dec. 31 05.
2:25PM
been awake about an hour. moral of the story is dont mix alcohol.
still dont know what I'm doing tonight. that bet is still on; i dont think anybody's going to give me 10 bucks if I'm right though.
fuck my stomach is mad at me.
dec. 30 05.
8:40PM
bet you ten bucks that daniel wont be allowed to come over tomorrow night and I will spend new years drinking alone like I do every year since I was thirteen.
4:25PM
redid my bangs. fuck hairdressers, who needs em.
practiced screaming to anthony green. it was probably sounded really annoying but the music was loud and nobody was home anyway.
actually nobody is home right now and I have to be at work in less than 30 minutes.
anybody want to do anything tonight?
dec. 28 05.
10:46PM
"L'etranger" has to be one of the strangest books in the universe. So he put his frigging mother in a retirement home, does he have to get his head cut off for it? no. will he? yes.
I listened to hours of ipod today. his name is bacon; he's my new bestest friend and he reads my mind. here is another case I made for him out of a sock. (thank you to ellen for the idea; she didn't verbally say it but she has an ipod sock case.)
1:05AM
i lied; im not really radioactive.
ps, i have nothing left to be...not-nocturnal for. why is there not a better word for the opposite of nocturnal. if you can invent a decent word to be the antonym for "nocturnal" please tell me, and we'll petition merriam webster to make it a word.
12:28AM
huit mois! <3
clearly Im an artistic genius
dec. 27 05.
3:45AM
tucker max is my hero.
dear god I have the best boyfriend in the universe, thank you, amen. rain snow ice. small umbrella big puddles. green and white stripes. cheek kiss while you lean over to have a drink. chocolate on the bedspread. before vacuum cleaners they had servants do this. improv disco. k-os from a car stereo in a parkinglot. running in eastbound traffic lane. streetlight through your window. candycanes and videogames.
"cause the colder it is the closer you get together; when the wind is blowing the rain sideways, and you're just standing in the middle of the driveway or parking lot or wherever, soaking wet, tennis shoes soaked through completely, jeans dragging in the mud... yeah and its just.. perfect." (dres lackey, some conversation from autumn 2003)
and there is this one moment when we're walking in the middle of the street where I want to tell you exactly what I feel but Im terrified beyond explanation that such an invokation would make you feel the need to lie if you don't feel it too. and I am behind it all thoroughly distraught in greiving because I've let this moment die too many times, and am also quite aware that I will kill it again.
you are beautiful in any light and through every lens; they made machines to see the things that mere rationality cannot. because when you stop thinking is when you know, and when you stop believing is when you realize you never needed faith before.
that beautiful ecstacy you ignite in my chest when you're laughing hard enough that sometimes you have to breathe but cant. skating through iced parkinglots. popcorn butter in my hair. cheap lipgloss and expensive presents. if I one day decide to hate the guitar, and everything it has ever been, every chord and noise, i think I could atleast appreciate the fact that 20-some odd frets, six strings and an unimaginable amount of wasted hours of practice led me to haul myself onstage, twice, for the benefit of people who I did not know and an audience of people whose approval I never could have acheived otherwise, led you. to the stage. to shake my hand in one of those adjective-name-clothingstore handshakes that took me atleast five times longer than you to learn.
preoccupation like absynthe and drama.
nothing I could ever say would ever mean enough. all of this is saying something to someone that wont mean anything at all. good morning. good morning ten minutes after we've been talking. good morning is right before class, or after the first kiss of the day, that is good morning, that is good morning if it is 8:35am, if it is 10:30am, if it is mid afternoon or 8:26 at night. its like... its like coffee.
i stand by every delirious rant I have ever written with you in mind. pinky swear
puzzlepiecesthereisnothing______
dec. 26 05.
12:23AM
kk its xmas now.
boy gave me a mixtape. a mixtapeeee! a mixtapeeeeeeeeee omg. i sat on the floor wif my teddy bear (also from the boy) and listened to the tape. i love tapes.i love tapes. christmas was saved by maxell blank tapes and 90 minutes of music.
AND YES IM JUST MAD CAUSE I DIDNT GET AN IPOD.
dec. 25 05.
