-------------------------------------------------------

PRETTY GIRL YOUNG MAN OLD MAN MAN WITH A GUN

by Wirrrn

"Your mask hides the face of a man with no head.
Your mask- it is evil
Your face- it is dead."
-MTV'S THE MAXX

"Even your name is a dime-store joke."
"...Mephistopheles is *such* a mouthful in Manhattan,
Johnny..."
-Harry/Johnny to Satan, ANGEL HEART

"Teleutomyrmex: Parasitic ants that enter host
ants' nest & cling to host queen's back-
contact with her means parasite adopts colony scent
and is fed & cared for by the workers,
host colonies never realizing there is an
interloper
within their ranks"
- JOURNEY TO THE ANTS

* * * * *

TO: LinMcDon@WolfHart.com
FROM: Deep1@NineCircles.org
SUBJECT: Your Performance

Mr McDonald,

Though the Adjutant sent topside to evaluate you and
your colleagues' future with Us was ultimately
destroyed by certain souled parties of Our mutual
acquaintance, rest assured that We find your recent
work for the Firm well above the standard requiring
Our own rather literal type of Redundancy.

Your suggestion of setting up a series of e-mail
terminals here to facilitate communications between Us
and the surface was sharp, boy. Not only does the Firm
save money on the various herbs and scrolls (not to
mention overpriced Necromancer fees-the most
outrageous mark-ups outside of Carpathia) needed to
summon Us to your meetings, but We no longer need to
continually eliminate and replace janitorial staff
after they clean away incriminating remnants left in
the board-rooms after such a meeting.

Unfortunately, though We have tried to persuade her,
Mrs. Hart is still adamant she will not communicate
electronically. If you wish to summon *her*, three
quarts of blood from the Wolfram and Hart upper
management will still be required (Note that after
recent events, this means either you or Ms Morgan;
unless either of you had the foresight to mop up some
of Holland before that intolerable detective woman
showed up and bagged everything).

Mrs Hart tells me she finds electronic communications
undignified and impersonal,and that she prefers the
"blood-washed old ways". To tell the truth, though she
may indeed experience difficulty in using a mouse and
keyboard comfortably with cloven digits, as she
claims, We believe that she is simply too fond of her
self- important Archaic ceremonies to wish to adapt to
21st century technology...Clinging so unwaveringly to
the writings of the Mad Arab -One can't even *buy*
powdered cherubim wings anymore (save in certain
select black markets beneath the Vatican...)

-But she is still the senior partner, and We need her
marital connection to the Fallen Ones more than ever
given the persistent and cursed interference by the
Good Powers and their Agents ( We hear they have even
managed to recruit The Great Retribution, known as
Anyanka, to the ranks of the pious with some
empty-headed little musclemary's help. And they have
the gall to call *us* the Tempters...)

Mrs.Hart's behaviour is irksome, but understandable;
If you continue to please Us and remain in Our
favours, Boy, you will learn many Ancients are set in
their ways and refuse to change. That is why we are
becoming rare. If We are to survive, We must evolve in
tandem with an evolving world. The ravings of The Goat
With A Thousand Young and his Archaic Summoning Ritual
were fine in the Fifth century, but business these
days in done with RAM, not Ram Horn (forgive an old
man his little joke).

We will continue to talk to Mrs Hart for you; it is
unlikely that she will change her mind (or what's left
of it between that ever-spreading crest of antlers)
but We will suggest an immediate promotion for you.
This will undoubtedly be approved as you and Ms Morgan
essentially *are* Wolfram and Hart's surface contacts
now.

Soon May He Rise,

Malachi Wolfram

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: Deep1@NineCircles.Org
FROM: LinMcDon@WolfHart.com
SUBJECT: Honored Thanks

Dear Sir,

Thankyou very much for your kind and undeserved
praise. I am honored by the platitudes you sent my
way, even though this is not required- the pleasure I
get from serving you is more than enough. I'm sure
Lilah would be equally honored, if she were here; but
she's not in the office today (I believe she's still
trying to find Darla).

