May 30 07.
who the fuck are you? you're such a fucking liar.
constantly pleading guilty to a lesser charge.
your bargaining is fucking useless here.
grow the FUCK UP

You are deeply self-absorbed, egotistical and callous.
You are insensitive and unfaithful to those you love.
You are sociable and will get with anyone.
You are fucking killing me. I will drive off-course to hit you.

May 28 07.
blank, spaced, wide.
the best liar, perfectly wrong
false impression. second chance: undeserved.
betray. betray. wake up?
no, dont deny. squirm. an empty decay.
accept. you are awake.
blank. spaced. torn apart.
dragged across the deck
the bathroom counter a lie
the best lie.
notes reverberate, to the floor
to the ceiling your deaf ears your
lost hands knees wine
colt, i bought, you theif
your perfect score a cheat
accuse. delete. delete revise delete.
so wrong.
head: sick heart: sick stomach: sick
squirm. wake up?
wake up? no. accept.
accept. delete. deny. revise. accept?
wake up.
devise. revise. delete. deny. accept.
the car. sleep awake
there is no more. solid line broken.
solid fence broken. wake up?
accept? wake up? wake up?
..;no,
there is no waking
sleep deep, broken fence,
no

May 26 07.
when I am raw,
will you stay?
i will call out,
scream out
so you will have to listen
even as you are
(again)
walking away

May 25 07.
mmm.
a crush of light and color: blend.
stars draw in pull back fade out
shine through glasses and bottles and
the gaps in interlaced fingers.
burn out fade black sink in
and midnight turns out the streetlights
one
by
one
while you kiss her in the dark.

May 21 07
and the pressure closes in on my head again.
all of your accusing fingers are reaching, pushing.
is there no dignity left? no sanity?
and every choice is not an option
the only option is to make a choice
and Mom I'm Sorry for every thing
I did wrong.

May 18 07
bleeding on the bathroom floor.
twitching hands, arranging, rearranging
counting. and always counting
it starts again

May 14 07
please, please just try to understand

May 12 07
you died while you were gone.
I was fine with being selfish, but then it clicked. I think
I was standing at the toaster, at the time.
she couldn't be blatantly distraught (as she felt)
because I was the inappropriate context.
and when it clicked, I ran.
up the stairs two by two, as an impulse not an action,
not a single thread of carpet so much as stroked my bare feet.
a tape, I thought, your voice would be there
to insist you were alive, if only on reels.
I am the weather of your home: unpredictable,
the floor is littered instantly with boxes and small plastic cases.
all I require is a voice, any voice, even if it merely sounds like yours
it will do
to reassure me now that you are dead.
I want to turn the volume up so high that our ignorant neighbors
will think you are angry and shouting
at me, while I sob hysterically, screaming, tearing at the curtains.
as long as someone can think you are alive, I can deny it too.
but she's here now, in her green bathrobe.
a slow careful even pace, looking down while looking down
we fall together as she cries,
"I loved him."
she is soft and accepting, I am angular and unconsolable.
"So did I, but I never told him so."

and I awaken drenched and sobbing
as I roll over to cough over the side of the bed until I gag.

May 08 07
You are deeply introspective, imaginative and sensitive.
You are affectionate and loyal to those you love.
You are sociable and can get along with anymore.
You are keeping me alive. I will drive off-course to get to you.

May 02 07
I'm not doing you any fucking favors, I dont need to take your shit.

and furthermore,
what the fuck did I ever, EVER do to you?