10:46AM
i have lost all faith in christmas.
it does not feel like a holiday at all. I can't even remember what used to make it feel like Christmas. greed made it feel like christmas. now the greed just makes me feel guilty.
christmas is a bullshit holiday based on financial greed. christmas is the birthday of walmart, of zellers and bed bath & beyond. its their birthday and they want you to buy fucking everything, because if you don't, youre a bad mother, you're an awful girlfriend and youre a shitty person. you're a scrooge if you don't feed big fucking corporations so some dick in a mansion in California can get fat off caviar and crystal meth.
birth of jesus my ass. let's drag religion into it too, shall we? churches preaching you to come to midnight mass and celebrate the birth of christ. hundreds of years ago. before there were christians. before there were believers there was christ, and even after christ there still were no believers, because christ is an invention some old whiny man pulled out of his ass one day as a way to direct his fucking troops, as an excuse to conquer the land, as an excuse to pillage homes and rape women and destroy everything.
birth of jesus my ass, where is jesus in this holiday. you teach your kids that it's all about santa, santa claus, and presents. you get presents if youre a good kid, cause, see, parents today are too goddamned LAZY to actually discipline their kids properly, so they have to use this santa facade as a way to get kids to brush their fucking teeth and go to bed.
I wish I hadn't gotten anything because then I wouldn't be disappointed with the things that I got. I'm a stupid greedy kid and I know I'll look back on this and feel bad, like I always do, because I'm never happy with what I get. I never am. Christmas is a crock of fucking bullshit, it's the biggest disappointment. there is no feeling anymore, just wrapping paper and tape. it might as well be februrary.
i fucking hate winter and I hate this whole goddamned season. somebody sell me an ipod.
dec. 24 05.
8:38PM
fucking stellas. fucking sarahs.
popufucklinglarity contest.
that was the last save september performance at horton high.
8:24PM
got off work early. I like to work during the day. it is brighter. waiting for parents to come home so I can open a present.
why. this is why. this is fucking WHY I told you I wasnt lying.
its xmas tomorrow and I'm excited because I get to see daniel.
NOT XMAS EVE.
12:59PM
i think i've figured it out now. about why I dont feel anything.
i used to be excited for the presents. but now its about something more
something i just dont feel
12:05PM
I ORDER YOU to download "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars. they're from montreal, and the song is beautiful. I heard it on the radio yesterday on the way back from the doctor.
I think pennicilin should be a diet pill because it makes you feel so awful that you don't need to eat anymore.
Jeff came over last night and he brought his kitty, Noura. when she saw my hamster her tail got all puffy and her back got that arch up. He also brought noodles and we had noodlefest 05. I think I had a noodlefest once at andy's house. That might have been last year though.
it doesnt feel like christmas at all.
my mom woke me up this morning by coming into my room, turning the lights on and telling me I had to take my pills. whenever I stretch I kind of scream a little, so I just buried my face in sheets, screamed "I hate you" and the rest was all incoherant. she laughed at me.
when there is nothing else to burn, set yourself on fire.
you did call back! <3
dec. 23 05.
8:23PM
so we found a doctor, because there is no dentist in the entire valley who is working. ROOT CANALS DONT TAKE FUCKING VACATIONS YOU SPINELESS SHITS. fucking scam of the month. shitty manipulative career
and the doctor gave me some stuff with the smallest amount of codine, like, the LEAST amount possible because godfor-fucking-bid that I might you know, actually numb that pain a little.
got off work early, nobody was home, couldnt find the key in the shed cause the shed lock was fucking frozen. rang the doorbell a million times. looked in the windows. kicked on three doors to the extend that there will be dents. brother was "taking a bath". so what, you just thought i'd shut up and sit in the fucking snow until youre done? piece of shit. piece of fucking SHIT
its not christmas so dont get me anything.
fucking HATE when you laugh at me. i'm going to go get drunk now because the pills dont fucking work and you're definitely not going to call me back anyway.
and you never fucking READ THIS SHIT ANYWAY. fucking jesus, what a shitty goddamned fucking "holiday"
10:26AM
its not xmas until I say so. the presents look lame under the tree, the decorations are boring and old, the weather is repetitive and I am in pain. thats okay because the doctor's going to give me some painkillers in an hour. then maybe it will be christmas.
11:16am
the dentist's office is closed until after the holidays.
will anybody sell me some oxycodon.
12:02AM
fucking teeth ache. cant smile, laugh, or call for the goddamn cat.
might need root canal.
happy fucking holidays... shit. could go for some morphine right about now
dec. 21 05.
