Title: Good Grief
Summary: Halloween silliness. Xander, Graham, and Angel run into a little gourd related trouble. (Xander/Graham/Angel)
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Nothing in this story is mine
Spoilers: Basic season 5 of Buffy
Archive: Any archive of a list that receives this
Date: October 31, 2000
E-mail: Saone@yahoo.com
Notes: Okay, this little twisted piece of whatever came about from a combination of the Halloween challenge on the Angelslash list, pumpkin shopping, and the infamous ?Snoopy dance?. Charles gets the blame ?cause. . . well, ?cause he?s Charles. Do I really need any other reason?

**********

?Hmm hmm hmm hm, hmm hmmm hmm hm-?

?What are you. . . What is that. . .? Xander scowled at his patrolling companion. ?Graham, are you humming the theme to ?Ghostbusters???

The soldier blinked a few times, a look of complete innocence plastered on his face. ?Um. . . yeah.?

?Well, don?t!?

?Oh, okay.?

The two young men continued through the woods in silence until. . .

?Hm hmm hmm hmm hm hmm hm-?

Xander sighed loudly. ?No ?Adams? Family? either!?

Graham frowned. ??Monster Mash???

?No.?

??Thriller???

?Don?t even. . . No.?

?Oh.? Graham absently kicked at a fallen tree branch. ?Man, I thought you were supposed to be the fun one.?

Quite wounded by the comment, Xander said defensively. ?I am the fun one!?

?Then why are you stressing so much? It?s the night before Halloween, and you and I are hunting monsters, alone, in the middle of the woods. . . What?s wrong with a little mood music??

?Well, not to reiterate what you just said, but we?re already kinda choking on atmosphere here. Besides, there?s tempting fate, and then there?s going up to it and sticking your tongue out.? Xander let said delectable tongue out to wet his lips.

?So, if *this* isn?t your idea of fun. . .? Graham shrugged in what he hoped looked like detached indifference. ?Then, what is?? Blue eyes discreetly studied Xander?s reaction.

The younger man blushed, in a very suave way, as he realized how loaded that question could be. ?Well, um, it all depends, doesn?t it?? He said tentatively. ?I mean, there are different types of fun. What kind were you thinking of, like a board game or something??

?Depends on who gets to be the board.? Graham murmured.

?Huh??

Graham cleared his throat, and decided to jump right in. ?I was actually talking about a different kind of fun. You know, the kind that?s loud enough to disturb the neighbors.?

?Like video games?? Xander smiled at Graham?s expression of controlled exasperation. ?Kidding, kidding. I get what your idea of fun is. And, I also get that we?re flirting. . . We are flirting, right??

?God, I hope so.?

?Well, in that case, on the subject of disturbing the neighbors,? Xander peered up through his lashes. ?I suppose I should tell you that my new apartment has nice, thick walls.?

Graham?s eyes sparkled. ?Then, we?ll just have to try extra hard. . . to get sound through them, I mean.?

?Extra hard?? Xander took a step towards Graham.

?*Very* hard.? Graham took a step towards Xander.

?Um,? Xander smiled shyly. ?You mind if we quit with the subtext and start with the spit swapping??

Graham matched the smile, and leaned forward, closing the gap between the two men. Mouths touched all too briefly before the soldier abruptly pulled back. ?What was that?!? Graham?s eyes were wide as they searched the darkened woods.

?Didn?t hear a thing. Want more kisses. Now.? Xander put his hands on the back of Graham?s neck and tried to force him back into place, however, the older man resisted.

?There it is again!? Graham whispered, and indeed, something could clearly be herd tramping around in the dark recesses of the forest.

?What?? Xander laughed nervously. ?Oh, you mean that suspiciously unidentifiable sound??

?Yeah, that?s the one.? Graham said grimly.

The younger man?s mouth twisted into a grin. ?You know, if we were in a horror movie, what with the sex talk, and the kissing, and the spooky woods, and the scary noises, we?d probably be saying-?

?Let?s check it out.? Graham started to move forward until Xander?s hand clamped down on his arm.

?Right. Exactly. Oh, and look, here?s the part where we get horribly mutilated. Right on schedule.?

?Don?t be silly.? Graham admonished. ?We?ll just. . . investigate a little.?

?Investigate?? Xander blinked in disbelief. ?Is this some weird death wish thing, or have you actually never watched a scary movie??

?Xander, stuff like that doesn?t happen in real life.?

The younger man raised a questioning eyebrow. ?How long have you lived on the Hellmouth again? Look, I know you?re still Mr. Gung Ho Soldier Man and everything, but, well. . . you want to do fun and interesting stuff to my body, I want to do fun and interesting stuff to yours. . . What?s say we just let this demon be the one that got away? We can tell everyone it was *this* big.? Xander threw out his arms and nodded hopefully.

Graham frowned. . .until Xander licked his lips again, then he was sold. ?Okay, we can go. It was probably just a raccoon or something.?

Xander smiled, accepted the rationalization, and refrained from mentioning that the possibility of any small nocturnal animal surviving on the Hellmouth was just about nonexistent.

The two young men started to leave, visions of steamy sex already floating in their heads, when a voice came to them from out of the darkness.

?Xander??

Both humans stopped and glanced at each other. ?Um. . . Maybe it?s a very vocal raccoon?? Xander said with a nervous chuckle.

?A raccoon that knows your name??

?They?re very intelligent animals.?

But, both men knew that it was certainly not a raccoon that was making it?s way towards them. Mutually deciding to neither hide, nor run, they stood their ground. The mortals held their collective breath as a tall figure seemingly materialized from the darkness.

?Angel!? Xander handled the appearance of the souled vampire with only a modicum of jaw dropping and eye widening. ?What are. . . Why are. . . Okay, let?s just get the most pressing one out of the way first. Are you evil??

Angel glared at the mortal. ?No. When are you gonna forget about that, huh? Live in the now.?

?Live in the. . .? Xander shook his head. ?You have been fully assimilated to L.A. life, haven?t you? Okay, if you?re not evil then. . . Oh, God. It?s Buffy. She?s in trouble, isn?t she??

The vampire scowled. ?I?m not here for Bufffy.?

?Then why-?

?Maybe I?m here to see you??

Xander?s eyebrows shot up. ?Really?!?

?Well. . . no. . . but, I could be.? Angel fidgeted a bit and silently cursed his soul having self?s less then stellar social skills. Being around certain people was so much easier when he was evil and insane. ?I?m here because Cordelia had a vision.?

Xander threw up his hands. ?Now, see, that was gonna be my third guess.?

Graham, who had been keeping a constant distrustful eye on the undead creature of the night, finally spoke. ?A vision? What kind??

Angel?s eyes shifted, and he gave the soldier an appraising, and extremely thorough, once over. With a more lifeless tone than usual the vampire asked. ?So. . . who?s this??

?Angel, Graham.? Xander nodded toward both of them in turn. ?Graham, Angel.?

?Graham.? Angel smirked. ?Like. . .the cracker.?

Blue eyes narrowed. ?Oh yeah, never heard that before. Very original.? He cocked his head. ?Angel. . . like the undead psycho who terrorized the town a few years ago??

?How nice. You?ve heard of me.?

?Well, Riley?s filled me in.?

Angel smiled sweetly. ?And, how is Riley? His ass still have my boot print on it??

A sudden snort from Xander?s direction preempted Graham?s reply. ?Oh, man!? Xander?s head pivoted back and forth between the two men. ?I totally understand what Buffy was talking about now. Testosterone poisoning.? He pursed his lips. ?You know, it?s kinda pathetic when you watch from this angle.?

?We?re not. . .?

?That wasn?t. . .?

The brown eyed mortal ignored the puffing and posturing. ?So, what was this vision thingie about?

Angel took a brief respite from his impromptu glaring contest with Graham to answer. ?Cordy only managed to give me the basics before beginning to alternate between demanding an all paid shopping expedition to Tiffany?s, and making retching noises.?

?Yeah,? Xander?s expression was fond. ?That's our Cordy.?

Angel allowed himself a small smile. ?Anyway, from what I was able to discern, there?s something bad lurking around these woods.?

Graham coughed and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, ?Yeah, and I?m looking at him.?

Xander smirked and stifled a chuckle. ?Come on, let?s go find this thing that made Cordy want to puke.? He hit Graham on the arm. ?See, I know how to have fun.?

