This version of the book was composed by Greg Pool, Yak Shaman. The other version (extentions of the real book) were composed by a smathering of us, mostly at our local Denny's and Eat n' Park (which is no longer open 24/7).
Book One
What follows is an exerpt from the forthcoming Gospel According to Greg
the Yak Shaman, part of the Holy Book of Yak.
... And so the black-hearted demon Neilferatu lay in a bloody pulp by
the side of the road.
Soon, a Christian didst walk past.
"Help me," sayeth Neilferatu the boner-biting bastard.
"I canst not," sayeth the Christian, "'tis that Sabbath, and
I must go
sing old songs badly and consume the styrofoam and cheap wine." And the
Christian didst walk past.
Then, a Witch didst walk past.
"Help me," sayeth the jizzmopping, douche-nozzle-breathed anal wort
Neilferatu.
"I canst not," sayeth the Witch, "'tis a Sabbat, and I must
astrally
project to the orgy in honor of the Horned God." And the witch didst
walk past.
Then, a yak didst pass by.
"Help me," sayeth the shit-eating ingrown butthair Neilferatu.
"I art of the Yak," sayeth the Yak, "and I shalt stop for thee."
The
yak didst stop and kick the scat-munching Neilferatu in the ribs and
kneecaps, then the yak didst beat the toothpaste-brained Neiferatu about
the head with a large stick, and finally didst the yak cut off the foul
creature's fingers and tongue with a pair of pruning shears from
Wal-Mart.
Here endeth the lesson.
Book Two
Greg Pool, official shaman of the Yak Tribe, last Pagan virgin over the
age of sixteen, guardian of the Yaks against the corncob-fucking
toothpick-dicked semi-conscious vampiric cockknocking sheepfucker,
Neilferatu.
The yaks gathered around their elder for a lesson. And the Yakman
spake:
"In the beginning of the world before the Yak God created the Earth,
the Sun
and the Moon didst speak.
"'I art the Sun," sayeth the Sun, 'I bringeth all light to the Moon
and
shall bring all light to the Earth and the yaks upon it, and I shall feed
the
grass and lichens that feedeth them, and alloweth them to see the hot
yaks of
the opposite sex that they might muff hunt and cock shop, so shall the
yaks
worship me, and call me the Burning Ball of Life, for I die each eve and
am
born again each morn, but the Moon dieth and returneth but once a month.'
"'Sun thou art,' sayeth the Moon, 'and die and return each day thou
dost,
and feed the Yaks thou shalt, but worship thee the yaks shalt not. For
thine is the heat of too much life, thou art fickle and comest not when
needed
and goest not when unwanted, thou diest and art reborn too much, and the
end
of the yaks thou shalt be when thou growest big and consumeth in thine
heat
the Earth and even mine own body. For these reasons the yaks shalt
shield
their eyes against thine heat, and gather together under the predictable,
cool
light of my presence, and eat the Chicken Yakatori when I am fattest in
the
Month of the Crabby Yak. And they shalt call thee the Burning Ball of
Hate,
and they shalt sleep and toil in buildings when thou dost live, and party
when
thou dost die.'"
And the yaks did meditate upon these things.
Here endeth the lesson.
Book Three>
This be the most true and holy Gospel of the Yak, as written faithfully and dutifully by Greg Wodahs Pool, Shaman of the Yak tribe. May the Yak Gods shine their brilliant light of inspiration upon me, may the Yak spirits protect me from all decieving demons such as that nadless dick-chomper Neilferatu, may the Yak ancestors guide me right to the Astral Yak Library where true and accurate knowledge of all Yaks is held. If a single word of this text be false, may my parents die and leave me their money. If a single word of this text be true, may my parents die and leave me their money. The most high and honorable Yak God didst look down upon the world of His creation, and he wept bitterly, for there was no Yak tribe thereon. And the Yak said, "Let there be a child born that I might enter it and become an avatar to lead my people to Yak tribalness." And it was so. And the Yak God didst become the Yakman on the twenty-first day of the Month of the Crabby Yak, in the first Year of the Yak. As the great Yak didst leave the slimy warm soup of his mother's belly, he didst speak, "Prepare the traditional Yak Avatar's Garb and the Chicken Yakatori, for I art the Yak God incarnate." But their ears were sealed and their eyes closed, and so they didst hear, "WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" being always the sound of unrecognised wisdom. So the Yak didst live as a humble mortal, taking upon Himself the sufferings of the flesh for the good of his yak tribe, which was then scattered and unaware of its yakness. And on the hundred and third day of the thirteenth Year of the Yak, the Yakman didst discover a new use for his third horn. And on the hundred and fourth day of the thirteenth Year of the Yak, the Yakman didst discover a new use for his third horn three more times. And the Yak was not horny for two days afterward.