le 30 janvier 2006
22h03

do i have to start writing in code?

let me put it to you this way. this is not only a webpage. the letters you type into the little white bar at the top of your screen are not only an url. they are your secret little key to the diary hidden underneath the toy box, inside the back of a guitar amp, under the loose floorboard. they are your key to somebody elses diary.

this is all just historical documentation to make sure i can leave something behind when I am dead. maybe someday all of these words will be published in a fancy little book like ones chbosky writes.

every emotion is real. every sentiment was typed with reason. this is a paper sponsored by the national geographic about the ways of the blue heron. this is only factual documentation. this is not a campaign. this has never been a plea.

these are only keys to a diary, and as my reader i would trust that you would understand i keep this under the floorboards for a reason

le 29 janvier 2006
20h31

gave up. feel horrible. kind of want to go throw up now. i'm at a loss. i dont know what do to. there is no easy way. this is irreversible. im tired of being jealous. i have no idea what to do. i feel so worthless

DAY THREE.

14h37

so hungry. and sick. i had a lot of trouble getting out of bed this morning and shook violently for about an hour. i'm trying to be strong, literally, but its difficult because this diet has a 0g intake of protein. so my body is feeding off stored protein and sugar in my muscles, which means my muscle mass is deteriorating. that is how this diet makes you lose weight, it eats away at your muscles. muscles take up less space than fat, but they weigh more. which means, I can easily lose 10-17 lbs, like it promises, but it will all be in muscle, and will make my fat to muscle ratio even higher. basically all i am doing is slowly killing myself.

i can imagine that today might be the last day of the diet. i want a fucking egg, and a bagel. christ i want a fucking bagel so bad

le 28 janvier 2006
DAY TWO.

10h51

a cucumber for breakfast. breakfast is a meal that is impossible to construct with only vegetables. TELL ME. HOW THE HELL DO YOU MAKE BREAKFAST. with vegetables. a spread of... spreads, all on the table. I hate cheez whiz, but it never looked so good before today. and even just a piece of toast. toast with melted butter, or jam. or even cream cheese, or peanut butter. toast is like a beautiful canvas, waiting to be painted with taste.

fuck, I'm so hungry. I swear that cucumber walked all the way from mexico, it tasted like mouse piss.

I had a dream my cat attacked my hamster, I accidently brought it to school and called my mom to come pick it up and she wouldnt. when she showed up and I pulled the hamster out of my pocket it was dead. I closed its eyes like they do in the movies.

today is nine months. I have to work five hours tonight. five hours surrounded by screw up pizzas, waiting to be devoured. I hope the fat guy is working tonight, so he eats everything. last night Janice pied Cameron with an entire garlic fingers. that works too

I think today I will walk out in town. A, it is good exercise, B, I feel bad and want to buy myself things to make myself feel better, C, maybe if I'm feeling better I can walk to the bridal boutique and see if I can figure out what sort of dress I want.

le 27 janvier 2006
DAY ONE.

22h38

school and then work. still in my uniform. these pants are too tight, the top is cutting into my body and it hurts. if I were ****** or ***** this would not be a problem.

and thus this is day one of the diet. its only a week long thing. it promises you lose some weight. it is horribly strict. no carbonated drinks, no alcoholic drinks, no bread. eat what it tells you, when it tells you.

today the menu was: fruit. just fruit. no cereal, no salad, no chips at recess no cookie in the art lab. just fruit, and a soup with absolutely no purpose in life. I've been deceieved into believing that this will work. I like to say that I'm only doing this to prove the internet is wrong. I hope that I am the one at fault.

today I consumed: three oranges, three kiwis, two apples, some grapes and some pineapple, and a small bowl of soup.

work was difficult. I believe that if there is a god he enjoys testing me. it is amazing how hunger, such a primal urge, is capable of overshadowing all senses of reason and will (or maybe, if the things people say are true, maybe the hunger makes the real answer more obvious: EAT).

it seemed that the planets were aligning for a feast, sadly not in my favor. Bag of chips lying open on the desk. box of cinnamon strips next to the computer. party pizza, the cheese with those lovely little bubbles it makes when its been cooked to perfection. a box of timbits underneath the shelf of pan covers.

and I resisted. and when I came home there was a large cake on the counter, and still I resisted. I am now one of many girls who is unhealthily obsessed with her weight. maybe it is like my severe dislike of death. I must give in completely before things get better.

tomrorow will be bleak; instead of fruit I get to eat vegetables. at least I can sort of have salad, but without dressing, bacon, or parmesan. I'm really excited because at supper I get to have a potato with butter on it. the sad thing is, I believe that god enjoys testing me and that this potato will probably be my only highlight of the weekend.

butterfly asphyxiation in a treacherous cocoon

le 25 janvier 2006
21h25

it must be really nice to be able to say that that article of clothing in the bin will not fit you because it is too big. it must also be nice to be able to watch films without feeling jealous because the girls on the screen are so much thinner and graceful than you are.

it must also be quite nice to be able to eat a bag of chips every day and never gain a single pound. to be able to bend over in shirts because you will not expose a part of your body you had been trying to hide. i think it must also be nice to go shopping because the lighting in the dressing rooms will not bring out all of your flaws that somehow are less apparent from the mirror at home.

