(excerpts from the Official Quote Book)

Yakman:

"I've seen the light, and it is yellow."

"Kris Kross has become a conversation piece."

"Add 'pits of hell' to any sentance to make it sound cool."

"I shall now call them crotchtons."

"Quik 6 IS open 'til 2!!"

"Come to think of it, I haven't had anyone on the tip of my tongue for awhile."

"Get back in the closet, Logan."

"HARD & PURPLE & HUGE?!"

"Never say that Bert can't do anything about it."

"I just like saying 'Interactive Yoda'."

"I'm not going to bend over to get a piece."

"That's not quote book material. Hey look, string cheese!"

"Logan likes to be spelunked. Doesn't he Greg?"

"Logan has quite the jungle ass..."

"There. Your nose is now firmly attatched to my testicles. Write it down."

"It's the...oh...ah...um...oh...EPIC POEM!! Ow, I just smacked myself in the nose..."

"My head is on Kee's uterus."

"You know with my back arched just so I can't reach my belt."

"Slow it down guys I can only write so fast."

"Hey, Jay, where's your love worm?"

"I need a place to write. Bend over again, Stu."

"Oh, you're easy...ten inches?"

"Look, Kee's boobs are a cup cozy!"

"If it's in the quote book, it's gotta be true."

It's a sad, sad day when roadkill reminds me where I am."

"I was unaware of your knockers..."

"So I plugged it in the eye."

"I'm making a shaft."

"So now I have a fragile staff..."

"Is it staying up?"

"You can sleep with me, Matt."

"She's got a hole..."

"Ooooh, I got a leg cramp!" (in coitus)

"I've never heard music from my testicles. Have you?"

"Just wait 'till I start humping your leg."

"But if your (w)hole is half of one..."

"It's hard to keep the rhythm goin'!"

"I just need someone to distract him long enough for me to slide in."

"My crotch is pretty."

Greg (or just Grr):

"All scrotal sacks heal with time."

"I can lend you that book."

"It's a skin problem."

"You know I noticed...my wrists are smaller than my dick."

"My knees would have knocked together but there were breasts in the way."

"To touch two naked women at once...wow..."

"I've never kissed a pre-teenage girl in an alleyway after school...the grand jury was WRONG!"

"I want to have sex with your armpit."

"You know she was talking into my dick."

"I'm sure Tracy would rather do it herself. Just leave it there."

"Let me help you with that...bend over." (to Logan)

"It pops up when I drink."

"I, for one, welcome our new Goatse overlords."

"Give to me damned fucking pink thing!"

"Provide my cream!!!"

"I'M FEMALE!"

"Truce, holy fuck I can barely walk I'm drunk."

Tracy (or Tracalyn):

"The mood I'm in now would make me willing to try recreational drug use."

"You guys can eat Logan all you want, but I'm not involved."

"Will you stop playing with it?!"

"She dropped her bed on my foot for your pants."

"No, you can't have my penis." (she has a penis?!?!?)

"Does it have a little condom on it?"

"I don't want to write, I'm naked!"

"I'll be terribly illegible."

"I'm so lost. Who laid that..?"

"I'm not wet yet...oh wait..."

"Buy a projectile TV and you get one free."

"Oh...It hurts so I know I'm tight."

"Crystal's cooter IS a ball catcher!"

"Everyone wants our seat."

"What the fuck are you watering my toes for!?" (to Gina)

"I can get four handjobs at once."

"Crab lice??"

"Look at my 11 inch clit!"

"There's nothing like 3 year old crotch in your face."

"He looks like a penis with no hair. Doesn't he? A walking penis."

"I got distracted by Kotex."

"OMG I don't have condoms."

"I'm going to fucking kill you, Bernell."

Kee:

"Ok, look...wanna see my kidneys?"

"I promise that I'll say I'm naked."

"I've seen Tracalyn naked."

"I need to bite something."

"I have to have the dick or nothing at all."

"It's not fair!"

"How am I supposed to hypnotize him with you playing with my cooter?"

"My cooter is not a black hole!"

"My cooter is not a muppet!"

