Sorry it took so long to get the last part out. I've been having
trouble with the very last scene, but I think I finally managed to
write it properly. Thanks to Michelle! *giggle*

Big Thanks to Meg for all the last-minute help with word choices and
expressions and to Helen for the wonderful beta. Love ya both. Also
sending my love to Siege, who's head over heels in her books and
thesis stuff. Miss you lots, my lovely.

Happy birthday to CJ still. *giggle* been more than a month, but this
still his bday prezzie. *hugs*

***

Chapter 4: Fears

"Here we are." Xander said, as he stopped the car in front of the
building. "You'll be?"

"Yes, Xander, I'll be fine." Graham smiled as he got out of the
car. "You ask me that everytime."

Xander chuckled. "It's becoming tradition."

Graham laughed lightly and shook his head. "Bye Xan, I'll call you
when I'm done." He smiled and closed the car door as Xander waved and
started the engine.

The ex-marine walked up the stairs into the building and made his way
to Dr Tompson's office.

****

Elena sat down on her chair and smiled at Graham, who was now lying
down on his back on the futon, his head turned on the side so he
could look at the young psychologist. "How's Xander doing?" She asked
out of the blue, watching closely for Graham's reaction. As she had
anticipated, the young man blushed and looked away

Graham twisted his hands together and answered, his voice
wavering: "He's great."

Elena smiled knowingly. "And you, how do you feel?"

The ex-marine looked at her and smiled nervously. "I'm good.
Confused, scared, but doing better." He answered, gracefully swinging
his legs over the edge of the futon as he sat up.

Elena nodded, noticing Graham's reticence. "Have you thought about
your feelings for him?"

The young man closed his eyes, as he remembered their last session.
The psychologist had asked Graham what he felt for Xander ? really ?
and when he'd been unable to answer clearly, she had asked him to
think about it, that the answer might be important for him.

And now, as Dr. Tompson was asking the question again, even though
indirectly, something was telling Graham that she already knew what
his answer would be. "He's part of the reason why I'm scared and
confused." Graham's voice wavered as he spoke. His hands clenching
the soft mattress of the futon. "I'm so fucking scared."

Elena tried to meet his eyes, but he wouldn't open them to look at
her. "Scared of what, Graham?" She prodded gently, after he'd kept
silent for a few minutes.

"Myself. These?" He stopped to take a deep breath. "The feelings I
have. It scares me, because I'm not supposed to feel this way about
Xander. It's wrong. Like I'm? like I'm taking advantage of him. I? I
did what you asked me to and I thought? a lot? But now, I'm? I'm
scared shitless." He finally looked at Elena, his eyes reflecting his
words. "I'm? I think? I'm not sure, but I think? I might be falling
for him. And I'm not suppose to be feeling this way? because?
because?" Twisting his hands together, he looked away. "I fall for my
friends. It's like pathological with me and I've never acted on it
before, always walked away. Partly because I was gay and in the
military, but I didn't want to lose them. Lose what we had? and the
one time," Graham swallowed past the lump in his throat, his eyes
burning with unshed tears. "The one time I stayed and tried? well, we
all know how well that turned out. I don't? I don't want to lose
Xander." He took several deep breaths, trying to get a hold of
himself before he started sobbing. "I'm not supposed to fall for
him." Graham continued after a few minutes, his voice hoarse and
low. "And? and maybe I'm not falling for? maybe I feel this way
because he takes care of me and not because it's him. And that would
be so unfair to him and I'm so fucking confused, because it's not
clear why I feel what I feel and I'm trying not to feel like this, so
hard, and? He's not even gay." He finally stopped, whispering the
last more for himself than for the doctor.

"You're scared because you're confused about why you have feelings
for Xander," Elena summed up, stoically.

Graham nodded. "I don't? know? I'm not supposed to feel like this.
Not more than friends."

