rending, stretching, tearing
the flesh across the bone
aching for moment of tension to break
when all floods out and down
over hands reaching and tongues
when the tears stain the cold marble
and the heart beat stops.

At the center of it all
I stand
Lacking what it takes to see the outside.

All around there exists
A barrier
It's a barrier that blocks
My emotions from leaving me
But it lets other in.

If I were to shatter
The barrier
Would I be able to express
Or would my world come crashing.

Tumbling in this void
I feel
A hand on my shoulder
I look up towards the face above me,
But I can not see through the barrier.

I can feel the rain
Pitter-patter
Through my barrier and
I can feel the wind across my skin.

I can lie awake on
The grass
At night while the stars glint
High up in the heavens,
But I can not break through the barrier.

BOOM! CRASH!
the surf thunders in...
the sand sinks between my toes
only to melt again in the next wave.
As I look into the brilliant blazing
sun, I can see the heat
traveling to warm me.
The beach is long and farther up
the surf gets soft
and slow and quiet.
I'll lie back in the shade of a rock
and dream in the heat
sleep in the sun
I'll listen to the waves rock me to dreams
of the wet water
and the dry sand
and their union between my toes on a
hot summer day.

Taking the time by the time,
Interfering with the natural process.
It's the time in the time,
That comes to the binding.

Swirls of color that absorb thought,
Time and time again they invade
My mind.

As I look out into the ocean,
I se the color as it dips and
Sways on the waves.

When he sighs in the wind,
The color follows the pattern of
His breath.

It covers the meaning and
Sucks up all of the truthfulness
Of anything said.

Forbid the color,
Stop the color,
Accept the color.

I need the feeling of warmth,
When I am alone and cold,
I cradle myself in warmth.
When I am with someone,
I cradle myself in their warmth,
Hoping, also, that they are cradled in mine.

Sometimes, I think, I feel
That I could do without the warm touch.
When I am so hot that I can
Barely stand my own clothing,
But even then the burning heat
Of another layer or of someone's touch
Is pleasurable. -- It is only in times like these
That I feel, the mind can be sent
Racing under heat upon heat.
It drives me to oblivion with the feeling
Of not being able to think, but still, --
I crave the wamth.

Decisions

Why is it that the things that are the most precious
or the things that are arousing or desirable are
the things that never stay as you want them
But turn instead into sickly maggots that eat away
At what parts of you that you try the most to hide
From the world.
So what is it you need to think? Or need to know?
What will keep it all inside?
A bandage or maybe a gag.
Maybe nothing.

Crawling under the bed
I choke on the dust you left there.
I tell you, "Crawl into my head,
And tell me what you see there."

Looking at you I see darkness
So I blink and pull away
It's only your hair out of focus
And in a whisper you'll hear me say,

"Door to my head has been shut
Door to my head has a lock
I'm afraid you'll think I'm a nut
Cause on this door you don't need to knock."

i am formless
i exist in a circle of light
and can hold you close
touch my circle and you can come in
don't you want to be in my circle?
you can be formless, like me
don't you want to be formless?

I watched as the clouds all converged,
Soaring overhead with their thunderous echoes in my ears,

On that one point, in the center of the sky.
It went from blue to gray, with those clouds
Always remaining white against the background, ever moving.

With the wind to their backs and fronts.
I knelt in my dress, on the edge of the road.
The gravel bit into my knees because my dress was made for summer,

And was light and thin, covering only to my thighs.
I saw to one side of me the green field
Where I longed to run into, with my bare feet and summer dress,

And still under my knees was the painful road.
The clouds were meeting on a point above my field.
It hurt that I could still see them, with their impeccable white on gray.

And the wind picking up, getting bluster and harsh.
My winter begins setting in, making it so I can't move
From this spot. I kneel in the roadside gravel and watch the green field

Freeze over and the clouds convene without me.
And beneath it all, I see people in the field
Under that meeting spot, my people, without me.

I stretch out my hand and fall over, calling out.
Don't leave me here... I say, with
My knees freezing to the road, my upper body freezing to the grass,

And my eyes freezing open, staring at my loneliness.

I am the mouthless worm.
I am the deathless eternity.

I am you.
I am your eyes.
I see all of your sins
From the inside.

Cut me, burn me, hit me, hate me,
Kill me.
You can't stop me.

I will swim through you,
And ignite your fears,
And feed your self-hate,
And fire your senses,
And make you feel alive.

Fly with me! High... high, high!
Then
I will bring you down,
And shatter you.

And you will love me,
And despise me.
But to destroy me,
You have to destroy yourself.

And
You are, oh, so spineless.

I felt it for the thousandth time.
Only how do I know.
Only now do I wish I'd never know.
Only now, only now.
Now is not yesterday, although most of us
wish it were.
Now is not tomorrow, although we all
wish it were.
Now, now, I wish I could stop thinking.
Don't you wish you could stop?
To live
and not to think.
To exist
and not know.
To feel what I felt for the thousandth time,
and not to wish you were someone else.
To know, to know.
To know yourself.

The long sharp edge if it.
ran along my arm.
I felt the fear as it rose in my throat.

Opening my eyes,
I saw nothing but the churning of
the windmill as it ticked off the lonely days.

Keeping my eyes open I noticed
the grass, how it felt on my exposed abdomen
and the flowers that wavered in my view.

