December 30.
will this erode me?
am i to, in a couple weeks(months), say
i knew it all along, that i couldnt win?
being strong is a soft cover.
we've got a road, and distance markers.
a second chance, please.
i want to grow old or
just grow apart

December 29
days going too fast
familiar terror.
avoid the contact or the questions that follow?
will we regret an inconclusive ending?
receeding, sinking, fucking drowning
in this. in all of this.
the pictures are always the hardest
the simplier words, impossible to get out.
person frozen in perfect exposure
is someone who liked me better

Dec 27
old ways
motion tried to kill the feeling
but its thriving, legs waving
defenceless but still
getting in a good kick
motion tried to kill the feeling but
it bloomed instead

Dec 25
an act of god
what you havent already got
this isnt needed but
im chasing it.

Dec 24

i dont know who wrote this, but it
is basically the story of my last two christmases.
and easily,
fortelling my next

Dec 21
the truth is,
I'm terrified that we are wrong about each other,
and everyone will say "I told you so"

Dec 20
life is a series of calluses.
this is just another 20 layers
/trunkspace

Dec 19
forseeing shadows.
shells of what we were to leave behind.
unwritten codes.
terror nervous panic ready

I have a free last class tomorrow. (monday).
I'll call you at lunch, if youre around

dec 17
this is torture.
if you want to fix this, so do I.
but i'm not going to fight to be in the car
if all i'm getting is the trunkspace

dec 16
searching all the details trying to find
a way that this was my fault, so i can
be the one to break the vow of silence.
but its not up to me. i can't fix what
i didn't break. its you.
on my mantlepiece there are three slips of paper on hooks,
titled with all the family first names but mine,
realizing
that being happy isnt coming from a cardboard box wrapped in pretty paper.
infact, i've been discovering,
it can be the polaroids and birthday cards in the cardboard box stuffed under my sofa that can be the most agonizing.
the words are still on my mirror, on my wall.
i'm playing your song, i'm screwing up the chords. caller ID.
and i said it, and i'm saying it,
yes.
yes.

II.
please. i am not what you are
body crumpling in this bed
silent. please
like an epitaph, a montage
please. damaged goods, no value
bargaining
another step.
please, just, please
stop giving up on me

dec 15
i found a mint between my bed and the wall last week.

if it is you, tell me where we went for dinner on your last night in town

dec 14
yes

dec 13
i wonder if he connects the past to present actions,
or does he just carry through them, blank, unseeing?
when he comes home,
does he have a hard time getting all his socks in his suitcase?
does he remember how neatly and diligently I folded those sweaters and
how i prayed they wouldn't come back smelling like somebody else?
or maybe, wish...
wish things were different.
fuck

Dec 12
i never mean to hear these things but then i wish I never did.
girl in my law class:
he's going away for just this year;
if we can make it through that we can make it through anything.
i wanted to cry for her.
beg her to at least not be naive,
to at least see it coming.
this was never what i wanted. how did we let this happen?

Dec 11
foe

Dec 10
this is what your love does for me.
you had faith for everything but us

Dec 9
man my job is friggen fucked.
what the fuckkkk?!

Dec 8
are you friend or foe?

Dec 7
end of the day. headphones around neck,
setting up for the bus ride slowly, I am catching conversation.
i slide the hold button off on my ipod, push the center button.
no juice.
fuck.
defeatedly, I shove my headphones and ipod back into my bag.
some boy talks about his girlfriend, loudly.
she is going to the NKEC dance.
the things he says are sweet but naive.
he trusts her. they say its good to not be jealous.
(they are jealous of that fact.)
i wish my ipod was charged, because i can't stand hearing him fucking talk
like as if they HAVE SOMETHING.
he throws the word "love" around like he's gotten wiser since tenth grade.
someday he'll learn to be more reserved.

ps.
GROW UP AND BLOW AWAY.
you had your moment in the fucking spotlight. YOURE DONE.
its you or me and im sick and fucking tired of your fucking shit.
entertainer versus artist - youre done working the crowd.
what kind of washed up burn out even comes back?
i dont give a fuck if you're struggling for air,
this is not your place to fucking BREATHE.
STOP DOING THIS TO ME

Dec 5
oh lord i quit boys

Dec 2
i'm going to kill you when i see you.
just out of the fucking IRONY of this whole situation.
go to fucking hell, eat shit and die,
and when they fucking DRAG ME TO YOUR GODDAMN TOWN TO DIE
I'M GONNA FUCKIN TAKE YOU WITH ME

December 1st.
you are the chill in my bones.
hesitating every step - for every minute we spent happy,
i waste another, miserable.
no, i lied a little;
haven't been "ok" in a long time.
the words are still on my mirror.
on the wall behind the door.
i am tortured in millions of colors, in elaborate detail.
i bet this is easier for you -
you always had a terrible fucking memory.