Chapter 3: Verdict

"I can't believe that woman." Willow shook her head.

"Wills, you've been saying the same thing since yesterday." Buffy wrapped
her arm around her friend's shoulders.

"I know, but it's true, I just? what she said?" Willow took a high pitched
voice: "Riley Finn is an amazing young man. His years of service as a
special agent are spotless. He's always been a calm and reserved young man,
ready to help his fellow officers and soldiers. He's resourceful and a great
asset to his group. In no circumstances has he lost his temper?" Willow
shook her head. "She was SO full of?"

"Willow!" Xander exclaimed, interrupting his friend.

"Oops." Willow blushed deeply and looked down. "But she was."

"You're right. Though, she doesn't know Riley if she thinks that of him."
Buffy said to Willow, as they walked toward the court building.

"She was right, in a way." Graham whispered, talking for the first time that
morning. "He? he was like that when he was on duty."

Buffy shook her head. "Maybe, but that's when he was on duty. We all know
the military was the only thing he ever cared about. But socially, in the
real world, he lost his temper over nothing." She took a deep breath. "He?
he hit me."

Graham looked at her sharply. "He what?" He exclaimed, as they all stopped
walking.

"That? that night, I? I told him it was ok, that we didn't have to? you
know." Buffy blushed. "He punched me on the jaw. One good punch, right
here." She caressed her face, just below her left cheek. "I told him that
being violent wouldn't help with his problem and he hit me again, on the
same spot. So I snapped. Yelled at him to get out of my house and out of my
life. That if he wasn't able to control himself, then I didn't want to ever
see him again." Shaking her head, Buffy looked back at Graham. "I'm so
sorry, I feel? so bad for snapping at him, if I hadn't? then maybe?"

Graham shook his head and squeezed her shoulder. "Like I already said, not
your fault at all."

Buffy nodded. "But?"

"You remember that psychiatrist?" Willow said out of the blue, to change the
subject, as they all started walking again.

Xander smiled. "Yeah, they thought she'd help their cause, but it ended up
going against them."

"Quite." Giles smiled. "Her analysis of Riley's mind and temper was so
accurate. It was frightening."

"He was blinded by his upbringing. He couldn't face the fact that he might
be attracted to a man." Xander whispered, wrapping his arm around Graham.
"On top of that, he couldn't face the fact that he WAS attracted to a man,
but not a woman. His sexuality was the problem. What he loved about you
Buff, was that you personified his ideal of the perfect girlfriend. Sorry, I
know it must hurt, but it's the truth."

Buffy looked at him and smiled sadly. "Yeah, it hurts, but not as much as it
hurt Graham."

"What amazes me," Giles said, polishing his glasses. "Is that Xander
remembers every word of that trial, but never could remember his school
lessons."

Everyone chuckled, as Giles opened the Judicial building's door and held it
for his young friends.

"That was a low blow, G-man." Xander said, punching Giles' arm playfully.

"Ah! Perhaps, Xander, but it was also quite accurate. And I believe I
already asked you a few years ago, not to call me that."

Graham laughed, still smiling as he parted from them to find his lawyer.

"All right, everyone, time for the verdict." Xander said, rubbing his hands
nervously as they entered the courtroom.

****

"All rise."

Everyone stood up as the panel of judges entered the room, right after Riley
had been brought in, still handcuffed.

Colonel White sat down, the two lieutenant-colonels did the same. "Special
Agent Riley Finn," The senior judge stated without preliminaries. "By order
of this court, you are found guilty of violating the Military Code of
Conduct in the following manners: you engaged in unnatural acts of a sexual
nature with one Agent Graham Miller, you struck a fellow officier, namely
Agent Miller, you sexually assaulted said Agent Miller and sodomized him,
causing severe physical and emotional damage. Though the physical damage you
inflicted on Agent Miller will heal, the emotional trauma of your actions
will be with Agent Miller for the rest of his life. What you did is
unforgivable in the face of the law. You are sentenced to 7 years of
imprisonment beginning today, September 12, 2000. You will lose all civil
rights and military benefits. You are from this moment forth dishonorably
discharged from the US military."

