1.14 A Fistful Of Dinars
aka Three For Godhood, The Hard Way

my rating: 3/10
hearstarters rating: 3/10
genre: adventure

 

Written by Steven L. Sears and R.J. Stewart
Edited by Robert Field
Directed by Josh Becker

Guest Stars
Jeremy Roberts as Thersites
Peter Daube as Petracles
Richard Foulkes Jr. as Lycus
Huntly Eliott as Calicus
Merv Smith as Head Villager
John Smith as Marleus
Lawrence Wharerau as Klonig

Disclaimer: No Ambrosia was Spilled, Spoiled or in any way harmed during the production of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.)

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TRANSCRIPT

Klonig [K]: “You’re a dead man, Lycus. Dead men don’t need
treasure.”

X: “Pardon me.”

Lycus [L]: “Xena! It’s the Titan’s key. Get-- the pouch!”

X: “Gabrielle-- look after him.”

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X: “Give me the pouch.”

K: “You don’t think I’ve been following Lycus for three years
to give the treasure up now, do you? This is the second clue.”

Thersites [Th]: “Oops.”

X: “Thersites.”

Th: “Hello.”

X: “I’m not surprised to see you here. You’ve got one of the
four clues to the Sumerian treasure.”

Th: “Close-- I’ve got two of the clues-- mine, and Klonig’s
here. He talks way too much when he drinks. Lycus’ clue--”

X: “-- is in the ouch?”

Th: “Yes-- and you’re going to give it to me.”

X: “Oh, really? Hmm. Sumerian-- but hardly a clue-- unless
you could mean this.”

Th: “Give it to me. It’s useless to you! Hey, hey, what are
you doing? Oh, give me that!”

X: “There was a map on that parchment. Now, I know where to go.
You coming?”

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X: “Petracles has the fourth clue. I’ll go to him. I know him
better than you do.”

G: “He died a little after you left. He said he was following
you.”

Th: “Who’s the brat?”

G: “I’m Gabrielle. Who are you?”

Th: “Go away. We’ll meet at the road, near the wood’s edge.
And make sure you bring Petracles’ clue.”

G: “Who-- rather-- what was that?”

X: “That’s Thersites. He’s an assassin. Lycus was an old
friend of mine.”

G: “What’s going on, Xena?”

X: “Have you ever heard of the lost treasure of the Sumerians?”

G: “Have I-- huh! The entire wealth of the Sumerians hidden
away? More wealth than mortal man can imagine. Yeah, you might
say I’ve heard of it.”

X: “There are four clues to finding the treasure. Four men
each had one clue. Now, Thersites has two of them, and I have
Lycus.’”

G: “Now, wait-- I know you’re not just after the treasure.
Come on, there’s gotta be more to this.”

X: “Legend has it that with the Sumerian treasure you can find
the Titan key. Only Lycus and I knew that. And with the Titan
key you’ll find Ambrosia.”

G: “Ambrosia? The food of the gods?”

X: “Yes! And any mortal who eats it becomes a god. That’s why
we have to find it first.”

G: “I’ll get the horse.”

X: “Goodbye, my friend.”

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[ACT I]

X: “The Hall of Ambrosia is built into a cavern at the foot of
Mt. Poulis.”

G: “Poulis? That volcano’s about to erupt.”

X: “I think Lycus knew that if it did, there’s achance that the
cavern could open up, and the ambrosia would be exposed.”

G: “Can you imagine someone like Thersites as a god?”

X: “He and Petracles know nothing about the Ambrosia. As far
as they’re concerned, this is just a hunt for treasure.”

G: “So, what’s this Petracles like?”

X: “He’s a warlord. He’s an ambitious, ruthless, dominating,
conniving liar. He’ll say anything he can to get a woman to
fall for him, and, then, once he has her, he uses her.”

G: “So, you’ve met.”

X: “We were to be married. That’s his camp up ahead.”

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Petracles [P]: “This has me in a quandary-- a puzzlement. I
don’t wanna burn your village and enslave your families-- I
really don’t. Not that I don’t like those things.”

Man: “But, you already have our cattle, and our horses, and
weapons.”

