Pamela Paulshock's Grand Opportunity

On the eve of her defeat over Bubbah Ray Dudley, Pamela Paulshock gets another shot at UPW gold. This time, she is going for the most important tile of all, that is, if she wins this match at Lights Out. This Sunday, Pamela Paulshock is lated to face Women's Champion Trish Stratus. If she wins, she will get a title shot next week on X-Treme X-Fire. You can bet that Paulshock will not take this opportunity for granted. Can she do it? Can she get her second shot at the gold? Tune in this Sunday to find out.

What exactly do you know about Canada? 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Huh? What? Who said that? 

Pamela jerks up, kicking the seat in front of her. A big, no HUGE, woman turns around. If Versace hired her, they would have to rename it Versausage. 

::Larger Than Life (Literally)::-Some Big Ass Woman::
Hey! That was one of my asses you just kicked!

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Don't bitch at me. It's not my fault ya got two chins and your stomach goes down to your ankles. 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Don't forget the saggy tits that feel like she's smuggling m&m's.

The woman's jaw drops. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Easy there, lady. Don't wanna strain one of your chins and pop a blood vessel. 

She gasps. 

::Larger Than Life (Literally)::-Some Big Ass Woman::
I don't believe-

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
I don't believe they allowed you on this plan. I thought there was like a two ton limit. 

The woman glares as Tiffany laughs. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Don't look at me like that. I'm not a two piece and a biscuit. Turn your happy ass around and go back to your Jenny Craig motivational tapes; like they'll ever work. 

The woman abruptly turns around. Tiffany is still laughing. 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Dude!

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
What? The fat bitch look at me like she was gonna eat me. What else was I gonna do? Stupid Canadians.

Tiffany shakes her head. Pamela leans her head back, preparing to go to sleep. They enjoy their moments of silence.

What exactly do you know about Canada? 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Goddamit! 

Tiffany opens her eyes and looks at Pam. 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
What?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Nothin'. Go back to sleep. 

Tiffany turns back around and leans back. Closing her eyes, she goes back to sleep. 

What exactly do you know about Canada? 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
You don't have to keep repeating the same freaking question. 

Then why aren't you answering it?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Why the hell aren't you bothering anyone else? I'm not the only member of FART, ya know. 

It's FARTO...and I enjoy pestering you. It brings what little joy I have in my afterlife. Now answer the bloody question!

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Well, I know that they just made gay marriages illegal. That hott guy from Star Wars is Canadian but I think he's gay too. Canadian is like our back up lot, we only use it when we one. Oh yeah, their music sucks. 

That's lovely. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
What's your point? 

Well, I wanted you to get a bit of trash talking out of your system but I can see that- 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Oh I got some things to say. First of all, who the hell goes to Canada? 

Alyssa Mulvahill taps her on the shoulder. 

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
Uh....we are.

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Oh. Right. I- 

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
We are going to Canada! We are going to Canada! Canada! Canada! DON'T.....BLAME......CANADA!!!

Pamela Paulshock punches her in the face, knocking her out. 

Thank you. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Yeah, whatever. Like I was saying, there's nothing is Canada. All they got is Hockey and Celine Dion. Oh yeah, Celine SUCKS! Even your own little hero Hayden Christensommersun or whatever the hell is name is says so. What the hell do you do there? Sit around and wish you were in America? Canada is like America's little extra storage. We use you when you won't and you don't bitch about it. How can you? You've got fricken Mounties and the Tongue Police to make sure you speak French. Ha! So if we were to attack, the only thing you can do is ride a horse but that ain't gonna get you far because ya got a couple oceans and our border blocking your escape. Face it, Canada isn't anything to be proud of.  It's not even a real country. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE REAL COPS! What a joke! Your money is about two cents in America. The only people comin' to Canada are gays and old people that wanna watch a bunch of idiots hit a puck with a stick. 

Pamela Paulshock rolls her eyes. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
I can't believe they even let gays get married there. If a man was supposed to have sex with a  another man, he'd have a vagina but that's beside the point. What's next, Canada? You're gonna go on a little vacation with Spain and become "special buddies"? I swear to god there's more gay people in Canada than in San Francisco. It's like the Mecca for homos. You're magnet, just drawing them in. Let's not forget your homegrown queens Hayden whatever the hell his last name is. Celine Dion, hell she's Canada's Cher. Who the hell else comes from Canada? Oh yeah, Pamela Anderson who was embarrassed to be Canadian. That's why she became an American citizen. Hell, Alanis Morriesette, your only decent musician even became a citizen. That just goes to show you that Canada, well, sucks. That's why you'll always be America's bitch! So, Trish, being a Canadian Goddess is basically the same thing as being the Queen of a New Jersey dump. It ain't anything to be proud of.  

Pamela reaches into the seat pocket and pulls out the Canadian travel book in front of her. She rips it up.

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Canada sucks worse than George Michaels on a police officer in a public bathroom. 

What a fantastic visual. That's rich.