"Have you ever made your penis sing?"

"I'm in between your legs and all I can think of is liquor."

"I'm high on snot."

"Cheese Bits!!"

"I can't say anything...it'll be a quote forever!"

"When Logan shits it's strained."

"Eight feet of beef is too much!"

"Your farts smell like cheese."

"If I would have said it, it would have been a quote."

"I prefer an unborn fetus to a baby...just stick a hanger up there and pull out a fetus. It's like a lollypop!"

"That's the last time I buy a pack of magnetic letters for the fridge..."

"I feel like I've just given head to a huge black licorice stick."

"Will you get offended if I call you a big fat bastard?"

"Hey, Logan wants to sleep between you and Brent and pretend he's skiing!"

"Take my zucchini!"

"You sheathed my zucchini!"

"Show us your tits, Trish!!"

"You're sitting on my ovaries..."

"I love you wife, but I've never been in your vagina."

"Now it smells like fruity ass."

"Bert's head is on my womb."

"I have to readjust my boob so you can write."

"Now my nips are hard."

"I knew I should have left the quote book at home."

"You know what? I want to get a Jesus Butt Plug just because."

"How do you know Blue doesn't sleep with Steve?"

"*giggle* I love Magna Doodles. *giggle*"

"I could be a midget."

"What the hell was that? You got a wookie up your ass?" - to Bert

"I'm black...I'm black!"

"Greg's got, like, a skin crevice."

"I think if I can lick my own nip I could lick my own 11 inch clit."

"We can give you this for free but you have to buy your own penis sword."

"I want the nuts at the bottom!"

"I wouldn't want to eat dick-toast."

"There's nothing like going into your freezer looking for an ice cream sandwich and finding an ice dildo."

"What? Am I going to masturbate for 3 hours?" (on plane trips)

"Sausage AND midgits?!"

"If you're gonna walk behind me all day with your hands on my tits go ahead."

"I love the tongue!"

"Don't ever give me gonerrhia!"

"My grandmother bought me for that."

"Sir Bampf-a-lot." (Nightcrawler)

"I've got goo on my hands"

"I'm sucking the meat off the ones you can't get."

"He was all up in my ass before I gave it to him."

"My balls are huge I'm surprised I could run!"

"My favorite toy aside from the sit n spin."

"I'm not letting him know I'm coming, but he's getting it right in the ass."

"God dammit, get off the mule!"

"The weenies are getting big and popping out of the pot."

"...and go down on her."

"It's like a slumber party except I took my pajamas off."

"The last thing I want to see is your balls slapping against my ass."

"If that squirts, it's not going to be good."

"You raped me of the cow!"

"I don't know how I managed it, but I got it under my tongue."

"You've got the gimp hand, you can't even masturbate, remember?"

"Maybe he likes jingly balls because he doesn't have any."

"Ahhh... My crotch got fished!!!"

"She's like a six-year-old enema."

"Kee-bait! Hoo-ha-ha!"

"You're gonna shit on an ice cream sundae."

"So you don't, like, have elaborate balls?"

"Your six inches have been immortalized in the quote book."

"I got killed by a hooker."

"Well he can't throw cock butts in my flowers, either."

"I wanna pull it out and put a ball on it."

"I ate Mandy's berries..."

"You stick it up the butt..."

"My house isn't a military base...Bert's balls are!"

"Play with it a little, it'll get soft."

"Can you...uh...milk me? Honey?"

"It's an orgy of ass."

"When are you gonna start to suck?"

"He would so not mind if you licked his beans."

"I like swallowing them and pulling them out..."

"Your balls are hot."

"I'm reachin' in but there's nothin' there!"

"Oh, that's extra pleasure if I sit on it....WHEEE!!!"

"It won't hurt; he's limp-wristed."

"Aw! Get the FISH! out of your pants!"

"Anybody want a nip?"

"Anything that'lll make my bits fall off..."

"Damn. He was almost sucking his own cock."

"I'm sorry I grabbed your man-boobs."

"Fall is my favorite month."

Leak:

"I like your vibrator."

"Greg, you need to lose your underwear."

