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Pamela Paulshock's A Series of Unfortunate Events |
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STAR WARS. It's a cult classic. Hell, it has its own cult following. It has been parodied more than any other movie in the history of cinema. Anyone remember Spaceballs? Okay, the point. Pamela Paulshock is back. Just off her win as Miss UPW, she enters the arena on a high. Life, kids, not the drug. Anyway, she learns of her next opponent when something strange happens...as does it always in Pamela Paulshock's freaky little universe.
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Scene One-Dude, how the hell did I win Miss UPW? |
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Dude,
I still can't believe I won Miss UPW.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
*snorts*
No shit, Sherlock.
They go out to the trunk and reach in for they bags. YES THEY ARE NORMAL BECAUSE THEY GET THEIR OWN BAGS. Anyway, after retrieving their luggage, they make their way to the door.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
I
mean, dude! I've been away for, like, two months. I thought everybody forgot
about me.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Well,
apparently not. Nobody can forget dorks like us.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Power
to the dorks!
They slap each other high fives. As they are walking through the door, some huge backstage hand nails her in the face with a box of..well, something. It was enough to not only knock her down, but knock her out! Tiffany drops her bag and kneels down.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Dude!
Are you alright? Dude! Pam! Pam!
Her voice drowns out as the theme to Star Wars plays. Dun dun dun....dun...dun dun dun dun....dun dun dun...dun..dun dun dun dun....
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Where
the hell am I?
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobe::
You
are..well...somewhere in a galaxy far far away.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Am
I dead?
::Jewish
Jedi::-Qui Gon Jinn::
No.
You are in the newly made Jedi Temple. We have no idea where we are but we are
here.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Whoa,
dude. Are you Jewish? God, you've got a huge nose!
::Jewish
Jedi::-Qui Gon Jinn::
Thank
you, Master Paulshock.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
What's
with this guy?
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobe::
As
Jedi, we are not to get angry. We do not take heed to insults.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
So
if I told you that you had an oddly shaped head you wouldn't get pissed off?
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobe::
No.
I would not.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
What?
I'm sorry. I was distracted by that lisp. You really ought to fix that.
::Badass
Midget::-Yoda::
Missed
something, I have?
Enter the little green midget, Yoda.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Holy
crap! It's Yoda! DUDE! You're like...The Messiah!
::Badass
Midget::-Yoda::
Young
Paulshock, a mission I have for you.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Oh
cool! What is it?
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobe::
Well,
a clone of Molly Holly was made.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Somebody
was stupid enough to clone that fatass?
::Jewish
Jedi::-Qui Gon Jinn::
Apparently
so.
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobe::
Anyway,
her clone is reeking havok on the galaxy and we need you to stop it.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
I
will do what I must. HA! Remember that? From your huge fight with Anakin?
Obi Wan tears up.
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobe::
I'm
sorry. I- I..
Qui Gon holds him.
::Jewish
Jedi::-Qui Gon Jinn::
He
doesn't like to talk about it. They were really close. *whispers* Lovers.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Oh,
sorry dude. Well, I think I'll go stop the fat beast from destroying the
universe with her ginormous ass.
::Badass
Midget::-Yoda::
To
do that, a partner you will need.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
A
partner like who?
A blonde female walks up in Jedi uniform. Well, almost Jedi-like. Her top is low cut and she's wearing a skirt instead of the pants. Her Jedi Robe is even cut short, to the length of her mini skirt.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Hello
everyone!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
DUDE!
Pamela runs up to Tiffany and hugs her, nearly squeezing her lungs to capacity. They slap each other high fives and start walking towards the door.
::Jewish
Jedi::-Qui Gon Jinn::
May
the force be with you!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
The
force is always with us. Especially Tiffany!
Pamela makes a blow job motion and Tiffany smacks her. They exit the door as the three Jedi Masters look after them.
::Jewish
Jedi::-Qui Gon Jinn::
Quite
the duo, those two.
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobe::
Yes,
they certainly are. Care for a cup of tea, lover?
::Jewish
Jedi::-Qui Gon Jinn::
I've
love some. Would you like to join us Yoda? We could always use someone to set up
the tripod.
::Badass
Midget::-Yoda::
No,
I would rather not. Many..erm...things to do I have! Must go! Bye!
