Author: Raven Wings1.
PG-13 - Humor
Dedication: This is dedicated to my friend Rebecca, who is a weird person, and a
HUGE fan of Jerry Springer and X-Men.
Disclaimer: Ok, none of this stuff is mine. Jerry Springer belongs to himself,
The X-Men cartoon and comic belong to Marvel and Stan Lee, and the X-Men movie
belongs to....Bryan Singer, I guess, although he shouldn't have them!
JERRY: Welcome to the show. Today, we have some very special guests with us. Not
only are they super-heroes with mutant powers, but they all are going to bitch
about life, which is something they never do, because then there would be no
point reading and watching their stuff. Who wants to watch people complain about
their lives?
AUDIENCE: Uhh, we do. That's why we are here, ya know.
JERRY: Oh...Umm...First, we have Cyclops. Cyclops, could you tell us about your
problem?
CYCLOPS: *waves at camera* Hi mum! Look, Im on TV! Oh wait- I've already been on
TV. Never mind, mum!
JERRY: Err...Cyclops? Your problem?
CYCLOPS: Oh, right. Sorry Jerry. I'm here because I'm sick of the love triangle
I've been put in. I think I deserve better!
AUDIENCE: *claps and cheers* Cyclops! Cyclops!
*Cyclops is temporarily stunned by the fact that there are people cheering for
him for once, but quickly shakes it off*
JERRY: Could you tell us a bit about this love triangle?
CYLOPS: Sure Jerry. Well, my girlfried Jean and I have been going out for
several years. We were happy, but then Marvel introduces this amnesiac guy
called Wolverine, who wants my girl! Well, at first things are fine. Jean
chooses me over him. But then, the movie came out. Bryan Singer puts her in a
room with him while he's got no shirt on! Of course her gaze is going to wander!
JERRY: Hmm, is this all that's worried you?
CYCLOPS: No. Recently, there have been these evil people called authors changing
our relationship. At least the movie had to basically follow the cartoon and
comics, so Jean stayed with me. These authors though...they're crazy!
Unpredictable!
JERRY: *coughs lightly* Ahem! *gives Cyclops a look to remind him of the
delusional 14 year old budding author writing this*
CYCLOPS: Oh...right. Well, these authors cant seem to make up their minds.
Sometimes Jean is with me, but often at those times, she is ditzy and annoying,
and I dont want her then.Other times, she is with Wolverine, but at those times
she is smart, and funny...it's unfair! Sometimes I think the authors are out to
get me!
AUTHORS: Well, duh!
JERRY: Ok, Cyclops, I think you need to tell Jean how you feel. Jean Grey, come
on out!
*Jean walks on to the stage and sits down*
AUDIENCE: Boooo!!!
FAT WOMAN: Go back to the brothel you came from!
*audience laughs*
JEAN GREY: *narrows eyes* Excuse me? *creates telekinetic shield around woman's
head and cuts off her air supply. Woman slowly chokes*
AUTHOR: *in booming voice*Tut tut, Jean. Control yourself! *takes away
telekinetic shield, and woman gasps for air*
JERRY: Ok, Jean, you're here today because Cyclops has something to say to you.
CYCLOPS: *clears throat* Jean, you have to choose between me and Wolverine.
JEAN: *looks around helplessly* Author? What should I do? Help me!
*Author appears in audience in a cloud of black smoke, and creates a bucket of
popcorn for herself, before sitting down in the front row*
AUTHOR: No way! I'm curious to see how you dig yourself out of this hole.
CYCLOPS: Err, Author? You're writing this story, so you'll have to make her
decision for her anyway.
AUTHOR: *Narrows eyes* I don't like you very much, so I was bound to do
something like this eventually, but I was going to wait a while. You have
brought this upon yourself.
CYCLOPS: Brought what upon myself?
*lightning bolt appears out of nowhere, and zaps Cyclops, making his hair stand
up, charrs his clothes, but leaves him fairly unharmed*
AUTHOR: That was a warning.
JERRY: Let that be a lesson for all of us who are at her command. Well,
throughout this, we've had Wolverine backstage in a soundproof booth. We're
going to bring him out now.
*Wolverine saunters on to the stage amidst cat-calls from the female part of the
audience, and some of the men. He hands Jean a bouquet of flowers, and kisses
her on the cheek, then sits down grinning evilly, because he knows he has pissed
Cyclops off*
CYCLOPS: Why, you BEEP! *leaps threateningly out of chair*
WOLVERINE: *SNIKT!* Bring it on, Squinty!
*Cyclops fires an optic blast at Wolverine, who dodges, so it demolishes his
chair, and part of the set. Wolverine leaps in close, and slices through the
visor with his claws. Cyclops shuts his eyes, so he doesn't harm innocent
audience members (if you can even call those sadistic creeps innocent).
Wolverine starts punching Cyclops, who is punching air in the hopes he will hit
Wolverine*
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
*Two large, bald men in black who would look threatening if they weren't
grinning 'cause they really-enjoy-their-jobs seperate the two*
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
*Throughout all this, Jean has been sitting calmly in her chair, pondering which
one too choose*
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! *they clap, cheer, and whistle, and sound
remarkably like a pack of trained seals*
AUTHOR: That's it! I'm sick of this! On with the show!
*A black cloud surrounds the two bald men, and the two mutants, and engulfs the
stage. When it clears, the bald men are back in their positions, and Wolverine
and Cyclops (who is wearing his repaired visor) are sitting
in their chairs again. The set, and Wolvie's chair have been miraculously
repaired*
AUDIENCE: Oh, damn!