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Screw you. Anyway, we're almost there. 

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
Yeah, the plane is gonna land in about twenty minutes.

Don't forget your mission.

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Yeah, how could we? 

I'll see you soon.

The Fairy Godfather's voice fades away as a gust of wind blows. A confused Pamela Paulshock shakes her head. She then leans back and prepares for the landing. For the next half hour, the super friends were completely silent as the plane landed. They got out of their seats and headed towards baggage claim. Along the way, the friends were surprised to see just how different Canada was from America. For one, they had little beady eyes and flopping heads when they talk. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
What the hell did we walk into? 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Dude, I have no idea.

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
We're in....CANADA! CANADA! LOVELY CANADA! CAN-

Pamela Paulshock clasps her hand over Alyssa mouth and shakes her head "no". Pam then lets go. 

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
..ada..

Alyssa Mulvahill bows her head and remains silent. 

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
Look at all there weird people.

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Yeah, it's like we're in another country or something.

They all stare at her. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Dude. Seriously.  

They go down to baggage claim and retrieve their bags. THey then stand around int he center, looking for the first place to go.

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
How do we gent to their Center of Intelligence?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Uh.... 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Erm.....

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
La la la....*sings* LA LA LA LA LA LA!

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
SHUT UP!

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
SHUT UP! 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
SHUT UP!

Everyone stops and stares at them.

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
Sheesh. No need to be so crabby.

Some random Canadian approaches them.

::Random Canadian::-Need a name, eh?::
You seem to be lost, eh?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Huh? Sorry, I don't speak Canadian. Wait a second, I'm not sorry. Speak ENGLISH!

::Random Canadian::-Need a name, eh?::
Do you need help, eh?

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
HUH?

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
WHAT?!

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
Bunnies?

Everyone, including the Canadian, stares at her.

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
You're a Canadian, right?

::Random Canadian::-Need a name, eh?::
Yeah, eh?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
What? Nevermind. We're supposed to be goin' to the Center of Intelligence for this stupid mission but we're not goin' anymore.

The hell you aren't!

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
Look, compadre, we're not going.

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Yeah, we don't wanna get arrested.

And what exactly is the Canadian police going to do? Confuse you to death with their way of speaking?

::Random Canadian::-Need a name, eh?::
What are you all talking aboot, eh? And who are ye talking to?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
None of your damn business! Now get the hell outta my face!

::Random Canadian::-Need a name, eh?::
Okay, then, eh!

The Canadian disappears.

Now, why aren't you going through with the mission?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Because I don't wanna go all the way down there and it has nothing to do with Trish Stratus. 

And what are you going to do now?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Oh, I've got a few ideas. Come with me. 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Where are we going?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
You'll see. 

Pamela Paulshock leads them to a store right in the airport. It's a children's store that sells toys including baseballs and play dough. Pamela picks up red and black spray point and purchases it. The three other looks at her, confused. The second they leave the store, Tiffany stops her. 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
So, why did you take us to a kiddy store? 

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
Yeah? Why go and buy spray paint?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Well, you think Canada sucks, right?  

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Yeah...

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
Yeah....

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
No. 

Pamela gives her a look.  

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
You don't count.  

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
HEY! That's not fair....I count..I count all the time. To ten...to thirty..to- 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Hey, do you want me to hit you again? 

::Crazy & Bunny Obsessed::-Alyssa Mulvahill::
That was you?! 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Uh...no. Anyway, I figure why not let them know.  

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
But how?

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Where the hell are we gonna tell Canada that it sucks?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Where else? The Center of Intelligence. 

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Hell yeah!

Pamela and Tiffany slap each other high fives. 

Skip to a half  hour later... 

We are now just outside of the building. Tiffany Evans, Alyssa Mulvahill, Pamela Paulshock, and Devon Townsend are awaiting their tour guide. He man approaches, wearing his full on mountee suit.  He has the beady Canadian eyes and Flopping head.

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Hello and welcome to Canadian Intelligence, eh!

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Err...What?  

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Welcome!

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
Huh?

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Welcome!

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
What?

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Welcome, dammit! WELCOME! WELCOME  YOU INCREDIBLY STUPID AMERICANS THAT THINK WE SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE WHEN ALL WE SPEAK IS ENGLISH EXCEPT FOR QUEBEC BECAUSE IT'S A RETARDED PROVIDENCE!

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Well, that's more like it. 

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Follow me.

He leads them inside the building. The entire area is empty except for one desk and a chair all the way in the back corner. There is a man standing against the wall, scratching his butt. They don't even have computers. They have a stone tablet that says "Yes, it's safe today."

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
This is it?

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Yep. This is it. Are we safe today?

He reads the stone tablet. It takes him about ten minutes.

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Yes, it appears to be safe today, eh? Any questions?

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Oh! I have one!

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Shoot away, eh?

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
Okay. Why do you always say eh at the end of each sentence? It's not like you have to ask a question every time?