Re Mrs Hart; It is a shame she does not wish to use
the E-mail terminals I sent down to you, especially
after all the expense we went to to have them
heat-shielded. We *can* still contact her via the
ritual, though we couldn't reclaim Holland's body

(After being released to us by the Police, it was
returned here via the Security desk; as you know, most
of the guards are Fyarl- there wasn't much left when
we pulled them off him).

So- I've thought that perhaps we could simply grab a
few homeless, (perhaps even the odd business rival)
promote them to token positions on the board, then use
their blood whenever we need to talk with her.

Will you be coming to the office Sabbat party next
month, Sir? We'd love to see you.

Your Humble Servant,

Lindsey McDonald

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: LinMcDon@WolfHart.com
FROM: Deep1@NineCircles.org
SUBJECT: Vampyric Whores and Office Parties

Mr McDonald,

>I'm sure Lilah would be equally honored, if she was
>here, but she's not in the office today (I believe
>she's still trying to track down Darla

-You wouldn't be trying to get young Ms Morgan in
trouble with Us, would you, Lindsey? The contractors
only just finished tiling the new female executive
washroom- it would be a shame to see it stand empty


We jest, of course. We are pleased that the fact you
are both now in senior positions in the Firm has not
dampened your remarkable facility for duplicity. If we
had not gotten to you first, you would surely be
sitting in a bullet-proof glass car somewhere in Rome
by now!

Speaking of duplicity; tell Ms Morgan to discontinue
her search for Darla. It *does* annoy Us that she
spends time away from the office, but besides that, it
is unnecessary. We have spoken to Azathoth, and its
prophetic ravings do not bode many more weeks of
existence for a certain 17th century harlot. Please
tell Ms Morgan for me that it would benefit her
greatly if she stayed away from Darla for the next
month or so, particularly when William the Bloody,
Darla's errant GrandChilde, comes to town; his arrival
is the catalyst for the whore's undoing.

-Make sure you *do* tell Lilah, Lindsey- the
opportunity for a fatality-based promotion may tempt
you to develop selective amnesia, but I don't not
recommend it. I may be old, boy, but my memory is
sharper than these once proud teeth, and I seem to
recall that Miss Lilah is not the only one to have
formed...inappropriate.. romantic attachments.

Remember- "Don't let your left hand know what your
right hand is doing" may have been the words of that
hippie carpenter from Nazareth, Lindsey, but they
apply just as well to the Goat as to the Lamb. I am
well aware of what my various right hands are up to at
all times, Lindsey, even those that don't have one of
their own, anymore...

Re the office Sabbat party: sounds like great fun- see
you there. Make sure to bring that sexy new Mohrah
from accounting that all the Executives are drooling
over, and extend an invitation to our Japanese
investors- Kitsune know how to make the most marvelous
sashimi out of the meat of children abducted from
seaside communities (Whether you partake or not, will,
as always, be at your discretion)

Soon May He Rise,

Malachi Wolfram

------------------------------------------------------

TO: Deadboy@Whitelighter.org
FROM: BDonnell@Dancingbaby.Net
SUBJECT: PLEASE DON'T DELETE THIS-IT'S URGENT

Angel,

I'm sending this to you from a friend's private email
address- please don't save it-I'd prefer to keep him
out of all this, unknown to the firm; his life
expectancy will stay up that way.

Wolfram implied he knows about us Angel. I know we've
been over for a while and that we didn't have the most
pleasant of breakups. You have a right to be steamed
over what I did to you, to us, but I can't believe
you'd stoop so low as to talk about our...thing. We
could both be in serious trouble.

Lin

PS- For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: BDonnell@Dancingbaby.net
FROM: Deadboy@Whitelighter.org
SUBJECT: THIS GUY REMINDS ME OF YOU- HE'S A LAWYER TOO


cobweb.scarymonsters.net/~corleyj/mush/twoface.html

Enjoy,

A.

PS- You're right- it's not worth anything.

ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS
"Helping the Helpless since 1999"

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: BDonnell@Dancingbaby.net
FROM: Deadboy@Whitelighter.org
SUBJECT: A LONGER LETTER FROM A HEALTHIER HEADSPACE

Lindsey,

Okay, first off- Don't worry about your friend Mr
Donnell- he's quite safe. The Host set me up with a
software package that sends all correspondence through
a relay point at Lourdes- any evil tracers attached to
them are automatically destroyed. Modern technology
merging successfully with archaic magicks. Score one
for the good guys.

Secondly- I'm sorry for that first email I sent you
(an apology from me and no sledgehammers involved-
we're making progress...) It was childish and stupid,
but I'd fallen for you hard, and what you did hurt me,
Lind- if there's one thing my demon's good at it's
harboring a grudge and hurting people back. Okay
that's two things.

I didn't say anything about us to anyone, not even
Gunn or Wes. I think Cordy might suspect- not because
of the visions, but because of her own detecting
skills. Behind the vapid facade is a shrewd and active
mind. Scary, I know. So if anyone knows about you and
me at the Firm, it didn't come from my end. Could it
be that one of your co-workers is trying to stab you
in the back? (Not sure whether I'm being literal or
figurative with that remark. I love LA).

If you need help, just call. Or... maybe you could
call anyway?

Stay safe, Lind.

A.

ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS
"Helping the Helpless since 1999"

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: LinMcDon@WolfHart.com
FROM: Deep1@NineCircles.org
SUBJECT: SEARCHES, PARTIES AND SEARCH PARTIES.

Mr McDonald,

Thankyou for last week's Sabbat Party. It was most
enjoyable- When that new man from Petty Sessions-
Atticus Bird-something-or-other- got roaringly drunk
and told Us we were all going to Hell; priceless!
Well,*he* should be there by now- Mrs Hart's probably
giving him the grand tour as we speak!(that reminds
Me- did anyone get that rug in the office clean yet?
Surely *one* of the janitors knows what removes that
particular stain -doesn't anyone in this city own a
dog anymore?)

-Thankyou for that toast you gave Me, boy. It was most
flattering (although your "guesstimation" of My age
was out by three thousand years!). In regard to your
query over My choice of music, yes, that particular
piece *does* have lyrics:

Dionin who made the Darkness
Dionin cast out of the Garden of Eden
Dionin who dwells in the Darkness
Dionin who is Darkness
(repeat x10)

-I believe the song is credited to Lady Sylvia Marsh.
A venomous piece of work if there ever was one. You'd
like her. Just don't mention Hugh Grant.

Incidentally, though I'm glad you worked the party
with your usual expertise and made a new...friend, I'd
appreciate it in future if you didn't get up to that
sort of thing in My private office, even if
commitments down below means I hardly set foot in it
these days. It's not that I mind you and Patrick
fucking, far from it- both you and Mr Bateman are
*very* pleasing to the eye, and you both work too hard
for the Firm, so I'm pleased you both took the
opportunity to cross-examine each other's in-chambers,
so to speak. However, if you're going to put that
stuff up on the web ("LAWSTUDS"- I mean, *really*,
Lindsey ...)I'd appreciate it if you were much *more
cautious with the footage-there's one shot where you
can see the Firm's logo on the door behind what
appeared to be part of Patrick- I don't believe *your*
tan extends that far.

-And so to the unpleasantness. Has Miss Morgan turned
up yet? I'm still not convinced that phone call she
made to me to resign was made entirely of her own
volition. She sounded uncharacteristically civil. I'm
not alone in thinking there may have been someone else
in the room with her, perhaps threatening her somehow.

Oh, BTW- how's the new hand coming along? Can you pick
things up with it yet? Letter openers, scissors-that
kind of thing?

Soon May He Rise,

Malachi Wolfram

-------------------------------------------------------

FROM: WarrenJones@Welshqueer.net
TO: Deadboy@Whitelighter.org
SUBJECT: YOUR SHOULDERS-MADE FOR LEANING ON

Angel,

I'm using another lawyer friend's account today-
Bobby's got enough problems with that skeletal bitch
from the Fish firm who keeps stalking him without
worrying about my problems.

