October 29th, 2005
10:10PM

like puzzle pieces.

3:16PM

back from rfd camp! woo woo. I was pretty much the mouse the whole time, but it was still good. I was really stressed out and in one of those strung out "Im doing 356y238o9562 things at once" moods on Thursday morning, which didn't really kick it off too good. I think I have a chemical brain imbalance that is provoked severely by illicit substances. Because now that I think back, my last few experiences with the aforementioned substance tend to make me incredibly manic/depressive for about two days afterwards for NO REASON. and then i start to get melancholy and miserable and bring everybody down. :( im sorry guys.

right now I am rather manic. because I am thinking about camp and the beach and the mud and sigh. daniel found a cocoon and had it on his table. we thought it was dead but when I was playing with it, it moved. pretty little butterfly sleeping in the dark.

October 26th, 2005
4:44PM

nouveau post to the guestbook par mark.

show last night. it rained a whole lot. I was there from about 4:30 until midnight, which is more than my fair share of kentvillefirehall. caelin and I were initally going to try to get food at the pizza place or something but as it was rainy and gross we settled on supper in a grocery bag, aka, Averys. Pringles, smarties and diet pop.

i spent a good deal of money; I got a protest the hero shirt (finallyyy I wanted one last time they came down) and ceedee, and a bombs over providence ceedee (even though they werent there; they dropped out of the tour).

decaying innocence need to practice how to play their instruments before attempting to be thrashxcore. the broomhandles are cutesy and lovely and that guy plays trumpet well, and should do so more often. surefire resistance is getting better, it now sounds like three songs being played over and over instead of two. protest was amazing, they wore short shorts and their main vocalist (rody? i think? like brody, minus the b) was talking about how self conscious he was and how he knew we were talking about his balls. and he points at me and goes "like you, i know you were looking earlier".

and athaliahs was good but I wish theyd do that one song they always do, that starts off with that guitar riff on chorus or whatever and the choreographed thrashing that i miss so much. bahah

October 23rd, 2005
10:06PM

you are my sunshineee my only sunshine. you make me happyyy when skies are grey. you'll never know dearrr how much I love you, please dont take my sunshine away.

October 22nd, 2005
5:05PM

dear you,

I have a 6750 points on peta2.com. I'm halfway to getting a shirt, fucking yes.

today I taught kids how to play flute all day (10-4:00). It wasn't so bad. Meghan brought rice so we stood in the playground and practiced tonguing by spitting rice. we got bored a lot cause they're pretty good flute players... challenges are too hard to work through and the things they know are too easy to work on. so we spent about half an hour seeing how we could make strange noises with the flute (aka, taking it apart and just playing the head joint and sticking our finger in the end of it so it makes noises like a slide whistle).

tonight there is no party at caelins; I will do what I did last night, which is drink coffee and watch tv. and perhaps add some baileys to the coffee. I have two big books on native people that I have to read, so, that'll take me the next 40 hours, easy.

I bet daniels still in the city. I had typed a whole paragraph here but I decided to delete it because it was pretty much internal thoughts anyway and I decided that as I dont really know who you are, I dont really think its important that you know what I feel anyway.

October 21st, 2005
6:20PM

dear daniel,
jhkdefgahkugayur5t3ragfakhfbvay386y852t35gqb3frbahkf
<33333.

October 20th, 2005
10:42PM

sir sir? coffee? sir? Sir sir? would you like some coffee sir. sir would you like some coffee. excuse me, would you like some coffee sir. i have made you some coffee sir. sir? sir? i would like some coffee? coffee? sir? sir?

4:05PM

I'm teaching a band camp for Wolfville kids tomorrow. woo woo.
mad amounts of homework tonight... and by that i mean... two subjects.
primeau must die.

October 19th, 2005
8:49PM

you are the surgeon who cuts me open.
knife scalpel surgical steel
fingers encased in laytex to
(keep you out and keep me in)
stay searching for a way to
feel it too

"drop the scalpel, doctor,
... the monitor went flat ten minutes ago."

can you feel it too?

