R.i.P Valentina
october 22, 1952 - september 9, 2003
   i love you & i miss you mom<3

me, my mom & my sister..

words to describe my mom:
sweet
caring
genorous
caring
thoughtful
unselfish
petite
gullible
silly
shy
a lil ditzy sometimes lol
and pretty much anything nice you can say about someone....

well im not just saying this because she was my mom...but she was the sweetest person i ever knew..My whole life i lived with my dad, sister, and my mom..and she was the only one that i got along with.Everytime me and my sister got into a fight..my dad would always blame me, but my mom was ALWAYS on my side. i became really attached to her when i was little..i always had to be wherever she was,when i started pre-school i would pretty much cry everyday when i had to leave her. and at the end of the day i was SO happy to her when she would come to pick me up. i could never sleep in my room alone and i would always sneak into her room & i would fall asleep so easily just knowing she was there..and as a grew up i stopped doing that, but right up until this last summer.. i would still sometimes go in her room to sleep if i couldn't fall asleep in my room. When i was little, i guess i was kind of spoiled because my mom would usually get me anything i wanted.. but i know she didn't do it to spoil me, she just wanted to see me happy & she always has. Even when i got older and instead of wanting toys,i wanted hair dye, clothes, & piercings, she even helped me dye my hair blue & took me to get my bellybutton ierced when i was 12. Most people who would see a kid with piercings and dyed hair at that age ould assume that their parents must not care about them that much, but it was the exact opposite, y mom let me because she loved me no matter what color my hair was & didn't think a piercing that was covered most of the time wasnt a big deal as long as i took care of it and didnt let it get infected, ich when i got it she always made sure i was cleaning it right. From as long as i can remember she just always wanted to help people, when i was little i was a girlscout lol and i remember there wasn't a troop leader so she became one, when my sisters softball team didn't have a coach my mom and my sisters friends mom became the coaches, not that they were good ones lol but they did it so the kids could play softball. When i was younger i was smart and was on the high honor roll and all that. As i got older, i cared less and less about my grades and when had projects to do or hw. I never did them, so she thought she would help me and she would do it and then be like "tara..i did the work for you, all you have to do is copy it" she didn't do it all the time, usually she would just help me do it, but once in a while she would. & i know it might not be the right thing to do but i just didn't care about my grades..and she knows that if i did i would do so much better in school,she just didn't want to see me fail & get left back.

As i got older i grew up into a selfish bitch & i sometimes didn't apreciate her as much as i should have and just expected too much from her, and never thanked her for all she did for me, I always made her drive me places when she wasnt feeling good, yelled at her for stupid things & mistakes she made, when she tried to help me,i would just tell her to leave me alone. I always made a mess in the kitchen or in my room and left it for her to clean up,and she always did..instead of asking me first, she would just go and do it before i got the chance to clean it myself. She cleaned so much that sometimes she would throw out things that i needed and food i was still eating, and i would get mad at her & scream at her, when she was just trying to do me a favor, And many other little things that i just really feel horrible about, my dad and sister also did things like that too, she just didn't deserve it. She also she went through a lot of shit this year, she had breast cancer & had to go threw kemo which made her weak & tired made her loose her hair, & then surgery and having her whole breast removed, i would flip out if that happend to me!! and she just didn't complain about it, she never complained about anything. & not only that..she tripped and sliced her head open there was blood everywhere and it was so scary to see that..she had to get 100 stitches, and she was left with a big scar on her forehead, after that she had to get kemo again and radiation, and she couldnt really use her arm and stuff. i feel horrible that she went through so much shit & so much pain. I really hope she is in a better place now & is treated like an angel, cuz that is what she truly is. And this makes me think that maybe she was taken away from us because we didn't treat her the way she should have been..maybe if we did, she would still be here. because there is NO other reason that she should have died, she is the last person that deserved that, i wish i went instead of her. < /3 . i MiSS HER SO MUCH.

