april 20th
trying not to be upset but
shock is making my chest heave
youre pointing out factors I never saw before.
i am the denominator dividing you to pieces.
me being with you has ruined your life
i need you to tell me that you need me
(to stop these ribs from caving in)
please tell me I'm not ruining your life
your friends think i am
i feel like somebody just killed my mother

april 17th.
its grey outside but still.
a new day.
was rooting through some old drawers last night and i found
a valentine, to me, first grade,
with your name signed and a big
red juice stain.
feel a little worse about how things turned out.
PS! - very confused about (guestbook) post?
if whoever wrote it would like to post again to explain,
I wont put it up, but I'm sorry if I scared you,
I promise I'll be good

april 16th.
hate commercialized holidays centralized on eating.
take one last look at the pretty number.
try not to eat tomorrow.
encouragement, these same fingers
i use to stroke your shoulder.
but i'm still happy,
because i know that tomorrow is another day.
and i know I dont have to settle.
those numbers WILL be peeled away.

april 15th.
numbers ticking backwards
makes me proud.
this is really working

april 14th
say youre busy
its ok,
i dont regret those pills i took
feel a little less bad,
about leaving

april 13th.
you say you want me to be happy but
i already am

april 12th.
the numbers are ticking backwards,
just like proof that mistakes can be corrected.
even you've started to notice.
nothing feels better than being able to take control
while others are suffering from the lack;

april 10th.
whispering quietly.
giggling.
we are music,
with the conclusion that
i am your tickle

april 9th.
ok, lets get down to business.
I know that you're still reading.
why? because I know that you need the words of your critics to mould who you are.
you are nonexistent without the images of others for you to copy.
everybody is sick of your hypocracies, your
"say it to my face" philosophy counteracted by your
myspace-message-email-shouting-from-the-dark-where-no-one-can-see-you
attitude.
everybody is sick of your newest trend, your constant conversation
about yourself.
everybody is sick of you.
we're all waiting for you to fail

april 6th.
i hate my birthday so much.
it is raining and youre still
too busy.
for one day a year
i still don't merit any attention.

april 5th.
i know you would disapprove,
but to be honest
this is the only time I've ever felt
that i'm really accomplishing something.
i dont have to settle

april 4th.
i find unconscious lack of control particularly miffing.
particularly when you are becoming annoyed with people, feeling guilty, but being incapable of generosities.
you can't control what you like and what you dont.
which leads me to conclude that
neither can society.

april 3rd.
what you hear is
"you should go, its ok."
but what I'm really saying is
"oh well, there's more rum left in the cabinet"

april 2nd.
last night at work two guys came in for pizza.
one was wearing a big white mask over his mouth and nose.
i hid in the back because i didn't want to talk to him.
i'd better go read the news

april 1st.
it is sunny but I dont feel any better.
i'm uanttractively jealous when I hear about things you do
without me.
although you never heard it,
i always condoned those actions behind your back.
i hate birthdays because already
i am counting down the days as if it is important.
as if another year means something new
instead of growing old.
i've decided now its better to keep things inside.
caring is ignorance.
i'd rather be the piece of fruit into which
you bite
only to receive a mouthful of rotten flesh
instead of the bruised, wrinkled apple
you toss into the trash without a second look.
in conversation,
i fake sympathy and casual interest at subjects like
how she ended up the way she is now.
little do you know,
all i want is to know how to be that way.
so i will rot on the inside
in an effort to save you from caring
and worrying.
sometimes I wish I were irrational enough to believe in divinity.
it is sunny but I dont feel any better