4:01PM

figurative cash exchanging figurative hands; the bet was won
based on the small bit of defiance that dares you to get my hopes up only to send them
figuratively clashing between figurative hands

October 17th, 2005
9:11PM

its official I will be a pokemon for Halloween.

so, i passed out for three hours tonight, from 6-9, and i had things i want to do. guyysyss.... wtf.....

im going backto ebd

October 16th, 2005
7:05PM

new post to the guestbook by Mat.

sick feeling in my stomach getting increasingly worse as the minutes go by. ive been throwing myself into my homework so I dont have to look how fast time is going and remark about how silent the house is.

why do I have to be the only one in love.

12:44PM

a little tired of being the distraction. never in focus, i am the object in the back of the shot on which you are trying to unfocus the camera to bring out
the picture in front

12:20PM

today will be a day devoid of human expression and filled with fake sentiments in my french homework and canadian history paper. fortunately the rain isn't getting to me anymore, even though everything outside is drenched.

i think macdonalds is open on sundays, and jeff gave me a ticket for a free muffin, so i might walk out for a muffin later. i figure muffins are rather healthy, even when from macdonalds, and if not, the walk itself will prove itself healthy.

i drew a picture of a hand, it is holding a cigarette.

October 15th, 2005
7:49PM

i am wearing lots of lipgloss.

last night was good, fun at caelins, woo woo. stayed up past 3am, I wasnt tired, Im not tired now.

it was a rainy day but it didn't make me sad.

i got to draw in my sketchbook today. I think that art class should involve more construction paper. my first page is robots holding hands and only one of them has rosy cheeks and a red heart. and above are the words to first day of my life which I typed on construction paper with my typewriter and then cut out and reassembled on paper.

and then I drew a picture of a cigarette between idle fingers from a picture I saw on the internet, and I love it even though I suck. <3

October 14th, 2005
4:28PM

Le divorce de Théophile Gautier
by Teka Lark
(taken from poetry.org, can be seen here)

In ballet they won’t allow you to do Pointe Work if you are fat, because Pointe Work is to make the dancer “appear” weightless and being fat would completely make this technique pointless.

American women, that have the bodies of little girls, dancing on the tips of their toes, moving gracefully to moves with French names, and music by Italian and German composers.

“Jete battu!!! Again. Jete battu !!!Again. Jete battu!!!” Again. yells the dance instructor in her Russian accented English and French, and actually dance instructor says she’s not Russian, but Ukrainian.

A 38 year old former ballerina that looks 58, because of the diet of cigarettes and coffee that she’s kept since she was 14 to keep her svelte figure, she used to be with the Bolshoi, “You are lazy, all lazy, and you, silly girl with the blue ribbon, you need to practice more you look like an ox…lazy Americans!!!”

Dance instructor’s career was cut short by another ballerina, yes another ballerina, a better one, a younger one, a healthier one, a more pleasant one, with strong legs, with good feet, and now dance instructor is here, in America, teaching young women with little girl bodies the art of ballet.

A life dedicated to the dance.

A life dedicated to practice, practice, and more practice. A life that’s dedication has made her the proud owner of feet that will never look pretty in sandals, because Pointe Work if you don’t have good feet, takes your feet and makes them into stumps with black toenails, if you are lucky, and if you are not lucky, stumps with no toenails at all. A life that’s made her the owner of legs that other women envy, but will never be naked in the light, pronounced striations on a tool, that’s softness has been practiced away to produce the perfect the arabesque, look grotesque without the correct lighting and the mask of tights.

A life dedicated to the performance. A life dedicated to the perfection of art. A life dedicated to the perfection of perfection.

No ice cream sodas or even an occasional cookie without thinking about the location of the bathroom, the location of the Ipecac, the location of people’s eyes, because if you don’t think, if you don’t practice, if you don’t stay under control you never know where the things that go in, could potentially end up sticking out.

Bad teeth and brittle bones are a small price to pay to be perfect, to be the best, even if it’s only for a petite allegro.

The Bolshoi threw dance instructor away, so now she teaches other dancers who want to be ballerinas, the art of appearing weightless.

11/08/2004

Author's Note: The capitalist ideal can kill you.

