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Some jokes to spice up your day!


 1. I'm not Nigerian, really!
 2. Phone Call
 3. Everybody Knows Bubba
 4. The Barber
 5. Electric Power
 6. Stingy Big Men
 7. Hungry and Broke
 8. Ten for the price of two!
 9. If College Students Wrote The Bible
10.Phone call II
11.OUT OF NIGERIA FOR TOO LONG
12.Sorry, Wrong Address!
13.NIGERIA AIR
14.God, Are You Listening?
15.Gladys
16.Bumper stickers
17.U NO SEE
18.Which Hell Is Better?
19.Nigerians in Heaven
20.Ugly Child





















I'm not Nigerian, really!

A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to marry a Swedish lady in order to be legally certified via resident status... but the lady was not aware of this. She felt he really loved her. Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad rap in that particular part of Sweden, our chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he was from Uganda. Upon marriage, the lady came home one day and informed our man that she had just met another Swedish lady who had married a Ugandan and they must all have dinner together. The Naija man was somewhat perplexed, although not perceptibly, and wondered how he'd get out of this spot. He postponed and postponed until he could do so no more. Finally, the day came when they were to have dinner. The other Swede came in with her Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table. Our Naija chappie was very quiet. "My own don spoil today" was all he could think. The two Swedish ladies, wanting their husbands to mingle, being from the same homeland, asked them to speak to each other. "Hey! It's not every day you meet people from home.!" they admonished. Our Naija man, being a man of great savvy, decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and the guy would probably assume he was from some part of Uganda where they spoke a different language. So looking across the table he said: "Egbon Eko ni mi se? Ni bo lo ti ja wa?" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to: "I'm a Lagos man. Where did you come from?" (Remember, Lagos is a state in Nigeria, and it used to be the capital.) The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit up as he said: "Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi se! Omo Eko gan gan!" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to "Hey buddy! I'm a Lagos child. A REAL Lagos child!"

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Phone Call

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Olusegun Obasanjo died & went straight to hell. Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5minutes, and then she asked "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you?The devil says "Five million dollars". She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair. Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming,"My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked Well, Devil, how much do I owe you???? The devil says "Ten million dollars". With a smug look on his face, he made a check and went to sit back on his chair. Obasanjo was even more jealous & starts screaming, I want to call Nigeria too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I want to talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I want to talk to the PDP, everybody.....He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked,"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you? The devil says "One dollar". Obasanjo is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??" The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's a local call!

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Everybody Knows Bubba (Source: Bibleshack )

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, " Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?

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The Barber

An American priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a British police officer on vacation came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Nigerian Businessman came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "If you are really a Nigerian then you don't have to pay since you are from the same country as Akeem Olajuwon the basketballer." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Nigerians in front of his door waiting for a haircut!!!

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Electric Power

One day the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA) put up a notice that said: "To help us help you, please report all electric faults to us. Thank you." About a week later one man just went to the NEPA station to report electric faults in his area. When he got to the station, the old man said: "I hope there is no problem O. I just came here to report that we have been having frequent power supply in our area for the past one week." NEPA is the electric power company in Nigeria, and they are known for randomly cutting off the power supply. In fact, there used to be a joke that NEPA stands for "Never Expect Power Always".

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Stingy Big Men (Source: Lola Odusanya)

A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other monguls and wealthy men were present. The businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering. Just for that foolish reason, he sent for his driver and had this conversation with him: "Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one. Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island. Not the one in Adeola Odeku, the one on Etim Iyang Crescent. Not No 22, but No 11. It is a black gate you will see, fling it open. You will see a green Honda Civic. Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one. Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda 929. It is not that one. The Mazda is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV. That makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep. On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class, very close to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool is a lovely S. Type Jaguar. Don't touch the bonnet. Go to the boot, fling it open. You will see red, white and blue briefcases. The red one contains dollars, 10 million dollars. Don't touch it. The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds. Don't touch it. The white one contains Naira, 500s, 200s, 100s, 50s, 20s, 10s denominations. I arranged them in hierarchical order. 500 Nairas in first layer, 200 Nairas in second, 100 Nairas 3rd layer, 50 Nairas 4th layer, 20 Nairas 5th and 10 Nairas top floor. Take one 10 Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't forget to bring my change!"

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Hungry and Broke

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan. The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the brother leave. Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go. Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir...I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so...." Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"

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Ten for the price of two!

