UNBECOMING JEWISH HEAVEN & HELL

Time has sweetly passed, since leaving Yeshiva, many years ago-free!. But struggling to obliterate this influence, to un-become Jewish, has not been easy. Of vague childhood memories, I remember smiles, songs, flowers, sunshine, parks, puppies, bicycles, balloons, innocence, fantasy, dreams. But as we grow, approaching adulthood, life loses her inherent purity, becoming more confusing, more complex. Thus I found myself in Israel, exploring my Jewish heritage, continuing my quest for meaning and happiness; and, under the golden sun of the Holy Land, my sweetest dreams became my worst nightmares.

For the first time in my life, after attending a renowned, Orthodox, "Litvish" Yeshiva in Jerusalem, my happiness and love of life were threatened, nearly extinguished, just as the Inquisition sought to annihilate the Jewish faith. But neither were successful: not the pious Bishop, nor the sombre Rabbi of the Litvisht world. Now, I am thriving, sometimes even smiling. Tuesday night, and the Rabbi said, "Dear boy, shall you come to our special lecture on philosophy, tonight?" "But Rabbi," said I, "My plans have been already set, to play cards with some friends, and we have ready bought the Vodka." Solemnly, perhaps sincerely hoping to save my soul, he intoned, "Well, the choice stands before you, Heaven and Hell. Imagine standing at a diverging path, faced with this decision: to plunge into the fiery, satanic pits of Hell or enter the sweet, supple Gates of Heaven." Not only did we play cards that night, becoming voraciously drunk, but I myself left the Yeshiva soon after. And not in vain- for each night, in the streets of the Holy City, I would ascend the Chambers of Heaven higher and higher, drink after drink, higher and higher, bar after bar. …in the streets of the Holy City, I would ascend the Chambers of Heaven higher and higher, drink after drink, higher and higher, bar after bar. I remember my days in Yeshiva: the familiar smell of massive Talmudic texts; the dusty shelves with decaying books of dry moral tenets; the pedantic, perspiring scholars slumped over Aramaic intricacies... and the dreams of brightly shining sun, of Lovers and children, of green grass and smiling flowers... in distant, fanciful parks... somewhere past the thick brick Yeshiva walls and curtained Yeshiva windows. When in Yeshiva, slumped over heavy Aramaic, I would wonder; "Does this bright world of my childhood and sunshine exist?" Indeed, many Rabbis insisted that my childhood was evil, my former life and friends were somehow impure and treif, and that this world was grey and grim-- as dismal as their black hats and stained souls. To believe this, they say, you will be virtuous and happy "You must live for the day you die," says the Gaon Gadol, "when you enter Heaven or Hell. Despite nearly believing them being youthfully gullible, the words of Neitzche echoed loud: "Just look at this artificial light, smell the stale air! Here the soul is not allowed to fly to its height!"

Memories of sunny parks, of songs and smiles, refused to subside! It was necessary to mature, overcoming my childhood naivety, to love myself once again, embracing the romantic joy of my former life, and remembering my bright dreams for the future. My personal renaissance would not have occurred, had I not discovered the truths of my soul: That there is no Heaven or Hell, except the demons or angels which you create in your heart; that we must live, not for the sake of death, but for life; that the world is an infinite, resplendent, pristine Garden; that life is simply what you make of it; that we exist not to suffer or cry, but to be joyful and free; and that most of the Jewish Czars in our time haven't the slightest clue about Judaism, yet alone living it - and in this respect, there is no difference between the so-called Orthodox, Reform or Conservative. But not all establishment-Jews are like this. If you search hard, or providence bestows grace, you might find the lone, unique saint. For these sages still exist, beneath the dust and dogma, teaching us to love, to smile, to exist, to be me, blithe and free. They remind us that "Redemption" lies within. They sing of Utopia, the prophesied era of peace and harmony: Moshiach. But what will happen when "Moshiach' comes? Nothing, teaches Maimonades!!! Reality will remain the same, life will continue. Yet our consciousness will change. In our new vision of elevated-awareness, we will perceive tile world as she truly stands. We will see the Oneness of existence, the resplendent light of.... of what? Of G-d? The Cabalistic masters more eloquently and accurately describe this sensation as "Ohr En Sof," Light of No End. It is possible now, as an individual, to attain this elevated-awareness: to Moshiach. Each of us has a spark of Moshiach within, waiting to flare. Personally, Moshiach has arrived in my life, but I'm still waiting for the rest of the world to catch up. Only when enough of us kindle this spark will the Third Temple risein glory, and all the Jews return to Israel. What will we experience? How will it feel? Imagine the ultimate trip, the pinnacle of creation. Imagine the most transcendent, magnificent orgasm of your life. But where? In the distant world of "heaven?" In the invisible realm of "mind?" Rather, this bliss will occur here, on the dust grass of worldly Earth. Sometime soon, and whenever you desire...the Shofar blows, and you experience Existence itself: an infinite orgasm of ecstatic bliss, of light and love, continuing to no end, forever. As you see Ohr En Sof, perpetually sparkling, permeating the world, infusing your soul and limbs, your lips will be too paralysed to articulate the painful cry of your heart: "Enough, too much, stop!" Rather, the climax will continue, painfully blissful, higher and higher, even transcending "highness" itself.. Sound good? Or does this sound like nonsense? Likely you read this with scepticism, if you are like the majority of our people: shtetyl-minded, stubborn, miserable. As Jews, we refuse to even consider living "Moshiach" at least in our own soul. We reject aspiration for inner- peace or tranquillity, dogmatically whining that "It is not possible" or "I'm not ready" or "It is too dangerous" or "It is not real" or "We are commanded to wait." Wait? But for what? When the shofar of Moshiach shall ring, most Jews will plug their ears, still busy waiting and worrying, pathetically wallowing in self-pity, fear, ignorance and mediocrity. I reject the Judaism of my recent forefathers. We shall examine, as this article continues, how to un-become Jewish in the conventional sense, soaring free from our obsolete delusions and misery. Then, purified, let us return to our roots. Let us discover the immaculate, infinite depths of our soul, buried beneath centuries of dogma, layers of dust -- dust, and the lingering pain of the long-gone exile. By Ariel Kalman.