Thanks for not hanging up on me when I phoned last
night. It meant a lot to me to hear your voice- even
more so that I got to hear that gentle burr of yours,
no angry edges included, for the first time in too
long. I've missed that.

I've missed you.

That night when I walked out on you, on us, you asked
me why I couldn't reconcile you as both the vampire
and the man beneath. Surprised I remember that? I know
I was screaming loud enough to wake the- pretty loud,
but I remember everything you said to me. It sticks in
my mind, because it's the only time I've ever seen you
cry. No one's ever cried over me before. Not even me.
Jesus, Ainge, you have no idea how hard it was for me
to walk out that door when you were weeping like that.
But I had to. I just couldn't...

Sorry. Back now. Had to take a break. It's weird
having all these emotions in me again, after the Firm
kept them iced up for so long. You've brought me back
from the dead, Ainge; ironic, I know. It's been a long
time since I felt guilt- there's a tingling in my
chest. I guess my conscience is having an attack of
pins and needles, what with regaining feeling after so
long.

I never told you why I walked out, Ainge. Why I made
the choice I did- to go back to the Firm, to have your
hands on me dealing out blows instead of caresses. At
the time, I thought it best not to tell you, as the
Firm might have- no, screw that, *would* have used it
to hurt you if they found out. Now that we seem to be
getting close again (at least I hope we are), I'll
tell you why.

It's because of the Shansu Prophecy. Far from not
being able to reconcile you as both a man and a
vampire, Angel, I delight in it. You and your demon
are part of the same package, two sides of the same
coin (sorry- consider that payback for the Two-Face
jibe!) and neither of you would be as special as you
are without the other.

And that's why I was so frightened when I read the
Prophecy. If it comes true, you'll someday be
"rewarded" with your humanity. I can't face that,
Angel. Watching your beautiful face line and age,
seeing you grow infirm, knowing that one day you'll
die. I couldn't let that happen, Angel. I can't
imagine a world without you in it, and I couldn't let
the Powers give you such a cruel reward. It was-is-
selfish of me, but I don't want to grow old with you-
I want you to stay as you are. and I'll do the ageing
for both of us.

Of course, ideally, that wouldn't happen either, but I
doubt if even I could talk you into biting me and
laying some of that Romany magic on me right off.
Doesn't mean I won't try and convince you, though.

Lind.

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: LinMcDon@Wolfhart.com
FROM: Deep1@NineCircles.org
SUBJECT: LILAH

Mr McDonald,

We've found Lilah Morgan.

That is to say, we've found what's left of her. A
cleaning crew came across her corpse over the weekend,
during an intensive cleaning of the upper office
floor. They went up to the roof garden for a cigarette
break (how they got there is anyone's guess- as you
know the hothouse up there has been boarded up and
off limits to staff since we acquired those Krynoid
seed pods) and discovered her burned remains tied to
the flagpole on top of the building.

Due to her burned state, the angle of the flagpole
(facing sunrise) and the puncture wounds at at her
neck, we initially assumed she had been turned then
deliberately left for death at dawn by a vampire,
presumably Darla.

Subsequent analysis of the body, however, showed that
she had been doused with petrol and set alight, the
two puncture wounds added with some sort of barbecue
fork post mortem. We believe the perpetrator wanted us
to believe Lilah was ritually killed by one of our
supernatural clients,to draw suspicion away from him.
Or her.

Obviously the police are not going to be notified. I
have arranged for all Wolfram & Hart staff to come in
tomorrow morning for a scanning by our Psi-corps. I've
taken the liberty of rescheduling everyone's
appointments around the scan, including yours. I
apologise for the inconvenience, especially since
according to your schedule you had an out-of-town
meeting set up for tomorrow. Oh well, these things
happen. You can always take your trip after the scan.
Right?

See you tomorrow Lindsey. Bright and early.

Take Care,

Malachi Wolfram.

