Title: Fumbling Inside
Summary: Graham is having some problems in his ?relationship? with Xander
Rating: R
Spoilers: General end of season 4
Disclaimer: They?re not mine
Archive: UCSL, Xanderslash, Graham Crackers
Date: May, 31, 2000
E-mail: Saone@yahoo.com

**********

Riley is going to die.

Soon.

Very soon.

Yep, as soon as I can get him to hold still long enough for me to wrap my hands around his throat.

Oh, what, did you think I meant something else was going to get him. . . Hah! I wouldn?t let anything else have the satisfaction.

Nope, if you happen to hear of the death of Riley Finn, don?t make the mistake of thinking some random demon did him in. Cause that would be wrong. Cause it?s gonna be me. That?s right! Me! Graham Miller!

I wonder if Spike could give me some pointers? You know, make Ri?s death that much more gruesome.

Okay, okay, fine. . . I?m not *really* gonna kill Riley. If nothing else then for the fact that Buffy would probably kick my ass.

I just. . . I just wish he would stop trying to be all matchmaker-like. I know he has good intentions, but. . .

Like, last night. . . a bunch of us were at Giles? apartment, trying to get some kind of line on this new demon that Wily says has taken up residence in a sea cave just south of town. I had settled down on the couch with a book, that was probably written when my great, great, grandfather was in diapers, and I was happily scanning the pages.

That?s not sarcasm, by the way. I really do like doing the research thing.

I never said I was normal.

Anyway, somehow, and I?m still not sure of the exact logistics, but somehow Riley ends up maneuvering everybody so that the only empty seat left when Xander shows up after he gets off work, is right next to me on the couch. Right Next To Me. On The Couch.

And, do you know what Xander does? He just plops down. Right there. Next to me. Have I mentioned that he?s right next to me?

He smelled so good.

So, I?m staring at this book, trying desperately to ignore every single nerve ending in my left leg, which are basically screaming to my cerebral cortex that Xander?s thigh is touching mine, and I?m wondering how denim can transmit so much body heat, cause I?m sure my hip is about to catch on fire, and Willow found something but I can?t hear a word of what she?s saying because the sound of my own heart is echoing through my ears and drowning everything else out, and I?m really glad that this big, heavy book is in my lap so I don?t have to explain to everyone why I?m sporting an obvious hard on when I?m supposed to be learning about some amphibious monster!!!

And, to top it all off, there?s Riley, grinning like an idiot!!!

He doesn?t get it. . .and I?m not sure how to explain it to him.

He doesn?t understand that I can?t just go up to Xander and ask him out, and I don?t just mean because of the whole ?risk of no? factor.

I don?t think Xander?s ever dated a guy before. His last girlfriend was an ex-demon, so he?s obviously open to. . . different stuff. Still, there?s always a chance I could be mistaken, or he could be unwilling to admit it. So many things could go wrong. One bad move, and he could decide that he never wants to see me again. I don?t thing I could deal with that.

What I feel for Xander is more than this. . . infatuation. I?m not gonna call it love, cause that would just be silly. People don?t fall in love based on whatever it is we?ve had together. Maybe. . .like. Yeah, an intense, all consuming, hopelessly fallen, kind of like.

And, right now, I have legitimate excuses to sit in the same room as this object of lo-ike. . . but, I have the awful suspicion that if Riley keeps meddling he?s gonna mess things up, which would of course lead to his horribly painful death.

Thing is, I really like just spending time with Xander. Yes, I am aware of the stupid sappiness inherent in that statement. Or, wait. . . you want real sap? Okay, here goes. . .I used to fantasize about the two of us just lounging on a couch somewhere, and reading the paper. See - sap!

Oh, I have the normal fantasies too. The sweet, romantic ones, and the hot, sweaty ones, and the ones where I throw him against the nearest available surface and ravish his body in these incredibly inventive ways while he moans my name, and. . . and. . . uh. . . what was I talking about?

Um. . . killing Riley? No, after that.

Scooby meeting. . . no. . .

Oh yeah.

So anyway, I really do just like spending time with Xander. He?s. . . different, but in a completely good way. I?ve never met anyone quite like him.

I li. . . okay, okay. . . I love him.

Silly, stupid, sappy. . .

Illogical, idiotic, inane. . .

True.

Maybe Riley?s ri. . . righ. . . shit!! Right.

Maybe I should take a chance. Go for it. Tell Xander how I feel, and damn the consequences!

Or. . . maybe not.

**********


Saone's Fanfiction
Author Index