THE HAIR GLITCH PROJECT
BY: Wirrrn
PART: 1 of 1
ARCHIVE: You Break It, You Bought It.
DISTRIBUTION: Wherever Xander gets to be "Kitchen
Buddies" with Angel, Doyle, Spike, Snyder...basically
*anyone* but Joyce.
PAIRING: Xander/Angel/Graham/Riley/Spike. Be afraid.
SPOILERS: None for BTVS or Angel, but familiarity with
The Blair Witch Project's "Heathercam" tent confession
is mandatory. Haven't seen it? Go rent it and watch it
now. We'll wait for you.
SUMMARY: There's lots of men going down in the woods
today.
DISCLAIMER: All the BuffyBoys belong to Mutant Enemy,
at least until my Acme CoupKit comes through the mail.
Mike, Heather, Joss- er, Josh and all things Blair
Witchy belong to Artisan/Haxan films. Hey-isn't that
Joss Whedon standing over there in the corner- aargh!!
NOTES: Repeated viewings of the BWP, acute Bailey
Chase-withdrawal (and not in a good way) and Joey RA's
account of a trip to the rain forest (well, what's
left of it thanks to our government) contributed to
this madness.
FEEDBACK: Welcomed at WIRRRN@YAHOO.COM ... Do not
touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. If he
attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do
you understand?
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THE HAIR GLITCH PROJECT

by
WIRRRN

"First rule of Wilderness Survival,boy; Conceal
your nakedness"
HOMER: CALL OF THE SIMPSONS

"I remember my first Summer Camp.
One night, my sister put a Black Widow egg-sac
down my sleeping bag. The following day, I was the
proud mother of 500 lively babies..."
TED JOHNSON: RED MEAT

"I say we jam the car into reverse and get the hell
out of this forest.
-I've seen enough horror movies to know
a weird guy wearing a mask is *never* friendly"
FRIDAY THE 13TH VI: JASON LIVES

- - - - - - - - - -

On January 22nd, 2000, several college students
College went camping in the woods outside Sunnydale,
California, to avoid having to submit a documentary
film for their American Cinema Studies course, and
disappeared.

A year later their footage was found.

Film maker Joss Whedon stated that he'd be interested
in turning the footage into a weekly series once he'd
"edited out or downplayed all the homoerotic subtext
and recast the lead from a gorgeous brown-eyed hunk to
some skinny-assed Aryan bitch."

A day later, Joss Whedon disappeared.

* * * *

A TV MONITOR IN CLOSEUP, WHITE-NOISE FILLS THE SCREEN,
STATIC THE AIRWAVES.

SUDDENLY, A PICTURE BURSTS INTO LIFE ON THE MONITOR-
THE CAMERA IS ENTIRELY FILLED WITH A *SERIOUS* CLOSEUP
(WE'RE TALKING SCANNING ELECTRON MICROSCOPE HERE,
PEOPLE) OF A YOUNG MAN'S FACE, TWENTY-SOMETHING,
SQUARE-JAWED AND WITH CLEAR BLUE/GREY EYES TOM CRUISE
WOULD SELL NICOLE KIDMAN TO AN ORGANIC FERTILIZER
COMPANY FOR. THE YOUNG MAN TALKS DIRECTLY TO THE
CAMERA IN A TENSE VOICE.

GRAHAM: "I'd just like to apologize to Xander's
parents and my parents and Angel's hairstylist and
Buffy's mom. I'm so sorry...I mean for this situation
we're in now, not for the fact that Joyce wore the
same bathrobe every day for a year; What, was the
tumor pressing on her flanelette gland, or something?
And she runs an antique art gallery? Unless it
features Elizabethan plumbing fixtures I can't see her
breaking even...

Um, anyway, I'm real sorry; because despite the fact
that Angel was sucking me off at the time and my
judgement was somewhat...compromised -the guy could
suck the mitre right of the Pope's head- (sorry,
Riley) I still made the decision to let Xander ride in
the back of the van with the twinkies and the
marshmallows. I was naive...I was very naive. But he
told me he was diabetic, dammit! I've only known the
guy for six months, and only four of those carnally.
Four and a half if you count the time we were trying
to avoid being skewered by Adam's appendages long
enough to get in some appendage skewering of our own.

So all of what happened after that is my fault. I
mean, it's true that we didn't have a destination
picked out for the camping trip per-se; Xander kept
muttering about something called "Wonkaland", but I'm
pretty sure that he was just raving in his sugar coma;
and when he wasn't playing that damn Joan Osbourne
song on the radio (if I hear it one more time I'm
gonna track her down and give her the opportunity to
see for *herself* what God looks like) he kept
suggesting we go visit someplace called Gatlin,
Nebraska. I tell you, if it wasn't for his constant
demands for male to male lovin' and knowledge of how
batteries work (and which ones to use in certain
implements we won't go into here) I'd swear he was
Amish, or something. If he ever asks me to blow him
whilst sitting on a milking stool again, I swear I'll
get Spike to tell Harmony that Ri has the hots for
her.

Anyway, we decided, somehow, on camping out in
Sunnydale forest. But on the ride there, between Riley
constantly stopping to take photos of cereal crops,
Angel having to bite Xander every few minutes to stop
his blood from turning into sugar crystals, and Spike
looking out the back window, switching into GameFace
when he thought we weren't looking and running cars
behind us off the road, I guess I left Angel's
hair-care kit behind after Anya

(Xander plays at being upset that she's put going back
to D'Hoffryn on hold to explore being being an
"immortal fag-hag", but I know he's secretly pleased
that one of his female friends thinks he and I look
hot together- and those crying jags Buffy kept going
into whenever she saw Angel and Riley making out were
getting *majorly* lame)
]
drank so much coke she said that if we didn't pull
over at the next gas station she'd do everything in
her power to give us all bladders the size of
*Gachnar's*.

God, I'm scared to close my eyes and I'm scared to
open them. *Why* did Spike pick tonight of all nights
to "forget to pack me jammies, mate"? I swear Riley
and he cooked this whole thing up to annoy me-first he
asks that Xander shares the tent with him tonight
instead of Spike,

(Xander must have been giving Ri puppy-eyes lessons-
I've *never* seen them that large before)

claiming that the British corpse *snores*,

(and does anyone else think that's wrong on several
major levels?)

then Spike does the whole birthday-suit thing and then
says that Sleeping bag, which Xander borrowed off
Giles

(see the "puppy-eyes" comment above)

smells like "Wesley", whoever that is, and insists on
sleeping *on top* of his sleeping bag.

So now I have to go to sleep with *that* sticking in
my fac- er, field of vision...Spike's just lucky it's
a calm night tonight. I mean, the first thing they
taught us in field maneuvers is that lightning is
attracted to the tallest object in a given area.

-What was that sound?

It sounded like Angel's voice, yelling. Something
about
"Gel" and dye" and "fuck-up" and "won't sit down for a
month", which is odd because the last I heard he was
heading down to the amenities block to shower before
playing hide-the-twinkie with Xan, and I...

Uh oh.

Y'know, I don't think I did leave Angel's hair-care
stuff behind at the gas station after all.

I think I sorta...kinda...maybe- switched it with
Spike's.

Wait-I heard a noise! A scrabbling at the tent flap!

Oh My God what the hell is that?!

It's Angel, looking kinda equally ticked off and
aroused and he's holding Anya's favourite dildo like
its Mr Pointy or something and... and

Oh Jesus!

HE HAS BOTTLE-BLONDE, PEROXIDED HAIR!

Oh my g-

WHITE NOISE AND STATIC.

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