A Chadian supporter followed his national team to Lagos last year to watch a match against the Flying Eagles. As the visitor toured the city, he was fascinated by view of the numerous towering sky-scrapers. A local then walked up to him and challenged: "Why are you looking at the buildings? Don't you know that you must pay to look at them?" The nervous visitor then offered to pay the fee. "How many buildings have you looked at?" demanded the Lagosian. "..er er two!" replied the Chadian. The applicable "fees" were then exchanged but as the two men parted, the Chadian said to himself: "Stupid Nigerian! I cheated him! I have looked at ten buildings, but I paid him for just two!"

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If College Students Wrote The Bible(Source: Bibleshack )

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Phone call II (Source: me)

She was an only child of a very rich parent, she was so spoilt almost no one could talk are out of anything she sets her mind on doing. She would spend an average of 18 hours on the phone calling and talking. So one day her dad called her and said "baby, i know you like to talk on the phone but 12-year olds should not spend that much hours on the phone, its not about the money now but i want you to cut down the number of hours you spend on the phone." She reacted well to that, told her dad she would improve. Her dad was glad and left for his room, on his way to his room, the phone rang. The little girl ran to pick up the phone and talked for 10 hours. Her father was pretty impressed with her for such an improvement (a cut from 18-10hours) so he asked, who called? with a shrugged she answered 'oh its a wrong number'"

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OUT OF NIGERIA FOR TOO LONG (Source: Unknown)

You know you've been here (in the United States) too long when you say: Back to Top

Sorry, Wrong Address! (Source: Bibleshack )

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful e-mail technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

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NIGERIA AIR

You know you are flying Nigeria Air when.......
  1. You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff.
  2. Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.
  3. The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says .." beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh... "
  4. Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.system says that "..this is NOT a boarding announcement."
  5. You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment.
  6. At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent (body guard or escort).
  7. No magazine or news paper to read unless if you bring one.
  8. Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means.
  9. When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters .. "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"
  10. Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee".
  11. The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum.... then it starts to drip on you.
  12. Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the plane gentleeee.
  13. Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line
  14. The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol boy, no Tea oh"
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God, Are You Listening? (Source: Bibleshack )

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.So he asked, "God, are you listening?"

And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."

The man stopped and pondered some more.

He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replied, "In a second."

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Gladys (Source: Bibleshack )

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!

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Bumper stickers

Cars in Nigeria now zoom the streets with bumper stickers associated with the class the car belongs to...

On most jeeps, you see the sticker: "the Lord has lifted me up"

On S-class, E-class, C-class, Honda accord, Prelude and other cars In that category, you see the sticker: "I am the apple of God's eyes".

On cars like 504, and other tokunbos (used cars), you will notice the sticker: "Touch not my anointed".

On cars like the good old Beetle and Panel Vans (Salake) you'll see the sticker: "Let the weak say I am strong".

There are other cars especially those that cannot pass MOT or any other road worthiness test . These cars are simply moving coffins --- they have no brand name and no trace of manufacturers or country of origin. They are more liable to fall apart any moment. (You may need to hold the door with your hand or with a piece of string). Guess what sticker you see on these ones...?



"Relax, God is in control".

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U NO SEE (Original Author Unknown)

A very successful naija man parked his new Lexus in front of his office ready to show it off to his colleagues, as he got out a trailer passed too close and completely tore off the door, the man immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the police, and they arrived. before the officer could say anything the man was screaming hysterically, my Lexus!, my Lexus!, will never be the same again no matter what the panel -beater did to it, the officer just looked at the man in disgust and shook his head, I cant believe how materialistic you are, he said, you are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else. How can you say such a thing? Asked the man. Don't you know that your left arm is missing from your elbow down, it must have been torn off when the truck hit you..........., oh my God replied the man, "MY ROLEX" wrist watch.

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Which Hell Is Better? (Original Author Unknown)

A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives, he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?". He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told.."First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to be a public servant, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home..."

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Nigerians in Heaven (Original Author Unknown)

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they've got Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup all over their robes; hamhocks, Isi-ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold.

Some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are soda bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? What the.! ...!, hold on one minute." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold.

After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't belieee.....hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!!"

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Ugly Child (Original Author Unknown)

One day, a Nigerian woman got on a bus with her new baby.

On entering, the driver exclaimed that the baby she was holding was the ugliest creature he'd ever seen in his life.

The woman felt bad and insulted but ignored the driver's comment and went right to the back seat on the bus.

After settling down, the woman told her seat mate about the driver's comment. The woman got angry in sympathy and said, "Go back up front and tell him off! I will hold your monkey for you!"

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Many of this jokes are from Boomie O. unless otherwise stated!

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