6:06PM
is it bad that I dont want to go back to work again? considering I dont have work until the 23rd? I'm one of those people who will make their lives end early because they get too stressed. i cant believe 12 inches of dough, sauce and cheese is capable of making me want to cry.
this blog is so unoriginal, its just me whining about everyday things to people who dont care.
god is a trick question. its the believers who go to hell for being so easily mislead.
dec. 19 05.
4:21PM
OMG second last day of school. tomorrow I'm going to buy my mom her xmas present. it'll be something random I find in the mall. mothers are easy to shop for.
jeff's mothers name is april.
i looked at prom dresses today; some people came in who have a shop in town to show off their stuff. I liked some of their dresses, but I dont know... I would be fucking pissed if I went to prom and somebody had the same frigging dress as me. I think I'd rather make one instead. I'll definitely have to start that soon though; while I have a job and cashmoneyflow.
pretty sure that I wont get to spend a lot of the money I make; saving for prom dress, saving for visit to ontario this summer, saving for school.
anthony green is amazing. he doesn't always nail the note head on but he doesn't have to.
jt, do you really want a mixtape?
dec. 18 05.
11:12AM
i wish i would have saved every convo I had last night because at this moment I don't really recall too much about what was being said that was so enrapturing until 3AM. I was talking to ellen, jeff, jt... and ivan. uhhh. yeah i think its okay.
work last night was okay. I didnt run out of stuff to do, but I didn't want to just go to the bathroom and cry like I wanted to the night before. I woke up this morning because the sick feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away. And I tried to convince myself I wouldn't be sick. and then I stood up and saiiddd ohhh fuck yes I'm going to be sick. but then once I went into my other room and stretched in the light it was okay.
i curled up in about 43205236 blankets and watched two hours of World Wildlife Fund, Foster Parents Plan and this amazing religious sermon thingy. It was actually really nice. the pastor looked so old and gentle, and we talking about how people always bashed the Innkeeper in the whole birth of jesus thing, for turning down a decent room and making them stay in the stable. dont you think it would have been cheesy and lame if jesus was born in a house made my man? it just seems ironic. like how human beings think that they can only truly worship jesus in a house made by man.
download "If I Told You I Loved You Would I Get It Any Faster" by killwhitneydead.
boys, lets get right down to it
men.
are
SHIT.
...
what!
...
men
are
SHIT.
... well isn't that what they say?
2:25AM
omggg you have no idea how hard it was toget here/. i made so many typos it was like insane. im haveing a lot a por ftrouble triyng to get all these wordsout eighrt nows>,p
uhh uh
soo uhhn connfesions anyone> im listening to the martyr by scrusvei and I DONT CAE WHAT T|YIO SAY THIS IS HOW I FEEL OKAY> THIS IS HOW I feeel. and i feel this way. and i dont care because i was wrong before! just beacuse i wsa wrong before doesnt mean i cant be right now! i swear i'm not lying. i will never say that i was lying. in 5 years i will say YES I RELALY DID FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT HIM>
in TEN YERS I WILL SY YES I TELLAR DID FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT HIM
IN 50 YEARS I WILL SAY YE SI REALLY DID FEEL THAT WAY ABVOUT HIM
so yaisu everybody can stop with al lthis dont throw it around swtuff. i dont throw it around. okay i never thrw it aroiund. and when i did itw as only becus e i was lying. i only thrw it around when iu was lyuirng and i knew i was lying anhd im ont lying now wichhi is why i dnont throw it around>
so stop it. stop iot. iom not lying. really do feel this way okay and nothijng take sit awayl i dont want rto go to bed. i cant wait. tomorrow i fet tpo see him.l iuts all that gets me though wrok is the idea of seeing him the next day .it why i tiook the jobi nthe first playce.
i ave to go pee and dfeink more water and poee some more now. monight
dec 16.05
selfish and greedy. I dont really want to say anything on here today. right now. for a few days. I feel pretty bad. I dont have a good reason for it. I hate when people tell me I have a reason for it; I dont, so stop giving me excuses.
I feel like a drunk. constantly trying to figure out what self image is, awkwardly losing control of relaxed facial expressions. everything is obvious.