4:19PM

I finally bought an art book today with saved up lunch money. I think that lunch money is a good way of generating a small income. However, it is increasingly difficult to buy things with this money because then my parents will ask, how did you pay for this. And then I will have to pretend that it is a product of someone else's generosity and not my own lunch funds.

danny keeps sending me strange instrumentals that make my head feel really big and empty. and now I am glad that I have an art book because I have a curious desire to draw... draw draw draw

yesterday we had a band trip. I bought dinosaurs at the dollar store and sat in the aisle and played with them. a man walked by and looked at me strange. what is so wrong about a girl playing with dinosaurs. wtf else do you expect me to do with them, clean toilets?

ballet dancers have funny bodies, the women are thin but not, because they have large muscular thighs and thick upper chests (although very few had breasts above a B cup). their bodies are toned but designed to be oh so thin. so that they can do the pointe work. because the entire appeal of point work is to make he dancer appear weightless, which is a concept lost on those who do not have the body, as I have learned from the works of Teka Lark.

I will now post this exerpt above under a new time frame, all credits of which go to Teka Lark for Le Divorce de Théophile Gautier (which can be seen here).

October 11th, 2005
7:39PM

I need a job, a new hobby, anything. I could volunteer somewhere... just anything to get me out of this house. no homework anymore. nothing to do. i make plans but they just fall through. and by that i mean... the sort of falling through as when you are standing on the floor and the announcer of the game show is about to tell you the fabulous thing you have won when all of a sudden it turns out you gave the wrong answer and the trap door snaps open and whooosssh you are deceived, deceived and feeling worthless.

and theres a word in here that I'm forgetting...

oh yeah. cheap

noodles for dinner. i can't decide if i want to puke my guts up or eat a bunch of comfort food. either way the end result is brutal warfare on my body. i bet puking would be a whole lot more entertaining than staring at the ceiling for another 12 fucking hours.

why do i ever want to leave school. school is the only place where I am ever occupied. what the fuck would it take for the universe to give me just one good day.

ps thanks for the phonecall

October 10th, 2005
1:06PM

i think I'm bi-polar, its the only way to explain this madness. so pissed off right now. I took a lot of sleeping pills last night though because I've been trying to sleep through the whole weekend. of course it doesnt work because then I cant sleep at night.

the pills are sort of helping, consciousness is like some crappy boring bad dream

so fucking pissed off, you liar

October 9th, 2005
8:02PM

I got mad at my dad at dinner cause he keeps shitting on my parade everytime I try to talk about what I want to do after highschool. hate you dad.

so because I couldnt possibly get any more pissed off the rain was starting to look pretty good... I put on leg warmers and went for a walk in the rain.

i went to the factory because it makes loud humming noises. i found a train and followed the tracks. and found lots of paths and followed them. i put my ear to the tracks to hear a train but there weren't any, just the sound of rain. I saw an apple tree but all the apples were on the highest branches. I found gigantic pit so I climbed down and found a pond that was forming from the rain.

and on the way home cars splashed me because the streets were full of water. it was okay cause I was already wet. so I jumped in all the puddles and waded in the ditches on the way home.

ditches are my favorite. I like rain. i'm going to go drink baileys and coffee and then nap. <3

4:09PM

seriously. so much that there arent even words in the english language to describe my anger. fucking hate everything. i'm going to go walk after dinner and try to get hit by afuckingBUS

3:59PM

hate this entire godforsakenpieceofshit weekend. it has not stopped raining for the last two days. I have slept for the last two hours simply because there was nothing to do. I wasn't even tired. I got a good 12 hour sleep last night.

there is nothing on tv because we don't believe in cable. I cant visit anybody because we have family over. and I am so. so. SO fucking HUNGRY and its driving me mad because I cant kill the craving. and the entire house smells of turkey and I am so hungry.

i think im going to go make some tea and try to make myself pass out until dinner.

10:18AM

Ifuckinghatethanksgiving.

stupid waste of a perfectly good weekend, plagued with fake smiles for visiting relatives. when I could be out losing my sandals or wasting stickers. its one of those holidays where your parents say, not tonight, its Thanksgiving. and then they celebrate it a day too early cause they SUCK, which means that everybody else celebrates it the NEXT DAY, which means THEY cant do anything on MONDAY either.

two days in a row, absolute nothing to do.

i missed the phone last night fuck.2.;42156

October 8th, 2005
7:02PM

is glamorous indie even a genre? only the sober people tell lies.