With a loud thump, Riley sank on his chair, taking his head in his hands.

Xander cheered silently. He knew Buffy, Willow and Giles were having the
same reaction. The judges' verdict made him feel lightheaded. Riley would be
punished.

"Agent Graham Miller," Colonel White continued. "You engaged in conduct
unbecoming to an officer, violating article 125 of the Military Code of
Conduct by stating your sexual preferences and engaging in unnatural carnal
acts. However, in light of the extenuating circumstances surrounding your
admission, it is my duty to alleviate your sentence. You are from this
moment forth honourably discharged from the US military and will retain all
military benefits due to an officer of your rank. I wish you luck for the
future Mr. Miller. This case is closed. Court dismissed."

Everyone waited for the judges to leave the room before yelling their joy.
Xander jumped to his feet and enfolded Graham in bear hug. "It's done Gray."
He whispered in his ear.

They could hear Captain Kawk, faintly, as he said something about taking the
case into appeal, but neither listened.

Graham felt tears on his cheeks as he hugged Xander back. He couldn't
remember ever being so relieved in his life. "Thank you Xan. Thanks for
supporting me all the way."

Xander suddenly realized the hug had gone on for long enough. He gently
disentengled himself from Graham's embrace, blushing slightly. "Always
Graham, always."

****

"What do you want to do tonight?" Xander asked, as they entered what was
soon to become their apartment, after having had dinner with the gang, in
celebration. He closed the door, mentally noting that they needed to talk
with the landlord the following day, and dropping his key on the table.
"Want to celebrate some more?"

Graham smiled, but shook his head. "I don't really feel like going out, I'm?
not ready yet. I mean? dinner was ok, but?" Sitting on the couch, he looked
pleadingly at Xander, as if asking his friend to understand.

"Hey, it's ok." The brunette replied, sitting beside the ex-marine on the
couch. "You're not ready to face the masses. I understand that. We could
rent a movie? Grab some beer and popcorn?"

Graham smiled, his eyes lighting up. "You know Xander, you're probably the
best friend I've ever had."

Xander blushed. "Well, I just want to cheer you up you know. The trial was
hard on you You need to relax."

"What movie do you want to rent then?" Graham asked.

"Oh, I was thinking old sci-fi movies. War of the Worlds or Attack of the
Fifty Foot Woman, or even Plan 9 From Outer Space. You ok with that?"

"Sure, I'd love that."

"Great, I'll go get them. I'll grab the beer and the popcorn on the way
back. You want anything else?" Xander asked, standing up and grabbing his
coat, since the night was a bit chilly.

"Nah, it's ok, you go. I'll? take a shower." Having said that, Graham stood
up and watched as Xander waved back at him and left. He headed for the
bathroom, feeling dirty and sick. Sure the trial was over, but the healing
process had only begun and the young man still had a long way to go.

****

"Graham? Where are you?" Xander asked, as he dropped the beer and popcorn
onto the kitchen counter and threw the movies on the couch. He walked into
the empty living room, suddenly scared. "Gray?"

"? in the ?room, Xan?" A sobbing voice drifted to Xander's ears and he
followed it to the bathroom, where he found his friend sitting on the floor,
a bathrobe covering his otherwise naked frame.

"Hey," Xander gently kneeled at his sobbing friend's side. "What's going
on?"

"I'm so dirty Xan, I can't get clean." Graham managed to say, as tears
covered his cheeks. He wasn't one to cry, but somehow he couldn't stop
himself. "Make me clean? Please Xan, clean me."

Xander didn't know what to do. He stared open mouthed at Graham, as the
words sank in. "Oh my God, Graham." He carefully took his friend in his arms
and gently rocked him. "It's ok, Gray. You're not dirty, you're beautiful.
Shhhh." And he kept rocking until Graham's sobs subsided.