MiKE AND WHAT HE DiD TO ME
& HOW MY MOM HELPED ME
Since about 7th/8th grade, ive been depressed, had low self-eestem, and social anxiety & sleeping problems(if u read that..u might understand why i do & dont do certain things..)it wasn't that bad..but then i met mike and totally fell in love with him and never liked anyone that much ever, and all that became even worse..i was depressed that he didn't like me, felt even worse about myself because if it, and i was extremely shy in front of him cuz of my anxiety, and when i would see him with other girls that he liked..i would have like mini anxiety attacks..and it would just really hurt me i dont know why, cuz its not like he was my boyfriend,but it did and i couldnt help it. Then finally after a year and a half of going through that, he liked me and we started going out on june 29th 2002, i thought that my life was finally going to start being good again. I was happy, like i was when i was little, but as usual, i was very wrong. Each month that went by, thigns got worse & worse..we both knew it but i think we just liked eachother so much that we tried to ignore the problems. We are both very different from eachother, hes preppyish, im not. He likes girls that have long wavy brown hair, at the time we were going out..i had my long in the front short and spikey in the back hair, dyed all different colors BUT brown, so basically i was the opposite of what he liked, he would always tell me to grow my hair and dye it brown, and what kind of clothes to wear, and i already felt bad about myself and then having my boyfriend tell me that makes it 100x worse. Everytime we got into a fight, no matter who was the one who did something wrong..i was still always the one saying sorry. He was never sorry when he did something wrong, because to him he was NEVER wrong, i was the one who always was wrong, even if i was really right,he would never admit it. After months and months of going through this its gunna effect you in a bad way. During that time i felt like EVERYTHiNG that i did was wrong, nothing i could did was right..and it didnt make it any better that my dad also was the same way as mike at times. He just did sooo many lil things that were just mean and it all adds up. I never could get up to school cuz i would stay online all night to talk to him, but the only reason why he stayed up is because he was doing hw, i know that he never would have stayed up late just to talk to me...there was always another reason & i felt so unimportant and your boyfriend isnt soposed to make you feel like that, he should make you feel special, which he didnt. I would do lil things thinking he would like them like i printed out pix of me and him together and i gave it to him, a nice boyfriend would hang it up on the wall or frame it or something like that, when i went to his dorm i found it under a pile of books, well just lots of lil things like that made me feel like shit. I loved him soooo much, i like would do anything for him & because of it i just ignored the bad things he did, and would just think about the sweet things he did. When i would finally wanna talk about it with him he would get all mad at me and just not answer my ims or he would even block me!!! which is really fucked up. He got mad at me for the stupidest and littlest things..and he would stay mad forever and i would have to like beg for hours for him to forgive me, when he did something wrong instead of him saying sorry..i would just tell him its ok & i wouldnt stay mad at him cuz i just couldn't..all i wanted to do was get along with him, so this was stupid of me, because it let him think that he could treat me horrible because he knew that no matter what he did, id still be there. At the time he was like the only thing that mattered to me. I hung out with him instead of my friends, I missed family things to be with him (he would NEVER do that for me), i would hang out with him instead of doing hw..anything you could think of i just didnt do cuz i was to busy either thinking about him, talking to him, being with him, or being in my room crying over him. i slept over at his dorm at least one night every weekend & while i was there, he played video games the whole fucking time while i just sat and watched, or he would watch tv shows on the history channel and crap & i would ask him to like not do that and then he would be like stop complaining all u do is complain..so then that makes me feel like crap, he would only pay attention to me if we were kissing or hooking up & then he would just go to sleep..he wouldnt even sleep next to me and cuddle and left me like an inch of the bed to sleep on. Another cool thing my mom did was like ok at night i couldnt sleep, and she knew i would be up all night doing nothing so i would usually sneak out to hang with mike at like 12 or 1 and in the winter i couldnt sneak out cuz i wasnt in the back room, so she would make pretend she was letting the dogs out, and i would go with her & leave to hang out with mike that way my dad had no idea that i wasnt home, my mom trusted me that i wasnt doing anything bad..which i wasnt when i hung with him we just like watched movies or whatever so i think that was nice of her..BUT I cant belive i let myself get so into him like that and just let him treat me like that, but im glad i learned cuz i will neverrrrr let a guy do that to me again. Well i could go on for a looooong time about fights and bad things that happend to us but i dont think anyone cares...but if you do maybe ill make up a whole new section to my site just to him and what a dick he is..haha that sounds like a good idea actually. but anyways the point of telling you all this is that all my depression, low self esteem, sleeping anxiety problems got really really bad during this time cuz of all those things...when he broke up with me i went into a very deep depression, it started in like decemeber which was like the first time we broke up. Its so sad to think that i would be dead right now because wanted to end my whole life just because of him and that i tried killing myself many times cuz of it. Because i made my whole life only him, when i didnt have him i felt like my life was over and there was no point in living..even if i had everything else in the world that i wanted i still wouldnt care, cuz he was everything and with out him i had nothing. I stopped going to school, because its bad enough going there, but when your as depressed as i was the last fucking thing i wanted to was the place i hated the most i never got enough sleep or no sleep at all, and when i did i NEVER wanted to wake up..especially that early & to go to school and on top of that when i did wake up to go every morning i would get into a fight with my dad and sister and then i would get anxiety and all worried about having to go to school & i got sick over it, and i would get stomach aches. i did anything not to go, i would run away, hide, lock myself in a room, pretended to be sick & if that didnt work i remember i once actually made myself throw up so they would belive that i was really sick, and once my dog threw up & i said it was mine lol, but yea i just refused to go back. But all that time my dad always made me go & my mom understood how i felt cuz she had anxiety problems too, and she knew i wasnt faking it..she would make pretend to take me to school so my dad wouldnt get mad and then let me stay home, and if my dad found out he would yell at her for it and i felt so bad, anything she did she was only trying to help, cuz thats all she wanted. Anything my dad wouldnt let me do, she would. My dad was soo mean to me and he would never give me money to go out and stuff so my mom worked so she could give me spending money, she never used it to by herself anything. Well yea so my dad thought i was just faking it all and my mom knew i wasnt & she worked hard to get me into homeschooling and to get help for my problems..and having homeschool was sooo much better for me and i got med to help my depression and anxiety, and it did help, so im glad she believed me or else i probably by now would of ended up killing myself.

i just miss her so much, not just cuz of all the nice things she did but she was just funny to play jokes on & tease her cuz shes so gullable and its just so funny & she was just so cute haha she was such a ditz sometimes, I wish i would have spent more time with her this year but i didnt know her sickness was that serious, i had no idea that this would happen, By this summer is when i started to appreciate my mom & what she did for me more, but little did i know it was a little too late, i was never home in the summer & when i was i was sleeping, and that was during the day when she was awake & then id be awake whens he was sleeping, so i never saw her so i can't event think of the last time i was with her before she died. And after having such a horrible year with mike and all this was the last thing i needed to happen to me..too many bad things happend last year, but it made me such a stonger and better person, since the worst possible things happend & i got myself throught it, i now think i can get through almost anything.