I dont want to do it anymore. I dont know what Im going to do with my life. I cant do this and I cant be a writer.
when I die, I wont be sad anymore. I wont be scared anymore. maybe I should stop worrying about it.
I broke my necklace, I broke my necklace, I've been wearing it since the first time I stayed up all night in august.
school is almost over so I feel like I should feel better but work is equally as stressful. i dont wanna go to work. i hate it there
December 14th, 2005
they cancelled school today. i had a music trip to go see The Sound Of Music and do some shopping in the city. i went on a large frenchys run with my mom and dad instead. the haul consisted of:
.multicolorey striped socks.
i also bought the boy's xmas present. i was tres unsure about whether it would make a good gift or not, but after having examined it myself, I feel pretty satisfied. plus there are always receipts.
I want to go for a walk in the snow and get lost when everything turns white
December 11th, 2005
i think someday i will become fondly amused with the manner in which every word i type here is read by the unintended audience and ignored by the target. sounds like its time for a new marketing approach. too bad we fired all last weeks employees.
sometimes wounds have to get worse before they get better.
so this time what is to blame. is it selective hearing. is it the limits to the english language. somewhere the connection broke. who has to own up to it this time. whose fault is it this time.
haha, youre so not reading this at ALL.
hysteria makes you do funny things. you'd be surprised if you let it take over, the massive immunity to certain sensations it can induce. repetitive trauma feels so much easier when there are worse things inside your head. whose fault is it this time.
you'd be happier with somebody else.
i dont feel guilty. it doesnt cost me anything. it doesnt rape my consciousness (any more than you do). if a blank stare doesnt ask you what youve been telling me, i shouldn't have to feel guilty. i'm not the one at fault here.
you can stop reading now. hes not listening.
December 10th, 2005
I WOULD SELL MY SOUL FOR THIS TOY.
HERES WHAT IT DOES:
- Advanced artificial intelligence personality
ommggg this is what I want for xmas. scratch all that other stuff. ROBORAPTORRR. ROBORAPTOR. ROBORAPTOR. ROBORAPTOR. omggggg. omgggggggggg
1:09AM
heres a rundown of my babysitting tonight.
parents go.
December 9th, 2005
14890 points on peta!
12:25PM
14140 points on peta! less than 8000 until I can get a shirt... yeeyyy
December 6th, 2005
i know what youre thinking and you can fuck right off.
i'm sick of people who think its important to tell me when people talk about me behind my back. why? because you think i won't give a shit? you might as well be saying it yourself. i bet you just like to watch me at a loss of words.
and as for misinterpretations, i stand by my earlier statements. its not like i'm telling you to quit [sport of choice] and stop being an egotistical (or self centered? tell me, is that a better way to put it? just so we can waste valulable time here) drunk. i'm just telling you i fucking hate your scene and your parties and you goddamn wont catch me there again.
instead of the traditional whining about it, go to "Favorites", find "Organize Favorites" and make good use of that delete button; i'm sick of peoples bullshit. atleast i know how to express my opinion in a way that doesnt result in pissed off teachers and lameass tests.
December 5th, 2005
if you were deeply touched do not read this. if you are also overly optimistic and not fond of cynics, do not read this.
a boy at my school died last night in a car accident with three other kids who all attend my school. two of them returned to their homes in the morning, one other stayed in the hospital in stable condition, but Nathan Harper was not granted the courtesy of returning from the scene of the accident.
the car accident.
I could not pick the boy out of a crowd if I were told to (unless the rumors about his goth image were true). I've been spending the entire day racking my brains trying to call up pictures of this guy, but I can't quite do it. At school in the morning they told us in first class about the news, and my teacher told us in french and added, "Je suis desolée." On the soccer fields in the newfallen layer of snow (barely enough to cover the grass) someone had written with their feet, RIP NATE. The band concert will be dedicated to him, at least in part.
the entire monument greives.
when I heard the news I was silent. mostly because I was told by an individual who was full of feeling whereas I had none. it does not entirely reflect the individual; I'm quite aware that if I were to be informed of the death of a loved one I would most likely pose the same silent symptoms of apathy until someone were to recognize it to be a state of shock. I can say that I feel sympathy, but I can't offer condolences because there are no words. I do not know him, I did not know him, and I daresay I most likely will not come to know him. Therefore it would be offensive for me to pretend to know him and to CHEAT those who truely, genuinely did.
