being a big
dumb jock.' Graham reached out and took both of his
lover's hands in
his. `I wanna make it up to you.' Looked him in the
eyes, smile
breaking out again on his face.

`I'm not big on words Xan so I was hoping that you'd
let me show
you?' A wicked smile now graced his lover's face.
Xander wrapped his
arms around Graham and the two held each other
fiercely. Both men
pressed tight, arms encircling each other.

`Jeez Gray, why are you apologising? I'm the jerk.'
Silenced once
again as his lover began kissing him.

`Uh no, see the jerk, that would be me.' Graham rested
his forehead
against the other man's, refocusing his eyes so he
could still look
at him. Feeling cross eyed and realising he probably
looked stupid
doing it. Began laughing again.

`Tell you what,' the dark-haired man began, `let's
make a deal, we've
both been jerks.' Graham nodded, still smiling. `So
why don't we just
keep this rather pitiful example of miscommunication
our little
secret, `kay?'

`So you forgive me then?' Graham pulled his lover
closer, moving his
weight upwards, supporting him flush against his hip
bone.

`Where did I lose you? All brawn no brains huh?'
Xander mocked him,
grin on his face so Graham knew he was joking.
`There's nothing to
forgive, `cause nothing happened. Okay?'

`Sounds good to me.'

Graham quickly moved in, kissing the other man hard.
He allowed his
lover entrance into his mouth as he began sliding his
tongue against
Xander's. They continued kissing passionately as
Graham began to
grind himself against the body he held close.

Graham broke the kiss desperate for air. `Can't, not
here.' He could
see Xander's eyes darting around the room. He felt
flattered the
other man was considering jeopardising his job for
him. `Need to
wait, you finish at three?' Desperation in his voice
as Graham knew
it was barely eight.

Xander just nodded, face flushed, eyes dilated. Graham
could see his
tongue sneak out of his mouth, sliding against his
lips. That sight
alone almost making Graham reconsider his decision to
wait.

`Three?' Graham laughed at Xander's desperation,
flattered as he
could see the turmoil the wait was causing him.

The dark-haired man kissed him softly on the lips,
breaking the
contact, attempting to straighten the clothes he was
wearing.

`Don't think I can wait.'

`I know baby but you need to get back to your job.'
Pleased to see
Xander nod in response. `I should go, if I stay, well
if I stay
they'll need to start charging at the door for the
floorshow.' He
started to move away, aching to just take hold of
Xander and not let
go.

Hears Xander, apprehension in his voice, `Yeah. I
wanna give you
something.' Can see Xander roll his eyes at him, knows
he recognises
the look now on the ex-marine's face. `Not that, well
yeah I really
wanna give you that, but I was meaning something else,
you know as
well, but three remember? So here I was gonna do this
last night, you
know the night that dare not speak it's name, but,
well I got
distracted so here, now I want you to have this.
Xander finished
quickly.

It took Graham a moment to catch up, he'd seen his
lover fishing in
his pocket and he now looked at what he was holding
out in his palm
before him.

A key.

//Xander's key. A key to ?//

`It's to my apartment, I want, I want you to have
one.' Graham
reached out slowly, mouth open in shock.

//Xander's giving me a key to his apartment.//

Graham grabbed Xander in a hug, lifting him off the
ground, holding
his body against him. They resumed kissing, this time
with more
passion. Graham thrusting his tongue into the hot
warmth of his
lover's mouth.

Graham gently tried to move back, Xander reluctant to
let go, their
lower bodies still pressed together. `Baby?'

Xander smiled and nodded, broke the embrace and held
the key out to
his lover.

Graham took it gingerly in his hand. `Okay, definitely
liking this.
I'm going to go to your apartment, with my key,' he
held it before
him, illustrating the point. `and I'm going to wait
for you, and when
you get home we are going to have the most
mind-blowingly good sex of
your life, that sir I can guarantee.'

`Wow.' The look on his lover's face driving Graham
wild. `Remind me
to go get some more keys cut tomorrow, now I know they
get this sort
of reaction, you'll be getting a new one each day.'
The two men
unable to control themselves, degenerated into fits of
laughter.

Graham gently reached out and grabbed Xander's hand.
He softly
squeezed it. `I love you Xan.'

`Yeah? Love you too.'

tbc