"It's all an elaborate ploy to get the nips."

"I wonder if Heather gets bored and braids it..." (talking about Logan's jungle ass)

"If Pearl had a cooter I'm sure Logan would have already tried."

"BRRRUBBUBUBUB!"

"You dove in but you're hanging in and out."

"Because I'm a fairy."

"Ok, Brian's taking it up the rear."

"I don't have a crotch."

"I'll give you my six inches."

"My mom is not giving me a reach-around!"

"Oh, you know you want to give it to me."

"Wow, I don't think I've ever farted out of the front of my ass."

"She ate some of my meat!"

"Whaddaya wanna do? Rear it?"

"I know what it is with you, you just need something in your mouth."

"There's a lot of butt jokes in this book."

"Four successes against you with the tongue."

"You like giving yourself head don't you?"

"And remember, Mandy can't do herself."

"BJ's should be in a strip mall."

"...all I can see is the head of the penis..."

"Shoot your missiles at the penis."

"He scored on me once, and I scored on him once."

"What's a cling-on, and where's your anus?"

Mooch:

"I want a fucking bottle of Manischewitz!"

"My ass is sticking to the seat...and I've got jeans on."

"I can't believe people are eating footlongs...I can barely eat six inches!"

"My insurance prevents me from mounting anything."

"I wanna stick to suck!"

"I'm not guaranteeing nothing, but I used to be pretty good."

"I swallowed it before it reached my tongue."

"All I heard was prophelactics..."

"I will lay it cause I feel like doing it!"

"I want a piece...gimme the pink!"

"I wasted my whole load on you!" (to Mandy)

"You see, the problem is the word 'teabag' wasn't in my vocabulary until I met you people."

"I gotta learn how to recharge my wand."

"I like nuts in the mouth."

"That's why man created water."

"She's too short. I can't see her behind the rack."

"Hell, if you were lovers in front of my back I wouldn't care." (to Jenn and Kee)

"I have the utmost respect for anyone who can do that...hell I can only take 7 inches!"

"That must have hurt a lot; I hope they use lots of lube."

"He's dripping every last wonderful drop in my glass."

"Let's take the action to the bedroom."

"Digging through and plugging holes..."

"Snap into it! Snap into my rectum! Oh, yeeeeeeah!"

"I don't remember knocking you up." (to Mandy)

Matt:

"What's so fucked up about 'Sharon Peters'?!...oh..."

"Yeah...But your whip is limp..."

"I guess that means Tracy's mouth is bigger than yours."

"I'm only in the quote book twice."

"That gives a whole new meaning to "Figure Head".

"Was that a queef?!"

"What about the tongue thrust?"

"He's still writing? What the hell is he still writing?"

"Look, I've got an 11 inch pole between my legs!"

"That's not very polite! You should swallow."

"You shoulda got them all, that way we have re-mounts."

"It would have gone in better if I put it in the other way."

"Is there enough space for me to get off?"

"I just pounded on it, it just bounced on it's own."

Lindsey:

Logan:

"Mooch should know better...yeah, right."

"Owww...That's a corner in the ass crack."

"I don't have any cigarettes. How can I fart in the house?"

"I can blow big ones!"

"He comes a few hundred miles. I'll take it in the mouth."

"I've gotta flatulate out my ear."

"That makes me a horny bitch!"

"This is probably the most intellectual conversation you'll get out of me for...10 hours..."

"Yeah we went up and she got her bellybutton re-fitted..."

"I get grassburns on my knees...like rugburn but green...it's all good."

"The shock of the whole growth...it put me into a seizure..."

"I don't know where we're going...I don't know geology..."

"Since I started taking drugs, I can sit down and shit out a normal-sized log, if not turdlets."

"I'm gay bait, and I'm telling you, you're gay bait..." (to Jay)

"He stuck his tongue in my mouth and I just went with it."

Stu:

"Oh, I'll get you some."

"Well, at least it's not a FEZ dispenser. It'd be weird seeing those funny hats come out of those little things."

"Jesus Christ! I don't have a girlfriend, but I have a hand and I'm not depraved!"