P: “Your weapons. Seriously! You don’t think those out-dated
tin-plate swords are any use to me? No, I have to justify my
actions here; otherwise-- I’ll lose face with my men. You can
understand that, can’t you?”

G: “If you use a cold compress, it won’t swell.”

P: “Xena-- it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? So, I don’t suppose
this is a social call?”

X: “This is pure business. Gabrielle?”

G: “Hi.”

P: “Sumerian treasure. Who had this?”

X: “Lycus-- he’s dead.”

P: “That’s too bad. He was a good man.”

Man: “Excuse me, Lord Petracles. Are you done with us?”

P: “Hmm? Yes, yes, go.”

Man: “A-a-a-about the cattle--”

X: “Give them their cattle.”

P: “Take your cattle.”

X: “You’ve got one of the clues, and I’ve got three.
Interested?”

Man: “W-w-w-we can’t herd the cattle without horses.”

X: “Give them the horses.”

P: “Take your horses. Now, go. Talk to me about treasure.”

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P: “Why do you keep looking at me?”

G: “Xena told me never to turn my back on you.”

P: “She really hates me, doesn’t she?”

G: “Hate’s a pretty strong word-- but it might be the right
one.”

P: “But not you.”

G: “I don’t know you-- only what I’ve been told.”

P: “And that is?”

G: “That you’re a bloodthirsty warlord-- who doesn’t care about
anything or anyone but yourself. You’d sooner sell out your
soul for a profit than keep an honest promise that kind of
stuff.”

P: “Well, thanks for being up front. But, as far as the
bloodthirsty warlord bit, mmm-- not qute.”

G: “What about the villagers you were threatening?”

P: “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a nice guy. But I wasn’t
gonna kill anyone. I-- I was just bluffing. So-- what kind of
clue did Xena get from Lycus?”

G: “Oh, no, no, no, no. Xena said you’d try this. You can’t
sweet-talk information out of me-- wrong target.”

P: “Oh, I don’t know-- some people consider me the king of
sweet-talk.”

G: “Well-- hand over the crown, ‘cause you just met your match.
When I was five, I talked my parents into giving me my own
pony.”

P: “When I was fifteen, I talked a warlord into giving me his
army.”

G: “I once talked a Cyclops out of his dinner. And I was the
dinner.”

P: “I talked Xena into marrying me.”

X: “Gabrielle-- why don’t you walk up here with me?”

G: “You can keep your crown.”

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X: “You shouldn’t talk to that man. He’s only going to use you
to get information. If he even suspected we were after the
Ambrosia--”

G: “Look-- he’s not gonna find out. It’s-- it was just a
friendly conversation. He’s-- he’s funny.”

X: “I am asking you not to talk to him.”

G: “And I am asking you to trust me. Look, I’m an adult,
remember?”

X: “Right.”

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Th: “What’s he doing here? I thought you said you were going
to bring-- his clue. Petracles-- how are you?”

P: “Quite well, actually.”

Th: “Too bad.”

X: “Come on, let’s get going.”

Th: “Hold on. There’s something I think we need to agree upon.
Since I have two of the clues, I feel that I should have-- half
the treasure.”

P: “If anything, I deserve half. A warrior is gonna be a lot
more useful on this quest than a murderer.”

Th: “Assassin! I’m an assasin!”

X: “You mean, there’s a difference?”

Th: “Yes, assassination is for pay. Murder is for, mmm,
kicks.”

G: “Not that it means anything, but there are four of us.”

Th: “There doesn’t have to be.”

X: “Be nice.”

P: “Ah, friends-- we have some company.”

X: “Who’s this?”

Th: “Oh, it’s my ex-employer. I was doing a job for him when I
got side-tracked by Lycus. He’s going to want somebody’s head.”

Marleus [M]: “I thought we had a deal. I asked you for the
head of Covetous.”

Th: “Yes, well, Covetous still has his head, and he’s gonna
keep it for a few more days. Don’t worry, you’ll get it soon,
as agreed.”

M: “As agreed means on time. His death means nothing to me if
I have to wait. If I can’t have the head that I want, I’ll take
four that I don’t!

