Something Like Love
Rating: PG
Pairing: Greg/Catherine
Summary: It all started with fire. Spoilers for 'Playing with Fire'.
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Distribution: Morphine Tears. Anywhere else, just let me know where it's going.
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Better Than Alone
Greg’s dreams had not been the most pleasant of late, but that was to be expected after an ordeal such as his. At least in his dreams, he was a casual observer to his fate and the pain was masked by the horror of it all. It was hard to feel the pain in his dreams.
At least I’m alive.
He knew that it could have been a lot worse. If he had been standing a little bit closer to the fume hood, or perhaps on the other side, he may not have been tossed through the window. It had helped him escape the majority of the flames. He was still hurt though, but he would live to see another set of DNA samples.
It struck him as funny that his mortality should be questioned in such a way. Every day, he processed DNA that could make or break a case. In some instances, his DNA analysis alone sent the murderer away. It wouldn’t take much for someone to find out it was he who had processed the data. Even less to find him on his way to his car one morning and take care of him as well. What’s one more skeleton in your proverbial closet when you’re already being put away for life anyway?
But of all the things, it was a lab explosion.
He wasn’t sure when he awoke. Maybe it was the soft click of the door shutting, or perhaps it was the footsteps of his visitor, pacing back and forth across his little room. Either way, Greg was awake and less than willing to talk to just anyone. He was sure that he looked like hell, not to mention the throbbing in his back and on his face.
The pacing stopped, somewhere to his left as far as he could tell, but there was only one way to be sure. Still, he was hesitant to open his eyes. He really didn’t want to talk to someone unimportant. Unless it was Nick or Grissom or...
Catherine.
He shut his eyes quickly, then groaned and opened them back up again. He saw her look at him, a vacant expression on her face at first, but one that quickly turned to concern.
“What time is it?”
Greg already knew. It wasn’t hard to look through the window, into the hallway where the colorful clock rested just above the nurses’ station. These were mere formalities before the real talk. Small talk that would eventually lead into the business that neither seemed willing to bring to light. They both knew why she was here. “Late.” Her answer was simple. She was going to play along for now.
“How long have you been here?” He already knew this as well, but stall tactics were always acceptable in situations like this. He wasn’t sure whether Catherine would be grateful for this or not.
Maybe I’m just being selfish.
Either way, he would follow the script the way it was meant to play out.
“A while.” A look flashed across her face, and it appeared that she might say something else, but seemed to decide against it. “I got a little time on my hands.”
It was time to get down to business. She had taken the initiative, and now he had to step up to the bat. “You found out what happened in the lab, didn’t you?” She remained motionless, but a flicker in her eyes gave it all away. It had been her.
“Yeah.” She didn’t say anything for a moment. He wished she would just leave it at that and be done with the whole thing, but he also realized the impossibility of such a feat. She needed this, and he would go along with it for her. He would give her at least this.
Maybe some things should stay buried.
She looked like she wanted to move, but didn’t seem sure that her legs would carry her. Finally, she pulled up a chair beside his bed and took his hands in hers. “Yeah, and, umm... I wanted you to hear it from me.”
The room was quiet for what seemed like hours. The whir of the air-conditioning lulled them into a false sense of calm, but her sigh quickly forced them out of that comfortable place. “It was late, or early, depending on how you look at it. Warrick and I were bringing a solution we had collected from a garage murder scene to the evidence room, but it was between shifts. The day crew hadn’t gotten there yet, so I had to put it under the fume hood.”
She paused, looking at him with an intensity that was almost frightening. Shaking her head at something, she continued on again, as if somewhere else entirely. “I followed protocol completely. All the unbooked evidence has to go under the fume hood. It’s standard procedure.” She sounded quiet and distant, as if reading from a textbook that was hidden from his view.
“I was so concerned with getting home to Lindsey that I couldn’t wait for the new shift to start. I wanted to be there to make pancakes for her before school. It’s kind of a tradition with us now. Then, when I came back for the new shift, the evidence was the last thing on my mind. Lindsey had had a rough day at school, and I was still worried about her. I should have remembered to get the evidence out. It’s part of my job to be thorough, and I failed. I failed everyone.”