*****

?Remind me again, who exactly said this was gonna be fun?? Xander grumbled while Angel and Graham very wisely kept their mouths shut. ?Is it really so much to ask for monsters to rampage in convenient places? I mean, there hasn?t been any bloodshed at the Bronze in ages. And, besides, that whole evil creatures in the forest thing, isn?t that a bit passe??

?Well, I don?t think we?re gonna be in the forest much longer.? Angel observed. ?It looks like there?s a clearing up ahead.?

The three men stepped out of the woods and into something very different.

Graham crouched down and picked up something small and orange. ?It looks like we?re in a. . .pumpkin patch.?

?Oh, no.? Xander paled as the full implication of the situation hit him. ?It can?t be.?

?It can?t be what?? Angel moved closer to the younger man. ?Xander, do you know what we?re searching for??

?Well. . .? The younger mortal?s face suddenly flashed in realization. ?No, wait. That?s impossible. Today?s Monday. It?s only the thirtieth.?

Graham frowned and looked down at his watch. ?Actually, the time?s twelve oh two am, so technically it?s now Tuesday. . . Halloween.?

?Oh, crap.? Xander suddenly moved into a crouch. ?Get down!?

Graham and Angel reacted instantly, both immediately acquiescing to the authority in the younger mortal?s voice.

?Did you see something?? Graham whispered, his eyes quickly, yet thoroughly scanning the surrounding area.

?No, not yet.? Xander glanced up at the starry night sky. ?But, if what I think is out there is really out there then we should stay low.?

Angel followed his gaze. ?What do you think is out there??

Xander?s voice spoke with a learned knowledge far exceeding his twenty years. ?It?s The Great Pumpkin.?

The vampire and soldier both blinked at the younger man, then. . . they blinked some more.

?It?s what now??

?Excuse me??

Xander rolled his eyes at having to repeat himself. ?It?s The Great Pumpkin.?

Graham shook his head. ?You mean, like from Charlie Brown??

?Uh,? Angel raised his hand. ?Someone mind filling in the culturally inept over here??

Graham sighed. ?It?s a thing from the Peanuts comic strip. Linus waits in the pumpkin patch all Halloween night hoping to get a glimpse of ?The Great Pumpkin?.?

Angel grimaced. ?Comic strip??

?Yeah, you know, every Halloween the Great Pumpkin flies over the land, giving toys to all the good little boys and girls of the world.?

?That's just another example of pop culture distorting the facts.? Xander?s eyes anxiously peered out into the night. ?In actuality The Great Pumpkin is an evil harbinger of retribution. It prowls pumpkin patches on Halloween, looking for people to gut and carve so it can exact revenge in the name of all the helpless gourds sacrificed for this holiday.?

Graham sighed and looked pityingly at the younger man. ?You?ve been forgetting to wear your face mask around the industrial strength glue fumes again, haven?t you??

?No! Well. . . maybe. . . a couple times. . . three tops.? Xander shook his head. ?But, that?s completely irrelevant.? The brown eyed mortal ignored the pained look shared by the other men. ?Look, the whole pumpkin thing, it was in this book me and Wills found, ?Beloved Twentieth Century Icons, and Their Demonic Origins?.?

Graham looked at him incredulously. ?You?re joking, right?

?Wait, I?ve heard of that volume before.? Angel leveled his intense stare at Xander. ?Do you remember what the passage from the book said??

?You mean, besides the whole gutting, and carving, and revenge thing??

?Yeah.?

Xander furrowed his eyebrows in concentration as he tried to remember the non-interesting, non-gory parts. ?It said The Great Pumpkin rises from a pumpkin patch in the dark of Halloween-?

?Well, it?s only been Halloween for a few minutes. Maybe it hasn?t risen yet.? Graham said hopefully.

Angel nodded at the young soldier. ?And, if we can figure out which pumpkin it is, we can destroy it before it even gets a chance to rise.?

?But how are we gonna figure out which one it is? Xander asked.

?There must be at least a hundred pumpkins in this field.? Graham sighed in frustration. ?It would take too long to destroy all of them. There's no telling when this thing might wake up.?

?Then we spread out.? Angel said, putting on his commanding voice. ?Look for anything strange, any irregularities that you don?t see on the other plants. It?s here somewhere.?

The three men began to search the area, trying not to disturb things too much, fearful of accidentally awakening the homicidal vegetable. . . fruit. . . vegetable. . . whatever.