i'm pretty sure that hangovers have rendered me desensitized towards conversations on the white telephone. someday i think i will be the one calling instead of answering. it is sickening the degrees of physical battery that i would be willing to attempt to be able to

go to the movie theatre and not dread seeing the skinny girls ont he screen

le 22 janvier 2006
14h05

omd(hahah)omdomd, les élections sont demain! j'ai regardé deux heures de télévision ce matin. je n'ai jamais été interessée dans les élections avant cette année. je veut que quelqu'un ait un fête des élections. buver buver buver

je tricote les chauffeurs de jambe, parce que j'ai perdu mes anciens.

j'ai vu le film "Hostel" hier soir. ce n'était pas vraiment effrayant, mais très degeulasse. worst part was when buddy cuts off chicks eye so he can take her away from being tortured and pus squirts out. best part is when buddy and chick are in car, and mysteriously see the three people who put them in the torture place to start with and he runs them over.

backs up and runs them over again

homework now

le 20 janvier 2006
23h44

and after four hours of homework i accomplished..
-canadian history journals.
-french essay.
-page on french movie.
-an essay on abortions for canadian history portfolio.
-an essay on french for french portfolio.

maybe I wont have to kill anything after all; maybe I can walk out for coffee tomorrow afternoon.

ps, my hamster tried to kill itself today. i didnt let it, i dont want to be alone in the world

16h05

voilà un sur-vol de tous les choses que j'ai à faire.:
+journal de bord de histoire canadienne.
+video de histoire canadienne.
+portfolio de histoire canadienne.
+portfolio de francais.
+redaction de francais.
+feuille sur une filme en francais.
+étudier pour l'examen de math 12.
+devoirs de math 11.
+"playing test" en musique.
+apprendre la théorie musicale (impossible).
+travailler à Greco.
+me TUER.

alors si je semble "frigide" à vous à l'école, ce n'est PAS à propos de vous. si vous voulez créer une grande drame parce que vous pensez que je suis fachée avec vous, ou que je suis mechante à vous, tant pis pour vous. Ca va seulement ajouter PLUS de stresse à moi.

le 18 janvier 2006
22h52

dear world,
tonight is a bad night for sleep.
je sais que mes rêves ne vont pas être beaux ce soir.
Saw never gets less eerie the more you watch it.
and I wont count days, slow fade, this living is sound

i'm not too enthused about sleeping alone tonight

le 17 janvier 2006
16h19

rien est plus pire que de regarder quelqu’un que tu aimes en train de mourir, en sachant qu’il n’y a rien que tu pourras faire.

la situation avec la grippe aviare devient plus pire. ils ont montré un film aux étudiants du biologie 11 aujourd'hui à propos des effets de ce grippe. je ne suis pas en bio cette année, alors je ne l'ai pas vu, mais j'ai beaucoup entendu à propos des bulles qui forment sous la peau et le sang qui échappe partout... je sais que ca devient plus pire. il faut que je deviens plus confortable avec la mort. je sais que ci sa devient un pandemie, je vais être forcée de mourir seule, car je ne peut pas risquer d'infecter les autres. c'est mieux ca, que de mourir culpable de la mort des autres.

si tu deviens malade, je veut devenir malade aussi.
et quand on voit que c'est fini, on peut sauter dans le bleu de l'océan et du ciel d'un grand hauteur, les mains serrés ensembles. si je peut vivre avec toi, je suis également pret à mourir avec toi aussi.

this right now is the feeling I have been dying to capture on canvas. this is the feeling that makes me want to put on rainboots and stomp in puddles at the factory. I want to make you a mixtape that sings songs in perfect harmony that will soothe you to sleep and kiss your ears as much as I wish I could right now.

but it is also the feeling that makes me want to scream the way people do when they are on roller coasters and they are thrilled and ecstatic. i would like to play guitar now

le 16 janvier 2006
18h09pm

"Name:
Occupation:
Location:
Comments: Whats with all the random french postings?....all things with wings should fly...like what the fucks that about"

dear anonymous,
everything on here is random.
I do not want to tell you what I had for breakfast.
and I am practicing my french.
I like to run each post through a translator to see how I do.
if you want a daily regimen, I hear ctv has a lovely program called 'balance' with marla shapiro.
I do not want to answer the phones at work.
but I applied to work with food, so I will have to.
all things with wings must fly.
whether they want to or not.
its been nice talking to you.

today on the drive home we were passing a car and as we drifted to the left of the yellow lines I hoped we were just going to drive into oncoming traffic.

je pense que les grands squelettes en métal à coté du baie en Halifax semblent beaucoup aux extra-terrestres dans le film "War of the Worlds."

when the car is stopped at an intersection I like to listen to the sound of the turning signal to see if it is in time with the blinking of the light on the back of the car in front of me.