I am not a fan of people who take death as an excuse for attention or an excuse to be heard. when there are people who are genuinely at a loss, because they've lost a friend, a member of their family, they are allowed to feel the way they do. dont you think its unfair to them to pretend you feel bad? or to feel bad without good reason, merely because you are afraid of death?
here is a small lesson in the ways of life, as it pertains to this situation:
everyone at that car accident will die.
but don't think its exclusive, darling, please. everyone who drove past the scene will die. everyone who was called in, police, ambulances and fire marshalls, will die. every member of the family, every friend of the casualty, every reader of the news and every listener of the radio will die.
and the books will fade and the sites will be taken down and the archives will be lost and every record of this will be forgotten. death is a part of life that we are so intent on excluding, but it is there. there is a risk every single day that you will not wake up tomorrow. I myself am confident that I will not die growing old and decrepit and alone, I believe based almost entirely on statistics (and this one bad feeling) that I will be dead within the next five years due to some form of accident or fast spreading disease.
young people get this idea in their heads that everyone who lives is going to get infinite time to complete every single task, that they can fuck around and ruin their futures and act like idiots and get away with it, and be one day wrinkled and peeing in tubes in some house for the elderly. i hope that this incident opens the eyes of those who hear about it to help them realize that this world is not sugar and candy. strangers ARE not friends you haven't met, diseases WILL hurt people that you know, your parents most likely WILL die before you. The world is corrupt; the planet is enraged, and all the time when you were small they parked you infront of a TV to learn about how to share and how to play nice and what colors you got if you mixed yellow and blue film slides.
why don't we teach our kids more valulable things. when I was a kid and I learned about puberty, I was horrified and disgusted. boys, i bet you cant imagine the shock. you think its gross hearing about it, imagine being told what youre going to have to go through when youre about eleven years old and everything is still sunshine and gumdrops. to be honest, I felt like it was the rape of my child hood, I was so disguted with everything and everyone, like as if they had LIED to me my whole life about well, what life itself is about.
The second shock of inequal proportions is the one that I have been suffering the last few weeks where I have decided to stop pushing away that horrible, smothered feeling that death gives me. I've decided to be much more submissive and simply let hopelessness dictate my life. If I had been raised to believe that death was a part of life, this shock wouldn't be happening to me. It's like I was raised in some goddamned fantasy where everything is perfect and untouchable; I can take risks and end up on top, I can still one day be old and fondly recalling the stupid things I did when I was young. No, no its not.
the entire world is filled with diseases. diseases that will get you EVEN IF you are healthy and in shape. EVEN IF you eat all the right foods, EVEN IF you stay out of the sun at the right times of day, EVEN IF you apply insect repellant when the mosquito season hits and extra layers when the ticks are falling off the leaves, EVEN IF you get your booster shots and immunizations. you can still be ravaged, destroyed, beaten down to a pulp by diseases that are everywhere, that are claiming everyone, people you love, people you know, people you live down the street from.
the entire world is full of evil dictators and politicians gone bad who will promise you the very things that you desire and go MAD with power once you let them and do nothing but stab you in the back. politics is highschool drama made into what should be illegally oversized portions. its all BULLSHIT. they will never say what they mean, they will never TELL you what you're going to get and WHEN youre going to get it.
the entire world is full of people who are mentally unstable and will shoot you in the back, stab you while you walk to your car, collide with you on a freeway, hold you hostage when youre just. trying. to get. some fucking MONEY from the bank to buy GROCERIES damnit. the world is full of people who will drug you when you're drinking and rape you when you're unconscious, the world is full of people who will take your children just when you were lecturing them on how to say no to strangers.
the entire world is full of greedy people who will call your house at dinner and ask you for your money, people who will honk at you because you are not driving fast enough for them and then pass you while gesturing rudely at you through your window, people who will say "excuse me" but in the meanest way possible when you accidently walk in their way. the world is full of people who will take pleasure in watching you squirm when you are unliked and unwanted, and full of people who will sabotage you when you are well liked and happy.
