Title Reactions
Summary: Graham has some angsty thoughts after *the kiss*
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Slight for Primevil
Disclaimer: They?re not mine
Archive: UCSL, Xanderslash, Graham Crackers
Date: June 15, 2000
E-mail: Saone@yahoo.com

**********

Ben Stiller was wrong. Reality doesn?t bite, it sucks.

Like a great big master vamp. . . it just drains the happiness right out of you.

And, I was happy. Not a bouncing off the walls happy, but a good steady ecstatic kinda happy.

Xander and I didn?t just kiss, he kissed me. He initiated it. He wanted it. And if the look on his face was any indication, he wants more.

So, I should be wearing the dopiest kind of grin on my face, and trying to decide which ice cream topping I want to lick off of him first. After all, placed in the equivalent circumstances, that would be the appropriate reaction from every red blooded American male.

Maybe I?m Canadian, and nobody told me.

Oh, don?t get me wrong, there is nothing I want more in this world then to be with Xander Harris. It?s just. . .now that there?s actually a chance I *could* end up being with Xander, reality has chosen to rear it?s ugly metaphorical head. . . and it?s brought along some wonderful, mind infesting doubts.

Don?t you just *love* those?

My head?s full of such fun stuff now, like all these complications that I know are just waiting to develop. Things I had never even bothered to contemplate back when this was all just happy fantasy shower time. And if *I*, the guy who?s been dreaming of this relationship since October, haven?t thought of these problems then I?m positive that Xander hasn?t either.

There are so many things to think about. So many people to think about. At least. . . at least I know that Riley accepts me. And, everybody seems to be okay with Willow and Tara, so we shouldn?t have a problem with the rest of the Scoobies. When it comes down to it, Xan and I both have pretty good friends, but our families. . . Well, at least mine are back on the east coast, so if they get all pissy there?s three thousand miles of buffer zone.

I gotta wonder if Xander has any idea of what he may be setting himself up for? If he?s even thought about the consequences involved in. . . well, getting involved. I can?t lose him. Not after what happened today. Xander left the hospital over an hour ago, but I can still feel him here. I can still smell him, his aftershave, or soap, or shampoo. . . whatever. I can still taste him.

He?s mine.

Great. Just great. Just freakin peachy. We?ve only had one kiss. . . okay, technically we?ve had two, but since the first was called on account of massive head trauma I?m not officially counting it. . . and it was enough to make me go this loopy. I can?t even imagine what it would be like if we ever get more physical. . . I mean, what it would be like psychologically, cause I?ve already spent a good chunk of my time thinking about the other. . . uh. . . parts.

You know what? This is ridiculous.

I can?t believe that I?m actually worrying so much about all of this.

I was a soldier in the United State?s Marine Corp. I?ve faced down things that would have most people screaming in utter terror. I?ve lived through Maggie Walsh?s version of hell, and I?m still here. And Xander, he?s lived almost twenty years on the Hellmouth, battling things. . . seeing things, that would seriously freak the average person.

We?re survivors. . . fighters. . . and if we want something bad enough, nothing, *nothing* is going to stand in our way.

Wow.

I think it?s time for me to appreciate my stalwartly reserved nature, cause I do believe that was even cornier then most of Riley?s speeches.

That?s okay, Xander can be the designated talker in our relationship. Besides, he?s cute when he babbles.

Why the hell have I been agonizing over this? Dealing with real life might get tough, but Xander?s a good enough incentive to at least try. That?s all anyone can do. But, I figure that if we can avoid becoming monster chow, we should be able to get through anything on the relationship front.

And now that personal crisis is over with, it?s time for me to move on to the really important questions. . . hmmm, caramel sauce, or whipped cream?

Hah! I knew I wasn?t Canadian.

**********


Saone's Fanfiction
Author Index