Saturday,Sunday 23, 24 March 2002.
THE RIDE ACROSS A STATE FOR YARRABAH
Gahreetings folks, another weekend has set on The
Endless Summer that is the life of the Bandidos. The Way, The Word and The Light that
shines out and tends to blind the opposition. Much in the same way as Brooksies mirror
sunnies
Read below for details on one of the all time Bandido Classic Chapters
THE STATS
For the onlookers, the wannabees and could have beens, the matter underlying the myth, :-
Total Distance : 270km peddled out of 530km total distance
Average Speed : 35.0 km (to be verified by El Scrib)
Height climbed : ok, maybe a thou
Time Taken : (either hammering on bike or recovering in bus) 16 hours
Water Consumption (per rider) : about 20 bottles
Food Consumption : 3 cans creamed rice, 3 x 4 sandwitches, 20 bananas, 3 leppins
(excluding meals at the motel)
PREAMBLE
Training and condition has now become verse and chapter of "The Bandido Way" We
all know that the World Champs are a scarce 6 months away and the big guns are oiling
their weapons. We all know that secret training abounds. With hooded figures doing their
Crit training up dark alleys and even underground in sewers. There has been reports of
secret puchases of high end trainers and motivation tapes. And the muffled sounds of
hyperventilation and grande esfuerzo from sheds converted to training gymnasiums. Howls at
the full moon late at night. While testy wifes wonder who is the Thunder Thighed Werewolf
that used to be their husband.
But we know all that stuff. What still amazes the scribe is a certain members
intransigence to "The Way"
Still trying to use alcohol as a stimilant. Locked in the belief that it is a subsitute
for caffeine.
Still hopeful that some wizard will invent an alcoholic beverage that stimulates muscle
and cardiovascular development.
...Will someone please tell the president that you cant fake fitness.
And so it came to pass that the 10 hearty cycling souls and 4 fabulous backup crew headed
off from Yarrabah School to Mildura. By Yarrabah School Bus. This turned out to be a bum
numbing experience of 6 hours duration. We were entertained by school yard banter and
boasting. Of great accomplishments both past and imagined. By glories yet to be attained.
And gleaming trophies still unseen.
Harrumph !! 2 members took the easy way out. They even had Quantas phone them to request
wether they could close the Quantas Club before they arrived. Grovel grovel. Such one
upmanningful piking is absolutely discraceful. But we had to agree it was smart. They
shall remain nameless but SB and RS, we know who you are...
En route at land level, Lattees were consumed wherever possible and Mildura attained by
4pm. Bikes and kits unpacked and installed in most sumptious motel accomodation. Tea was
partaken with beer predominating and some steak and salad for roughage.
We were then unwittingly coerced to take a "gentle stroll" down the road by Al
and PB.
Into town. Just down the road fellas. Good for the digestion...
Well I must report that 2 members got blistered feet from that saunter.
PB hammered down the road and we strugggled to keep up.
We dipped our sweating brows into The Murray and chased down some ice creams to dampen the
fever before returning at a sole destroying speed.
THE RIDE
A glinting blue metallic day greeted our battle clad emergence for autographs and photos.
Mildura now a flood of multicoloured treddlies. I did a recce of the opposition.
What an array of talent! There was the full spectrum. From the gym jumpered, footy
shorted, shed rusty Repcos, to the bulging taut lycrad rainbow Colnagos.
Al Pres did an inventory check...yep...still the most expensive bike in town. No need for
another this week.
Then there was the body language.
We had the confused look, the shifting eyes, the dropped shoulders and nervous itchy
scratch of the newly conscripted rider.
We had the chins up, stiff upper lips, too wide smiles, new helmets and hope my clothes
arent too tight of the wannabees.
Then of course the big hitters. Arms across puffed up chests, massive legs shaved and
oiled, direct eye contact, c'mon, i dare you to look down there - that isnt a sock stuffed
in sonny.
Ohhh yessss, we have found "The Opposition"
Its gonna be fun for sure...
The big guns headed by John Someone (whose name i have forgotten and shall be henceforth
named John the Control Freak or John TCF) would make it worth their while by setting off
30 minutes behind the bunch.
In addition, teams were also leaving from Swan Hill and Echuka.
At Horsham, all three thousand riders would converge.
Who would be there first, setting the pace? This question slowly asserted itself in the
collective competitive conciousness of the Yarabah Bandidos.
We put our Yarrabah buddies Dennis and Dave in for the start. This would get them settled
and we could figure out who had what sort of condition and how we could organise the legs.
Twenty K down the road, a whole bunch of Bandits jumped on. Get everyone blooded and keep
them from bouncing off the walls of the bus in their excitement.