but mostly the entire world is full of suffering, and destruction, and the only way to remedy everything is for everything to be destroyed, and for everything to start over. we've ruined everything we've been given... we've cut down the forrest and paved roads where there used to be streams. we've wiped out entire species, we've made a checkboard of holes in the ozone layer, we've created medecines that will only save us today and mutate everything to shit tomorrow. everything has been done in the name of one person and never in the interest of anybody else, because the Europeans would rather destroy an entire people than make friends when they came to North America, because the United States government would rather be rich right fucking now off gasoline while destroying species and reserves and TONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN USELESS FUCKING WARS instead of GIVING A SHIT about what the world might be like in twenty five years if they suck every last goddamned drop of oil out of the earth. what the fuck did you elect him for anyway you goddamn idiot americans. he executes mentally handicapped people you assholes, you might as well be the ones holding the fucking needle.
the world is full of people who are ungrateful to be alive and the only way for people to be thankful is to kill everything. to kill everyone.
and even if there is only one man left standing, if he is happy to be alive, then we are 100% better off that way than we are right now.
December 4th, 2005
in conclusion: I hate parties. I would rather be miserable at home than pretending not to be miserable elsewhere.
elliott smith is god. I had about 5 different songs of his stuck in my head at work tonight. work was a lot easier when I was doing it because I knew I had to, to afford the present I wanted to give Daniel for christmas. but now that the plan's off (for the 34370561 people who I told), it seems a lot more like I'm working for nothing.
painted shoes today. bandaids fix everything. curling iron burn. sure.
12:52AM
"suicide victim."
it's not that I miss the spotlight. it's not that I crave the attention. it is the fact that it is easy to be blinded even though you're only standing next to the target of the spotlight.
i am sick of being pushed aside into a see of wellwished faced (people you dream that you could emulate but will never quite acheive); they have dirty expressions like they know that i don't belong. (I will never be drunk enough, the color of her dress like the color of her money is painfully sobering.) if this is your scene I would rather be offstage. I am out of place, the puzzle piece in the wrong box, fucking manufacturer hired lazy dumbasses again who cant even get the right god fucking damned pieces in the right jesus damned box.
I will always be the gravity that holds you down to the town you hate every time you try to take off. I will be the bad news on your birthday, the stab in the stomach on your wedding day, the diagnosis of your fathers cancer on the day your first child is born. You want to fly away and I want to pin your wings on my clothesline and teach you that flying away will only hurt you. If you're going to go, don't let me stop you; if youre leaving, stop stalling. if I'm gone when you come back its because I know that you'll be better off that way.
I'm the stupidest person you will ever meet. I will time and time again try to cheat death, try to defeat odds with the knowledge in the back of my brain (smothered in layers of sweet, fattening denial) that I will fail, that I will lose, and that anything gained can never be kept. I am constantly grasping for a foothold to keep me from that very brink of disaster that is always teetering, perching, right in my reach.
I will never try anything, because even though I never want to die I know that I will, and everything I tried will be worth nothing, and all the risks I took will do nothing but leave me with regrets, and bad choices, and trim years off the lifespan that I will so constantly pine over losing, every second every minute every day.
"love". quotation marks were made to surround that word. what an idea I have construed in my ill thoughts that it is attainable! only to be convinced time and time again that I was mislead. that is a risk that I will constantly take because unlike the rush of doing shots or the numb relaxation that comes with perscription pills it is a risk that will not kill me.
but is that true? people do stupid things. and even if drinking a little bit harder one night doesn't kill me today (but kills me three days earlier in about fifty years), that's not to say that love isnt fatal. how many times have people suicided themselves over love? its historical, its romanticism, its arts and literature and well known. if i could one day be a fatal symptom of alcohol poisoning, could I not also one day be a victim of a suicide?
I drew in my art book tonigt. I think the art teacher would like it because it is life, and because it was accidental.
because I promised and I kept it. (because you asked me to.)
"its stupid and I hate it."
December 3rd, 2005
had people over last night. I'm supposed to talk about it cause thats the only reason jeff came over. tonight = rfd party. except so many stupid lame athletic popular kids are gonna go. fucking hate those people. why cant they just save the world some ressources and take their own lives. stupid lame ass loud conversations on the back of the bus.
unhm.... yes.
shower. have to go eat the chocolate in my advent calendar
December 2nd, 2005
I smell like pizza and cast iron pans. and a bit like cookies. work isn't fun when the boss is stressed especially when the boss is the closest thing to being the only person you sort of might kinda know. I only hated my job once tonight and that was when I was cutting lettuce to make salads because I kept looking at the wrong ingredients list and couldn't find any of the vegetables.
my brother drove me home and we stopped at Econo. I sat on the floor and played all of Classical Gas and found some ceedees. Somebody freaking gave them an Elliott Smith cd. E FUCKING S! I feel partially bad because somebody out there lost a good cd. or because some poor kid died and his parents had no idea what to do with his stuff so they gave it to Econo. It was like 5$. From A Basement On The Hill. WtfOmg.
work tonight was bad but its okay because I know I'm going to get to see daniel tomorrow. <33333
December 1st, 2005
new intro. do you like it?