"Graham why don't you think you're worthy of feeling more? What did
you do that could make you not worthy of falling in love?" Elena
said. "Remember what we talked about last week. When you have
thoughts like this, you have to tell yourself to stop? to just stop
thinking that way. You know it's not true; you are worthy of love."
When Graham didn't say anything, she continued. "Your heart feels for
Xander and you know it, but you're trying to rationalize it, make it
not real, to push it away. At the same time, you don't want to push
it too far, because Xander is so important to you right now." Elena
looked pensive. "Why are you trying to 'not' feel that way? Why is it
that you're punishing yourself?"

Graham's eyes were cast on the floor. "He's not gay. I don't? don't
want to push him into something? and," his voice became but a
whisper, "I might get hurt."

"You're afraid Xander will hurt you?"

Graham's head shot up as if she'd said something unbelievable. "No!
He wouldn't? he'd never? he's so careful. With everything he says, or
does? he's always afraid that he'll hurt me. He'd never hurt me? at
least not intentionally."

"Ah." Elena nodded. "Then why are you afraid you might get hurt?" She
asked, repeating his own words.

Graham shook his head. "It's not? I don't know. The only thing I'm
really sure of is that Xander would never hurt me. Intentionally." He
sighed, gripping his head in his hands. "But, I'm still scared."

"You need to talk to Xander about your feelings." Elena said in a
firm voice.

Graham looked up sharply. "I can't! What if he hates me afterwards?"

"Why would he hate you Graham? He knows you, he's been through all
this with you, he's always been there for you to lean on when you
needed him. He'll understand."

"But what if he doesn't? love me that way?"

"Graham, even if he doesn't love you like you do him, it will never
change the fact that he is your friend. Talking to him about how you
feel will help you."

"Do I really have to?"

"You don't have to do everything I ask you to, Graham. I will never
force you to do something with which you're not comfortable. But you
are here so that I can help you, and talking to Xander about the way
you feel for him WILL help you. If only to understand what you really
feel."

Graham sighed. "I guess I have no choice then."

Elena shook her head gently. "You always have a choice Graham,
always. You're the one making the final decision here. I'm not saying
you absolutely have to talk to him tonight, just that you should do
it when you think the timing is right."

Graham nodded and looked at his watch. He was about to stand up when
Elena stopped him.

"Wait a few more minutes, all right? I wanted to talk to you about
the appeal."

Graham grimaced and took his head in his hands, waiting.

****

"Gray? Wanna go out tonight?" Xander asked as he pushed the frozen
pizza in the oven later that evening.

Graham walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, still
towelling his hair. "I? maybe. You wanna go somewhere?" He sat down
at the table, trying to act casual, even if he knew that Xander
wasn't clueless as to how many showers he'd taken that day.

"I was thinking of going to the Bronze. Buffy and Willow will be
there." Xander replied, sitting on the chair across from Graham. "I
thought I'd ask if you wanted to come with." He's still not ready,
Xander thought, as he eyed his friend's reaction.

Graham took a deep breath and thought about it. "Sure, I'll go." He
stood up again, nervous.

"Hey, if you don't want to go, it's ok, I'm not pushing." Xander
tried to calm his friend down.

"No." Graham shook his head. "I want to go. I mean, it's time. I feel
up to it. Maybe? maybe I should just? take a shower?" He added,
before realizing how stupid it sounded.

Xander looked at him, concerned. "Gray, that would be your fifth
shower today, nevermind the fact that your hair's still wet from the
last one." Xander stood up and gently laid his hand on Graham's
shoulder, withdrawing as he felt the ex-marine wince at his
touch. "What's going on? You're? back to square one. I thought? all
these months and seeing Elena, you were doing better."

Graham sat back on his chair, closing his eyes and taking his head in
his hands.

"Is that appeal stuff getting to you?" Xander asked, kneeling before
his friend and trying to make Graham look at him.

"It's in a week Xan." Graham whispered, still averting his friend's
eyes. He understood Xander's concern, but still, to have to go
through all of it again? it was frightening.

"Hey, you know what Captain Halliway and Elena told you." Xander
said, lifting Graham's chin until their eyes met. "You don't have to
go. They're not trying to question the judges' verdict. They're only
trying to alleviate Riley's sentence by showing evidence of mental
illness and something about illicit drugs in his system? kinda like
after Walsh died." Xander gently brushed his fingers over Graham's
left cheek. "They know he's guilty, Gray. Riley knows what he did and
he won't try deny it like he did at the trial. The only thing is that
they can't understand how he could act that way."

