The Real Journey When I journal, about half of it is me talking to God, trying to chronicle things that happen to me spiritually. That was a large part of what this trip was about, so I'll include all this too.
6-25-03
I’m not just there to meet people, though. I have to remember in all the fun what my “secret mission” is. Something isn’t right here, and we’ve got to fix it, you and I. I don’t want to go another month or week without getting to the bottom of this. I want to experience genuine joy again, and leave behind this unfulfilled feeling forever. I need to use the resources at Cornerstone. I don’t want to leave without taking a new step.
6-26-03
Here’s what I think my problem is: I’d been a Christian for five years with only mediocre instruction. I was being fed milk and mushy carrots, so to speak. That’s how I was able to maintain a child-like faith, but also a childish faith. Right when God was setting things up for me to mature, a combination of other things knocked me down to where I didn’t know where I stood.
Andy started treating me bad and manipulating me, and I put the energy that I should have been focusing on God into praying that it would get better, instead of asking what God’s will was. And when I could have got the strength to leave him, SWYM fell apart. I clung to Andy because I was upset and confused, and it opened the door for him to use me more. I believe that if I’d been allowed to mature in what was happening in SWYM, I could have been stronger and not had so many regrets. Maybe. I don’t know.
Finally, I had neither, and it was the end of the road. I left myself wide open for spiritual attack. Now I’m not so sure if what I discovered in that time was true or if I just convinced myself because I was spiritually weak. Does it matter? Probably not. I have to learn to not let my thoughts affect me, and instead focus my thoughts on spiritual truth. Boy does that sound cheesy. Oh well, who cares.
6-27-03
I realize that I’ve spent a lot of time and effort trying to get people on the board to like me. Why? I don’t feel like I can justify the amount of effort I’ve spent trying to be popular, to no avail. I suspect it may be the same way at Cornerstone. A lot of people are going to say “Dusty Who?” So I have to let it go. I’m not there mainly for them. If I have a call to leave the camp and be alone, or even be free to worship like I used to, even if they don’t understand, I have to follow, no excuses. I’m going, yeah, with some expectations, but I know You’ll come through.


“She sees love where anyone else would see weeds....Dandelions, You see flowers in these weeds”
For so long I’ve felt so worthless, not good for anything or good enough for anyone. It doesn’t help when my own mother, even my dad now, criticize my looks and tell me I’m ugly or not feminine enough. You don't care. You don’t harm my self-consciousness by telling me I need to be prettier or more talented or skinnier. God I hate my weight and my skin and my downfalls, and you don’t care. I’m your baby girl and that’s all that matters. In Your eyes I am as beautiful and pure as You have made me. God I never see how much I need You, but I need you so much.

Arrival at Cornerstone

6-29-03
God, I’m asking you to meet me there. Prepare my heart for something radical that will make everything new again. I don’t know yet what I need to do for you, but may I not have my own interests in the way of what’s supposed to happen. Just be with me and follow me there. Amen.
6-30-03
I haven’t done much today. What happened to coming here and seeking God? What am I supposed to be searching for? I need to go to worship on the beach...I need to. Noah’s been gone for a long time, and since he’s the only one here that I’m fairly good friends with, it freaks me out to be around these people. Especially when people from the other camp come here. I’ve had to remove myself from the group. I hate that. Why am I so intimidated. I need to not be distracted or something.
7-1-03
After Joy Electric, I got into a really pissy mood. Little things were making me upset, Sean and Jen being all cuddly, and the fan not turning off. I didn’t know what to do. I went down to the beach, not knowing what I would find there or what would happen, maybe worship, but they werent’ playing yet. I just sat and asked what to do. That’s all I know. Noah came while I had my head on my knees, touched my elbow and asked what was going on. I told him about the way I’d been feeling for a long time like I was at a horrible stand-still. I told him basically everything, about Ben, my parents, my church and youth group, school. I don’t think I’ve ever spilled so much. I’ve never had a friend to identify. Noah’s really cool like that. I’m glad he’s here. It’s good to have a friend who doesn’t know it all, but can still understand spiritual struggles. Noah said the only real thing I can do is wait for the next step...I’m tired of waiting, but...what else can I do, be patient.
7-2-03
After Havelina, we went back to camp, and Noah and I had a good conversation about being satisfied with our spiritual lives. I know I get frustrated when other people are happy with having a life where they know they shouldn’t be. I think that recognizing that you could be closer to God is at least better than being satisfied with it. I think we both realize how important it is to keep searching.
7-3-03
Today we learned a great lesson. We realized how important for us as Christians to show love to everyone, no matter who they might be, what their background is, or how annoying they are. Our job in the world is to share God’s love. Through the events that happened today, I think Camp Frenzy pulled together in such an amazing way. We’re not just boardies anymore, we’re family. God provided this whole day for us, and for many of us, things are going to be very different from now on.

A New Beginning

7-4-03
God, I thank you for this day so much. It’s like everything was just opened up for me, and I could finally worship in spirit and truth. You’ve re-taught me the meaning of that. God, you’ve totally met me here in every way, and provided every little piece of the puzzle, set up everything so perfectly. You’re so amazing. I listened carefully at the Insyderz show, knowing how snobbish I’ve been about “preppy Christians.” I’ve rediscovered a love of worship songs. I realize now the extent of Your love. Well, I’ll never understand it all, but now I have confidence in Your never ending and never failing love. You’re more to me and bring me more of the love I need more than any human on this earth ever has or could. You’re all I want and all I need.
7-5-03
This Cornerstone has been ground shaking for everyone at Camp Frenzy, but it’s just what we needed. Through all of these events you’ve shown us that as Christians we really are a family, and you’ve brought us so close, it’s amazing. I never thought I’d see it, but you’re revealing a plan in us. You’re showing us how very much we must depend on you, totally. I’m realizing how insignificant I am, and that all my worth comes from you and how You’ve blessed me. My purpose is what You’ve got planned for me. Thank you for bringing me here and meeting me here.