Disclaimer: Hmm . . . did you really think I owned X-men Evolution? I'm sorry to disillusion you :)

Woo, look who came out of retirement. Ah, I know you guys didn't miss me ^_^ . Anyway, the awesome song is called Hey Mister, by Custom. I just thought I'd write some random Brotherhood humor, I miss my boys . . . On with the fic

Hey Mister
By: Kelly
li_luva_2000@yahoo.ca

"Be back in a couple of hours, "called Lance into the living room, where Tabby, Todd, Freddy and Pietro sat in near darkness watching the Simpsons.

"You going to pick up your pretty kitty?" Asked Todd, clasping his hands together and fluttering his eyes lashes.

Tabitha giggled, doing an imitation of Kitty, "Like Toad, oh my God. Hello. I like so totally do not look like that."

"Ha, you wished you looked like this," he replied, striking a pose.

Pietro snickered. "Oh yeah, I'm sure Lance is kicking himself that his girlfriend doesn't look more like you."

"You know it. Who wouldn't want me?"

"Uh," replied Lance, mock pondering, "Everybody?"

Todd pouted. Tabitha kissed him playfully on the top of the head. "Don't listen to him Toddles, I think you're cute."

"Cute like my ass," scoffed Pietro.

"Hey, nobody was denying that you have a cute ass, Speedy," smiled Tabitha.

Pietro blushed a deeper shade of red and turned back to the TV. Tabby threw a handful of popcorn at him. "Loser, you're supposed to compliment me back, not become all anti-social. Geez, I have to teach you guys everything. You'd all be women-ly inept if it weren't for me."

"News flash," said Todd, downing a handful of popcorn before Tabby threw it all, "We are all women-ly inept. Well, except for Lance the Lover-boy."

It was Lance's turn to blush. Fred looked up, "Hey guys come on, leave him alone."

"Thank you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," said Pietro, brushing popcorn from his lap. He smiled sweetly at Lance, "After all, he is the only one of us getting any pussy . . ." Lance whipped the bowl of popcorn at him. Pietro zipped out of the way, "Uh . . . I mean Kitty."

"You better," fumed Lance.

"Oh, come on," retorted Pietro, ducking behind the couch Tabby and Todd were sitting on, "you're only mad because it's true. We heard you last night."

"The whole neighborhood heard you guys last night," added Todd, snagging some popcorn from Pietro's chair with his tongue. Lance blushed again. He was still trying to think of a reply when Pietro thwacked Todd on the back of his head.

"Loser," he scolded, "You just got slime on my chair."

"You're not even sitting in it! You're cowering behind the freaking couch, yo!" exclaimed Todd incredulously, rubbing his head and glowering at Pietro for the unwarranted attack.

"So that makes it alright for you to secret bodily fluid there?" Pietro hit Todd again, this time a little bit harder.

Todd narrowed his eyes, "That's it, you little hyperactive freak. I'm going to give you something to cower from!"

Lance knew a good diversion when he saw it and took the opportunity to head out the front door. He could still hear Todd and Pietro from the front lawn.

"I'd love to see you try frog boy . . . AGH . . .Tabby, Todd got slime in my hair!"

"Tabby, Pietro's in my room!"

"Tabby, Todd's got dirty magazines under his bed."

"Pietro! Put those back! I really don't Tabby!"

"Yes he does! Yes he does! Hey, this doesn't look like your regular slime Todd . . . I wonder if it's OWWW. HELP ME! HELP ME! HE'S GOT A PILLOW!"

Lance heard two small explosions and all was quiet. He shook his head. Just another typical night at the Brotherhood residence. He had just shifted the Jeep into reverse when Tabby ran out the front door carrying a small black object. Lance unrolled his window and took it gratefully.

"Thanks Tab, I can't believe I almost forgot this."

She laughed. "All your careful planning would have gone to waste." She creased her eyebrows, "Are you really sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course," he replied firmly, though he felt his stomach knot, "I'm sure they'll see the humor in this and grow to love and respect instead of persecute me."

Tabby face faulted, "Uh sure," she smiled encouragingly, "Just watch out for Logan's claws."