Graham nodded. "I know. Something was wrong."

"Yes." Xander blushed as he realized just how close to Graham he was.
He gently took his hands away and sat on his heels. "They did some
tests and found out about the drugs. They'll use that, and the doctor
that told them about it, to alleviate the sentence, but that won't
change the verdict."

"But?" Graham felt his stomach tighten. "What if he gets out of jail?
Just because of that?"

Xander shook his head. "I'm sure he won't, Gray. I'm sure he won't."
The young man repeated, reassuring both himself and his friend. "The
judge said it; what he did to you is unforgivable, no matter what
Riley's going to say or do."

"But they're trying?"

"Gray, they'll be trying, true. They want Riley to still have a life
when he gets out, which is understandable. Maybe not something we
want, but the fact that Riley's acknowledging his actions is a step
in the right direction, don't you think?" Xander waited for a moment,
but Graham didn't move or say a word. "Look, Gray, you can't hide in
here forever, taking showers every three hours. You need to go out,
see people. Live." Xander laid his hands on his friend's. "Don't let
yourself waste away because of him, Graham. You're alive. Beautiful
and healthy. Here."

The intensity of Xander's words made Graham shiver. Beautiful, he
said I was beautiful, he thought before finally looking up. "You're
right. When are we leaving?"

Xander smiled and stood up. "As soon as we've eaten something. The
pizza should be ready in a few minutes." He said, as he looked in the
oven. He was feeling a bit embarrassed at his outburst, but it had
had the effect he wanted. Graham was smiling. Xander shook his head
at his discomfort. He had been talking with Elena every week about
redefining his identity. It was hard to think of himself as something
other than totally heterosexual and to realize that women didn't
attract him as much as they used to. But Xander had finally
acknowledged the intensity of what he felt for Graham and that had
helped. It had slowly become easier.

Graham stood up. "I'll set the table. Smells good."

Xander closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "Pizza." He said, in a
pleased tone, eliciting a chuckle from Graham.

They prepared their dinner in silence. Punctuated by awkward moments
when one of them anticipated the other's request without words, as if
they'd been doing this for years. Graham couldn't help thinking that
they fit well together, before shaking his head. He had promised
himself that he wouldn't start thinking of Xander that way. The
brunette was his best friend, and Graham didn't want that to change,
especially now that he needed him so much.

"Will you go?" Graham whispered.

Xander turned away from the oven. "Um?"

"To? to the court for the appeal, will you go?" Graham asked, looking
down, his hands in his pocket. He looked so vulnerable worrying his
lip between his teeth as he waited for Xander's answer.

Xander's heart skipped a beat at the sight. "If you want me to, I'll
go." He answered, walking to Graham's side. "Do you want me to?"

Graham nodded. "It'd? make me feel better to know that?" He felt
stupid as he asked and couldn't bring himself to say more.

"Someone's making sure he's not getting out?" Xander finished looking
serious.

Graham nodded again, looking up directly into Xander's eyes. For a
moment, they stayed there, not moving, their eyes locked together.
Xander shivered at the intensity of Graham's gaze and felt himself
blush as his heart started to beat faster. Shyly, he lowered his head
and looked down. "Better look at that pizza." Xander muttered as he
walked by Graham to look at their dinner.

"Yeah." Graham mumbled a bit dumbfounded. It sounded a bit crazy, but
Graham had been sure he'd seen 'that' look in Xander's? Nah, it was
stupid? Xander couldn't feel that way? not after everything that
happened. The ex-marine shook his head at the thought and finished
setting the table, still a bit shocked.

****

Xander and Graham walked back to their apartment in silence. After
what had just happened, Xander didn't know what to say. He had seen
the way Graham had jumped when the young man at the bar had touched
his shoulder.

Xander closed the door of the apartment behind them and shed his
coat, as Graham walked into the living room and sat on the couch.

"Gray?" Xander asked gently, as he watched Graham withdraw into
himself on the couch. "What is it? Did something bother you?"