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[ACT II]

Th: “Four heads, Marleus. Don’t be an amateur. I’m the one
who kills. I’m the one with the tricks up his sleeve.”

Man1: “He killed Marleus! Run!”

Man2: “Run!”

Th: “He’s already paid me 5000 dinar. So-- I’ll just take
another five for a job well done.”

P: “Spoken like a greedy Sumerian.”

Th: “Yes-- I am Sumerian. The rest is Sumerian tax. And the
next time you feel the desire-- to yank me by the short hairs--
(BOING!) ‘Nuff said.”

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X: “Peis territory-- Keep you eyes open and weapons drawn.
Peisons don’t take prisoners.”

Th: “Oh, what a nice place to visit if you wanna die here.”

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P: “Do you hear?”

X: “Yes-- stay close. Run! Run!”

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X: “Petracles-- secure the other side.”

P: “All clear!”

X: “OK, one-- one at a-- one at a time! Gabrielle.”

P: “Hurry! Hurry up! Move!”

X: “Thersites, wait! Wait!”

Th: “Move, girlie! Move it or die! Come on!”

G: “Be still![?]”

X: “Gabrielle!”

G: “Xena! Xena! I can’t hold on! I can’t hold on! Xena.
Get off me!”

Th: “Stay out of my way!”

G: “Xena!”

Th: “Petracles! Help me!”

G: “Xena! Xena!”

X: “Come on, Gabrielle!”

P: “Come on, Gabrielle!”

G: “I got you.”

P: “OK, Xena!”

G: “You-- stinking, smelly scumbag!”

Th: “What?!”

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X: “You all right?”

G: “Yeah, I’ll be all right. That man scares me.”

X: “Believe it or not, I’m more worried about Petracles.”

G: “Yeah, well-- I don’t understand it.”

X: “Well, at least Thersites is up front; there’s nothing
hidden about him. Petracles is different. He’s good at reading
people and using that to manipulate them. And once he has your
trust-- he’s got you.”

Th: “Unless you’re here bringing me food or maybe a nice
back-rub-- huh? No? Go away.”

X: “I won’t forget what happened back there at the bridge.”

Th: “What?”

X: “You almost got Gabrielle killed by what you did.”

Th: “Is that what you’re upset about? Ah, yeah-- what’s the
big deal? She’s worthless-- she hasn’t got any clues. I say--
the more for the rest of us.”

X: “If she dies-- you die. See, I don’t care that much for
treasure.”

Th: “No, I-- I don’t think you do.”

X: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Th: “Well, you-- you haven’t got that fire in your eyes. You
know, that-- that gold-lust. Petracles has got it, and I was
born with it. But you-- hmm-- I’m just a little curious as to--
why you’re searching for the treasure.”

X: “Well, you’ll just have to stay curious, won’t you?”

Th: “I know one thing-- it’s not greed. I know greed.”

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G: “Ah-- I-- I-- I found some sticks near the-- the campsite.”

P: “So you thought you’d bring them out here.”

G: “That’s-- yep-- that’s strange, isn’t it? I-- actually, I--
I wanted to talk to you.”

P: “Sure.”

G: “I-- want to know what happened between you and Xena.”

P: “What has she told you?”

G: “Nothing-- she warns me about you.”

P: “Oh, she’s right to warn you. She probably said I was
lying, manipulative, double-crossing-- does that hit it all?”

G: “Well, you’ve got a ways to go, but that’s-- that’s close.”

P: “When Xena and I met, we were very young. Neither of us
knew what love was. We confused possession with passion. We
had to own each other. I was a little better at it than she
was. I asked her to marry me, because I thought that was the
best way to conquer her.”

G: “I bet you had a surprise coming.”

P: “No, Gabrielle, it worked. She was mine. And when I
realized I had her-- I didn’t want her anymore.”

G: “That’s incredibly cruel.”

P: “Yes, but I judged everything in terms of the battlefield.
And the funny thing was-- when any battle was won, I lost
interest in the spoils.”

G: “It must have been an empty experience.”

P: “You’re very smart Gabrielle-- very perceptive-- very
beautiful.”

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X: “Shh. I’ve got two fingers pressed against your throat.
You know what I can do. Don’t mess with my friend.”

P: “What makes you think I am?”

X: “I’ve seen your line of seduction before, remember? You’re
giving her all the same looks you used on me. It’s very
familiar territory.”

P: “If you didn’t have your fingers pressed against my life at
the moment-- I’d say you were jealous. Are you?”

X: “You hurt my friend, and I will rip your throat out.”

P: “Did it ever occur to you that I might not be the same
person?”

X: “Don’t even think of telling me that. You haven’t changed.
I remember everything about you, and there is nothing new.”

P: “Do you remember our wedding bracelets?”

X: “Yes, I threw it in the fire-- like I do all my garbage.”

P: “Funny-- I traded mine to an arms dealer for weapons.
Look-- I’m not out to hurt your friend. I only want my share of
the treasure. After that-- we never have to see each other
again.”

X; “I look forward to it-- but just you remember my warning.”

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X: “The temple of Demeter is there like you said.”

Th: “Of course it is! That was Klonig’s clue-- ‘Retrieve the
jewel of Demeter.’ So, who goes in and who stays?”

X: “Gabrielle has to go in-- she’s the one who has to talk to
them.”

P: “I’ll go with her.”

X: “Thersites will go with her.”

P: “So, you’d rather let your best friend go with the
assassin.”

Th: “He’s got a point. I’d just as soon kill them and take it.
But you wanna do it your way.”

X: “Petracles and I are better with spears, so we should be the
ones to create the distraction. Let’s go.”

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G: “Great temple of Demeter. The place for meditation and
consideration for all the Earth that we can be thankful for.”

Man: “You are strangers here. What’s your purpose?”

G: “Purpose? Why, to pay homage to the Mother of the Earth,
the goddess of the farm, Demeter. You see-- we are from your
sister temple, in Nonamia.”

Man: “I know of no temple in Nonamia-- I’ve never even heard of
the land.”

G: “It’s across the waters-- big waters-- huge waters! You
see, we have come to honor the goddess, and-- to offer a gift.”

Man: “Ah-- true believers. Please, come inside. And please
feel free to drink the ceremonial wine.”

Th: “I could use a shot. Ah-- Mm-mmm. It’s very hot, hot.
[Sniffs]”

G: “There it is.”

Th: “Where are they? If they don’t get here soon, I’m gonna
start killing people.”

G: “They’re gonna be here.”

Man: “Come on, let’s go!”

Th: “That’s it-- let’s move.”

G: “Yes. Look out!”

Guard: “Incoming!”

Man: “Blasphemers!”

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[ACT III]

Man: “You have committed the most horrible sacrilege. For
this-- you will die. Your limbs will be torn from your bodies,
your eyes from your skulls. But first, we will inflict on you
the severest torture before ending your pathetic lives. Your
doom is assured! However-- I- I could be mistaken.”

P: “Go!”

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Th: “Those sheep won’t come after us. Give me the ruby.”

P: “You’ve gotta be kidding.”

Th: “I’m the one who risked my butt to get it-- I carry it!”

P: “You’re the one that almost ruined the entire operation.
You’re lucky we let you carry your ugly head.”

X: “I carry it! Mt. Poulis is about to blow! Let’s get the
treasure and get out of here before it goes.”

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X: “This is the place.”

P: “So, what are we supposed to do with them?”

X: “Hopefully the clues will tell us. Hey-- you first.”

Th: “Me? Uh-uh! You could kill me once I give the clue.”

P: “Ah-- well, I’m not going first.”

X: “Somebody has to go first. I promise I won’t let anybody
kill anyone. Come on, what’s your clue?”

Th: “OK! The teacher’s student.”

X: “The teacher’s student-- that’s it?”

Th: “Yeah-- I figured it’d make sense once he said his clue.”

P: “Is not incorrect.”

Th: “The teacher’s student is not incorrect. Well, that’s
nothing! You must have remembered yours wrong.”

P: “Ah, you’re an idiot!”

Th: “You’re an idiot!”

X: “Enough! The teacher’s student is not incorrect. The
teacher’s student.”

G: “Pupil.”

X: “Is not incorrect.. It’s a double negative. Not
incorrect-- right.”

G: “Pupil’s right?”

X: “Right pupil-- of an eye.”

G: “Yes.”

P: “Which one?”

X: “The map showed a sun casting its rays toward the treasure
marker. It said neither east nor west. It’s gotta be the
middle one.”

Th: “Now, what?”

X: “We wait till sunrise.”

P: “I say we tie him up if we plan to be alive in the morning.”

Th: “Why wait till morning? Do it now.”

G: “Well, this is going to be a pleasant evening.”

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X: “The sun’s coming up.”

Th: “Ah, it’s a rock. The treasure is a rock! Rock! The
treasure is a rock!”

X: “Let’s move it. Come on!”

P: “You first, assassin.”

Th: “Oh, no, after you-- please.”

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Th: “Oh, nothing! Absolutely nothing! This was a nice waste
of time.”

G: “Maybe there’s a clue that we missed.”

Th: “Oh, shut up!”

G: “Look!”

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X: “Whatever you do, don’t pull the ring.”

P: “Don’t what?”

X: “Pull the ring.”

P: “OK!”

All: “Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!”

Th: “Nice move, pretty boy.”

P: “Shut up!”

G: “Hold on.”

Th: “Do that again. Do that again! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I’m rich,
I’m rich, I’m rich. Look. Look at this. Sumerian. Titan’s
key. Ambrosia.”

G: “Xena!”

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[ACT IV]

X: “[Didn’t pick this up on my VCR] ambrosia.”

P: That’s a safe bet. Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

X: “Why do you think?”

P: “Oh, it’s that trust problem of yours again, isn’t it?”

X: “It’s not that I don’t trust you; it’s what I trust you to
do. Here it is.”

P: “What’s that? Is that a door?”

X: “The map mentioned a back way into the ambrosia cave.”

P: “That rat bastard better not hurt Gabrielle.”

X: “Oh, am I supposed to believe you really care?”

P: “Before I do anything, I want to know that Gabrielle is
safe.”

X: “Are you sure it’s not just the ambrosia you’re interested
in?”

P: “Oh, I don’t wanna be a god.”

X: “I don’t believe you for a moment.”

P: “Wait. If you knew the tunnel was there, why didn’t you
just use it? Why look for the key to the front door?”

X: “Because the back door might get us killed.”

P: “Killed.”

X: “This is the Hall of Silence. It was also mentioned on the
map. Secure anything on you which might make a sound, and once
we’re in there, if you hear a noise, run.”

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Th: “The great god, Thersites. It’s got a nice ring to it,
don’t you think?”

G: “Ah, definitely! If you let me go, I’ll build a temple to
you with my share of the treasure.”

Th: “Your share-- No, you’re my insurance in case Xena catches
up to me. She lets me go, or she watches you die. You know
what my first godlike act’s going to be?”

G: “Cure world hunger?”

Th: “Cure world hunger-- No! My first godlike act is to bring
a plague down on the Earth. They never give me the respect that
I so rightfully deserve. Well, they’ll respect me now, huh?
Godhood! What a great job! Thersites-- god of assassins! Wail
till they get a load of me.”

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P: “Did the map mention how those guys died?”

X: [Whispers] “They made too much noise. [Yells] Run!”

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Th: “Get away from my ambrosia!”

X: “You go left; I’ll go right.”

Th: “You want your friend, hmm? Or you want her little head?
You-- you want to be a nice guy? Or you wanna be a god?! Huh?”

X: “What about it, Petracles. Whose side are you on?”

P: “You and me, Thersites-- gods.”

X: “That figures.”

P: “Run, Gabrielle!”

G: “No!”

[Xena and Thersites fight-- Xena slays Thersites]

G: “It’s OK. Don’t, don’t--”

P: “Xena-- I’m sorry I hurt you.”

X: “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

P: “It matters to me. I was a fool not to appreciate what I
had.”

X: “My wedding bracelet. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

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G: “I can see how this would destroy the ambrosis.”

X: “It won’t be destroyed-- just returned to the gods. We
don’t need it here anymore. I was wrong about Petracles. He
was a good man.”

G: “He was.”