"avec chaque goutte de pluie sur ma fenetre, je sente de plus en plus à faute."

le 15 janvier 2006
10h55

j'ai le sentiment qu'il n'a aucun idée que je suis fachée avec lui. je ne suis pas quelqu'un qui peut rester fachée longtemps. mais je ne veut pas que je dirais rien seulement parce que je ne veut pas être seule aujourd'hui. je ne veut pas être un "doormat."

le 14 janvier 2006
17h00

quand j'achete les choses, je sente mieux. ca me fait oubler comment fachée que je suis.

10h03

j'espère que tu vommisses tout ton estomac ce matin. j'espère que tu te reveilles sans pantalons dans une flaque de tes vomissements.

le 13 janvier 2006
10h41

il me parait que toutes les choses avec les ailes devraient voler.

16h09

ca me parait que chaque clique à l'école a ses propres drames. il y a les groupes qui se bagarrent chaque semaine, en utilisant leurs noms de MSN pour lancer les coups verbales à leurs ennemis (qui deviendront leurs amis dans au plus 24 heures). et il y a les autres qui doivent seulement bagarrer une fois, et c'est fini pour tout. j'aime plus celà; alors tu recoives ce que tu déserves.

il faut que je travaille ce soir. seulement trois heures. après ca, paul et evan vont me visiter. ca semble que c'est notre première pratique d'un groupe musical. je suis nerveuse; ils ne vont pas m'aimer après ce soir, je pense.

le 12 janvier 2006 19h00

je trouve que rilo kiley peut faire les sons les plus beaux dans tous le monde au bon moment.

je trouve aussi que le peint me fait penser à propos de lui.

16h07

je crois qu'il faut que j'écris ici plus souvent, car jeff est toujours en train de me dire qu'il me faut des mises à jour. alors, voilà.

j'ai joué avec de la peinture aujourd'hui dans la salle d'art. j'étais en marchant au labo pour faire travailler (comme je faisais chaque heure de diner depuis lundi) quand j'ai vu tous les gens en portent les vêtements couverts de peinture et un table plein de brosses. je n'ai jamais eu la capacité de resister la peinture.

hannah m'a frappé avec sa brosse à peint; j'ai eu de la peinture blue/vert dans mon oeil. meilleur heure de diner, jamais.

je pense que je suis capable de vivre sur 6 heures du sommeil par nuit; car je l'avais fait les derniers deux semaines et je suis encore vivante.

c'est evident maintenant que j'ai aucun talent de musique.

j'aime mon ipod, il est un tampon hygénique carré.

january 6th, 2005
4:18PM

I think ms. fuller is ugly because god doesnt like her very much.

tell me the world isnt frigging ending like this

jan 3 06
5.08pm

Two trains are leaving Cleveland and the same time. What the hell were you doing in Cleveland?
I live there
I'm sorry sir, it won't happen again!
I like trains
.......

wolf creek = two girls being tortured, raped, killed; trying to escape and failing. there. saved you 10 bucks

school sucks. my brain is too slow for math classes. back to drinking a pot of tea a day. shit yes.

caelin I might take up your challenge. look what I painted

jan 1 06
10.55pm

rundown of the last 24 hours ish:

10:00 - got off early from work. parents are already wasted as they have been drinking since 2PM.
10:30 - tried to make myself presentable.
11:00 - boy arrives.
11:20 - search for mixing agents to dilute rum, aka, pop. my brother is intoxicated and tryign to pour himself a rum and coke, which is a talent he is new at, so I help him, by "sharing" the overly generous quantity of rum in his glass.
11:30 - much more drinking ensues.
11:45 - anger that it will be newyears in fifteen minutes and I'm not drunk yet.
11:46 - downing fourth drink.
11:50 - we decide to light some fireworks daniel bought. we run around in the snow lighting them above the house. one of them accidently shoots into the bushes, and one is thrown into a ditch.
12:00 - giggling as we shoot fireworks directly over where my parents and their friends are hottubbing.
12:09 - we decide to come back indoors; the tiling floor is VERY slippery with wet socks. I step one foot on the floor and fall in the doorway, laughing at sobbing at the same time.
12:15 - drinking more and smoking a ceegar in my room, thinking that the smell wouldn't linger. we were very wrong about this

the rest is kind of a mash of various things; by this time I was quite drunk, drunk like jeff's dad's wedding drunk. it was about 4am when we finally went to bed.
between 5 and 6, I constantly woke up, whimpered about how vile my stomach felt and went back to sleep.
6:45 - go to the bathroom to pee.
6:55 - go to the bathroom to pee again.
7:00 - go to the bathroom to vomit.
7:05 - sitting on bathroom floor around the toilet, singing some bright eyes song and drumming on the toilet seat
7:15 - back to bed.
7:45 - vomit. slept in the bathroom corner until...
8:30 - vomit.
9:30 - vomit.
10:30 - vomit.

two hours of mercifully undisturbed sleep. i woke up the boy because i needed to tell him he was pretty.

2:00 - daniel eats breakfast. i can't even watch
2:10 - try to call in sick from work, but get scared and decide not to.
2:30 - "superstar". great movie. strange humor.

went to work from 4-8. went to johns house until 10.30. we found a furby, gave it life and then lit it on fire behind staples. it was very scary. i will have nightmares.

tomorrow is daniel's birthday.

why am I the only one with really bad hangovers.