THE ENDiNG. it was a regular sunday night & i was out the whole weekend & i just got back from roosevlet, when i got home my mom was laying down cuz she wasnt feeling good, she was having trouble breathing, my dad said he was probably going to take her to the hospital the next day. Instead she ended up going that night because she didnt wanna take any chances. When she went we had no idea what was wrong with her. We found out that her lungs were filled up with fluids, she seemed to be doing okay though when i went to visit her that whole week, she was talking and laughing and stuff and the doctor said she could probably come home on saturday. but then it got to saturday and the doctors found that the fluids were cancerous and that the cancer spread to her lungs and liver. that day i was told by my dad that anything could happen. We just thought that she was going to have to stay in the hospital longer & that they would be able to fix it. on monday we were told that there was nothing they could do and that it could be weeks or days. When the doctor told us this i just burst into tears and i couldnt even go into the room to visit her cuz it upsetted me to much..by monday she was really weak and couldnt move & it took so much effort for her to just lift her hand or move her head. it hurt alot to see her like that, especially knowing that these are the last few times i was going to spend with her. she could still talk that day & that was when she just told me she hopes i go to school, i didn't cry in front of her. We found out before she did..but then the DR told her & its really hard to watch someone tell your mom that there going to die, and i will never forget just the look on my moms face when she heard that, i really wish i wasnt there when she was told that. i just cant imagine what its like to be told that especially when your in the middle of your life and you worked so hard to get where you are..and your happily married with kids who are just in highschool..she was happy to see christy graduate highschool and she didnt even get to see her go to college. if i graduate i really wish she could be there because i know it would make her really proud and happy. I also wish that when i get married and have kids that she could be here to be their grandma. "I wish this was a dream so I could wake up..but what good will wishing do?" yeaa soo on tuesday i wasnt even going to go to the hospital cuz i was too sad to see her like that, but i went and im glad i did because that was the night she passed away. When i got there, pretty much all of my family was there its like the first time ive been with all my sisters in a really long time, everyone was crying, it was just a really hard thing to go through, everyone loved her so much. She wasnt talking or anything, her eyes were closed, we didnt know wether she could hear us or not, but we all just stayed and even if she didn't hear us, i think she somehow knew we were there and held on as long as she could so we didnt have to be there when she actually died because she waited until everyone left until she went, we all knew that that was probably the last time we were going to see her & we said goodbye, and im glad i got to tell her i loved her the day before when she was talking. That night i came home and at 11:55 we got the phone call telling us. when i found out i just felt like it was a horrible nightmare & it was really hard to think that i was NEVER going to talk to and see her again.

on thursday was the wake and sooo many people came, and it was so amazing to see how many people cared. i love you all who came & there was many people who imed me or commented on my journal entry from that nite who should they cared to, and it made me relize that not everyone is as fucked up as i always thought, without all of you guys i dont know what i would have done, so thank you everyone who was there for me during that time, and i was still friends with mike..and he wasnt there for me, thats about the time i relized FUCK HIM and that i didnT NEED him and i had so many more people that cared about me.

i know all this is pretty personal stuff to be sharing with everyone, but im only doing it because i hope to make people relize things that maybe they didnt before, like to be nice to your parents and to respect them because they do so much for you & its really hard being a parent and they really deserve a thank you and something in return once in a while. just try to be nice to them and be happy you have them..

SO yeah people are probably wondering why i had mike in this whole thing but this one page was just about two people who had major effects on my life and because of them i look at life in a totally different way now. Ive learned so much about Life & love, and who and what i need and dont.

soo now mike tries to talk to me..and tries to be my friend buT im not stupid enough to let him be in my life again, i let him ruin me one time & im not gunna let him do it again. In like 2 in the morning one nite i told him to bring me sprite remix and he actually did haha and he got me zero slippers for christmas..they are so cute..buT he cant just fucking buy me things to make up for what he did and just expect me to forgive him like that!! well w/e it feels really good to be mean to him, i dont like being mean to people but to him i do. i just have a lot of hate towards him

well with all that i wrote, anyone who reads this..i hope you take advice from my experience with out actually having to go through it. thats why im sharing this because i dont want anyone to make the mistakes i did. to make it short..
-appreciate what you have while you have it
-don't let anyone make you feel bad about who you are & dont let them change you
-Dont waste your time on someone who doesnt treat you good, you dont need them, and you can do better
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