Yoda takes off at the speed of light.
|
Scene Two-The search is on... |
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Yo!
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Hott
Dog Vendor!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
I
think that's an ice cream vendor, Tiff.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
It's
a hot dog vendor. Why would they need an ice cream vendor on Tatooine?
They look around.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Okay,
point taken. Hey, ICE CREAM vendor!
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Gimme
Some...Gimme Some...
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Huh?
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
What?
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
That's
all it would say....Gimme Some...
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Did
you see where it was headed next?
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Gimme
Some....
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Hello?
Dude?...I think this guy is retarded, Tiff.
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Gimme
Some....
Tiffany grabs him by the collar.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
WHERE
THE HELL DID THE FAT PIG GO?!
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
It...it...It
went...IT WENT TO THE PLANET OF SCOTLAND!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Scotland?
That's a country on the planet Earth.
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
It's
also a planet!
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
No
it isn't!
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Yes
it is!
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
No
it isn't!
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Yes
it is!
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
No
it isn't!
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Yes
it is!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
STOP!
Okay, do you have, like, a picture of something we could go off of?
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Well, I
do have this.
He hands them a photo.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Wow...erm..okay...
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah..uh...thanks!
::Traumatized
Vendor::-Some Dude::
Gimme
Some...Gimme Some...
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Great,
he's back to being retarded again. Let's go.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Okay.
To Scotland we go!
Tiffany sticks her hand out like Napoleon. Pamela Paulshock just stares at her.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Dude!
They both snort and make their way back to the ship.
|
Scene Three-What the hell? |
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
You
ready?
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
About
as ready as Colin Farrell in a hotel room with a naked woman on the bed, a
condom in hand, and a giant erection.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Wow...that's..uh..ready.
Okay, let's go!
They burst the door, expelling their light sabers. Ready to slice the fat bitch into a ham sandwich, they look around.
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
I
wouldn't do that if I were you.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Huh?
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
What?
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
I
wouldn't do that if I were you.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Why?
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
Because...you
will force me to unleash the force..
They stare at the clone.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
The
what?
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
The
force!
The two look blank.
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
Geez,
they'll let anyone become a Jedi these days. The force! It's..well..the
force!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Dude,
how about you just shut up and let me kick your ass!
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah,
let's get it on.
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
Later.
First I have a battle to fight.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
Dude.
Gross.
Tiffany and Pamela get out their light sabers once again. They prepare for a battle.
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
Now,
little Jedis, GET IN MY BELLAY!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Never,
clone! We are here to stop you and in the words of that oddly shaped dude Obi
Wan Kenobi, we'll do what we must!
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobi::
I
heard that.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
You're
one creepy old man.
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobi::
That's
what Anakin used to say before he- he-
"I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston plays and Obi Wan begins to cry.
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
Oh
for the love of Pancakes! We're trying to have a duel here!
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobi::
Oh.
My mistake. Continue.
He disappears.
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
Now,
as I was saying, little girls, prepare to die!
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
How?
Are you gonna eat us?
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
As
a matter of fact, yes.
::Jedi
Slut::-Tiffany
Evans::
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pamela and Tiffany run towards the door.
::Fat
Bastard::-Molly
Holly's Clone?::
GET
IN MY BELLAY!
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
THIS FAT BITCH IS GONNA EAT US!
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobi::
Use
the force!
Using the force, Fat Bastard farts, knocking both Jedi out.
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobi::
Not
you.
He glances down at Pamela and Tiffany on the floor.
::One
With the Force::-Obi
Wan Kenobi::
Now
look what you've done.
Fat Bastard eats him. On the floor, Pamela hears Tiffany's voice. Only problem is, Tiffany is unconscious next to her..Or so we thought..
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
What
the hell?
Pamela Paulshock opens her eyes to see a crowd of people standing over her.
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Are
you okay?
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
What
happened?
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Well,
some guy totally knocked you over the head and you blacked out. He was really
cute.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Oh.
I thought I was in Star Wars.
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Really?!
Did you get to bang Darth Vader?
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Not
really. I wish. He's hott! Well, pre burnt nub.
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah.....
Pamela Paulshock leans up and holds her head.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Ow..