Blushing slightly, the ex-marine disentangled himself from Xander's embrace
and dried his tears. "I'm sorry Xan, I? I don't know what?"

"Hey, you're dealing Gray, what happened to you, it won't go away just
because Riley's in prison." Xander took his friend's hands in his own. "I'm
not good at doing the caretaker thing, but I'll do my best for you. Want me
to call that psychiatrist your lawyer talked about?" He asked, standing up
and helping Graham do the same.

The ex-marine nodded. "Yeah, I guess? that'd be a good thing."

"Now, how about we start that movie huh? I'll grab the beer, you set the
video."

****

Xander stopped the car in front of the building. "This is it." He said to
Graham. "You're sure you'll be ok?"

Graham nodded. "It'll be fine."

"Yeah, but it's your first appointement and I'm?"

"Feeling a bit overprotective?" Graham finished the sentence for him.

"Yeah." Xander admitted, looking down. "Just? you call me when you're done.
I'll be at Buffy's."

"Sure." The ex-marine nodded, getting out of the car and closing the door
behind him. He walked to the building and opened the door.

****

"Graham Miller?" The young woman called from the doorway leading to her
office.

The ex-marine stood up and walked over to her. "Hi."

"Hi, please come in." She smiled, stepping aside to let Graham pass. "I'm
doctor Eleanor Tompson. But you can call me Elena. You can sit on the chair
or lie on the futon. Your choice. Whichever is more comfortable for you."

Graham smiled as he sat on the futon. It was more comfortable than the
chair, but he wasn't comfortable enough yet to lie down.

"Right! You're not really a talker, as far as I can see." The psychiatrist
raised her eyebrow as she smiled.

"Yes, I'm? quiet." Graham replied.

"You're not comfortable yet and that's understandable." Eleanor pulled a
chair over to Graham and sat down. Then she opened the file she was
carrying. "I received these files this morning. Your lawyer sent them to me,
but I haven't had time to go through them yet. I'll just explain to you how
it will work and then you can tell me what I would learn by reading all
these papers. Does that work for you?"

Graham's heart sped up at her statement. Did he really have to tell her
everything? "I'm? I'm not sure I can?"

"That's ok, we'll go slow. I promise." She gave him a soothing smile before
closing the file. "Right! First, I won't be the one doing the talking. I
might ask you questions that will help you open up to me, but you'll be the
one answering them. I have enough tissues to soak up the entire Pacific
Ocean, so that's not an issue. We'll see each other twice a week. If you
feel like you need to see me even more than that, you just have to ask.
Also, I'll be meeting your close friends too, including the one I talked to
on the phone. It's very important for me that I know how you interact with
them." She smiled. "Now, if you ever feel uncomfortable with anything I say
or do, don't hesitate to tell me. Oh, and I have a tendency to babble, is
that ok with you?"

Graham nodded, he liked her already.

"Great! So we'll start. Why are you here?" She asked, bluntly. "You don't
have to answer until you're ready. We have an hour together, and I'm very
patient."

"I've? I was a marine." Graham started, then paused. "But? I'm gay."

"According to popular beliefs, gay marines aren't that uncommon." Eleanor
said.

"I guess," Graham replied. "But there are? rules. I got an honourable
discharge because I stated in court that I was gay."

Eleanor looked shocked at that, but didn't say a word. She waited a few more
minutes for Graham to continue, but as he kept silent, she asked gently:
"Why were you in court?"

"I? I? I was?" Graham he couldn't bring himself to say it. His breath
started coming in short gasps.

"It's ok. You don't have to answer. We can talk about anything else you
want." Eleanor said.

Graham nodded. He forced himself to take slow, even breaths, wiping his
hands on his pants, but didn't say a word. A few more minutes passed and
Eleanor remained silent, patiently waiting for Graham to be ready. The young
man clenched his fists, trying not to break down. "I was raped." Graham said
hoarsely and then took a deep breath, avoiding the doctor?s eyes and
continued: "By a friend - another marine."

