001 Drummer
To reach a hill-top quick seems to be a life motto of many, who aspire to be successful at young age. Amid the bustling crossroads in Central, one easily moves on involuntarily as the majority are in desperate haste to move on and on. Yesterday, moew was telling me yesterday the stress (be it illusionary or not) from people who believe she needs to hurry her thesis. Being a little water-drop in the waves of the sea, one does not seem have the sense of pace one desires.
Last night, before bed, a little article came under my eyelids. Now, I am quoting to share with you, in particular with meow.
"Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." -- by Henry David Thoreau.
Keeping up with the Jones is so damn tiring. Perhaps everyone of us does have a drummer and all we need to do is to follow the rhythms that fit our heart most. Waltz comfortably according to the bits of yours.
Churches often seem to be tornadoes to me. They suck you in and keeps you spiraling up, if you would let yourself in totally.
Last night, I dinned with some of the classmates at the evening courses. As usual, the chatty duck asked a stream of questions.
Being someone who has only believed in Christ for half a year, I told the rest of classmates (most of them having been Christian for decades) that church is really a weird entity.
Most of them laughed, and some smiled.
I sat there asking and hearing a lot of different things about different churches. And my feeling is that churches are like tornadoes, once you got suck in, you involuntarily spin around it. Sometimes you even lose sense of why you are spinning around there.
Skeptical as I have always been, I do question a lot -- what matters in church life indeed?
I don't know if my brothers and sisters at church notice, I timidly step in slightly with my toes lest the tornado will drift me in before I have figured out why I have to be there.
What matters really?
003 食色性也When all distractions are moved--no friends, no entertainment, no books, no plan, no appointments, no a particular thing that must be done--a person will expose to the very basic cravings--food and sex. I read that trappists who begin monastery life often claim that when they have less to do, the cravings become stronger.
食色性也--seems quite universally applicable.
004 EasterEaster holidays welcome me with a lot of work to do.
Oh man, hope the students won't give me too much hard times.
005 Potter
It's a poem I read this morning.
I watched the wheel turn.
Then the clay was applied
For the clay took shape
He added some here
For the image before me
I wept for the Potter
The pedal pumped steadily.
The eyes so intent,
the hand so ready.
as the wheel span and span.
And then it happened
in the Potters dear hands.
as it went round and round
and the Potters hands
they went up and down.
and there took away
and when He was done
what could I say.
was who I should be.
for the dirt on His hands.
If only I would listen
and begin again.
在掙扎中要懂歇手
在掙扎中要懂歇手
今天跑到貓的辦公室放下一塊巧克力,貓看出鴨子如釋重負的傻樣.
苦惱了一陣子,去或留,行紅線心切,但選擇了平安;準備好才上線,畢竟紅線是危險的,做事要勁,亦要信心.學習歇手比爭取更難;由衷的歇手;平安的歇手。
貓說過窮孩子的心理;鴨子裡的窮孩子最怕給人家看扁-所以鴨子許多年頭都不斷爭.小學時代一天幫別的孩子做作業;看書要比人快,要比人多;學校要唸兩個A-levels主科,我堅持要唸三個;大學要唸兩個主修科;要出國要出報紙;差點出了命.
掙扎的不主要是錢,而是與窮小鴨掙扎;問清楚牠為什麼要唸,不斷爭的日子是消人意志.我不想為心中的窮小鴨而活,長大了要與自己和好,人家看方看圚看扁不應是走人生路的燈塔罷了.
鴨子在高山上舉了白旗,要與那方的鴨子修和.
好好接納自己.
在抱怨中看到恩典
抱怨的心情下,看什麼都不如意.姐姐今天說:因你是我的妹妹,所以我便支持你.
愛就是如此簡單.
謝謝姐姐無私的愛,謝謝貓的明白,謝謝乍與小肥的鼓勵,謝謝袋鼠當頭棒喝,謝謝搬勞由衷的支持,謝謝新奇士耐心的聆聽和關切.
謝謝神給我機會去學習.
在混亂中去蕪存菁
去蕪存菁不容易;路上蕪實在多,耐心去追求適合自己的菁像很吃力.
我不要放棄,我要一直的寫.
我不要怕,我要慢慢拾起信心,放在沙灘盤中.
路上最大的敵人是自己,化敵為友是唯一的方法.
在離去中回到家來
家不在那兒,就在心裡;在住在心裡的父中.
溫市詩人John Donlan說, "How seldom we want to be completely here."