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: Deadboy@Whitelighter.org
FROM: MrsHart@Styx.den
SUBJECT: LINDSEY DIE NOW

Angel,

We are Hart We know you and Lindsey fuck We know
Lindsey did it killed Lilah he come office tomorrow We
have him surprise kill him yummy Lindsey flesh We
finally slaughter fattened lamb We send you his parts
left through post-which you want- maybe cock? ha!

you be alone again you always alone but We are Many

(It be just like after We kill Doyle- you like fuck
mens We like kill mens you like fuck ha ha!)

Slayer no help you now She hate you anyway busy
Goddess She think Glorificus old power bah Slayer
should pray never meet Hart

So no Slayer no friends no one help Angel help poor
Lindsey you lose him soon you shall despair

Wolfram tell We not talk you you be forewarned he say
-what We care Wolfram weak you weak Hart strong you do
nothing can do nothing you are nothing We are Hart

You think you know Darkness ha ha ha!

-You not know shit we know Hell We shall bring it unto
you and yours then you know real Darkness leech

Hart

-------------------------------------------------------

TO: Nighthawk@SunnydaleU.Campus
FROM: Deadboy@Whitelighter.org
SUBJECT: URGENT BACKUP REQUEST

Dear Xan,

Remember how you said if I didn't tell Cordy about
finding you and Larry making out just before
Graduation, you'd owe me? I need a favor.

A friend of mine is in trouble, Xan. A friend who's
more than a friend, if you know what I mean (Anya
doesn't still read your email now that you've broken
up, right? should I start being more obtuse? no, I'll
risk it).

It's Lindsey. Remember I told you about him last time
you were over here? I know that night should be
prominent in your memory, because we both ended up
coming out to each other. The Host *still* has trouble
breathing when he thinks about it- I guess his species
(whatever it is) just isn't designed to laugh that
hard.

Anyway, Lindsey and I. Miracle of miracles, we seem to
have patched up most of our differences, and admitted
we still want each other. But he's gotten himself in
trouble.

They're going to kill him, Xan. I have to help, but
can't take them out on my own- at least one Ancient is
going to be there- Wolfram itself. Stories about the
thing are sketchy, true, but it's widely accepted that
it *built* the cross Jesus was crucified on- needless
to say, religious icons don't hold sway over it.

I need your help, Xan. You're a much better fighter
than The Slayer ever gave you credit for, plus your
soldier and hyena instincts will be invaluable for
sneaking in and getting Lind out *before* Wolfram or
any of the other nasties at Upper Management show up.

BTW- are you still dating our Initiative friend? If it
*does* come down to a firefight, he'd be good for
watching our backs (no wise-cracks).

Please call me at the office as soon as you get this,
Xan. And thanks.

I remain:

Your Friend,

A.

ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS
"-Helping the helpless since 1999"

-------------------------------------------------------


DEVIL'S ADVOCATES
-The Wolfram and Hart Newsletter
Issue 1013, July 4th, 2001, Innsmouth Massachusetts.

-"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu r'lyeh wagn'nagl
fhtagn!"

EDITORIAL: THE WOLF'S DEN

Dear W & F-ers,

Happy Independence Day to all the tireless workers in
the Wolfram and Hart family. Those of you who are new
to the Firm may wonder why we do not stop our work for
any recognised Public Holiday (saving Hallowmass, of
course!) Remember- every soul we collect brings Our
Tentacled Lord in R'lyeh ever closer to his Great
Awakening! Your Overtime is his Harvest-time!

We here at ADVOCATES were (pleasantly!) suprised to
recieve a visit from Upper Management last night, just
as we were putting this latest isssue of the
newsletter to bed! (Guess there really is "No rest for
the wicked!")

Mr Wolfram himself paid a visit to our offices (at the
stroke of Midnight; is the boss-man a class act or
what?!) and asked whether he could dictate a special
holiday message to all of you Wolfram and Hart Family
members out there in the big, soon-to-be-bad-world!
And who were we to say no? We don't want to wake up
and find our wife has been transconfigured into a
bloodthirsty Jhe-Demoness any more than the next
employee! (Just kidding, boss!)

