**********

?You two are pathetic.?

Yeah, thanks,  Spike.  Now, why don?t you go on and tell us something we don?t know... you... you.... fuck!  Jackass.  Yeah, ?jackass? will work here.

You jackass!

?I mean, completely and totally pathetic.?  The blond vampire gestures wildly with his half empty beer bottle.  ?I?m talking capitol letters and italics.  PATHETIC.  Or, maybe capitol letters and bold.  Either way, it means the same thing, basically.  You two are-?

?Spike!  Shut the hell up, or I?m ramming, something-?  Riley pauses in his threat to the vampire long enough to let out a truly massive burp.

?Good one, Hayseed.?

?Thank you.  Now, as I was saying, shut the hell up, or... or...?

?Or what??

Riley?s face is all scrunchy.  ?I don?t know.  I forgot what I was going to threaten to do to you, but I?m sure it would have been bad, and painful, and just shut up.?

Way to strike fear into the heart of a demon, Sir.

?Well, *somebody* isn?t a very articulate drunk.?  Spike smiles as Riley demonstrates his continued fluency in rude hand gestures.  Then... oh great.  Now the vamp?s looking at me.  ?What about you, eh, pet?  Know you?re about as verbose as Red?s little chit, but come on!  Even you can do better than *that*.?  He gestures over to Riley, who seems to be in deep thought contemplating the horsies on the label of the bottle in his hand.

I?ve got to say something.  And it should be a good something.  Smart, and glib, and smart, and... uh... smart.

?Shut up, or I?ll stake you.?  Okay, Brain, what happened to smart?  What happened to glib?  And, is a rock supposed to be moving like that?

?Oh, very nice.  Very inventive.?  Spike sneers.

?Very effective.?  No, I don?t think a rock should be moving like that.  Maybe inanimate objects moving on their own is a sign I should stop with the alcohol consumption.  Then again, this is the Hellmouth.  Maybe it?s just a sign that one of my feet is about to get gnawed off.

Oh, good.  That means I can have another drink.

?No, but really,?  Spike pitches his now empty bottle in the direction of his crypt.  That?s not right.  Dead people shouldn?t litter in cemeteries.  ?I mean, I thought I was pathetic after Dru left me, but the two of you are taking being abandoned to a whole new level of-?

Whoa, *abandoned*?!

?We haven't been *abandoned*!?  Riley must have gotten bored with his horsie picture.  ?We?ve just been... been...?

?Cast aside?  Deserted?  Forsaken??  Ooohhh.  Not only is he a vampire, seems Spike is also a walking thesaurus.  That must come in handy.

?No.?  Is that me talking?  Huh, I guess it is.  ?We were just left behind.?  Oh yeah, that sounds much better.  ?But they?re gonna come back.?

?Oh, of *course* they are, pet.  Of *course* they are.?

?Yeah, they are so too coming back.?  Oh, Riley, next time Buffy asks you to baby-sit Dawn, just say no.

?Well, if they ?are so too?...?  Stupid vampire with his sneers, and high tolerance alcohol level thingie.  Um...  Spike stretches and gets up without even having to hold onto anything.  ?I?m still a bit thirsty.  Gonna get me another.  Either of you boys want??

No.  We really shouldn?t.  I mean *really* shouldn?t.  ?Okay.?

Riley nods.  ?Sure.?

We watch Spike walk on completely non shaky legs (stupid vampire) back into his crypt, and Riley and I are left sitting on the ground, leaning back against some really dead, not just partially dead, people?s headstones, and.... Oh God.

?What the Hell are we doing here??

Riley blinks at me, long, slow blinks.  ?You mean existensil... exestenshl... ex-is-ten-ti-ally shpeaking??

?Uh... I don?t think so.  I mean, what the Hell are we doing *here*?  With Spike.  In a graveyard.  At night.  We don?t like Spike.  And we?re not too fond of graveyards.  And, well, night can be okay for some things but not when it?s added into the whole Spike/graveyard equation.?

Ri smiles wistfully.  ?You sounded just like Xander when you said that.?

Aw.  That just... Yeah, that deserves an Aww.

He sighs.  ?They are coming back, right??

?Of course they are.  They live here, remember??

?Yeah.  But, Cordelia and... *Him* used to live here too, then they went to L.A.  Now Buffy and Xander have gone to L.A.  There?s a preche... presin... pre-si... ah, fuck it, you know what I mean.?

