"  Why does SeaWorld have a seafood restaraunt? I'm halfway through my fishburger when I realize, oh my god..I could be eating a slow learner! "     - Lynda Montgomery

" Having a smoking section in a restaraunt is a little like having a peeing section in a pool"

" Why is it that when we talk to God we're praying , but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? "   - Lily Tomlin

"  One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was taking my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned - down warehouse. 'Oh no' I said, 'Disneyland burned down' . He cried and cried, but deep down I think he thought it was a pretty good joke "     - Jack Handney

Just Some Random Quotes...   (most of em are courtesy of Kris..)

" Now they show you how detergents take out large bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. "

" Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding ' youre making a scene' "   - Homer Simpson

" When I was a lil kid we had a sandbox.  it was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually "    - Stephen Wright

"Oh Lisa, you and your stories : Bart's a vampire, Beer kills brain cells. now let's go back to that..building thingie..where our beds and tv ...is "    - Homer Simpson

" Friends help you move. Real friends help you move the bodies "

" I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him, 'Come here, Stay' 'Come here Stay ' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing "    - Stephen Wright

" If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.  "    - Bobcat

" Oh yeah , and whatre you gonna do? Release the dogs?  or the bees? or the dogs with the bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? "    - Homer Simpson