********************************

A knock at the door woke Xander out of his half sleep. He checked the
time. Just before 7.30. Wondered if it was Graham, back
already. //Maybe he's decided to spend the day at home with me
instead?//

Realised that as much as he wanted that to happen, it wouldn't be
true and his boyfriend had his own key anyway.

//My boyfriend! Own Key!//

Xander quickly pulled on some shorts, smiled to himself as he went to
the front door. If anything growing up in Sunnydale had taught him it
was to check who was there before knocking. Xander looked through the
spyhole, could see Buffy standing close to the door outside, smiled
to himself when he thought how funny people looked magnified at such
a close distance.

Got a fright when she knocked again, hard.

`Woah, Buff, just a sec.' He removed the deadlock and opened the door
to his friend. //Strange to see her up at this hour.// That's when he
remembered.

`Oh shit.' Thought to himself it's no wonder she looks pissed. He
gestured for her to come in. `Oh shit, last night I was gonna patrol
with you after work. I'm sorry Buff, it completely slipped my mind,
I'm really sorry. Although maybe I should be more sorry judging from
the look on your face. You okay? Please don't tell me something bad
happened last night, I just got side tracked, didn't know what was
happening. Feel free to jump in any time you want...'

Okay Xander knew that he wasn't exactly reliable, but Buffy seemed to
be definitely taking this bad. He could tell by the look on her face
that she wasn't happy.

`I'll make it up to you, promise. Everything's okay right?' Xander
watched his friend. She hadn't moved since she'd entered his
apartment. She just stood there staring at him. Mouth pulled tight.

`Buffy what's wrong?' Xander moved across the room to where she was
standing.

`Don't.' He stopped immediately, a concerned look on his
face. `Everything is not fine, in fact it's very far from fine.' She
began to pace around the room, twisting her hands together.

Xander knew something bad must have happened, it was unlike Buffy to
react so intensely. `Oh God what's happened? Is it Willow? Giles?
Buffy please what's wrong, please talk to me.' Voice raised in
concern.

She stopped, face twisting, looking directly at him. Xander could see
the anger in her eyes.

`No Xander it's you. You're what's wrong. I thought we were friends?

`Buffy, I'm sorry I forgot, it's just ' Xander didn't finish, the
look in his friend's eyes and the hand she was now pointing at him
silenced him.

`Don't even start. Why didn't you tell me? After what happened with
Willow? I'll admit that maybe I didn't handle that very well, but now
this? I had to find out from him? From Graham?' Her voice now raised,
almost shouting.

`How could you not tell me?' she practically screamed at him. Xander
could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes.

//Oh God//

`Buffy I'm ' Once again unable to finish.

`What's wrong Xander? Cat got your tongue? You still not going to
tell me?' She had resumed pacing again, her voice breaking slightly.
Xander knew how she must be feeling, it felt like his insides were
melting away.

Knew she must feel betrayed, knew it was all his fault.

`Well are you going to fucking say anything?' She was staring at him
again, holding her hands out in exasperation. Xander still couldn't
speak, slowly slipped down until he was sitting, unable to meet her
gaze.

He could feel a burning sensation in his mouth, couldn't speak. Like
he'd swallowed acid. His body starting to convulse, he wanted to
explain but just didn't know how to start. Didn't think he was
capable of it. Couldn't speak through the tears he could feel
forming, burning their way up his throat.

`Buffy ???' Still having trouble, scared by what he saw when he
looked up at his friend. She'd moved closer, Xander could see her
hands gripped tight by her sides, white knuckles from gripping too
tightly.

`I I...' Xander tried to swallow the acid taste of bile.

`You what?' screaming again. Xander flinched back, recoiling in
response to the words she bit out at him. She was so close now he
could feel her spit on his face when she spoke. He could feel the
words breaking against him.

Could see her crying now, knew he was as well. Tried to control his
body but couldn't speak.

`I'm sorry Buffy.'

`Why didn't you tell me?'

`I was scared.' Voice just a whisper.

`I don't know you anymore! I thought you were my friend.'

Simple statement, breaking all his resolve. Saw her move through the
haze of tears. His body now uncontrollably wracked. Tears tracking
down his face, could feel the salty taste on his lips, not able to
stop.

He could see her leaving, wanted to tell her how he was sorry, wanted
to beg her to stay, to beg her to let him explain. But it was too
late she was gone.

Door slammed hard behind her retreating form.

Xander slumped to the floor, curling up, trying to protect himself
from the hatred he'd seen his friend directing at him. He continued
to sob.

*******************************************

Buffy slammed the door and started to run. She knew inside that she'd
handled that badly, knew that she really should go back and talk to
her friend. Knew that he still was her friend despite what she'd
said. Waited till she was outside before she let herself cry.

Had to stop walking.

Not bothering to disguise her tears she began to sob. Had promised to
herself that if she could have gone back to the time Willow told her
about her feelings for Tara, that she would and this time she
wouldn't fuck it up so badly.

She knew she'd had the opportunity with Xander, all she could do now
was curse herself for doing it all over again.

Didn't know why she'd acted like that again. Just wanted to make it
all go away, but more importantly she just needed space.

Thought that she was already late for her 8 o clock. Decided there
was no way she could have gone anyway, would have just ended up
crying. She just needed time and space, to spend the day alone, then
call Riley, apologise for the way she'd acted, get him to smooth
things over with Graham, then try and enlist his help and Willow's
with fixing the damage she'd done with Xander.

Once she'd regained control of her body, she left, too distracted and
overcome with emotion to notice she wasn't alone, she had been
followed to Xander's. Too distracted to notice that when she left she
no longer was.
 

tbc