To be completely here, not there, not anywhere, is a lesson to learn.
"Papa and mama, when are we leaving!?" her little agitated sweet voice pierced through the ceiling of the dining room. "Darling, soon, just wait until mama has finished packing, " her mother answered from the bedroom upstairs where she was feeding the little brother of Vanessa.
"Sweetie, let's have breakfast first," her dad smiled, kissing the rosy cheek of the little girl. "It's too early, the zoo is not open yet."
It's just another Saturday.
We tend to think that the week ends on Sunday and begins on Monday. No. The week begins on Sunday indeed. The seventh day of the week, the day to rest, is supposed to be Saturday. Saturday, the resting of the week is the restless day for the angel.
It's not just another Saturday to the little 3-year-old with a long ponytail caressing gently the back of her pinkish dress. It's a day to the zoo, a place where casts an attraction beyond our understanding to little souls who grow unnaturally close to animals.
The Sunday was shining unceasingly-- sweats streaming down the back of the mother who's pushing the pram for the little brother. The daddy and the little girl watched together while looking at the map of the zoo.
"I want to go to see this and that and this and that and this and that," she cheerfully shouted while using her chubby index finger pointing to every little location in which a sign of animal was shown--virtually all over the zoo.
"Sure," he replied, smiling broadly.
CHIMPANZEE
"Look Daddy," Vanessa pointed towards the chimpanzees. The girl requested to have herself put on the shoulders of her daddy, so that she could have a better view of the chimps.
The chimps looked at the daddy with the little girl on his shoulders beyond the cage.
"Look, look at that dude, " Chimp One told Chimp Two. "Oh, the girl is pretty, isn't she?" Chimp Two replied. "Yes, the dude is a lucky guy." -To Be Continued-
It's not quite April, but I am already pretty drained. I just want to get out of the rat race.
Father,
God knows how tiring it's to struggle with oneself. Sometimes I sit down and try to find out why I have to try so hard, only to no avail.
They said being a Christian means sending the burdens to You because your york is light. Silly I am, taking more on my shoulders. Things relevant or irrelevant. Could you please take some out of my little backpack? My friends often laugh at me because I carry a backpack with lots. I want to hand it to you, you know.
For some days I sat quietly at the balcony, not knowing what more to pray for.
You don't mind reading, I hope.
My spoken words are few and dull; yet you kindly offer me a brilliant hand to muster words together.
Dad, it's a nice dinner with my sister tonight. She's surprised upon hearing that I choose to turn down the offers from graduate school. Confident, she said: If you can go for a year, just go for a year.
Dad, I thank you for sending me a supportive sister like such.
Last night, I could hardly sleep, only to use books to keep myself in focus. Five hours straight, I finished Rich Dad Poor Dad, A Brief History of Time (a reader's companion) together with the last few chapters of the book of Job.
No matter how I dislike the idea of the Robert, I managed to finish Rich Dad Poor Dad. The guy really knows how to sell.
Hawking, having discovered that he's got ALS disease in his final years at Cambridge graduate school, which would give him an estimation of a life duration of two and a half years, said it was his marriage to his wife, that kept him moving on.
Viktor Frankl has reiterated many times, one needs a mission to substain oneself. With a clear mission in life, whatever obstacles he can confront and endure.
I sat quietly and asked myself softly--what the heck do I want from it? A train of ideas arrived and sirened: new experience? a qualification? an unfinished dream? a calling? a desire to taste the US life? an examination or test to see if counseling fits? a challenge to myself? a proof of something or some sort.
I searched, like little kids searching nice seashells on a beach. I picked one up, put it in my little bucket; picked another, put inside as well; picked three; picked four; and picked a bucketful.
Seashells.
Am I being too demanding?
Can one just go because one just wants to go?
The process of growing up comes unexpectedly.
All transformation takes some kind of pain and adjustment.
The first growing up process came with the first menstrual pain. I was only 12. No one, neither teachers nor parents nor classmates, has warned me. Frightened, I was hiding myself in the washroom. Only much later did my sister arrive and explain things clearly to me.
Does growing always come as such, so unexpectedly?
Or, are they deep-ridden fears that one has not faced bravely in the past? They come and go.
For many times, whenever I faced a decision, my guts and emotions overshadow a logical mind. I bumped into a place to another; a person to another. Some I don't regret; some I still don't feel very easy.
I spend a few days looking at the little Dora inside me, wondering what this little Dora of the past is doing to me now. Why should I live for the past, I wonder? When will I feel totally incongruent with myself?