"He's ribbed for her pleasure..."

"As soon as I got close to him I went limp."

"That's the sound of asscheeks on wood..."

"This may sound strange, but I've got an inch more movement."

"You can't knock up a sphincter."

"I just bob around like a greased up ball bearing."

"My ass rules!"

Dudley:

"I got jugs in my face. I'm happy."

"There's a bottle of Cherry Coke in the fridge and Stu said something about eatin' Gina..."

"Just put lips around the hole."

Jay:

"I have to get my monkey!"

"That's going on a t-shirt."

"I wanna make a band and call it 'Lima Bean' and then open for Korn. We can call it the 'Sucotash Tour'."

"Go ahead, throw the big fish."

Heather:

"Green light...my turn.""

"Why didn't you guys tell me my top wasn't up?"

"I can't believe that came out of my mouth."

"I bang the carbonation out of it."

Tai:

"Play...play...play...play...play..." etc ad infinitum

"Naked...he's naked..." (about the neighbor boy at Kee's house)

"Tube steak! Tube steak!"

"You have two balls."

"My head keeps falling off!"

David:

"I taught my dog how to come!"

"I'm getting my muffin."

"I've got a thingy."

"What is Kotex? I'm not Kotex..."

"Poke it with a stick!"

"What does 'queef' mean?"

"I got crabs in the car."

"You still haven't sucked it small!"

"I need a rod of something."

"I got sex...I mean six..."

Markham:

"A mace is a shaft with a heavy head."

"I jerk it to the left and right to get it verticle"

"I walk into a party, drop my pants and say, 'hey, check out the tail, beotch!'"

"I keep playing with the broken rubber."

"I'd have to wrestle a midget to get it off."

"My nuts slid down my butt crack between my butt cheeks, bounced off the mat, and came back like a yo-yo."

"He's the Anal Messiah!" (about Greg, who he admittedly doesn't know...yet)

"I'm laying under Bert."

"It was either a spider leg or a pube, I don't know."

"Quit kneading my crotch"

"If I throw up, it will taste good coming up."

"First his head went limp, and then I felt it on my leg..."

"No, the orgy. We'll all be happy with the orgy."

"I'll pack your fudge."

"Bert's testicles are like a military prison!"

"No! You are not getting in my crotch!"

"Oh, yeah, I'm gettin' jumped...I forgot about that."

"What are you, Queen Crotch?"

"Ya, that is pretty small."

"I have a gay uncle so I'll use my imagination."

"I like it in the ass and I'm not afraid to admit it."

"Squeeze it off!"

"Maybe I'm trying to hunt down your dick and it's so damn hard..."

"Yes! I can not wait until tomorow! I get tea-bagged!"

"What...didn't the sheep testify?"

"I leech onto the one who has his tongue imbedded in him."

"*cough* *splutter* Wait for me to swallow first!"

"He implanted a nine-month bomb." (about Bert)

"Glad I swallowed...I saw it comin'."

Robin:

"I'm so excited I can't get it out!"

"Here's Kitty... This is the song I was singing when you looked at me funny in the bedroom."

"Felch? I'm Hiney. Felch and Hiney!"

"She can't get head, either."

"Oh, I'll give you asshole!"

"A dildo and a cockroach...what a team."

"Honey, I'm sorry I gave you head."

"You never play with me, Mandy!"

"At least you have someone to play with now and you don't have to play by yourself."

"You don't talk when I'm playing with you."

"I've swallowed many balls"

"She's a whapper!"

"Alex, if you don't stop, no more shots."

"Octo-weiner!"

"It has little rubber nubblies!"

"This is Bones. Don't touch his wet spot."

"You've got to win so I have somebody to sleep with tonight."

"No more...*cough*...No more cock!"

"It's my lust for my brother that's ruining me."

"My mouth won't fit around it."

"They're cheap and they're free!"

"Brian don't grab any other...man's...boobs?!"

"Suck it, Mandy."

"Speaking of douche..."

"Wrong end...dude, smell my finger."

"We found a seeping crevasse."

"He took it easy on us with the worm..."

"Ok, I found it, I pull it out..."