*~*~*~*

Kitty checked her watch for the fifth time in the last two minutes. Lance was late. She flopped back down into the easy chair with a sigh. Usually, they would have just met up at the movies, but her Jetta was broken again. It was the third time this month.

She couldn't really blame Lance for being late, or even if he didn't come at all. Between Kurt, Scott, and Logan's questioning, she was sure he felt like public enemy number one every time he tried to take her out. She was a little worried though. Lance had vowed to her last night that he had just the plan to get them to lighten up. When Lance planned, it usually meant something . . . interesting was about to happen.

"What's eating you?" asked Jean uninterestedly.

"She's got a hot date with the rock head and he's late," replied Evan nonchalantly, flicking through the TV channels.

"He's not a rock head," replied Kitty indignantly, "and how do you know that anyway. I swear if you've been listening to my phone conversations again . . ."

"Actually, that little tidbit came courtesy of your little dot com diary," he smile mischievously, "and don't worry, I was sure to send an email of that entry to Logan, Scott and Kurt so they had plenty of time to prepare for his visit. They're out at the front entrance as we speak."

"EVAN DANIELS, YOU ARE SO DEA . . ."

The intercom beep interrupted her, it was Rogue. "Hey Kitty, Lance is here. You might want to go rescue him from the front porch Spanish inquisition before they rip him to shreds."

"Thanks Rogue," she answered sweetly, silently plotting how to make Evan's death look like an accident. She rushed out the front door to indeed find Logan, Scott, and Kurt perched in their regular Lance-grilling positions. However, instead of their usual gruff looks, they simply stared in open-mouthed shock. Kitty followed their gaze in horror to find Lance standing on top of his Jeep, a small black microphone in his hand and his stereo system blasting.

"This song is dedicated to you three guys," he said, Vegas-lounge singer style, "You're doing a great job, really. I mean, it's like Kitty has three extra fathers busting my ass every time I come. I appreciate it. So I'm sending this song out to you . . ."

"Hey Mister I really like your daughter,
I'd like to eat her like ice cream
maybe dip her in chocolate

Hey Mister on your way out
in your Volvo, suit, and tie
We'll, be crawling in your bed sir
messing around, maybe getting high

It's not what you did,
It's not what you didn't
God gave her the perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and it's a good one at that I'm sure

Hey Mister I really like your daughter.
When I'm horny like thirsty
She's a bottle of water.
Hey Mister how'd it get so bad
You raised her so well
and now she's calling me dad
in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen
the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

It's not what you did,
It's not what you didn't
God gave her the perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and it's a good one at that I'm sure

I eat all the food in your fridge
Call my friends around the world
Rack up your long distance too
Breakstands neutral drops
Wreck all your cars
Drink all the booze in your cheezy ass wet bar
Order stuff on your credit cards
Leave boogers in the skippy jar
Smoke your cigars
Answer the phone tell your boss you moved to mars

It's not what you did, It's not what you didn't
God gave her the perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and it's a good one at that I'm sure

I can't lie I have to tell the truth
My commandments say I'm a total spoof
Your daughter's a freak
Your daughter's a pro
When I'm done with her
She'll do one of you bros

I hope I never have a daughter
I hope I never have a daughter
I hope I never have a daughter
I hope I never have a daughter"

*~*~*~*

Lance limped through the front door of the boarding house and let out a loud groan. Every part of his body ached. Tabby, Todd, Pietro, and Fred rushed out of the living room, a worried look on their faces.

"Oh my God. What did they do to you?" blurted Tabitha, ducking under Lance's right arm and letting him rest on her for support, "Come on, let's get you to the living room. Todd, help me carry him in there. Pietro, I want you to get me a face cloth and a blanket and Fred, you go get some water." She lay him down gently on the sofa and began to clean his cuts with the wash cloth.

He smiled weakly at her, "Apparently they lack a sense of humor at the X-mansion."

"I told you to watch out for Logan's claws."

"It wasn't Logan," exclaimed Lance with a moan, pulling the blanket over his head, "It was Kitty."

The End