Graham shook his head, still looking down. Even he wasn't fooled by
his answer.

"Then what is it?" Xander asked again, even more gently, as he sat
beside his friend and placed his hand on Graham's own hand. He just
knew something was bothering Graham and it was more than only the
fact that the appeal was only a week away.

"Really, it's not that?" Graham started, slowly, before giving in. "I
was scared, but not of him, his touch. It was? the way he looked at
me. I just? When I saw his eyes, it was like? I saw Riley there and
I? I sank back into? whatever I was with him." He sighed, twisting
his hands. "It's like, I'm trapped by what he taught me. Always being
submissive? always his pleasure, never mine. It's what I've been
trained for, and when I caught his eyes, I realized something? what
if I never? what if I can't stop being like?" He stopped not able to
go on. "But I'm not ready to try and see." Graham finished,
whispering, careful not to look at Xander.

"I'm no psychologist," Xander started, gently. "But, I think you'd be
able to overcome that. With someone who really cared for you, loved
you. If you were being forced into another relationship, then you'd
go back to being submissive, but otherwise, with someone you love and
who loves you in return, you'd be all right." The brunette tried to
sound comforting.

Graham nodded slowly. "I think that's the reason I? reacted as I did,
back at the club." Graham whispered. "The guy, he? he just sat there
and leered at me. I didn't know who he was and I got scared and then
he touched me? And I could feel myself retreating? just like I use to
do with? and then I panicked."

Xander wrapped his arm around Graham's shoulder, relieved that the
other man didn't push him away as he had feared. "I understand Gray,
it's ok." He whispered soothingly.

For a moment, they both stayed silent, Xander rocking his friend as
he debated whether or not to tell Graham about the way he felt. No
matter if he was scared shitless of his own feelings, he couldn't
deny the jealousy and then the protectiveness that had surged through
him when he had seen the guy at the club, sitting so close to Graham
and then touching him. Xander couldn't push the feelings away
anymore; he had done so for more than ten months now, ever since that
night neither of them liked to talk about, but it was time to let go
of the fear. Taking a deep breath, Xander lowered his head on
Graham's shoulder and tightened his hold. "Gray, I think? I think I
need to tell you something?"

Graham waited patiently, pressing further into his friend's embrace,
feeling safe for the first time in months. His stomach tightened in
anticipation.

"I'm? I think? I'm falling in love with you." Xander whispered
turning to face Graham and holding his gaze, even when the temptation
was so strong to look down.

Speechless, the ex-marine didn't know what to say, or do. He shook
his head, trying to process what Xander had just told him. "I? are?
what? are you sure?" Graham finally asked, his heart pounding in his
chest. Xander was falling in love with him. Xander loved him. HIM. He
loved Graham. With a child's awe, the older man stared at the
brunette.

"Yes. I? I want to be with you all the time, make sure you're alright
and that you have everything you need, I want to go out with you,
laugh with you, hang out with you? I want you around me all the time.
But?" Xander sighed. "I'm scared. I've never? shit, Gray, I'm just
scared."

Graham took one look at Xander's face before changing their position
and gathering the younger man in his arms, gently. "I know? I know.
I'm scared shitless too, but just to know? it's? it feels SO good
Xander." He whispered in Xander's ear, a wonderful warming feeling
sweeping through him at the feel of Xander's body pressed against his
own. It felt right.

Xander shivered under Graham's touch. He snuggled closer into the
tight embrace and let himself be held. Graham was right, it felt
wonderful. "It's scary. To find myself falling in love with a man.
Especially you." Xander whispered back, closing his eyes.

"Why so?" Graham asked, gently running his hands up and down Xander's
back, trying to soothe Xander like Xander had soothed him so many
times.

Xander turned his head just enough to be staring in the other man's
eyes. "I don't want to hurt you. You've been hurt so much. I'm so
inexperienced and I can be so stupid sometimes, what if I mess
everything up?"

Graham's breath caught in his throat. "Oh, baby." He gasped,
tightening his hold on the other man. "You won't ever hurt me. And
you're not ?" The ex-marine was about to keep on talking when he
heard Xander's chuckle. "What is it?" He asked, dumbfounded.