“It’s not your fault, Cath.” She looked as if she intended on saying something, but his eyes begged her not to. He was surprised to find that it worked. She remained quiet, though it seemed that it took a great deal of restraint on her part to do so. “You shouldn’t be punished for being a good mother. I’d be a little more concerned if you didn’t care about Lindsey at all, and it was just some guy that made you forget the stuff in the lab.” He paused, “Then, I think I would be a little offended.”
She looked at him incredulously, pulling her hands back quickly. As soon as her flesh left his, the cold of the room immediately assailed his hands and he looked at hers regrettably. “Why aren’t you mad at me?” She looked at him as if he were a child. As if that was a question she was asking Lindsey, but in a much more casual setting.
I don’t want to be your son. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. You’re not following the script.
“Because it wasn’t your fault.” He took a breath, concentrating on her face and not the hands that lay, forgotten, in her lap. “It could have happened to anyone.”
Catherine stood and resumed her pacing, and Greg knew immediately that he had said the wrong thing this time. Sara was the ‘it could happen to anyone’ girl. Catherine was the ‘what’s done is done, it’s time to move on’ type. But he knew that there was no way to take it back, not that he would want to. It’s true that this could and definitely would have happened to someone else eventually. It just happened that Catherine was the first.
“You should hate me for this, you know? You should at least be mad that I put you in the hospital because of my irresponsibility. You should be pissed that my sentence was too lenient. You should tell me not to bother coming back when my leave is done.” She continued pacing erratically, and Greg sighed. “You could have died, and you aren’t even mad at me.”
And once again, I can’t be the man you need. The story of my life.
He raised his eyebrows, but the pain in his face was too much, and he lowered them just as quickly. “It’s done. There’s nothing that we can do to change that, but you can’t beat yourself up over it for the rest of your life. You followed protocol, just like anyone else would have. It’s just a freak accident that the hot plate was on and I happened to be in there at the time. It’s not like you intentionally blew the place up.”
Catherine nodded. Greg was pleased to see that she stopped pacing and sat down again. But she didn’t move to take his hands back.
“I’m glad you came, Cath.” She smiled. It was quick, but it warmed Greg’s chilled body immediately. He hadn’t seen her smile at least since Eddie died, and even then, it hadn’t been because of him if she had. This time, it was all him.
She shrugged, as if the whole situation was of no major consequence, then took his hands in hers again.
Maybe there’s hope for us yet.
But there was nothing romantic about her touch. She squeezed them tighter for a moment, but then things were back to normal again. Her thumbs did not brush against the back of his hands. It was just a friend comforting another friend. A friend. A colleague. Anything other than a lover.
This isn’t what I want. This isn’t how it’s meant to be. You’re supposed to tell me that you’re sorry, and then throw your arms around me and vow to do whatever tit takes to make it up to me. Then, that’s where I tell you that I don’t want to take anything from you. That I’ll only be satisfied when I have you, and you say yes and fall in love with me forever. Isn’t that something? Couldn’t we do that instead of this?
In his mind, he could see himself finally letting it all out and almost smiled. Almost.
Maybe some things should stay buried.
Maybe it was all the thoughts, or something else entirely that made Greg yawn, but it didn’t go unnoticed by Catherine either way. “I should go. You need your sleep.”
She tried to pull her hands away, but he refused to let go. Holding on to them tightly, as if she may slip away forever if not, he looked at her with pleading eyes. “Stay with me?”
She said nothing, but firmly tugged one of her hands away to brush an unruly piece of hair that had fallen across his forehead. She pulled the blankets up around him some more until she seemed satisfied, then rested her free hand on top of his once more. There was no romance. Just something like love. Another Sara and Grissom. Eternally doomed to only the occasional touch or sidelong glance.
And he wanted so much more, and he could tell that she knew exactly what kind of thoughts danced behind his chocolate eyes. She said nothing about these either, but held tight to his hands. It may not have seemed like much to her, but the symbolism behind that gesture was not lost on him. He would play the son to her mother for now, if only for her sake.
He sighed and nestled back into the pillow. He didn’t want to be the son, would have done just about anything to rid himself of the role. But not tonight.
Tonight, even being the son was better than being alone.
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I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don’t wanna be left alone, don’t wanna be alone
-Sarah McLachlan-‘World on Fire’-