So anyway, here's the complete, unedited message from
our venerable founder, Malachi Wolfram. Enjoy!

Staff,

Despite the fact that this is a (nominal) holiday, I'm
delighted by how many of you have been contacting my
office to report possible sightings of the Souled
leech Angel and his turncoat fucktoy, Lindsey
McDonald, plus their two accomplices.

It gladdens this old man's unbeating heart that,
though many of you worked and socialized with Mr
McDonald, my office is being innundated with your kind
offers to help track him, kill him, or let us use your
various secluded holiday cabins as
impromptu,out-of-the-way torture chambers.

Your offers of help are most appreciated, but
unnecessary- if there's one thing Mrs Hart and I don't
have a shortage of down here, it is facilities
dedicated to torture, peridition and suffering.

Keep looking for them, people. Our operatives are, of
course, scouring the countryside for their
whereabouts, but several of our contacts have failed
to report back to us, suggesting they have met with
foul play at the hands of our fugitives. This coupled
with the fact that servants of the Light have an
annoying tendency to slip through the cracks just when
we get near them, means we may be in for a long wait
until they can be held accountable for making the Firm
lose face in the eyes of The Old Ones.

A reminder of their appearance:

ANGEL: A tall (6 ft 4") muscular vampire with an
improbably beautiful face and a fondness for
billowing-cut clothes of dark hue. Wears a claddagh
ring on right ring finger, right shoulder blade
tattooed with stylized Gryphon from the Book of Kells
as a self-defense from other supernaturals (note-do
not touch this mark or you will be immolated).
Manifests an Aurelian Gameface, ie yellow irises. Note
that he may be traveling under the name "Liam
McDermott".

LINDSEY: You have all been issued a photo of his
appearance. Remember to look for the missing or false
right arm and the ever-present silver bracelet which
is sometimes accompanied by a matching neck chain. He
and Angel are romantically involved, and can be
expected to protect each other. Note that his larynx
should be disabled on sight- do *not* attempt to talk
with him, as he has a gift for persuasion so acute it
may be of supernatural origin.

ALEXANDER HARRIS: Formerly under the apprenticeship of
The Slayer, he is now a free agent and a persistent
thorn in the side of the dark powers. 6 foot 1", Dark
brown to black hair, chocolate eyes, uncoventionally
spectrumed clothing. In our favour is his tendency to
unknowingly attract those of full or partial demonic
heritage near his person. Note that in times of stress
his fighting skills are formidable. Do not
underestimate.

GRAHAM MILLER: Former military assassin specializing
in Supernatural entity wetwork, Graham Miller is
Xander Harris' lover. 6 foot 3", blue eyes, chestnut
crewcut. Tattoo on left upper bicep "Initiate
*this*!".
Be aware that Miller's incomparable physical beauty
should be viewed much like the warning colouration of
the Black Widow spider (latrodectus species)- he is
both beautiful and lethal. The fact that he single
handedly killed all ten Fyarl demons acting as our LA
office security staff on the night of Lindsey
McDonald's liberation, and the fact that forensic
evidence shows the Fyarls had no prior warning of his
presence, is a pertinent warning of how devoted he is
to Xander Harris' well-being.

-Accounts vary, but be aware that though they are
couples, the four fugitives may be involved in a 4-way
sexual relationship. Check hotels and motels that have
bedding large enough to accommodate such a
relationship. Check hostels or boarding houses run by
military groups or retired military personnel,
especially those from Southern California. Check
places of lodging near hospitals (especially those
with access to prosthetics) blood banks and vetinary
clinics. Check places of employment revolving around
male strippers (see attachment memo regarding Xander
Harris). Check small town or family law firms.

We will find them friends. A reminder that the person
or persons who find them will be rewarded with an
8-figure salary increase and will be guaranteed being
spared Lord Cthulhu's great hunger when he wakes, an
honour usually reserved for Wolfram and Hart upper
management.

Soon May He Rise,

M Wolfram.