Xander smiled and gave Graham a quick kiss on the cheek, that seemed
to linger on, burning. "Nothing. Just that no one's ever called me
baby before. Well, except my parents when I was a toddler that is."

Graham laughed lightly at that. "Well, I think it fits you, not in
the 'you're still a toddler' kind of way, but in the 'you're so hot
baby' way." Graham blushed furiously as he just realised what he'd
said. "What I meant was?"

Xander silenced him, pressing a finger to the other man's lips. "I
know what you meant. It's ok. You're hot too." He blushed, but didn't
look away. If he was going to give this relationship a try, then he
was going to face his own feelings. However embarrassing they might
be at the moment. Xander let his hand fall away from Graham's mouth,
trailing tentative fingers over the man's sculpted jaw.

Graham chuckled, his breath tickling across Xander's fingers and
looked into Xander's eyes. They fell silent. For what seemed like an
eternity, they stayed there, watching each other's eyes, each other's
soul. Unable to stop himself, Graham closed his eyes and leaned in,
pressing his lips to Xander's. The kiss was chaste, their lips barely
brushed against each other's. Tentative, yet oh so sweet.

Xander pulled away still staring at Graham. His tongue ran over his
bottom lip before he cleared his throat. "We'll take this slow. For
both of us. Ok?"

Graham nodded, still feeling Xander's lips on his. "Yeah. We both got
lots to learn." He said gently, as he laid his head on Xander's
shoulder.

Xander smiled. "Yeah."

For a while neither of them moved, just revelling in the feel of
having the other in their arms. Soon though, it was time to move.
Xander gently untangled himself from Graham's embrace and stood
up. "It's late. I'd best go to bed. I'm working in 7 hours." He
yawned, as he helped Graham to his feet.

Graham kept Xander's hand in his own and gently brushed his tumb over
the back. "Sleep tight Xan." He murmured leaning in and chastly
kissing the other man.

As Graham gently let go of his hand and walked to his room, Xander
could feel his heart flutter. A dopey smile stretched his lips and he
shook his head. God, he was becoming a real sap. Love can do that to
you, he thought, turning around and heading to his own room. Love?
yup, definately love.

****
***

Epilogue: Hide With Me

Xander opened the door of the apartment. He was just now back from
the court, having first listened to the judge's new decision about
Riley and then talked with Graham's lawyer for a long time. He knew
Graham had been waiting for him to come back sooner, but Xander had
really wanted as much precision as he could gather on how the appeal
worked, before coming back to his boyfriend. He knew Graham would
have some questions and he wanted to be able to answer them.

His boyfriend. The thought made Xander smile. He deposited the small
package he was holding on the table beside the door and walked into
the appartment, looking around at the empty living room. "Graham?" He
called out gently. Somehow, he knew Graham wouldn't be waiting for
him but would rather be either taking a shower, or hiding.

Noting that the shower wasn't on and the bathroom door was open,
showing no one was inside, Xander began a silent search through the
apartment, trying to find Graham.

"Graham?" Xander asked softly as he entered Graham's bedroom.

"In here." Came the muffled reply.

Xander frowned, figuring out where the sounds had come from then
turned to open Graham's closet door. "Hey, what are you doing in
there?"

"Hiding." Graham answered, matter-of-factly, as if it was the most
obvious thing in the world. He was curled in on himself, arms wrapped
around his knees, his head resting on them. He was scared and looked
like he had been crying.

"I see that." Xander smiled gently.

"Hide with me?" Graham asked Xander, with a pleading look.

Xander's heart melted and he threw some shoes and boots out of the
closet to make some room. Without a word, he sat on the floor and
closed the door.

As soon as blackness returned, Graham leaned his head on Xander's
shoulder and tried to get as close to the other man as possible.
Taking the hint, Xander wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's
shivering body and hugged him close. "Why are we hiding?" He
whispered so very gently in Graham's ear.

Graham stayed silent for a long while, trying to understand his own
fears so Xander could understand them too. "I? I love the dark. It's
quiet. The dreams, they don't come in here and I? I can't see."

Xander closed his eyes seeking strength and kissed Graham's
forehead. "What is it you don't want to see, just the dreams?"

Graham shook his head against Xander's shoulder and muttered almost
inaudibly: "I'm dirty, ugly. Don't want to see me."

Xander could feel the tears threatening to gather in his eyes and he
tenderly stroked his hands up and down Graham's back. "You're not
dirty, you're all clean, beautiful." He whispered, as he felt
Graham's shivers slowly leave the ex-marine's body.

"I'm beautiful?" Graham asked, his voice hoarse with emotion.

"Yes. Want me to show you?" Xander asked, as he remembered what Elena
had told him all those months ago. He, at least, was ready, Now was
the time to find out if Graham was, too.

Graham smiled shyly, even though Xander couldn't see. "Yes." He
whispered. He really meant it. He wanted Xander to show him he was
still beautiful. Maybe he would cleanse him.

Xander held his arms around Graham's waist. "Under one condition," he
said lightly.

Graham stiffened at Xander's casually voiced words; Riley used to
give him ultimatums and orders in the same friendly tone. Graham's
blue eyes peered up at the other man warily, his white teeth digging
nervously into his lower lip.

Xander frowned when Graham seemed to shrink in on himself. He
wondered what had happened, but then realized what he'd just said. He
gently squeezed Grahams' hip as what he said sank in. God! Sometimes
he was so stupid.

"God, Graham no. Not like that. I would never do that to you.
Never. I meant that, it's a two way thing for me. I show you how
beautiful you are and I? I want?" Xander took a deep breath. "I want
my boyfriend to show me how beautiful I am too."

Graham's breath caught in his throat and he closed his eyes, several
tears broke free from beneath his closed eyelids, trailing wetly down
his face. "Xan? boyfriend?"

"Yes." Xander answered, his own voice hoarse with unshed
tears. "Boyfriend. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs for
everyone to hear. I want to tell Willow and Buffy and Giles, I want
to tell the world, Graham. With me, you won't ever have to hide,
never again. You're my love, my life, my everything."

Graham took a deep breath, trying not to start sobbing in? relief,
happiness, he wasn't really sure. But it still felt so good to hear
Xander say those things to him. "Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"You're the most beautiful man I've ever known. And not just
physically."

Xander smiled in the dark closet. "Then show me?"

Graham gently untangled himself from Xander's embrace and stood up,
careful not to hit his head, helping Xander to his feet. "I'll show
you anytime you want me to."

"Xan? What? what happened to? at?" Graham tried to ask, as Xander
hugged him close again.

Xander took Graham's hand in his and tangled their fingers
together. "He's still doing the seven years, that hasn't changed.
Only? he gets to do them in a mental institution instead of a prison."

"Why?"

"He asked for it. He knew something was wrong. He even confessed to
hurting Buffy that same night. He said he needed help controlling his
bursts of anger and that the prison wouldn't be 'it'." Xander stopped
for a moment, remembering Riley's face, as he stood in front of the
judges. "He had a black eye, and according to Captain Halliway, it's
the remnants of a fight. Well, more like he got beaten up a few weeks
back." He took a deep breath. "Anyway, the judges said that Riley was
still going to serve his seven years, not one day less, but they
agreed to send Riley to a mental institution. Especially after
Captain Kawk showed them some evidence of instability. I wasn't
really following at that point though. I think Captain Kawk said
something about the drugs and how it had affected Riley's mentality.
The doctor? you know the one that told them about the drugs? Well, he
came and admitted to having been experimenting with new drugs on
Riley before the incident. Without Riley having any knowledge of it."
Xander stopped for a second before continuing. "Riley never tried to
deny what he did, he took full responsibility for it. He's just
trying to get help controlling himself so he'll never hurt anybody
else."

Graham leaned against Xander's shoulder. "Good." He said simply,
holding on to Xander as a boat would his anchor.