AUTHOR: Jean Grey has finally made up her mind, and you two are fighting,
instead of wanting to
hear what she says! I want to know her decision, which means you two are going
to have to sit down and SHUT UP!
*Wolverine wisely remains silent. But, Cyclops being who he is.....*
CYCLOPS: But you're the author! You already know her decision!
AUTHOR: I warned you!
*Suddenly the chair Cyclops is sitting in comes to life. It clamps one arm of
itself around Cyclops' waist, and the other stretches and covers his mouth. He
begins to choke, because the arms are holding him really tightly. The audience
comes to life.*
AUDIENCE: Author! Jerry! Author! Jerry!
WOLVERINE: LOSER! HA! That's what happens when you mess with the author.
*Cyclops blasts the arms of the chair with his visor thingy (well duh, like you
all couldn't see that coming!) and attacks Wolverine again. The two grinning
bald men who-really-enjoy-their-jobs pry them apart again. This time, the author
sits back and watches, smiling cause she already knows who's gonna win.*
WOLVERINE: Maybe you would fight better if you had two eyes, Cyclops!
CYCLOPS: At least I dont wear yellow spandex!
WOLVERINE: At least there isn't a stick so far up my rear end it nearly comes
out my mouth!
CYCLOPS: At least I don't wear yellow spandex!
WOLVERINE: At least I'm not a DICK!
CYCLOPS: At least I don't wear yellow spandex!
WOLVERINE: That's the third time you've said that, bub. Come up with some new
insults!
CYCLOPS: At least I don't wear yellow spandex!
WOLVERINE: *growls and struggles against his bald captor* That's it, you're
dead! *breaks free from baldy*
AUDIENCE: Yay! Gratuitous violence! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JERRY: Why are you all cheering for me? The author has barely included me in
this story, and it's supposed to be my show! I haven't said anything worthwhile.
AUTHOR: Well, you're speaking now, so enjoy it!
JERRY: Alright then. I think that we have all become distracted from the real
purpose of this show.
AUDIENCE: And what's that?
JERRY: To bitch about life, fight, and make decisions to hurt others. These two
are just trading insults and fighting- oh wait, thats ok. Never mind.
AUDIENCE: Shhh! We're watching the fight! This is better than WWF.
*By this time, Cyclops is sporting many deep wounds from adamantium claws, and
can barely see out of his two black eyes. Well, they are black under his visor,
trust me :-) *
CYCLOPS: *looks at author* Why?
AUTHOR: Oh, come on. You didn't think I'd just do some crappy trick with a
chair, did you?
CYCLOPS: Oh. Damn. *collapses, unconcious*
AUTHOR: Lets hear Jean's decision.
*Jean, being the stupid ditz that she is, hasn't done anything but sit there and
twirl a strand of hair around her finger. Everyone knows that she doesn't fight
unless there is a chance she can fake being tired, and thus get lots of
attention by collapsing into Cyclops' arms. Now, she stands up, looking pleased
with herself.*
JEAN: I've made my decision!
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerr- err, sorry. What's the decision?
*Suddenly, Cyclops regains conciousness*
CYCLOPS: To the Blackbird! *looks around, and suddenly remembers where he is*
WOLVERINE: I knew you practised saying that! Look, he automatically says it when
he wakes up!
JERRY: What a sad, sorry person he is...
JEAN: Hello? I made up my mind here, people!
*Author begins to chuckle evilly, because she know what Jean is going to say.
Cyclops has dragged himself back to his chair. Wolverine is giving him a look
that says "if Jean chooses you, I'll beat the crap out of you*
JERRY: Why don't you tell us who you have chosen, Jean?
JEAN: *smiles broadly* I choose.....Beast!
CYC/WOLV: BEAST!!!!!! BEEPIN' BEEP!!!
AUDIENCE: BEAST!!!!!! BEEP! BEEP BEEP!
JERRY: BEAST!!!!!! BEEEEEEEEEP!!
AUTHOR: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
JEAN: Yes, Beast. He's so lovely, and furry. Besides, I like blue. And he's a
doctor, which means he is really smart, and probably gets paid a lot.
*Cyclops faints again. Wolverine looks stunned for a second, then shrugs it off*
WOLVERINE: Ahh well, darlin', whatever makes you happy. So long as you're not
with Mr Super Hero Complex over there.
JEAN: *smiles 100 watt grin* Why, thankyou for being so supportive, Wolverine. I
never would have expected that.
*Wolverine smiles at her, then walks off set, flexing his claws in and out, and
mumbling about the various ways to slice-and-dice blue, furry doctors*
JERRY: Well. None of us expected that! Thanks for being on the show today, Jean.
JEAN: No problems, Jerry. *smiles again, in that bright, false, Barbie doll way,
before walking off stage to find a certain blue, furry doctor*
CYCLOPS: *suddenly waking up again* To the Blackbird! *looks around, and
realises everyone has gone* Where did they all go?
JERRY: Cyclops, we need you to get off the stage now so we can film our next
segment to the show. Here's a complimentary sample bag, containing the Jerry
Springer notebook, sticker, biro, fridge magnet, and a special video called "The
life through the eyes of Springer."
CYCLOPS: *takes the bag looking numb* Thanks, Jerry. *walks off stage*
JERRY: *looks at camera* Ok folks, we'll be back, after this add break.
*cheesy music begins to play*
IN THE X-MANSION...
BEAST: *flips off TV* Oh BEEP!
TO BE CONTINUED......?