We peddled for about 90 minutes and hauled up the lead group. Up front we surveyed the
talent. No big guns yet. No big hitters to start hammering and breaking up the pack. Easy
goes it for the first few hundred...
After that first stint, (which, in the merciless heat, was somewhat too long) we started
using our groups. Learning No 1 gained. Be economical.
Richard, Leon Waz and Dennis wound it up and kept the lead pack going at about 33 clicks.
If anyone tired the strategy was to let them drift off and let them recover in the van
rather than slow the group. That was learning No 2. Waz and Dennis most grateful for the
early deduction of this strategy.
The heat was proving to be somewhat oppresive. Water had to be used to the max. For 1 hour
of riding, one to two bottles could be consumed with one additional for pouring into
helmet and down chest and back. (10 minutes later the lycra was dry again). Learning No 3.
Learning No 4. No food. No fuel. No where. (Refer to the stats above) At least another 2
bottles of water required whilst in the van with a couple of sandwitches, bananas and a
pasta/rice serving.
Al, Phil, Steve and Dave followed up. Also a good pace. Still keeping up with the lead
group. John Someones big hitters now reported to be eating up the road in large chunks.
Our driver, coach and mentor Bob repeated : This isnt a race guys. Those other boys are
specially selected and headed by the State Champion. Take it easy. Wait for them to catch
you. Use their strength to help you finish strong... Hmmm grrr...
We cruised thru Ouyen. To be fore ever known as Ooo Yen. Thanks for a new word on the map
of Victoria Leon.
The team still looking good.
PB, Cossie, Clive and Colin got on next, picked up the pack, notched up the speed and
started to wield the hammer... The Guns now 10 minutes behind...
The changeovers notched down to 25 km. And we started to get into the 37, 38 kmph zone.
Learning No 5 : Shorter legs mean faster speeds.
Lascelles knocked off, Hopetoun also history. Horsham now closer and the sun now losing
its strength.
John Someones Big Guns now no closer.
The changeovers were now very slick and we started to really motor. The Bandidos were now
clear of everyone. A lone pack of 3 to 4 riders charging towards the dusk.
Into the present tense we travelled...
We hammer through Warracknabean. Crowds now along the road to cheer our load group. We
feel like a Tour de France breakaway group and are now really pouring it on. Rotating
every 2 or 3 minutes. Trying to keep our speed at 38 and above.
The Big Someones Nobodies are locked out at 8 minutes. Reports of their cursing at their
inability to catch us are being recieved over the radio.
So its a race after all. Lets get it on boys !!
Its is now sunset and the sky trurns from orange to scarlet. We are alone with the only
the pace car as company.
We are now absolutely flat out and only one or two riders are able to last the full
stretch.
Shreiks of pain as cramp locked riders cant get off bikes at the end their stint.
But thats ok. We're cool. Its not a race, so its OK. Isnt it ?!?
The No No Nobodies are still 8 minutes away. We swoop through Horsham. More crowds. More
cheers. Alez Alez !!!
It is now dark and the hammerings continue. And now a new challege presents itself. We now
oberve 2 then three teams leapfrogging to the front.
Out of nowhere red blinking tailights are appearing like fireflies from the bush. More
like fairies actually.
Woesy little gate crashing pooftahs.
We brush them aside.
However one team remains persistent. It appears that some other teams, although unable to
match us for the duration have some big hitters.
So we hatch a plan.
Ricrado and El Scrib being seasoned racers start take turns surging off the front. Forcing
the chase. The Scribe waits tucked at the back awaiting the moment.
The surging continues for 20km and slowly the challenges fade. Now is the moment...
Waz sprints off the back and splits the pack with the main opposition in pursuit.
The gap is closed and the rather weary remaining opposition is asking why the hot pace.
To which the reply is "because we like riding like this".
One more sprint and they are blown out the back door.
Leon then chats them up, they loose concentration, feel the cramps coming on and they are
gone for good.
Ricardo rejoins Waz and we rotate until the end of the hour.
Hamilton is now 25 away and the last leg draws the remaining strong men. PB, Brooksie,
Colin and Phil are off.
The Big Nobodies are now apon us. In desperation they have flung their entire team in a
massive rotation to haul us in and now it is really on !!
The boys are now in full flight. There are bike and lights all over the road as the surges
start. The less fit are spat out the back. We look on in amazement from our vehicle as the
very hard yards are gained. Where is the end? Where is the sprint zone? Whats our plan?
Learning No 6 : If you havent done this race before, in the night, it is very difficult to
get there first. Steve looks over his shoulder. The Nobodies are forming a train with
their main rider at the back? Its like a Saeco Le Tour in The Dark. Le Noir Tour.