The rest of the hour was spent with Graham talking and Doctor Tompson
listening. After the first difficult minutes, the ex-marine could feel
himself opening up to the young psychiatrist, trust building up between
them, as he poured his heart into her ears.

****

Xander was waiting in the car outside the building when Graham was finished.
The ex-marine sat in the passenger's seat and smiled.

"I take it it went ok?" Xander asked, smiling back.

Graham nodded. "She'll help." Was all he said, as they made their way back
to their apartment.

****

"You're the one taking care of him." Doctor Tompson stated, looking at
Xander, who was sitting on the futon, in the exact same position that Graham
had taken the first day.

"I try my best." Xander chuckled nervously. "But I'm a carpenter, not a
care-taker. Sometimes, it's hard to know how to react to some things."

"What kind of things?"

"He? he takes at least two or three showers a day, somtimes as many as five.
And probably a lot more, since I work during the day. And most of the time,
I find him sobbing, sitting on the floor of the bathroom, saying stuff like:
'I'm so dirty, can't get clean.'" Xander clenched his fists. "Sometimes, he
won't even let me get near him."

Doctor Tompson gently laid her hand on Xander's. "Most rape victims react
that way. They can still feel the hands of their agressors on their bodies,
touching them, taking away their innocence, soiling their bodies in ways no
dirt can. It's not easy for them to learn to love their bodies again after
such an event."

"Yeah." Xander said simply. "I just don't know what to say. Once, the first
time, he even asked ME to clean him. But? I don't understand what he wants
me to do." He looked pleadingly at the doctor.

Eleanor smiled encouragingly. "Exactly what you?ve been doing for now. It's
already a lot for Graham. Most rape victims don't have a friend like you to
lean on." She crossed her legs and continued. "You've been with him since
the first day. You've seen what happened to him, and yet, you aren't running
away. That means a lot to Graham. It gives him hope."

"Hope of what?" Xander asked, curious.

"Hope that there're still people out there who care for him. He wasn't just
raped by just anybody, Xander. That man was his best friend. The best friend
he ever had. That hurts in ways no one can really understand. To be betrayed
by someone for whom you care so much. Yet, there you are, his friend, taking
care of him - holding him when the weight of it all is too much for him."

Xander looked down blushing. "He's one of the best friends I've ever had.
Somehow? I feel like it's my duty to do it. Not that I'm forced, but that?
since I saw what happened, I can? understand him better than most of the
others. I wouldn't? I wouldn't trust any of my close friends to take care of
him."

Eleanor smiled knowingly. "You've become attached to him."

Xander blushed even more. "Maybe?" He wiped his hands on his pants and ran a
hand through his hair. "I? when we first met, I sorta? I dunno, started
liking him a lot. But? it was so new, you know? and then, that happened and
it sorta? put everything on hold. But now?"

"You're with him everyday. You know him better than anyone would ever know
him. You know his deepest fears - his joys."

"Yeah, and I want him to laugh all the time. When I see him cry?" Xander put
a hand to his heart. "It hurts here. And I just want to make it better, but?
I know it's too fast. I can't? I've never? Hell, what I want to say is, I've
never thought about? that option."

Doctor Tompson looked at the clock, stood up and then looked back at Xander.
"I think you know what he meant when he asked you to make him clean again,
Xander. However, he's not ready yet and neither are you. But you need to
keep your eyes open. One day, he'll need you to show him that he's still
beautiful? For the moment, the only thing you can do is be there for him."

Xander nodded, as he stood up fidgeting nervously. "You're probably right?
uh? I'm thinking I might need? mmm? a psychiatrist myself? maybe I can come
see you, huh? sometime?"

Eleanor smiled. "It would be my pleasure. Now, Graham's waiting for you."

"Yeah, thanks Elena." And with that, Xander left.

****

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