It seemed like an exercise in futility until Graham called out. ?I think I?ve got. . .something.?

Xander came up to stand beside the soldier. ?Um. . . I?m no gardener, but I don?t think normal pumpkins come complete with the evil face forming feature.?

Angel peered down at the orange monstrosity. ?No, I don?t think they do.?

?Okay, weapons check.? Xander dug around in his various pockets. ?I?ve got a stake and a crucifix, and. . . another stake. Too bad it?s not an undead pumpkin.?

Graham nodded. ?Yeah, somehow I don?t think my taser would be very effective.?

?That?s okay.? Angel seemingly pulled something out of thin air. ?I brought one of my battle axes.?

Graham stared at the rather large weapon. ?Where the hell did that come from??

?Under my coat.? The vampire shrugged. ?It?s an immortal thing.?

?Okay.? Xander motioned towards the dormant creature. ?Well, chop chop. Literally. Get to hacking.?

Angel rolled his eyes, and hefted the ax above his head.

Xander leaned closer to Graham. ?You know, if *this* was a scary movie-?

?The monster would open it?s eyes and attack us right before Angel brings the ax down.? Graham finished with a triumphant smirk. ?See, I?ve seen some horror movies.?

?Do you two mind?? The vampire glared at them.

?Sorry.?

?Sorry.?

Angel started to bring down the ax, when he paused, his own memories of certain sporadic exposures to horror films making him realized that this *was* the classic time for a last ditch attack. He kept a suspicious eye on the seemingly inactive creature. After a few seconds of holding that pose, the vampire mentally shrugged, prepared for the worse, and dropped the blade, neatly cleaving the demonic gourd in two.

The three men quickly backed away as a vile stench filled the air. Both halves of the pumpkin began to liquefy into a gelatinous mess.

?I guess we know we got the right one.? Graham observed.

Xander let out a deep sigh. ?It?s almost disappointing though. I mean, you kinda expect more from an icon.?

Graham frowned, shook his head, and decided not to comment on that. Instead he turned his attention to the tall vampire. ?So, Angel, are you gonna head back down to L.A. now??

Angel warily regarded the soldier. ?Is that a request??

?Not necessarily.? Graham replied in a steady tone.

Angel studied the other man for a moment. If he was reading things right L.A. could certainly wait. ?Actually, I was thinking about staying in town for a couple days. I guess it?s the season, but for whatever reason Cordy?s gotten on a scary movie kick and if she points to me and says ?I see dead people? one more time I?ll. . . It?s not funny Xander!?

The brown eyed mortal snickered. ?No, it?s not. It?s very rude, and I can?t believe I never thought about doing that to Spike.? Xander?s face brightened. ?Hey, that?s an idea for tonight. We can head over to the ole crypt and torment Blondie!?

?As much as I?d love to see my wayward childe, if for nothing else then to beat the crap out of him again, what are our other options?? Angel asked.

Xander thought for a moment. ?Well, we could all go over to Riley?s place and watch his ?Children of the Corn? movie marathon.?

Angel rubbed at the back of his neck. ?Does anyone else find that a bit. . .?

?Disturbing? Yes.? Graham said succinctly.

Xander?s eyes gleamed. ?Or, we could engage in that time honored Halloween tradition.?

?You mean, eating candy til we puke?? The soldier asked.

?That?s the one.?

Angel diligently tried to smile at the humans. ?That sounds. . . really. . .I think I?ll pass.?

?Hey, your loss.? A rather wicked smile worked it?s way across the younger mortal?s face. ?I guess there is one other option. We could all go back to my apartment, take off all our clothes, and have lots and lots of orgasms.? Xander paused for a moment. ?Okay, I spent *way* too much time around Anya.?

?Well, regardless of the interesting phrasing, I think that?s definitely doable.? Blue eyes sparkled as Graham turned a small smirk towards Angel. ?You in??

The vampire calmly regarded the two deliciously lovely mortals standing in front of him. Well, outwardly he was calm. Internally, however, it was taking every ounce of will power he had to refrain from ripping off clothes and jumping them both, right then and there. ?I suppose so.?

?Cool.? Xander said. ?Let?s head back to civilization and break in my new mattress.?

And, that statement was enough to propel the trio back through the woods in the hope that Halloween would end up being very happy indeed.

*********

the end

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