11:19AM

hate rain. wanted to walk to the mall to buy glow in the dark stars.
might do it anyway.

why does thanksgiving have to be on two days, its too confusing, why cant stores be open all the time.

October 7th, 2005
6:30PM

as you may have heard recently, classic novel To Kill A Mockingbird has been banned from valley schools by our crappy lameass school board. John has started an online petition for those who want to get it back in our schools. so SIGN IT!

1:18PM

I remember prom party, and I was honest and told my mom there would be drinking and stuff. and I was honest when I said I wouldn't do anything, I still remember how obvious it was that I was sober, sulking quietly in the front seat.

I want chef boyardee, but I think I just crave stuff without being hungry. maybe i should eat something I absolutely hate, that will tell my body to stop craving food.

jack is coming over tonight, then we're going up to johns for some fun fun. I hope logan/hannah go, because I will be the only girl. meeeerk.

October 6th, 2005
4:28PM

come back from california, all of us here in florida are
(starved for your attention)

I traded my lunch money for a wicked watch with holographic penguins in it. cleeeaarrrly it was worth it. it feels like Friday but isn't. the boy has a show in hali tonight, at Club 5171. I wish I could go. instead I drew a heart on his shoe.

hunger cravings are small crises, the choice of what to eat is a chore, the urge to push it away overwhelming.

those beautiful lips
the corners of his mouth twitch
kiss obsoletion

(haikuxcore!)

October 4th, 2005
7:01PM

my eyes really hurt. I went on a trip to get sushi with caelin, owen and ellen. caelin and I do not really like sushi. it tastes weird and you have to throw it all in your mouth at once. i prefer to nibble at food. at first it kind of tastes like these weird sandwiches my mom used to make... and then it all goes downhill.

my fingers smell like lemon and seaweed.

then we bought licorice and tried to make the car go crazy by thrasing around in unison (but it was a van so we didn't really get to affect the driving at all). and then we played on the swings at the park and stuff.

i might get a love seat tonight from john. i will beautify it with duct tape and pillows and a blanket, because I hear there might be rips and such in it. it is okay. I am excited. I have to wait to tell my parents first before I get John to bring it over, because they might be angry or something. they like to be informed I guess.

i think they will be mad anyway that I didn't call my mom and tell her what owen's phone number was. she wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to run away to k-os again. she's very sketched out whenever I say that I am going to go play in wolfville.

October 2nd, 2005
4:28PM

did absolutely nothing all day. I think I'll go for a walk tonight. burn some calories

October 1st, 2005
3:19PM

my computer mic is dead, which means that if anybody wants me to ever record more songs, they're going to have to a) buy me a mic or b) let me record at their house. this fucking bloooowsss, I spent the afternoon making extra guitar tracks and vocal rounds and shit, goddamn

10:53AM

omfgomfgomfg i wrote a song, i havent written a song since tommy carnell called me a dirty no talent slut! whatwhat

October 1st, 2005
12:28AM

we are comatose patients we pass in the night
we tell stories in the silence, we can hear but we can never quite react
I am the worst first impression you miss in haste.
we are crows perched silent on a wire hating traffic.

I wont see you tomorrow, goodnight means goodbye.

cut scene wide screen I feel the hands of practical jokes on my body.
I wish that you could look at me and want something you used to feel guilty about.
I am sleeping, it is eleven on friday; I am the errand you run.
on your way here I am dreaming of churches tall and peeling in a row like gravestones.

one last coffee in the morning, see you later.

4pm is estimated departure time.
I will be dead silent as I watch the wheels leave the runway.
I never glued faces in our pictures, what makes you run away?
we once were just crows on a wire, silhouettes of something more beautiful.

I wont see you in the morning, arent you tired?

you told me to not to go, I thought you meant that I
should stay and be with you
but in the morning it is raining and I
never got to say goodbye

i never... i never
got to say goodnight.
i never... i never
meant to say goodbye...