8:15PM
wtf so while I was watching the news today the hostboy and the weatherman were making pleasant televised banter (the most eavesdropped upon, the most awkward as well with lights cameras and makeup less than ten feet away) and one of these members of the male persuasion happened to let it slip that it was twenty four days until xmas.
24! how the hell did that happen! was I sick for an entire month! did I NOT just start school last week. so, in the spirit of xmas (or procrastinating doing math 11 homework), I created my xmas list. here it is in its full glory.
- an mp3 player. preferably an iPod mini. sometimes you can get them cheap if people return them when theyre outdated. if not iPod, anything cheap will do
the quotation marks are because my mother is a bit difficult with her english language and also with music and tends to not know what is a band and what is a song. I also wrote the band names in very clear letters to not confuse her. I think I should underline the album names too but then she might get mad at me.
just a reminder. incase youre going WTF WHAT HAPPENED TO NOVEMBER UPDATES (which I severely doubt) you may relocate them here or by visiting the Archives section.
love love chilluns.
6:07PM
.black and red striped knee socks.
.a pair of dark jeans
.a pair of light greenish pants.
.a belt
.a dinosaur
.a stripey zip up sweater hoodie thing.
.two pairs of shoes: one for work and one for play.
3:46PM
11:44AM
- Realistic biomorphic motions
- 3 motions: walking, running and predatory gait
- 3 distinct moods: hunter, cautious and playful
- Responds with mood specific behavior and sounds
- Responds to touch and sounds
- Infrared vision system detects objects in his path
- Powerful jaws let Roboraptor play pulling games
- Laser tracking technology "sees" motion
- Videogame style controller
- 40+ preprogrammed functions
- Remote control and autonomous "free-range" behavior modes
kids wanna watch a movie. its snowing so we pick Santa Clause 2.
there are three kids; two are twins that are 3 years old and the other is about 8 or 9.
one of the twins is scared of santa and begins to cry.
we go upstairs to color.
after coloring for a grand total of about 30 seconds, she wants to watch the movie.
we go to watch the movie; she cries again, I get the drawing stuff back out.
but she doesnt want to draw she wants to watch the movie.
she watches the movie and gets scared again.
OK, you watch the movie or you go to bed.
...she sits in a corner and draws. its a compromise.
she draws more on herself than on the paper.
they go to bed.
I fall asleep on the couch.
around midnight I wake up to screaming.
nightmares about Santa.
trying to reason with child and get her to stop crying while still mostly asleep.
she doesnt want to go back to her bed so we nap downstairs.
I hear other baby sniffling and getting up on the baby monitor.
while getting up to go tend to the other one, the one I'm with starts crying and running away.
while following running away baby, I pass infront of the door and see the mother is standing in it looking surprised.
they didnt go to bed?!
yes they did... they just... woke up.
second baby had peed herself.
by now we had a party going so the eldest daughter woke up.
so freaking tired.
I saw a music video and it made me miss daniel.
beddd;
1:29PM
4:51PM
4:12PM
9:09PM
i dont care about it anymore. i lied i lied i lied but only because you lied first.
11:53AM
9:08PM
10:06PM
XMAS LIST 2005% WTFOMG
- a nightgown
- plastic dinosaur
- french english dictionary
- NEW HAMSTER CAGE.
- CDS:
...anything by "Rilo Kiley"
...anything by "the Album Leaf"
...anything by "American Football"
...anything by "Daft Punk"
...anything by "Elliott Smith"
...anything by "Modest Mouse"
...Joyful Rebellion by "K-os"
...On A Wire by "The Get Up Kids"
...Good Appollo, I'm Burning... by "Coheed and Cambria"
...Lifted or the Story Is... by Bright Eyes
...Fevers and Mirrors... by Bright Eyes
...Digital Ash in a Digital Urn... by Bright Eyes
- Gravol.