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yyou
still wanna do it?
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Do
what?
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Go
out in the arena because I-
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
HELL
YEAH I do! Let's go.
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Okay
but I-
Pamela grabs Tiffany before she can say another word. She drags her down to the gorilla position. Just then, "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith hits. Pamela Paulshock and Tiffany Evans step through the curtains to a warm welcome from the fans. They wave signs that include "Welcome Back" and "I hade sex with Tiffany". Smiling and waving, the wacky duo make their way down to the ring. Climbing into the ring, Tiffany Evans grabs the mic from
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Hey
guys! Man, it feels good to be back!
Males in the audience whistle and holler at her.
::Simply
Outrageous and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
I
can feel the love tonight. *laughs* Well guys and gals, as you all know,
by best friend Pam Paulshock just won the title of Miss UPW. She's back and
she's ready to kick some ass. *crowd cheers* Yeah! It all begins this week with
Molly Holly and I think I'll let Pam take this one.
Tiffany hands the mic to Pam. Before she can even speak, the fans start to cheer again.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Well,
it looks like my first match back I have to fight King Kong. I'm sorry Molly,
that was mean. What I meant to say was that I am facing the one..the only.....JABBA
THE HUTT! You did a fantastic job in Star Wars! I loved you in that! You have,
like a cult following now. Maybe you should stick to acting. Then again,
Hollywood isn't too keen on fat people these days. Look at Nicole Ritchie and
Lara Flynn Boyale or whatever her name is. *laughs* Well, since I am facing
Molly, I guess I am gonna need a back brace or something to keep me from
straining my back. A human can only take so much!
She laughs and paces around the ring.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
I
see Molly Holly going around and saying the same thing over and and over again.
"Who does this Pamela Paulshock think she is?" or "She's just an
announcer. She can't do anything else." I guess you've been in the dark for
some time, Molly. Maybe you were too busy stuffing your face with chocolate and
sleeping with your cousin somewhere in Mobile, Alabama to notice. I'm a former Intercontinental
champion! The only reason I'm not is because I left. Hmm. What a shame. I could
have been women's champion. I don't care. I'll have a shot at it sooner or
later. But this is what puzzles me, Molly. Mobile, Alabama reminds me of mobile
homes. Mobile homes are moveable. How the hell do they get you to move? I
mean, I've heard of fork lifts but event hose have their limits.
Pamela snorts. Tiffany laughs with her.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
I
know, I know. That was mean. Why call Molly Holly fat? She just has a massive
as. Nothing, right? Wrong! I have single handedly stumbled upon proof of Molly
Holly's obesity. What you see is definitely not what you get. When you
see her in that ring, you can thank that two dollar girdle at Betsey's Warehouse
For Fat People. But wait! What about her photos? She looks somewhat skinny
in those! Well, children, there is a simple solution to that. It's a thing
called retouching. In Molly's case, it was more like reconstruction.
Here's what an untouched photo of Molly Holly looks like.
::Jedi
Knight::-Pamela Paulshock::
Wow!
That's a completely different photo. It's a completely different person for that
matter. Talk about major shockage. That's just ridunkulous! I think I'm gonna
have a spasm! There should be a disclaimer with that. Warning, do not look at
while operating heavy machinery. May cause nausea, blindness, and in some cases,
diarrhea. Gross dude! I don't think I want to fight you this week on X-Treme
X-fire! Well, if I'm getting into this ring with you, I'm totally wearing a biohazard
suit. I don't think anyone would touch you without a ten inch pole between the
both of you. But all jokes aside, Molly, this is a wrestling match. It's not a photo shoot.
It's not a popularity contest. It all comes down to skills and what you can do
in that ring. I know you can wrestle. I'm not blonde. And I know you think of me
as just some dumb blonde with a lack of morale judgment. That's fine. I don't
care. When it all comes down to it, only one can walk out that winner. This may
not be an important match f or you but to me, it's a signal of my return. I
don't plan on losing it. So, Molly, you can say what you want to say about me
but when I get in that ring, I think it will be my actions that with do all the
talking.
Pamela smirks. "Love in An Elevator" by Aerosmith plays again. The fans cheer and Pamela Paulshock and Tiffany Evans wave. Cameras cut to a commercial break.