Xander gently untangled himself from Graham's embrace, taking the
other man's hands in his own. "Come on, Gray, lets get out of this
closet together, ok?" Xander said gently, as he opened the door. He
felt Graham take a deep breath just as the light from the bedroom
started invading the closet. They both stepped out, hand in hand.
Ready to face their fears. Not alone. Together.

"No more hiding?" Xander asked gently.

Graham shook his head, blushing. "You? you'll do what you said you
would?"

Xander grinned. "Oh, I will. Tonight, tomorrow, next week, in ten
years. I'll show you just how beautiful you are to me." He stopped,
thinking about the package he left on the table by the door. "Give me
just a second to get something and I'll be right here with you. Ok?"
Xander asked, before leaning in and gently kissing Graham's inviting
lips.

The ex-marine nodded, letting Xander go, and turned back to look at
the room, brushing over his lips with the tip of his fingers. Smiling
tenderly he dimmed the light and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting,
but not hiding.

****

Taking a deep breath, Xander retrieved the small package from where
he'd dropped it earlier and headed back to Graham's room. He took in
the dimmed lights and Graham's form on the bed. For the first time in
months the ex-marine seemed relaxed, almost happy. Xander perched on
the edge of the bed, beside his still form, twisting the bow in his
fingers.

"Um? here's? it's just a little something. And if you don't like it,
I understand totally. Kind of a thing. I just? yeah. So open it."

Graham frowned, his gaze flickering wildly between the box and
Xander's blushing face, before taking the offered pakage.

"The girl at the jewelry store said it'd be perfect, but you know? it
could be too much too fast or something. If it is, I want you to tell
me and I'll take it back. Promise. But I just thought?"

"Shhh Xan? hush a second, okay?" Graham pressed his fingers against
Xander's lips and smiled.

Xander held his breath, watching as Graham's fingers tugged the knot
from a golden bow and lifted the lid. There, nestled amongst an
insane amount of blue tissue paper, lay his gift - an ID bracelet,
Graham's name emblazoned on the surface. It shone, even in the dim
light, but nothing could eclipse the smile on the recipient's face.

"Xander, it's beautiful."

With an answering, although still nervous, smile, Xander flipped the
metal trinket over to reveal the surprise. "I had it inscribed...I,
um...hope you don't mind. It reads, 'Where there is love there is
life.' Everybody can use a reminder now and then, right?"

"Gandhi." Graham said slowly, stunned by his boyfriend's gift. He
took the bracelet from Xander's hands and looked at the engraved
quote. "Xander, this is beautiful. It's?" He turned to face the other
man, tears watering his eyes. "Thank you."

"Hey, don't cry." Xander chuckled, his own eyes watering. "It's
nothing. Just a little reminder, yeah? Want me to?" He waved at
Graham's wrist.

"Sure." The ex-marine held up his arms and gave the bracelet to
Xander.

After fumbling with the clasp for a few seconds, Xander defeated it
and slipped the gift over Graham's hand. With a grin, he fastened it,
fingertips caressing the metal fondly. "It looks good." He whispered,
not taking his eyes off Graham's wrist.

"It's perfect." The other replied, his hand reaching to lift Xander's
chin. "Just like you."

Xander blushed deeply and tried to look down.

"No. Please, don't look away. I need? need you to look at me." Graham
said, trying to keep eye contact with Xander, it made him more
courageous to see his boyfriend's eyes looking at him. He could face
everything with Xander at his side. "You're beautiful and perfect.
And I? I love you."

Xander's heart caught in his throat. "Graham? I? I?"

Graham smiled gently and brushed the back of his hand over Xander's
red and hot cheek. "It's ok, baby, I know." He glanced at the
bracelet on his wrist, vowing to himself that it would never leave
his arm, ever. "I know." He repeated, leaning in and capturing
Xander's lips in a tender kiss.

Their lips lingered for a moment, their breaths ghosting over
sensitive flesh. Xander pulled away and backed off the bed, pulling
Graham with him. They stood face to face and brought their lips
together once more as they held each other, hands lightly resting on
arms and hips.

Xander gently moved his hands up and down Graham's arms, caressing
them with teasing touches.

Graham chuckled into the kiss and moved his own hands up Xander's
back, his fingers tracing circles over the shirt.