I rub my eyes.  Damn.  I either need to try and sober up, or get more drunk, I haven't decided yet.  ?Somehow, yeah, I do.  And, you know that there is a big difference between moving, and just visiting long enough to pick up an ancient manuscript that, for some reason, can?t be trusted in the hands of the United States Postal Service.?  Personally, I think it was because Angel was too cheap to foot the postage.

?Yeah, but I also know that there?s a big difference between what Buffy and I have and what she and... *Him* had.?

Oh, boy.  Here we go again.  ?Riley, you?re-?

?Absolutely right.?  Spike says from right beside me.

And, GAH, by the way!  How did I not hear him?  Stupid vampire.

Spike hands each of us a new bottle, then takes up his former position on top of the final resting place of some guy named Roger.  ?What Buffy and Angel had was... the stuff that sonnets are written about.  What music is composed for.  What-?

?Remind me again why we can?t kill him??  Ri glares at the vamp.  ?I mean, really *really* kill him??

?Because Willow said it would be tantamount to clubbing a kitten.?  I roll my eyes.

?But, what if it?s a really annoying kitten??

?Hey!?  For an evil guy Spike is very good at looking all offended.  ?Here I am just trying to be supportive.?

?You, supportive??

?Well, yeah!  Remember, I don?t like His Grand Gelledness any more than you do.  The huge, bloody wanker.  If the Slayer has an ounce of sense in that pint sized brain of hers she will keep her distance.  Food for thought, kiddies.  Grand love does not always equal great love.?

Wow.  That was almost, no, that was... poetic.  Or, if not actually poetic, it was really nice.  Maybe Spike isn?t as much of a jackass as I thou-

?Personally, I could never understand what she saw in the bastard.  I mean, he?s not exactly someone you drive three hours to see, you know.  Not like that Cordelia.  Mmmm.  Feisty little thing, she is, all dark eyed and hot tempered.  And, that body!  Gods below, it?s enough to make a gay man go straight.?

Oh, no, I was right the first time.  He is a jackass.

?You are a jackass.?  I point at Spike, just in case everyone isn?t clear who I?m referring to.

?No, I?m a vampire.  An *evil* vampire.  Why the hell can?t anyone remember that?!?  Spike looks upwards plaintively.

?Believe me, we haven?t forgotten what you are.?  Huh, now Riley?s doing the whole sneer thing.  Wonder if I should try it next?

?Really.  Then, why did you two come ?round to see me tonight, huh??

?We didn?t come here to see you, Spike.?  I snort.  ?We were patrolling the cemetery and you... offered us free beer.?

?Which reminds me of my original point.  You two are pathetic.?

Okay, yeah, I can see how that might be considered...

?Come on then.?  Spike abruptly stands up, and again, there?s no grabbing or clutching onto anything.  Stupid vampire.  ?If you lot can get up without puking, I?ll walk you home.?

He?ll what?!

Riley?s doing that slow blinking thing again.  ?You?ll what??

The vampire sighs.  ?I said, I?ll walk you home.  It?s not exactly how I wanted to spend some prime hunting time, but if anything happens to either of you, especially in my cemetery, the Slayer?ll reduce me to vacuum fodder.?  That would almost be worth getting all dead.  ?So, let?s go.  Come on, get off your arses, and then it?s one foot in front of the other.  Make Uncle Spikey proud.?

Home.  Yeah, that would be good.  Of course, there?s the whole ?getting there? part, which starts with the whole ?getting up? part.  But, I think I can do it.  I?ve stood up before.    Yes, okay, here goes.

Oh look, everything?s all spiny, including Spike, who?s gone from sneering to glaring.

?One more thing before we start our little trek.  If either of you throw up on me, all bets are off.?

*****

One foot in front of the other.  One foot in front of the other.  One foot in front of the other.  One foot... Oh, yeah.  This walking thing?s a piece of cake.

One foot in front of the other.  One foot in front of-  Okay, Spike, if you want me to walk, you can?t just stop all abrupt like right in front of me, ?cause no matter how funny it looks on T.V., in real life running into somebody like that would probably hurt.  And, when the hell did I start channeling my mother?

?Well,?  The vampire grins.  ?Would you look at that?  Maybe the evening won?t be such a wash after all.?

