October 22
you used to say I was your dream girl.
and now you've been having nightmares

October 18
I lose, don't I?

October 12
i really cant breathe in this outfit

October 11th

strong strides carry me down the wharf. heels clacking with purpose, echoing over the flat water, bouncing off the mirrored windows of the walls behind me. trying hard to not break out into a full run.

the platform is red, dark like clay. the lights are sporadic, I am walking through dark to the light and back again. the smell of the sea is stronger as I walk, the lights on the other side are brighter, my paces are so level and reassuring that I wonder if they will carry be straight off the pier.

instead of my teeth this time I dig my fingers into your necklace. to see if I can infuse all of my hatred and misery and affection for you into it like some sort of amulet. the waters edge meets, platform ends, this wooden barrier stops the motion but could not physically stop by feet from carrying me over.

so I open my hand the heart drops a foot towards the water, the only thing holding on now is my one finger. it is more by carefulness than coincidence that it still remains in open air. the water is a blanket of darkness beneath, I can't calculate the distance. the only to measure is the time it takes between the release and the plunge... I hold the chain tight now and then let it go. for two seconds I can see the gleam of the pier lights on the chain as it slips down and out of sight. and then...

the distance makes it soft like the sound of a tired head on a pillow. its like something should be said. and all I can think is

sorry.

October 8th

your heart is in the harbor. I hope you drown with it. there are teethmarks in the bottom from where I bit down, you were of no comfort.

and you lie, again, and again. you are such a mass of double negatives and alleged personality changes. you don't know who you are and I don't know who I'm seeing.

it was of no loss to you, you didn't pay for it anyway. and I loved your cheap improvisation, I held on for dear life to your dominating gestures, and you can say you didn't cheat, but you need to touch and you weren't getting it from me.

so there are four hearts of yours drowning sinking in mud rotting and rusting in bodies of water across this province. i tried not to think about how you might have obtained them, and wondered if your lack of receipt quantified the lengths of sacrafice you were willing to attempt.

but there is nothing left to wonder, it is solid fact. rid myself of your sweaters and your necklaces and your earrings and try to bleach the scent of your clothes out of my nose and hope that as everything sinks away that you will drown with it, that you will die for me and not come back, and let me live on. you couldn't even have enough dignity to leave it on a good note. I will not remember you well, it is your fault. someday maybe you will repent.

or just drown

October 5th

and I am way too old for this shit.

in public! and not drunk! every other time you at least had intoxicants to blame. and you never touch me that way, or even at all.

and you couldn't even do it yourself, you had to wait for me to catch you. so now you're caught, and in effect, let free. I am too old for your shit. And I feel bad for her, because you will make her the happiest she will ever be, and then remind her that she will never be capable of finding it ever again when you cheat on her too.

and I hope its okay with you that instead of the reservoir, I'll be throwing all of your things in the harbor tomorrow morning.

and I would also hope that she gives you STDs but knowing you, you've probably slept with her already, and I'd like to not have to second guess myself and take a trip to the clinic just because you're an impulsive little twit who can't keep his pants on.

October 1st

my organs feel so cold and made of glass. he weighs me down like the punishment i worked hard to avoid. he succeeds on luck and my hard efforts push me back, asks me to be proud.

and two weeks will keep him on the other side of the door, off my floor, other side of town, his arm around other girls in pictures at parties he wouldn't invite me to.

and in two weeks it will be okay for me, hopefully, to say enough is enough. and although it is my goal, my new effort now to be as fragile and breakable outside as all my organs are inside, the only thing broken will be us