Finally breaking apart, Xander opened his eyes and gazed into
Graham's. "Can I?" He whispered, as he tentatively placed his hands
at the hem of Graham's shirt.

The older man's heart started to beat faster, but the love shining in
Xander's eyes calmed him down considerably. Nothing would happen to
him tonight that he didn't want; Xander wouldn't hurt him. Graham
nodded and helped Xander take his shirt off him before they did the
same to the younger man.

Xander gently caressed Grahan from cheek to hip, using just the tips
of his fingers. He felt himself harden in expectation, but didn't pay
it any attention. His heart started to beat faster as he trailed his
eyes back up to looked into Graham's. Xander was amazed at the
softness of the other man's skin; Graham was so perfect, so
beautiful. With their eyes still locked, Graham took Xander's hand
and moved back to the bed, where they lay down face to face.

Graham gently brushed his hand over the younger man's cheek, down to
his jaw, before curling his hand around the back of Xander's neck and
bringing their lips together once again. Graham broke the contact
between their lips and looked down the length of Xander's body. His
eyes widened at the sight of Xander's erection straining against the
other man's pants. His hands tightened painfully on the back of
Xander's neck as their gazes met and held. Realizing what he was
doing, he quickly released his grip and licked his lips nervously.
Truthfully, he was probably just as hard as Xander, but he couldn't
think of that. Graham knew he wasn't ready to consummate his
relationship with Xander, not yet. Maybe not for a long time. He
just hoped Xander would understand. "Xan, I want? I want to touch
you, but I? I can't?" he pulled his hips away from Xander's as he
spoke, trying desperately to make him understand.

Xander shushed him with a chaste kiss. "Whatever you want, Graham."
He said gently. "When you're ready."

"No sex. I'm not ready yet." Graham whispered more to himself than to
Xander.

Xander nodded and smiled tenderly, brushing his fingers over Graham's
cheek before cradling his head gently. "You're beautiful Gray. So
perfect." He leaned forward as if to kiss Graham again, then smiled,
langourously licking his lips, before dropping to press a kiss on
Graham's shoulder. Teasing. "Touch, that's what it's all about."
Xander captured Graham's hand in his own and placed it on his
hip. "I'm not ready either, not for? that. But I want to learn you,
your feel, your smell, your taste. Tonight is not about sex, it's
about learning. I'm learning you, you're learning me. That's all this
is about," he whispered, smiling against Graham's skin, before
pulling away to look at him. "If that's okay?"

Graham smiled, tenderly pressing his lips against Xander's forehead,
his temple, the line of his jaw. He rested there, wondering what he'd
done to deserve someone so wonderful in his life. A small sound of
appreciation from Xander encouraged him. He trailed his hands over
Xander's chest. "You're so soft." He whispered, staring at his
lover's hard body.

"So are you, Gray." Xander hands moved of their own accord over
Graham's chest. "You're all hard muscles and angles and? it's sorta
weird."

Graham chuckled and blushed. "A good weird, right?" He asked,
nervously.

Xander smiled brightly and kissed Graham's torso, just over his
heart. "A very very good weird. You're beautiful. It's weird because
I'm not used to this, but? God you're beautiful."

"You're adorable, Xander." Graham replied, sighing happily and
relaxing into Xander's arms, as they wound around his body.

The younger man smiled into Graham's hair, relishing the feel of
another muscular chest pressed against his own. Xander cradled his
lover's head in the crook of his shoulder and smiled as he felt
Graham's heart thumping gently against his skin. Xander felt Graham's
erection pressing against his thigh and the sensation settled him.
Somehow, he knew Graham really would be ok with this eventually and
they would both be able to find their release in each other's arms.

"Xander?" Graham mumbled warmly against the damp skin of Xander's
neck.

"Yeah?"

"Aren't we supposed to be touching?" Graham asked, almost chuckling.

"Isn't cuddling good too?" Xander closed his eyes and breathed in the
scent of his boyfriend.

"Cuddling is good? cuddling is more than good." Graham sighed
happily, burrowing his head into Xander's chest.

The End


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