It's Not Easy Being UICsy

all the other applicants is still a miracle to me.
Now down to business. We at the XSA like to have fun, and, contrary to popular belief "fun is fun," but I'd like to talk to you about something serious today. Something that deeply affects every good, honest, softball-loving fan. I'd like to talk to you today about the XSA Rule Book, or lack there of.
First off, rest assured we are working at a feverish pace in order to bring you, the XSA fans and athletes, a respectable and thorough rule book. Dont believe me? Go to Hell. For the rest of you, I have decided to give you a sneak peek at some of the potential rules that are currently being hotly debated at XSA headquarters. So, for your pleasure some Potential Rules for the XSA!!!! (In retrospect, all of those exclamation points were somewhat gratuitous):

1) Any player with the last name "Moon," or whose nickname rhymes with "Coke," shall be banned from all league participation.

2) During the 5th inning stretch, each team's captain will be rewarded by getting to stone one midget apiece. (Bob Saget can be substituted for midget at cost of one run.)

3) No Fat Chicks!

4) Plug shall finally be pulled on Strom Thurmond.

5) No matter what Babcock says, players do not have to "Hail to the Chief."

6) Under the new "Autrey Clause," homeplate will be replaced with a family-sized "dish" of pasta.

7) Any game lasting more than an hour and 25 minutes, shall be finished with umpires in shorts and players in Bikinis.

8) If, after 7 innings, a game is tied, it shall be decided with a fierce game of pogs.

Of course, these are not the only rules up for consideration, but time constrains me. Check in every Friday when this column gets updated. Seriously, what else are you going to be doing? Your heroin habit can wait for 5 minutes.

As a way of becoming better acquainted with the XSA crowd, I have decided, with approval from one Phil Mulroe, of course, that it would in my best interest to write a column now and then to let you the reader and rabid XSA fan get a nice feel of whats going on inside the XSA scene.
For starters, I would like to thank Phil Mulroe and Mr. Larry Babcock for giving me this illustrious position. That I was selected out of