The Nobodies make their move on the last hill (unknownst to us) and a savage battle
ensures. Everyone gives it their last gasp and even the Steve the Sprinting Supremo gets
the wheel wobbling death rattle at his last reserves are tapped. We come a very close
second thanks to the man with mirrors for glasses. I have never seen PB and Steve look as
wasted as they were at the finish. These boys are giants to be sure.
Take that Nobodies, not bad for novices eh ?
(I must congratulate them for their ability and the fact that they played it straight
throughout the race !!!)
We shack up in a motel in Hamilton before midnight and riders continue to pour in until
3am that morning.
The next day was a very pleasant 85km to Port Fairy via Byaduk, Macarthur and Orford. A
take it easy tour of the picturesque coastal ranges.
We were mellow and in good humour and averaged acreditable 35.9kmph.
The pack worked well and we got the Yarabah fellas to The Moine in good shape (apart from
their inexperienced butts)
All in all, a well paced ride with the first day slowly gaining tempo and excitement,
followed by a day of beauty with jokes and wisecracks abounding.
THE PROTAGONISTS
Many bodies were laid on the line in the course of duty and many aflicted by strange
malladies and outpourings. Here are some of the few :
Ricardo
A great honour to have the Count Machiavelli out on a big tour. Pushing the pace and
boosting the Av VO2 Max.
Ricardo was the secret weapon of Team #1. We used him like a tool applying him at will to
break up attacks and reduce lesser riders to tears. I must admit I got a bit wet around
the eyes myself. Perhaps it was an insect. Or perhaps its Ricardo with his "hah I
spit upon you. You mere mortal. You are nurthing! Crawl back into your hole. And do not
come back unless I call"
Ricardos affliction of the ride was on leg No 3 when his superhuman strength seeemed to
fade and he became rather quiet and human like. Almost the pet mascot he was. After that
he came good and shrieks of terror could be heard at the head of the pack as he beat
pretenters around the head, neck and shoulders.
Stevie Wonder
An almost bottomless pit of talent is this man with the mirror glasses. I should call him
Cool Hand Luke but I already gave him a new name in the previous sentence. Wins the Team
Player award. Often observed at the back of the pack pushing Dave up the hills. We thought
encouragement by use of the index finger rather than the palm would exhort the hapless
Dave, but wonder boy kept it clean. Looked entirely huge, massive and overwhelming at the
sprint but was beaten something most closely approximating to a Ugandan Gorilla.
Also observed to be a man most proficient at using a mobile at all times on the ride. I
must try that one elbow on the knee whilst jamming the mobile into the earhole manoever.
Steve was afflicted by the death rattle close at the sprint. Disapointed that he didnt
expire in his effort to gain glory and similtaneously answer his mobile in the middle of
the final sprint, he also came good the next day and was outstanding in quips and jokes
thereafter.
El Scriborino
Our Mentor. The calm influence of El Scrib and his almost universal knowledge of all
things bike like kept us entertained both before, during and after the ride. We would be
driving through what looked like the Gobi Desert and Leon would remark "I raced
there. A sweet little road race back in 83" . Or we would pass through a town and he
would muse "They used to have a bitumen track that we raced on there when i was a
teenager" An encyclopaedia of history and experience.
Awesome on the road was El Scrib and kept Ricardo from killing me with his pace. So thanks
for that El Scrib.
Leons highest profile affliction was the rapid ejection of the creamed rice 35 minutes
into the third leg. Im glad to say i was ahead of him at that moment.
Cossie
Cossie was certainly one of the strong men on this ride. Hammered without tiring. Well
matched with PB and Colin. He looked relaxed and was full of chirp. When it comes to hard
yakka and punishment, Cossie is in his element.
No afflictions attended this man of steel.
Al Presidente
I am starting to feel that Al is a machochist. When form and top condition are most
urgently required The Pres seems to relish pouring barrels of ale into his bod. Failing
that, he will throw himself off the bike and damage numerous appendages. This trip was no
exeption. Al had gone bush on Big Cahoona training and arrived at the race totally
refreshed from a total lack of training. Suffered on the first and second legs. But like a
good red wine (that must constantly inhabit his body) he mysetriously came good and was
his old wise cracking self.
Nuggety Phil
Nuggetty was everywhere. Initiating. Organising. Cajopling. Reminding. He and Leon of
course were "The Ones Who Made It Happen" Without them there would have been no
show. Amazed us all with his new Tour De France enterprise. And then actually rode as
well. All the legs to boot.
Nuggety was a lather of sweat and suntan cream but otherwise unaflicted.
Clive Of India
The mystery man was again at his most mysterious. Often appearing ill at ease off the
bike, he would mount...poof !! ...and be gone!!!. Often seen smiling and whooping it up at
the head of the pack, the Pinnarello Man was certainly a sight to behold. Unaflicted in
any way. Unbelievabale !!