I look at Dora, the one struggling endlessly to prove to someone for something. I look at her and smile at this little girl.
Why am I climbing? To prove to others that I am not what they think?
Where is the sense of peace and serenity? In exile, somewhere?
Dora lives a few inches away from Dora. A few miles?
I told him last night, "You know, all I am learning is to be being in where I am being. Just to be where I am wherever I am instead of living for somewhere else.
He gently replied,"Dora, you are getting old."
Hahaha, yes.
Accept myself as myself. It's not because of circumstances that are putting me into a pigeonholes. It's a true acceptance of who I am that I am trying to search for.
Wanted, a 25-year-old Chinese girl, Dora, Last seen somewhere in the Universe. Anyone who knows where she is, please contact Dora.
The greatest plight in life is to have one soul living away from oneself.
I will be back, you know. The girl with confidence is still there. She's not giving up or in. She's simply learning to grow.
Cacoon is a movie isn't it?
The most scary part of living is when one realizes one's mistake, and one has the mistake stabbing at the heart over and over again.
To learn to stop is not easy, especially to someone so silly.
Father, do you know what's in my heart?
I impatiently skimmed through the advice Job's three friends have given them. They are draining Job as well as me.
You said to Job no one would have the ability to change your plan.
I feel a little relieved.
Sometimes I wish so hard to see ahead of time, all I see is emptiness.
At times I shout and wonder where you are. Where you are indeed?
It's the time of change. The time of change. April is the time of change. And I am growing out of the cacoon soon. The process is painful. But what needs to be done needs to done. Period.
03.25.2002 秘密中
深宵中
獨個兒
爬格子
我想念
你你你
Before students started streaming in, I was sitting at the desk of 4B classroom, on which two assignment books were put.
Out of boredom, and in fact bossy curiosity, I flipped over one--a simple journal entry, you know, the kind we used to write to our language teachers once a week in secondary school.
The first few entries seemed quite general. The girl wrote about 911 attack, about student suicides, about things happening in those days. At the end of each entry, the teacher wrote some comments, like "Do you know that lots of people are losing job now?" "Do you know the terrorist attack was initiated by Muslim?" "Don't play too many games."
There's one entry as follows:
"6 March, 2002.
I felt so bored. Nothing special has happened, except that we have changed seats. Now I cannot sit with my friends.
I went to a grocery store to buy food."
The teacher commented as follows:
"No mindset at all. What kind of journal writing is it?"
Instantly, I think teachers as such should be locked up in an institute honestly. They would be too harmful to students and society.
002 An Islamic IndianChatting cautiously online with an Islamic Indian, I told him I almost wanted to free from hangs-up, and stop fighting for my plan.
He said anxiously, "no no Dora, pray to God and He would help."
At an instant, I felt a little warm and a little strange.
Warm is because I know God's my shelter, always. He reminds me that I need to pray.
Strange because I don't know if he's suggesting me to pray to my God, or his God; or I even wonder if my God's so different from his.
I know, as a Christian, I should not ask such questions.
Oh Bother, said the Pooh.
I know my Faith. Yet, sometimes I question if the God in the OT, the one which the Jews believed is the same as the one I believe.
Are they believing in the same God I believe, despite they don't believe in Christ?
Even more strange is that the Jews, the Christian and the Muslim all read the OT. Do we all perceive the God in OT among us differently?
God, you are probably angry at me from above questions that I should not dare to say.
I know I know. Christ ma.
John 14:6: Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
003 TrustWhat's the difference between truthful trust and blind trust? So hard to tell, so easy to fake. The line is hard to draw. Or I am fooling myself sometimes
004 Love is disarmamentLove is a total disarmament--leaving your weapons and exposing your vulnerability to others.
A harsh word, a selfish request, a past bad memory--could be the weapons we use to hurt others.
Exposing our utmost vulnerable self is even more difficult than not hurting others. But real love calls upon us to leave our weapons and meet others with our nakedness.
I wish one day I can disarm and sleep sweetly.
005 My Little Coin
Father,
I have one coin in hand, holding tight like a mad woman.
Once, twice, thrice, and thousand times, I said I would give it to you.
But not for a milli-second would I open my palm.
The coin almost cuts into my fresh; I don't know why I am still grabbing it like mad.
You stand there, with so many gifts in hand, waiting for me to let go of the little coin. I stubbornly kept my hands close refusing your kind offer.