"Yeah, I just gave him a piece." (about Mooch)

"I don't like much caramel...it sticks to my balls."

"Oooh, Brian likes Tang!"

"Don't eat the pussy!"

"Why is everyone playing with my pussy?"

"Pick a finger and stick it in!"

"I hate when I bite my balls...that hurts!"

"She'll get sewed up with a Bert beard hair stickin' out of her uterus...that's not good..."

"Have you ever farted and it felt like warm oatmeal?"

"I love orgy."

"Don't you play with his secret!"

"It's a mouthful..."

"Mooch, don't waste your stuff."

"The buttery nipples were a while ago."

"What the hell am I doing with these two balls?"

"Did I tell you that my mom broke the beaver her boyfriend gave her?"

Brian (White):

"I'm seducing the horse!"

"I'm going to put a giant steel dildo around the Gladiator."

"Hey Robin...I'm stuck between your legs and I don't think I can get up by myself."

"I wish I had a big weenie." (Who purportedly does have a big weenie)

"The fudge doesn't pack right in cold weather."

"It's kinda hard to blow it without gettin' cheese."

"She's going to anally violate you with the baby jesus!"

"I wish I could make it smaller so it would fit in the hole."

"Stop, I don't want your blue thing poking my yellow hole."

"It wasn't because of the fake tits, it was because all of the stupid shit that happened."

"I wish I had a first cum burger."

"Dude, if you're sucking her, you better be sucking me!"

"Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. You've got open buns for a hot dog to roll in."

"I'm gonna try and fist 'im."

"If you were teabagged by my hairy Italian balls, you'd know it!"

"If I can seduce the horse, I can rear a camel!"

"The worm was pretty tight."

"He's not black or spic-o-rican."

"If I don't get anal, I'm not sucking your butt!"

"I love Tang...Tang is my friend."

"Every time I lift it, stick your tongue out." (To Markham)

"Just stick it in and get over it."

"Why do I see your ending up part of a bowel movement?"

"You gotta get it up the first time..."

Alex:

"What's wrong with your boobs?"

"He made my underwear wet."

"I'm not gonna suck it...I just wanna see it!"

"I made two big balls."

"Excuse me. Young stick. Ow, my butt!"

Mandy:

"Take it the whole way off, I wanna suck the other end."

"I have a hole."

"I just lost my cherry!"

"As long as I keep it lubricated it's alright."

"Can I bite this and see what happens?"

"Can you get your pussy from between my legs? I want a cigarette."

"You won't blow and make it go?"

"Would you like some pork and sourkraut if I come?"

"Release the hole, you don't need to squeeze."

"It would be easy...cause I'm easy."

"Can I have one of your cherries?"

"That looks good, but I don't do nuts."

"Hard on the outside, soft on the inside...that's not natural."

"Fuck me I just ripped my jeans."

"You don't have to do me if you get my number."

"Why don't you put Mandy on the board and I'll do myself."

"I said I wanted it, and Bert said where else are you gonna play it other than Leak and Kee's house."

"Everytime I open my mouth something bad comes out."

"I don't do clay!"

"You suck at sucking!" (to Markham)

"Get outta me!" (to Bert)

"Ewww, white stuff, eww it's hard."

"Do you want me to kiss it?"

"Goddammit Stu, I can taste your shit."

"Never suck on anything black."

"I'll suck on your cheesy bacon bit breasts!" (To Kee)

"Are you just spewin' them out or what?"

"That's where you like it...right up Bert's ass!" (To Mooch)

"Hold on, my hands are all sticky from that white stuff I rubbed all over Jerry's face."

"Do you just wanna eat it offa mine...I'm almost done."

"You wasted some good ass cake."

"Get me! Do me!"

"If it comes out chunky you've got a problem!"

"You should have felt me last week...I was really hard."

"Look, he has crabs, too."

"I like it crispy on the outside and soft in the middle."

"Your shit tastes like heaven."

"I'll refill it..."

"If you screw me you're not moving."

"There was a vibrator on mine but we took it off when I got it."

"People are sticking it in the wrong end!"