Look at what?  All I see is that great big demony looking thi... Oh!  Look at *that*!  ?It?s a demon.?

Crap.  And, hello sobriety.

?Very good, pet.  You deserve one of those gold star stickers and a lollipop.?

?Shhhh.?  Riley hisses at us.  ?Will you two pipe down before that thing spots us?!?

?News flash, Soldier-toy, it already has spotted us.?

And, oh yeah, there it is, looking straight at us.  Just looking right... just looking... hey, why is it just looking?  ?Why isn?t it attacking us??

?Because, it?s a Bry?ath demon.  They?re scavengers, and mostly don?t give a fuck about things that aren?t already dead.?

Riley?s eyebrows raise.  ?Then why isn?t it attacking you??

For just an instant, Spike let his face change.  ?Because it?s smarter than that, pet.?

?So, it doesn?t bother humans??  Wow, talk about lucking out.

?That?s right.?  The vampire scratches his chin.  ?Unless, of course, it?s provoked.?

Ri nods.  ?Okay, so we?ll just refrain from poking it with big sticks, and we should be all right.?

?Oh, that?s not how you provoke a Bry?ath demon.?  Spike?s grinning again.  Oh God, I hate it when Spike grins.  ?*This* is how you provoke a Bry?ath demon.?

?Spike!?

?No!?

Riley and I both move, but before we?re able to cover the vamp?s mouth some sort of strange gibberish comes out of it.

I grab Spike?s duster.  ?What did you just do??

He?s still grinning.  I fucking *hate* it when he grins!  ?Well, see, the Bry?ath have quite a mother complex going on.?

?You insulted it?s mother?!?

?Not exactly.  Actually, I told it *you* insulted it?s mother.?

Gah... Urg... ?Why?!??

?Because,?  he claps me on the shoulder.   ?I don?t like you.?

Oh, right. Evil vampire.  And, hey, so that?s what an enraged Bry?ath demon looks like when it?s charging.

Well... shit.

*****

Ow.  Owowowowowowowowow.  OW.  Owwwahhh.  Okay, this is a good position.  Laying on my bed, pillows all propped up in just the right way.  Remote control in one hand, painkillers in the other, and copious amounts of liniment rubbed on various places.

Stupid, damn, stupid, fucking, son of a stupid bitch vampire.  Oh, sure, ?It was just a bit of a lark, pet.  I just thought we could all work off some tension, pet.  Do you think your ribs are cracked, or just bruised, *pet*.?

OW!

I didn?t know you could actually bother muscles by just emoting, but then again when have I ever...

What was that?  It sounded like.

There?s a soft click as the bedroom door opens.

I can feel my entire face light up.  ?You?re home!?

?Hey!?  Xander grins at me.  Now, I love it when Xander grins.  ?I didn?t think you?d still be up.?  He moves over to the bed and leans in for a kiss.  ?And, why do you smell like an old person?s home??

?Long story.?  I reach up and bring him back to me.  I just need to feel him right now.  Taste him.  Touch him.  Not that I was actually worried about him being away, or anything.  Nope.  Not me.

?Mmmm.  If this is what I get when I come back, maybe I should go away more often.?

I pull him down on the bed, and Owowow... fuck it.  I?ll live with the pain.  ?Don?t even think about it.  So... how was the trip, and... seeing... everybody??

?Well, I?m back home at almost four a. m.  That alone should tell you something.?

?Didn?t have much fun, huh??

?I don't know?  Does watching an entire evening of the tense, painful, angst filled drama that is any Buffy and Angel meeting sound like fun??

?Uh, no.?

?Then, no.  Although, it was kind of neat to see Cordy again.  And even Wes wasn?t that bad.  Oh, and the new guy they have working with them, Gunn, yeah, he?s pretty cool.?

?Oh... good.  So, neat.  It was neat.?  I can live with it just being neat.

?Yeah.  You know,?  Xan looks at me with way too innocent eyes.  ?She wants to meet you.?

She does?!  ?She does?!  Is that a good thing??  Oh, well, at least she?s not the ex who?s a convicted murderer... I mean, I don?t think Xander had more than one of those, right?

?I haven?t decided yet.  But, she did say we could stay with her, you know, if we wanted to.?  Xander leans in and starts to nuzzle my neck.  He murmurs something that... I can?t quite...

?Wait, *what* did you just say about her roommate?!?

********