Title: Falls Apart
Summary: Graham has some doubts
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: New Moon Rising
Disclaimer: They?re not mine
Archive: UCSL, Xanderslash, anywhere else just ask
Date: May 7, 2000
E-mail: Saone@yahoo.com

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You can never be fully prepared, you know. I mean, you can train and run simulations, and go over countless possibilities in your mind, but when it comes down to it, the only thing you can do is muddled through. Just ride out the storm until you think it?s safe, then poke your head up to take stock of what?s left of your life.

That?s what I?ve been doing - taking stock, and I?ve come to the undeniable conclusion that. . . I don?t have the slightest clue about anything. Yep, I?m absolutely certain that I know jack about anything and everything in my life.

Didn?t used to be this way. Twelve hours ago I was set. I knew where I stood, where my friends stood, and most importantly, what my mission stood for. Oh sure, I was completely confused over how to engage in even simple conversation with. . . well, that?s not important anymore, is it?

Twelve hours ago we weren?t hunting one of our own.

Twelve hours ago the guy that I want to spend every waking moment worshiping with my tongue wasn?t my enemy.

Compared to the here and now, twelve hours ago was pretty idyllic.

Xander is my enemy. Maybe if I say it enough it?ll help. Maybe if I concentrate on what he did.

He was part of the team that infiltrated the compound. He helped Ri. . . he aided in the escape of a traitor and an HST. He is to be detained, and then, most likely executed.

The next time I see him, I could be ordered to put a bullet in his head.

Oh yeah. That helped.

I?m not an idiot. I know how things work. How just when you think you have something figured out, something else comes along to knock you on your ass. I get that, I do. I just never thought. . . nevermind. Doesn?t matter.

All my life I?ve played by the rules, I?ve done what people expected of me, I?ve. . . followed orders. It?s who I am. It?s what I do. He?s just a guy. What I feel, and what I hoped he *could* feel don?t fit into this equation.

Killing him shouldn?t be a problem.

It really shouldn?t.

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