But as I once again closed my eyes,
I felt the long sharp edge of it.
It was hurting my throat.

The sky was blue, and I
was alone in the feild, near the lake
next to the windmill.

As I stood up and walkd to
the lake, I could feel the long sharp edge of it,
as it traced its way down my leg.

Under the water I would be safe,
Under the, under the, my eyes were
Open, but it was everywhere.

Slashing at my arms, legs, cheast
and face. Falling to the ground, I look
up, Into the smiling face of the windmill.

Sudenly it stopped, and I was alone.
Sitting calmly at the base of the windmill,
letting the wind rush over me.

Oh, how so peaceful, the wind,
the grass, the dirt and suddenly
I become the long sharp edge of it.

-What should I concentrate on, Daddy?
-Tell me please.
Keep your eyes on the ball,
Keep your eyes on the coin,
Try to follow my hand.
-But, Daddy, the ball it moves so fast,
-The coin,it shines, it blindes,
-And your hand, it blocks the light.
Do you want to learn the trick?
If you want Daddy to teach you the magic.
You have to pay attention and watch.
-I do, Daddy, I do.
-I promise, this time,
-I'll watch,
-I'll pay attention, I promise.
Good, now watch, learn.
You know that with your Daddy
You can do anything, don't you?
-Daddy, teach me to love.
Next time, next time.

After all I know
I shall reject the
Process if fear!
Taking what they toldme,
Taking what you showed me,
Taking how I hold me,
I am me.

I have found the peace
That I have, over time,
Searched for.

It came to me after
I realized my true time,
And that this was not it.

I keep waiting now
Praying that oen day,
In the not too near future,
It will come.

Hoping it will be soon,
Yet knowing it may never come,
And cherishing it.

Natural Intentions.
Intervening reactions.
The process pulls the seasons closer.
We are all pressed
Into wanting what's
Against our Natural Intentions.
If it would be possible
Would we still do it?

Small, tender showers blowing by
Like a breeze through
your shadow.
Sun on my arms,
swirling round my feet.
Wind crawling along,
touching the sky,
touching me.
close your eyes, lie in the open.
feel that touch on your arm.
feel my fingers encircle your hand.
Don't open your eyes,
you'll only see the wind.

like a lamp, shaded,
i await your touch.
you alone can make me break the night.
i sit with a shade over my face.
take it off, and i'll blind you.
leave it on, look through my guise
and see me as the world sees me.
take it off, and i'll blind you.

Pull Me Away

Where does one go when the direction dangles?
How will I get to the end of my rope?
Climb up and up and up and over!
Don’t forget that you need sleep or else
consciousness will devour you and leave nothing
but pain in its place.
It hurts you like a –

How do you tell one your hearts desires?
You can't just come out and say it.
- I love you.
You can't just blurt it out.
- I want to be with you forever.
No matter how perfect the moment.
Is there anyway to say what you really feel?
- I love you.
Without comming the final act of giving in?
- I lust for you.
But more important,
Is there a way to tell the different.

The water at night.
Silent, and dark.
Peaceful, calm, like obsidian --
Reflecting the sun...
At night.

The quiet of the darkness
It roars in my ears.
I try to cover them
But the quiet knows no
Boundries.

Walking barefoot by a
Lake at night...
Listening to the silence.

Freedom
Like a bird with out a nest,
On the wing.
Flight takes over where the mind leaves off.
Decisions, at first, are impossible

Freedom
To be free, to choose for one
Last time.
After this, you can never go back,
Until the final release.

The freedom
Of Eternity
You are free to choose your forever.
For now until the end...

It's amazing how you can just sit here,
thinking, living.
Pause for a moment.

Life slowly slips past you.
Every second you are getting older.
It seems sometimes I can almost here time.
At it echoes past me.

It thunders in my ears.
Very loud,
But when I'm loud, it fades to almost a whipser.
Time, time, time, thinking in a thought, how sublime.

Driving out the voices.
The voices in my head.
How do I stop the voices?

Will they stop if I go deaf?
I don't know, I don't know.
Over and over, I try to
Purge my head of the voices.

There are two kinds.
On the one ear you have
The voices that persecute and ridicule.
And on the other you have
the voices that comfort and soothe.

But I try to get rid of both.
I get rid of the bad voices
Because they hurt my heart.
I need to get rid of the nices ones.
They remind me of what I can never own,
What is no longer mine to hold.

Voices, voices in my head.
Driving out the voices.
Will silence ever come?
I doubt even dying would stop the voices.

Sitting at a desk mear a window in a class.
And I had drawn off my glasses to clean them.
As my hand moved down to bring
The lens to the hem of my shirt,
I saw in the convex lens a reflection
Of the window that was asjacent to me.
It was of the tops of the green trees
Moving and swaying against a cloudy blue sky,
Framed by the square panes. A door, a portal.
Such beauty as I had never seen from this seat.
Without that angled convex lens' aid,
I would only have seen bare rotting trunks
And walls streaked with green metal rust.
In that second, I was in those tree branches
Feeling the wind that moves those cloulds.
My hand finishes its motion unthinkingly
And covers the lens with the hem of my shirt.
I fall back to my seat.
Shaken by my descent, I look outside
Through the wide window,
Aching for my escape, but getting my reprise
From this man-made world.