You stand there still patiently, smiling at this stubborn child.
Sometimes I thought, why didn't you ask a few robust guys to get me, and force open my hands.
You give me freedom, even it pains you at times to see your child being hurt. You wish I acquire transformation from the core of my heart. You hope that I will open the hand gently and voluntarily.
For some time, I went numb in my prayers.
I sat and sat. I tried to say things, but I knew they weren't things from heart.
I choose to be silent wishing you'd hear me from inside.
For some time, I thought I put my trust on you. These days I found out my trust was so fake. I lie to myself, and to You.
One day, I would come to you. With my heart totally torn by struggles, with my ankle kneeling to the floor, with tears streaming down my cheeks, that one day, I would come to you and open my hand.
Father, your child knows the direction, yet she keeps bumping into the wall unceasingly.
Sometimes I am mute, just because I have too much to say. Love you Lord. Amen.
006 StrangerA stranger who has been through my hp words and came to chat with me.
He asked me for photo. I said no photo. He said you must be pretty. I said I am just ordinary.
"Pretty not only tell from outside," he said.
I could be very rotten inside, you know? Hahaha.
03.22.02白欖樹
園丁叔叔努力將落葉掃走,我停下腳步,跟他寒喧。
『幹什麼春天的落葉比秋天更多?』我問。叔叔指著一株高高的樹說: 『看那白欖樹! 葉都是從那兒掉下來的。』
我再問: 『白欖是吃得的欖嗎?』他笑著說: 『當然! 等待夏天時白欖熟了,我叫你下來拾拾吃。』
如果園丁叔叔種的是維他麥精樹、鮭魚樹、燕麥片樹、馬拉糕樹、牛奶樹、菠蘿包樹......多好。叔叔會說: 『等待麥精鮭魚燕麥片馬拉糕牛奶菠蘿包熟後掉下來了,我叫你來吃。』哈哈!
哎呀! 那惱人的新奇士孩子定必告誡我了。
老人精
童年時的玩具很少,故常走到鄰家孩子May家中"痴"她的玩具。May一家是電視痴,可以目不轉睛地看數小時電視; 我便可以肆無忌憚地蹂躪她的玩具。
玩膩了,便到人家的廚房看她外婆弄的福建菜,看她祖母弄西菜; 兩位姥姥總給我耐性,讓我的小手在粉團、肉團或薯蓉團中揉。十歲的老人精學了新菜後,回家便嘍囉媽媽要依樣畫葫蘆。
不然的話,看到May媽媽為孩子縫製布袋公仔,我回家亦要弄一隻。別人衣車密密縫; 我手中密密縫,第一隻製成品是用勞工手套做的白兔,白兔肚子裡的綿花不夠(是偷偷在媽媽不為意的時間弄開枕頭而偷走的幾根綿花),故像飢荒或瑪花纖體下的白兔。
我卻不害羞地將纖體白兔給May媽媽看,心裡覺得自己做的比人家飄亮。
老人精的童年一點不童。
新奇士
新奇士孩子與小龍哥是校友。
新奇士孩子與小龍哥皆習詠春。
一回我問新奇士: 『你會詠春,小龍會詠春,為什麼你不像小龍般出色。』
新奇士笑笑回答: 『因為我不是李小龍嗎。』
一語中的。
這星期,不約而同收到三個朋友的電話,都是因感情問題弄得不快; 不約而同地各人說的問題都如出一轍:
各人都覺得伴侶不夠關心,不肯肯首計劃,不肯付出。
或許他們找錯對象談了,鴨子戀愛經驗不多。看著人家頭踫牆子,卻還看不到牆。各人心裡根本知道問題和解決方法,要踫牆子是自己的選擇。
他達不到你的要求,不能給予承諾,付出不滿足--因他不是你。你也不是他。
愛別人不因為他是他,最好別要說愛。
要東要西的是三歲孩子的性子,踫了牆子還問什麼是牆子?
要走出死胡同,只有一個方向罷了。
03.21.02 Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to enter. 001
The balcony of my room is facing Tolo highway, with KCR and vehicles meandering it every minute.
This morning at six, I tried to sit there and closed my eyes, voiding myself of words and visual experiences. Just concentrated on listening.
And I found--amid the noisy highway, I could hear the morning birds, the early breeze, the budding morning; I could also sense the early morning sun beams caressing gently on my face as well as the light penetrating my closed eyes; I could smell the ocean, the trees, and the fresh air.
When we concentrate and be silent, we can get through a lot of things.