PB The Punisher
The Punisher rode around smiting at will. Was happiest when the pace was at its hottest.
Had to be carefully managed from becoming too bored. Its not easy when there are no big
mountains. Grampians? Where? You just rode over them PB. Oh. Bugger.
PB eventually lost patience with us on the second day and dotted out over the feilds of
green. He complained of being at the back of the pack when all the best jokes, capers and
sledges were in progress. I think the heat got him. I can imagine him seeing bottles of
Cascade sprinkled with ice and covered in condensation. With the pssshhht of the top
coming off and that lovely amber fluid pouring into a frosty glass and the waves breaking
over the Port Fairy beach. Too much for any superman to resist...
The Oracle
The oracle suffered a fit of galactic stupidity over the ride. Here are a few stellar
pearlers :
- lost his wallet about 2 hours into the trip
- flooded the motel bathroom, bedroom and hallway when he forgot how taps worked
- gashed his finger trying to get his (plastic) water bottle filled
- bruised his crutch on the crossbar in trying to get to a bushy loo in a hurry
- tried to ride off on a stage whilst still wearing his track shoes
- forgot to bring lights for his bike
- forgot to take food along for the final 75km
- blew trying to ride his bike with the brake on
- nearly fell off the bike on day two doing an emergency stop with one hand on the bars
(Im too embarrassed to continue...)
Ride was good.
Disability suffered was a some reflux after eating too much during a break - otherwise
good
Dennis
Dennis was one of your Yarrabah Virgins. Had taken ONE training ride. Looked very happy
and confident standing next his shining bike. Resplendent in lycra and his pointy cleated
shoes, surely anything was going to be possible....
We looked at him with sympathy. That poor body of his was about to endure a physical
pounding enprecedented.
He took the torture well. Chewed on rope to muffle his screams of pain and wisely sat out
the night rides.
Denis affliction of the ride was, well, there was the neuromusculoskeletal system outage,
the digestive ruptures and the endocrine surges...
Ummm, i should summarise this as his whole body really. Which rose up as one and demanded
that he fall down until it had trained itself properly.
Dennis, I must admit, for a non cyclist, is a man well endowed with leg speed and he
became a veritable egg beater on the bike.
And as for those lycra pants on day 2. Aloha Hawaai with a dash of nachos from Mexico. Hee
hah Ariba Dennis !!
Dave
Most impressive rider on the M2M. No doubt. Had laid down some training so was not totally
jelly like. I thought he would last 3 rides and then would be a full stop. Like that.
Boy was I wrong. Davey rode all the legs. Thanks to Stevie Wonder (Onga helping Davey,
doesnt make sense?!?), did not fall off the back. He is definitely made of the right stuff
this fellow. If he trained he would be a demon.
Affliction of the ride was the legs : without cleats those quads must have been in agony
Colin
I wasnt quite sure who or what Colin was. Understood to be the ring in. Had the right type
of legs. Shaven too. So all that was good.
Leons old, and our new mate was solid as a rock. Did not crumble under pressure. Did not
weep when squeezed. Remained 3 dimensional under the blow torch.
Suffered no disabilities and showed no weakness during the trip.
If we can get the boy a pair of Bandit top n togs, we'll be laughing.
COMMENT OF THE DAY
Heard from the St Kilda boys at the Yacht Club, regarding a colleage who got well and
truly done over on the ride:
"We thought we'd leave him out there for another hour to work on his sun tan"
THE FACILITIES
The facilities and support were absolutely outstanding and the best ever.
The tops are really top drawer. Many thanks Leon and Phil.
Bob was outstanding as our leader, driver, sage, bike stager and tactician.
Judith oustanding organising food and beverage and being cheerful under huge pressure
during the journey
Judy, also fantastic as above and giga thanks for looking after my bike
Maggie kept us entertained by performing many of the above roles as well as massuese, and
queen of the inebriation sprints.
Dave Lean who helped the birth of this ride and especially for his lift back home in
Holden luxury.
Pauline Musgrave for all her support and generosity.
THE POST RIDE WRAP UP
The wrap up was conducted at the Port Fairy Yacht club. A few of us gay boys managed to
procure the female showers and play some find the soap bar. I must admit the ladies were
somewhat pertrurbed to find us there but we took them in our stride.
A few anaethetising beers were chased down by a sumptious steak and salad lunch with a
glorious fruit salad. And the refreshed with more ale for balance.
GUEST RIDERS AND CELEBRITIES
The All Trails Macdonalds wre spotted along with others from The Challenge.
There were famous others but names escape me.
Lance wasnt there.
the end….
For the Bandits Mega site :
http://www.baysidebandidos.com
Click on the images below…(they will be added to later)
|