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
We-

::Comic Book Nerd::-Devon Townsend::
And why do you have the floppy heads with the beady eyes?

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
We-

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Where's your bathroom? 

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
We don't have one. You'll have to go outside and dig a hole, eh?

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
Um...okay. Let's go guys. 

::Canadian Tour Guide::-What's That Aboot?::
Come back soon!

::Slutty Sidekick::-Tiffany Evans::
We....uh..we will!

The four friends make their way outside, bags in hand. They shake their spray cans and begin to spray on the wall. In the end, in huge letters, on the side of the Canadian Intelligence building it reads, "Canada sucks, you'll always be America's bitch!".

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
How do ya like me now, Canada?! 

She laughs.

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
How do you like them apples Trish? You run around the UPW, parading your little Canadian pride like it means something. What's to be proud of? A fake police and a sport that isn't even a sport? Hockey? Nobody watches that crap. Why do you think the league went on hiatus/ Because nobody came to the games. And your celebrities? I can count each celebrity on one hand and they not even that famous! You got.....No, wait, I got it.......Alan Thicke! ::laughs hysterically:: Yeah, you've got the dad from Growing Pains. He hasn't had a hit show since 1985. Who else do you have? Crash Test Dummies/ Oh yeah, a bunch of drunken idiots who couldn't even create real lyrics! Face it, Trish. Your Canada pride is a joke! It's not even real. I can't believe you would be proud to come from such a retarded country. You don't even have real protection. What are your Mounties gonna do? Tell the horses to take a dump while they run away like scared little bitches? 

Pamela Paulshock snorts. Her facial expression then changes to seriousness. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
You know what you are, Trish? A walking contradiction. You say one thing than do another. Let's talk about the fact that you don't wanna be called a whore but yet again you're all over John Cena like a fat lady and the last piece of bacon at a buffet line in Mobile, Alabama! What do you see in that idiot? He's so ugly, he's been given several citations for indecent exposure. He's a white rapper trying to act like a thug. The only streets he's been on is the one you see on PBS at eight o'clock in the mornin'. It's called Sesame street! Trish, you're a twit. You're nothin' but a dumb twit with a big ego. While you're goin' around chasing some jackass with a face that could make even the toughest criminal sob like a little girl, you should be in that gym, training. You're going up against me, Trish. The greatest thing this business has ever seen! Are you blinded by your transparent love for John Cena? or are you so self assured that you're gonna win that you feel you need no more training? 

Pamela shakes her head. 

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
What makes you think that you could even compare to me? What makes you think that you could even survive in t hat ring with me? I have already proven myself to be the number one diva in this federation and this Sunday, it's only gonna be reassured. You see, I've got something you don't have and that is pure...raw..unbridled talent. And with that talent? I have aggression? I am a lion ready to be let out of its cage. You don't know how long I've been waiting for this opportunity, how long I've craved a shot at this title. Too long, Trish. Too long. It was those idiots that run this federation that kept me down. It was those morons that made me fight in meaningless matches against second rate opponents like Molly Holly. It was them that kept me back but now, there's nothing holding me back anymore. Now, it's just me and you and when I get in that ring, you can bet your ass that I'm gonna rip you to shreds. I'll tear you down this week and then finish you off the next week on X-Treme X-Fire. You think that this is all  a game? That I'm just one of the little whores prancing around this federation without a clue as to what the hell I'm doing? It's that thinking that is gonna be your downfall. Whether you want to believe it or not, I'm winning this match at Lights Out and the following week, I am taking your title. See, I see you but all get is that hot air blowin' out of your mouth. You're talkin' but the words make no sense. Trish Stratus isn't gonna win. Trish Stratus isn't gonna do a damn thing. Trish Stratus is gonna lie on her back like she does every Satruday night while I pin her for the three count.   

Pamela pauses.  

::More than just electrifying::-Pamela Paulshock::
There's this fable...about a girl who thought she ruled the world. She was so caught up in her own self that she failed to see everything going around her. One day, she was faced with a challenge. The challenger was a worthy opponent. Strong, athletic, and talented, she bruised the girl's ego. Do you know what happened next Trish? That girl was defeated...miserably. Her ego couldn't save her and it was the very thing that betrayed her. Trish, you keep thinking that this match is going to be easy. You keep thinking that you re going to prevent me from taking your title. That all is gonna come back to bite you in the ass like a dog with rabies. Prepare for your bedtime, Trish because this Sunday, I'm going to turn your Lights Out. No wait, screw that. I'm gonna beat you like on overworkerd slave and them I'm gonna take that title! Like it or not, Trish, that Championship belt is coming home to me and it's coming home real soon. Enjoy your last seconds as champion. The clock is ticking and your time is almost up. Soon, you'll be like every other washed up has been..locked awat and kept from society. It's over Trish. Your reign is done and your decline, has already begun. At light's out, I'm simply gonna speed it up and on X-Fire..I'm gonna stop it completely.! 

Pamela smirks. She shakes her head as the scene fades.