No one can force anyone. We aren't supposed to do that anyway. But simulations, I think, are good to people.
I don't know Darwinism indeed, honestly. Yet, if you think that Genesis is impossible, just try to explain why it cannot be true?
Try to answer this question.
This question is more difficult to verify, than the validity of Darwinism.
People interested in Genesis or Evolution can take a look @ http://www.answersingenesis.org/intro.asp
Don't just read what I suggest, open your eyes and expose yourself to more information. Never cease your search. Don't mummify your brain too quick.
For some time, I question if I should talk too many spiritual things here in my hp lest I should scare away readers.
Later I thought--damn it! If I can't even speak out because I get hangs up from people's reaction, I may as well not to write.
Self-censorship is suffocating.
It's your freedom to come and read, as well as freedom to leave and look for other more appealing words. Being pretentious to please others is just not what the duck could stand.
This morning, my roommate said, "Dora, your hair grows real fast!" It's not the first time she said that. Given she sees me on a daily basis, I guess my hair does grow fast.
"Jiwai," I said, "I wash my hair everyday and I swim ma."
She went, "Ha, like flowers, your hair is like flowers, they grow fast with lots of water."
"One more thing," I continued, "You heard of the Chinese proverb--揠苗助長?" That's what I do to my hair--I bundle it into a pony tail, making it grow fast.
"Ha ha ha," she laughed.
I think I am very grateful to be given the chance to live in that dormitory. It gives me a great experience mingling with mainlanders and a lot of stimulating conversations.
Spiritual books always say being submissive to God's words is good.
Yet, sometimes I find it more enjoying to wrestle with Him. I know I will never win, but the wrestling makes me more willing to give in at final last.
Just like the way Jacob wrestled with the angel.
Mum knows me well. She knows as a little gal, her daughter wrestled with her on everything.
Sometimes, I will get quite burned out. Wrestling tires down people, sometimes.
Fox wrote: 到底,聖經是一部文學作品,邏輯上用理知去分析每句每字,結果是枉然的。
I can't agree with it indeed. The writing style may be literary; yet, for me, it's not a literature, not a history, not a bed-time story, not a problem-solving menu.
We can regard it as whatever it's -- subjected that we mention it's our way of interpretation. For me, the Bible is just God's words. Nothing more, nothing less.
Our interpretations, no matter how strong we stick to the historic-grammatical approach to tear down the Bible and read them, are bound to be quite different.
That is always what makes The Book so interesting.
But it's true that I want to learn Latin, given I could squeeze out some time.
Madison Madison.
Without funding, I will not make it.
Damn it.
Give in the idea of holding things tight.
He is the boss, I would just listen to Him.
泥土
那年冬天,住在丹麥日克蘭半島(Jutland)中部小鎮Silkeborg中的森林中的一間兩層的屋子裡。
哥哥(host brother)名叫Mads,人如其名,他最愛的是我受不了的重金屬樂隊Metallica、Rum酒和家中的黑色Labrador。父母(host parents)是典型的北歐人,愛嘮嘮叨叨,愛親熱。
丹麥沒有藍罐曲奇,卻有全球最高的薪俸稅率--高達百分之六十。
要找共產主義或社會主義的國家不是到北韓、中國或古巴,而是到北歐的丹麥、挪威、瑞典等小國。
富有的不會很富,窮的窮不到那裡去。薪水都流到政府的田中與人家共享--免費的中、小、大學教育; 免費的醫療(包括牙科); 高失業、退休 、傷殘資助; 十八歲起,政府按月給與約港幣二千元的零用錢,鼓勵青年人離家,學習獨立。還有一樣有趣的福利便是政府安排了很多免費的晚間課程,給人們自由報讀。
大雪紛紛的許多晚上,我都學陶瓷去了。
學生三數,材質任用,老師是五十歲左右的丹麥人。我的丹麥文不管用,很多陶學的用詞都不會,只有看幾多學幾多; 但老師倒十分有耐性,任我去試,去模,去犯錯。
我緩慢吃力地用腳推動轉盤,把泥扣在盤子上 ,濕潤了雙手,慢慢在泥中開了洞,耐心的層層向外拉。弄歪了,泥亂成一團。抖擻起來,再吃力地推動轉盤、向外拉、再做,到滿意時便停下。
這只是起步,模好了的泥要放數天,乾後便放進1200F--2000F不等的高溫中燒。
沒有經過高溫燒過的泥不會堅硬起來,成不了陶瓷。不只是一次,是多次的燒。要著色嗎? 著色後再燒。要有光面嗎? 搽上光劑後再燒。
一個簡單的碟子,動輒便是數月的工作。
想起當年做陶瓷的情景,令我反省了某些事宜。這幾天情緒都不大好,煩惱的是唸書的問題。祈禱的時候或會說不出話來,心裡其實很清楚--是要平靜地走回父前,要順服。
慢慢才明白,衪叫我放開的不是物質,是我橫梗的心; 衪要我做泥,給衪這匠去模。
以 賽 亞 書 Isaiah64:8:
做陶瓷叫我明白:
1) 我只是泥。不放不放還是要放手--由你去模。
...