"So if he gets me on the board he can't do me."

"You can't keep track of everything that comes out of my mouth."

"You keep talking about your beef and noodles...I want to taste it."

Pearl:

"My dingle-berry hatched!"

Others:

"Logan, do girls let you do that?!?" -- Leak's Mom

"That's a hairy panda..." -- Moltar

"Oh look...a message from my teeth!" -- The Tick

"This movie would be a whole lot better if he had been biten by a cow." -- Crow from MST3K

"Blue sucks monkey balls...it was on the Discovery Channel..." - Jade

"Why is there a naked troll in the hall?" - Pitt

"You got constipated by Logan??" - Tamara

"It's parted on the wrong side!" - Brent (talking about Logan's butt)

"My tool is broken..." - Jade

"That reminds me...I have to go ge tmy drill...before it gets any new attatchments." - Brent

"I'm a pussy." - Chunk

"I'm gonna get a breast deduction." - Chunk

"I noticed your uteran area is developing rather nicely." - Felix

"Does it need to be that tight?" - Kay

"TAMPAX!" (instead of "Tag, you're it! No tagbacks") - Mark

"They don't know how far up to stick it." - Jandy

"How many people are getting Kee?" - Felix

"You got some white stuff all over your face." - Jandy

"I'll just use my ball!" - Ben

"I like getting paid in dick!" - The caption on Markham's porno box

"It's short but it's girthy." - Herb

"You have to have good balls to be competitive." - Kris

"Some guys are very stretchy." - Kris

"Who's on top of me?" - J

"I was playing with the bong and I get confused..." - J

"That's why he's all rubbing me up." - J

"1 gay and 2 potential...and we're going to a bar tonight...what potential." - J

"That would be one hell of a rimjob!" - J

"It's the devil's penis uncircumsized." - J

"I'm putting herpes on the devil's balls." - J

"No! His balls fell on it!" - J

"So you want Satan's penis?" - J

"Don't I get an extra attack if he's erected?" - J

"Don't squish them. I take forever to hit them balls." - J

"Will you immortalize my man-boobs?" - J (who has no man-boobs)

"I don't want anyone talking about my rectum. My rectum is not up for discussion." - J

"If anyone voted for my rectum, I'ma take 'em outside." - J

"I think my butt touched something..." - Kris

Tagteams:

"I just count 'em of three...ya know..." -- Stu
"It's just like braille!" -- Bert (talking about Gina's bra)

"I don't see why your lap is so comfortable. There's really nothing there." -- Bert
"That's true...Wh...ah...HEY!" -- Greg

"I have to pee...I don't think I can make it..." -- Tracy
"I'm not wiping for you..." -- Kee

"Hey look there's my tits." -- Dudley
"Hey, that's cool!" -- Bert

"Fishy Jack Horner sat in the corner eating his hairy pie. He stuck in his fire and pulled out a penis and said 'What a good vagoina am I!'" -- Mad Lib

"McChitlins!" - Eric and Stu at the same time

"They wanna hump..." - Brent and Stu at the same time

"Your cooter's talking." - Kee
"Yeah, do you hear it?" - Heather

"I can wag my tail." - Eric
"Tails are supposed to go out the back!" - Kee

"It doesn't happen like that, Kee...pregnancies happen in spurts." - Eric
"I beg to differ...pregnancies happen BECAUSE of spurts!" - Bert

"I couldn't see Greg getting it up the ass." - Bert
"I could see him licking somebody's balls..." - Eric

"I ate myself sober!" - Robin
"Yeah, and we all watched!" - Markham

"We screwed her peach!" - Robin
"Why do you always talk about my butt?" - Alex

"Mark, your weiner is next!" - Robin
"Yay...put some cheese on it!" - Mark

"Did that tickle your ass?" - Kee
"Yeah...it tickled my gootch!" - Markham

"If you swirl your tongue around the side, it'll come out easier." - Mandy
"Yeah, kinda like a rimjob." - Robin

"I don't know how much meat I can take." - Leak
"About six inches." - Bert

"It's empty." - Brian
"Well suck it out!" - Robin