Fuzzy Logic
Religion
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia.
If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.
It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Jesus paid for our sins, now let's get our money's worth.
Life
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Light a man a fire and you warm him for a day, light a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Welcome to life, current population, way too fucking many. Put in your earplugs, close your eyes, and hang on.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you've been made upside-down.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Stop global whining.
Reality
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Having abandoned my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
Time
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat the course.
The future ain't what it used to be.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
You can’t be late if you don’t come.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Obvious
It ain't over till it's over.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
If you have lost something, it will be in the last place you look for it.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Death
Statistically one out of every one people dies.
You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.
Death cures insomnia.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Mind
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I think I think, therefore I think I am.
I think, therfore I am confused.
I think, therefore we have nothing in common.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
If you're content with the way things are, don't worry, you'll get over it.
A mind is a terrible thing to lose.
Waste is a terrible thing to mind.
Consciousness, that annoying time between naps.
Don't believe everything you think.
Fact
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be discarded.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay... So if you keep reading, you'll go broke.
Health
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I have the body of a god... Buddha.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Age
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional
Age is a great price to pay for wisdom.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Relationships
A true friend stabs you in the front.
Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it.
Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to be in an institution?
I see no problems between us that could not be solved by your departure.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Creativity
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The key to creativity is disguising your sources.
Diplomacy
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie '... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of making others want what you’re offering.
Tact is telling someone they are open minded when you actually think they have a hole in their head.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
Opportunity
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
A lot of people miss opportunity because it’s dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Conscience
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Your conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Government
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Where there’s a will there’s an inheritance tax.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
No one's life, liberty, or property is safe when the legislature is in session.
Whenever congress makes a joke, it’s a law. Whenever they make a law, it’s a joke.
Save the environment -- plant a Bush back in Texas.
Work
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
If you love what you do you'll never work another day in your life.
A committee is a group of people bought together to not do much more than any one could alone.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.
Hard work never hurt anybody but I figure why take the risk?
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
A system is a series of protocols designed to fail to achieve a specific goal.
A committee is a group of people bought together to not do much more than any one could alone.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Even if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.
Build a man a fire and you warm him for a day, light a man on fire and you warm him for a lifetime.
Telepath wanted: You know who you are.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
It is inevitable that the procrastinators of the world will revolt against those who work hard... Eventually.
How do I set my laser printer to stun?
Money
Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well as, afterward.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
To get a loan you first have to prove that you don't need it.
The probability that the buttered toast will land buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Advice
The best way to give advice is to find out what people want to hear, and let them hear it.
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Morality
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Eagles may soar, but snakes don't get sucked into jet engines.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
If you must choose between two evils pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
End racism, kill everybody.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Drugs/Alcohol
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
Cars
Don’t drink and park, accidents in the back seat cause people.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
A mechanic will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
If it jams, force it -- if it breaks it needed replacing anyway.
Talking
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
If I were you I’d be talking to myself.
Beauty
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
Beauty is only skin-deep. Ugly is to the core.
Weight can be lost, stupid is permanent.
Success
Boldly going nowhere.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
The probability of the odds being accurate is very small.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
If you want to catch trout, don't fish in a herring barrel.
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Misc.
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Save a tree... Eat a beaver.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Whenever I start feeling blue, I start breathing again.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet.