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The Fantastic Four News Team |
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The movie is hilarious! It's number one at the box office. Fantastic Four pertains to four astronauts who were transformed into super heroes after a blast from radiation. But when I look at the poster I think to myself, "Hey, self. " Yeah, that's what I call myself. I say, "Self, doesn't this look like some weird news team?". Yes it does. So this week, Pamela Paulshock and her gang of freaks have decided to team up and take over Dudleyville. Their objective? Broadcast a live channel 4 news show. Can they pull it off? |
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Scene One-A Most Dysfuctional News Team |
Dateline. NBC. This is not that show, although, we brilliantly stole their theme music for this skit. We will join you momentarily. For now, we shall pointlessly describe the setting and dressing attire as to help you realize that this is a FRIGGIN NEWS SHOW and everybody WEARS THE SAME THING! Anyway, we are in a cold, well lit studio. Our two main Anchors Miss Fantastic and Invisible girl sit patiently at the news desk while waiting for the show to start. They are both wearing identical business suits. Actually, they are not identical. They're both black but..yeah. That's about it. Alyssa's suit has pink bunny prints pasted all over it. Tiffany's suit is cut so low her belly button is winking at us. Anyway, they wait. Ten minutes later, still no start. Hmm...slowly growing more impatient. Ten more minutes later....still no show.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Start
the freakin' show already!
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
BUNNIES!
Tiffany stares at her.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
You're
a crack baby, aren't you?
Alyssa stares at her. Back to the show, it FINALLY starts. The theme music plays and we are ready to begin.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Thank
you and welcome to the Channel Four news. I'm you're anchor Tiffany Evan-
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
*from
backstage* Dude!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Sorry.
Miss Fantastic. This is my co-anchor Invisible Girl although she
doesn't turn invisible. We wish she did but then again, we'd still have to
listen to her voice and I would rather shoot myself in the head than listen to
her scream about bunnies.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
*mmekly
waving* Bunnies.
Alyssa gives a cheeky smile. Is that the only thing that she can say?
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
Bunnies.
Apparently so.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
We
join you, live in Dudleyville, for a special edition of this evening's news
broadcast.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
Starting
off tonight, a band of...bunnies-
Tiffany-ahem Miss Fantastic kicks her in the shin.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
OW!
I meant that a band of hicks dressed as bunnies robbed a liquor store of 2
bottles of vodka but left all the money in the cash register.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
What
a band of incredibly stupid criminals.
Alyssa shakes her head. She reaches under the desk and pulls out a plush bunny toy. She strokes its soft fur whilst snuggling against it. She closes her eyes and disappears into la la land.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
Bunnies.
Tiffany stares at her oddly.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Wow.
Last night, a Dudleyville native stormed into the next town with with a
Dudleyville Flag. Residents of Budleyville were unpleasantly awakened to a fat,
drunken idiot screaming "Let my people go!". When asked what he was
talking about, the man responded "The beers in the refridger-ma-rater. Them
things belong in a cooler or un my belly!". What the hell? Are the people
here really that stupid?
Tiffany shrugged. Pausing, she waited for Alyssa to respond. Alyssa, though, was more interested in her pet bunny.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Invisible
Girl...
No response.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Invisible
Girl...
Still no response.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
ALYSSA!
She kicks Alyssa who jumps up, startled.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
Huh?
What?
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
The
next story?
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
Oh
right. Two hours ago, a homeless man was beaten to death after he tried to steal
another man's beer. Autopsy revealed that he had a wife beater, sweat stains,
and really bad breath. Actually, he wasn't a homeless man. He was just a
resident of Dudleyville.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Interesting.
A new study shows that 99.9 percent of the people of in Dudleyville have an IQ
of 51. This is lower than most people suffering from retardation. The 1
percent above 51 consists of myself, The Thing Pamela Paulshock, The Flamer
Devon Townsend, and Invisible Girl Alyssa Mulvahill but her IQ is
questionable.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
Sticking
with the poll theme, the list for the top 100 dumbest cities in the entire
world. The list was made by a group of elite professors hailing for Duke, Yale,
Princeton, Harvard, and any college you stupid people of Dudleyville could never
attend which narrows the list down to...all. Including community colleges
and...bunnies. Dudleyville topped the list at number one.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
This
just in, long lost Dudley brother Dudley Do Right was just found dead of an
overdose on.....Edy's ice cream. He was just 34. This marks the ten thousandth Dudley
to be fat, over thirty, still a virgin, and just all around pathetic.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
We
now go to The Flamer with your current weather update.
The scene switches over to Devon Townsend who is dressed in a tight spandex suit. He scratches his crotch and looks extremely uncomfortable.
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
Why
do I have to wear these suits? They're so tight, especially around the crotch
and- Hey! It's the Flame, not the Flamer! You make me sound like an obvious gay
joke.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
That's
the point.
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
Whatever.
I hate my life.
Pamela Paulshock comes out of nowhere and smacks him across the head. She then returns back to behind the scenes.
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
Okay!
Let's get down to the weather. Okay, everyone in Dudleyville, stick your head
out of the window. Is it hot? Okay then, wear a wife beater and drink lots of
liquids.
Devon laughs.
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
No!
We have a more reliable source than that.
Devon reaches off to the side. He pulls out a rock a puts it to his face.
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
Well,
it's cold which means you'll need a jacket. For those of you without power,
which is pretty much all of you, this is a great night to stick your beer
outside the window and hope for it to get cold over night.
Devon laughs and tosses the rock aside. It ends up hitting a stagehand in the head.
::Unknown
Stagehand::-Let's Call
Him Bill::
OW!
Shit!
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
Okay..that's-
::Unknown
Stagehand::-Let's Call
Him Bill::
Goddammit!
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
....the
weather...We'll-
::Unknown
Stagehand::-Let's Call
Him Bill::
Fuck!
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
Can
we say that on live tv?
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
Who cares? Half the people
watching are either too drunk to notice or are banging their sister.
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
Oh.
Right. Back to you in-
::Unknown
Stagehand::-Let's Call
Him Bill::
Son
of a bitch!
::The
Flame[er]::-Devon
Townsend::
....the
studio, Tiff!
The camera switches over. In the studio, it is Pamela Paulshock sitting at the desk. Tiffany is nowhere to be seen.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
Most of you might be
wondering, "Hey! Where's the hott chick with the huge tits?" and,
well, SCREW YOU! We go live, now, with Tiffany Evans who magically got to the
edge of town in less than thirty seconds.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Thanks,
Pam. I am live here at the edge of town where a car has apparently crashed
through the welcoming sign. I'm gonna go and try to interview him.
Tiffany walks over to the wrecked car and sticks her microphone through the broken window on the passenger's side.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Sir!
I'm with the Channel Four News. Can you tell us what happened?
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
What
was that? I didn't get that.
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
So
it hurts?
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Were
you drinking?
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Smoking?
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Getting head
from your cousin?
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
OW
GODDAMMIT!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
I'll
take that as a yes. So, do you always drive your cars through signs?
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
FUCK
SHIT COCK SUCKING DAMMIT ALL TO HELL! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Well,
gee, you didn't have to yell. ::sighs:: We're not gonna get
anything out of him.
::Drunken
Idiot Witness/Bubba Ray's Cousin/Bubba Ray's Father::-Billy
Bob Jewline::
I
saw what happened!
Tiffany turns around to see a skinny kid with a mullet and a wife beater. He has sweaty pit stains and a beer in one hand.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Who
are you, sir?
::Drunken
Idiot Witness/Bubba Ray's Cousin/Bubba Ray's Father::-Billy
Bob Jewline::
I'm
Billy Bob Jewline. I'm his cousin slash father slash half brother.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Wow.
So, what happened?
::Drunken
Idiot Witness/Bubba Ray's Cousin/Bubba Ray's Father::-Billy
Bob Jewline::
Well,
this sumbitch was speedin' and swervin' like uh..uh..uh..a..uh..a snake! Yeah!
He was bobbin' and weavin' and then he hit the gas some more and that sumbitch went
flying. I says..I said "That's a goddamn bird right there!"..He then
went flying into the sign and landed into this here ditch!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
What
a colorful...story.
Tiffany turns back to the car.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Sir,
do you have anything to add?
::Jackass
in the Car::-Bubba Ray
Dudley Sr.::
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
SHIT!
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Okay!
What about you..uh.. Bill-
::Drunken
Idiot Witness/Bubba Ray's Cousin/Bubba Ray's Father::-Billy
Bob Jewline::
Billy
Bob. What do I got to add? Way to go, man! That was a goddamn movie right there!
WHOOOOO!
Tiffany stares at him. He pours beer all over his face and chest, barely drinking any.
::Miss
Fantastic [Flexible Whore]::-Tiffany
Evans::
Wow.
Back to you in the studio, Pam.
The scene goes back to the studio. Pamela Paulshock is still there. Alyssa, though, is passed out. Her head rests on the table, drooling all over it. Pamela rolls her eyes. Alyssa mumbles something in her sleep.
::Invisible
Girl::-Alyssa
Mulvahill::
Bunnies...bunnies.....don't
hurt the bunnies!
Pamela ignores her.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
Well, five school
children got stuck in a tree. The problem was, it was only two feet high and
they were too dumb to climb down. The fire department had to rescue them,
causing the house next door to burn down. That fire was started after an idiot
Dudley tried to light his fart on fire. What idiots!
Pamela pauses. She waits for Alyssa to wake up. Invisible Girl is still sleeping and dreaming about bunnies.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
Two
dogs chased a man who was carrying a piece of steak in his pocket. The man was
trying to tape his own edition of Jackass, Hill Billy style.
Pamela shakes her head.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
F::beep::king
morons. An old lady was stopped from exiting a food store. Onlookers saw blood
running down her head. When asked if she was okay the woman replied "No,
I'm fine." She then lifted her hat and accidently revealed a piece of steak
she was trying to steal.
Pamela bangs her head on the desk.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
Screw this! I'm not reporting
anymore stupid stories! The lesson here, children, is that Dudleyville is full
of stupid people! They're fat retards that will never amount to a thing, just
like Bubba Ray Dudley! Tonight, I've got a match on X-Treme X-Fire to face the fat bastard.
Pamela sighs.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
You know, there are a
lot of people out there that are saying that I am gonna lose. I keep hearing
"Oh, you're just a blonde ditz with a slut for a sidekick. You'll
never beat Bubba Ray. He's too big. He's gonna wipe the floor with you."
Well I am here to say, I don't give a damn what you people think! Do you know
how hard it is to please you people? What with the costumes and the skits and
the stupid jokes. It's a bunch of crap! I should never have done that. Hell, I
shouldn't even be fighting that fat tub of lard. I should be in the main event
fighting for the heavyweight championship! ::sighs deeply:: But
here I am, stuck in a d-list match fighting a jackass who would eat his own
fingers without noticing if they had chocolate smothered all over them.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
Hey fatass! Yeah that's
right. I'm talking to you! We all know that was your nickname as a child. You
were 5'2 and weighed about two tons. Sob story right? The story of a chubby
little kid who couldn't make any friends because he ate too many cheeseburgers.
Boo hoo hoo! You know what annoys the crap out of me? People like you
Bubba, who blame other people for being overweight. It's like that kid who sued McDonald's
for making him fat. What? Nobody put a gun to your head and said "Hey, kid,
eat these fries until you got man tits the size of Texas and get mistaken for
the main balloon in a Macy's Christmas Parade!" Jesus, if you wanna blame
anybody for you bein' fat, why don't ya blame your parents? They probably hate
you anyway. That's why they fed your bloated ass so much. They figured
"Well, we hate the kid. Why not make the rest of the world hate him
too?" Makes ya feel sad, don't it? Make you wanna go on Oprah and sob your Crisco
tears until you figure out that you're just a pathetic, fat, piece of crap that
doesn't even deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of western
civilization! "Oh Oprah! My childhood was terrible! I didn't like myself! I
couldn't play with the other kids because my tits gave me black eyes. I couldn't
run for more than ten seconds without falling to the ground like a wet pile of
ham ready to be cooked. You know who you remind me of? Huh? Augustus Gloop!
Yeah, the fat kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The same fatass that
almost drowned in a lake of chocolate and got his fat ass stuck in a tube! ::laughs
hysterically:: I can see it now. You come down to the ring because some
two dollar diva search whore offered you a piece of chocolate from her chest.
You get an instant hard on because that's the closest you'll ever get to a pair
of breasts that weren't attached to a blowup doll. You get to the ring and try
to climb between the ropes but then you get stuck! ::laughs hysterically
again:: And to make things worse, as a kid, you had that David
Cassidy almost too gay to disregard hair. Did your parents really hate you that
much? Look at your cheeks! They look like you're smuggling grapefruits in your
mouth. What the hell were you eating? Car tires? Crap. What a great
childhood, Augustus. Let's see how you did in high school.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
Well, it looks like fatness
also causes blindness. Look at those glasses! You look like Steve Urkel, minus
the intelligence. oh yeah, and he was black. Where the hell did you get them?
Sandy's Shop For Fat People Who Need Stupid Glasses? They don't even have and
lenses. I might as well call you retarded. That's how you look in those glasses.
What kind of moron wears dorky ass glasses like those and doesn't even both to
get lens put in? Oh right. You. Did your ma drop you on your head when you were
a baby? Did she smoke and drink while she was pregnant with you? She probably
had to, knowing she'd have an ugly baby. Hell, even the sonogram was ugly. The
doctor mistook you for a pile of turd and then slapped your mom for having such
an ugly child. Their punishment? To raise you, knowing what a complete failure
you would grow up to be. Those glasses were just a failed attempt to make you
look smarter, so it would hide the fact that you're so dumb you can't even walk
out the house without remembering to breath in! You got lost in a one bedroom
apartment and you think there's a hidden message inside your spaghetti o's. Fat
and stupid. What a combo. Did you have to take these special ed classes? Did you have
to ride the short bus? I bet they made you wear a helmet. You had to get one
from the cooking aisle because your head was too big for a regular one. They
made one out of a big ass bowl and some cotton padding with two holes and a sock
going through it to rest between your two chins. But it didn't work. A bowl-hat
might be able to hide your ginormous head but it will never hide your stupidity.
To me, you'll always be that fat idiot with the dorky glasses. You've got those
ears popping out like open car doors. Do you get satellite radio with those? All
you have to do a stick an antennae on your head. And that haircut? You look like
you belong in a Nazi training camp. Better yet, you look like one of those hill
billy ass monkeys from the South that wave the Confederate flag, wear undersized
wife beaters that shot of your pregnancy belly, and smelly armpits that reek of
body stench and cat piss. It's a surprise they even let you in the wrestling
ring.
::The
[Best] Thing [Ever]::-Pamela
Paulshock::
You're thirty-four years old
and you haven't even had sex yet. That's not shocker. Look at you! Take the obesity,
put some stupid glasses on, and you got yourself a Michael Moore Reject! Is that
why so many people hate you? Because you're fat, stupid, and annoying? Jesus, every time
I hear you talk I wanna pick at my ears until I can't hear anymore. Every time I
look at you I get pissed off. That's hard thing to accomplish. Congratulations.
That's something you and Michael Moore have only accomplished in your sad,
pathetic lives. Pissing people off until they give you an award for it. Your mom
must be proud. ::pauses:: Ha! That's a laugh. She probably doesn't
even acknowledge you as her son. She tells everyone you had a heart attack and
died with a bowl of ice cream in your lap. Is that why you challenged me to this
match? Because you can't beat other man but you desperately needed to boost your
self esteem so you challenged a woman? Or is it the fact that this is the only
way you can get close to a woman without her issuing you a restraining order
forcing you to stay the hell away. Either way, you're gonna have to deal with
another disappointment which means back to the couch to stuff your face with Twinkies
and sob like a little bitch while watching Richard Simmons videotapes on repeat.
What a sad, sad fat bastard you are. This is the man that people say is gonna
beat me? This is the man they say is better than me? This is the person I'm
supposed to fear? ::scoffs:: Bubba Ray, god that name. Even your
name sounds retarded! It sounds like your mother is also your sister and
you're boinking your first cousin. God, and I have to fight you? This match,
this one on one match, it's gonna be a showcase. No, not to show off your fat
ass because nobody wants to see that. It's gonna be a showcase of just how
pathetic you really are and why I, Pamela Paulshock, should the the Women's
Champion. You see, beating a fat man isn't that hard. All you have to do is
distract him with a tootsie roll and shove his fat ass over. Simple enough.
::laughs:: So Bubba, you idiotic piece of crap, you may have been able to touch
me last week on X-Treme X-Fire but tonight, the only thing you'll be touching are
your genitals after I kick you between the legs. Nobody, not even a dejected a
sorry excuse for a human being like you, will ever touch me. I'm above
that. So, no matter how many candy bars you lift to get in shape, it all won't
matter. Tonight, I'm not
only gonna kick your ass, but I'm gonna make you cry like a little bitch until
you piss yourself and are too embarrassed to step into a ring ever again. After
tonight, you'll know what it's like to get your ass kicked by a girl.
Pamela Paulshock smirks. She stands up and walks away. The scene fades.