早前亞乍寫: 『『原來現在還有人不相信進化論!』友人一臉難以置信的告訴我,他的朋友竟然不相信進化論。』
我看書有限,不能中肯地評進化論。驟耳聽來,進化論總比泥土阿當和肋骨夏娃合"邏輯"。
但創世記的解讀是要依字直解(read it literally),還是以意解(read it metaphorically),是可議的--古今中外的人看聖經就有分歧。 我看創世記時,覺得最中心的是Genesis 2:7:
耶和華 神用地上的塵土造人、將生氣吹在他鼻孔裡、他就成了有靈的活人、名叫亞當。 我驚覺的是因我意識到我只是被造物; 當我們承認自己是被造物,才會放下用人的"邏輯"去解釋。
身為製成品的我根本沒有辦法去解釋泥土做人的"不合邏輯"。如果我們可以完成明白--我們會是神--正如很多新時代思想家所言(New Age Thinkers)。
我則疑進化論是因為說進化論的達爾文臨終前都不可自完其說,臨死前不得不承認有神。
曾經我被科學書的那從--猿猴一步步化作Homo Erectus一步步到化作Homo Sapiens的圖像吸引過去,可惜的是相信進化論的人很少真正找過達爾文的文章去看,相信進化論的人總給猿猴進化圖像吸引過去,對進化論的背景、 本意和爭論卻沒深究。
我的猿猴人圖像是給醫生朋友打破的,尚科學的醫生朋友跟我談了不少進化論的矛盾,叫我不得不去圖書館找找進化論的東西去看。
答案像不著邊際,但越來越明白人的有限,全知者的角色擔負不上。
泥還是泥。 信就是信。
談到泥,想起許志安的歌<爛泥>。我不討厭他的歌,卻實在對歌詞"聽不過耳",覺得幹嗎做人做到沒半點Dignity!
願可做你 腳下那堆爛泥
爛泥的男孩子我一點都看不起,活著為滋潤愛人而成一"Pat"爛泥 ,捨己嗎? 還是沒有自處能力罷了!! 基本自愛的人也不會的爛泥很可悲。
今天看到別人說:『然而,我相信,只要是導人向善的,就是好的宗教了。』
好的宗教...?!
There is a difference between Religion (宗教) and Faith (信仰), I believe.
Most religions, as many people claim, are good religions as long as they make better people. But I think we cannot let go of "truth".
Religion is an entity we create, we human beings create.
Yet, Faith comes down to a very personal level--between the believer and the believed. It's not mud that clings on a plant; it's not a bunch of people that clings to a church on Sunday. Faith is just between you and Him.
03.19.02
The lunch topic this afternoon among the duck, the meow and the mouse was on raising kids. None of us indeed qualifies to comment.
Yet we were babbling--meow said that she'd rather take kids to Ocean Park instead of asking them to do homework; mouse said she'd give the kids lots of freedom.
Mothers (including my mum) always say to me: when you were a mum, you would take back your words and do otherwise, just like us.
Would I? I wonder.
I went to the library this morning, and got a few books on biblical stories, stories that I would like use to brain-wash my nephew when going home on Sunday. For my other P.4 student, I have got the children series of Shakespeare, and she'd have to play the three sisters in King Lear, and I'd of course be Lear (ha ha ha!).
I admire parents who genuinely care for their kids. Yet, they always end up killing the best possession of the little genius -- curiosity, initiatives, weird thoughts, gutsy mind, creative genes--long before they notice their mistakes.
It's easy to make a kid: it only takes a man and woman fight passionately in bed and an extra ten months for the woman to bear in the womb. Raising one is another matter.
The ten memos below are from Kangaroo, who always shared much with me about child-raising, despite I may never have one. If you're parents, or are to be one, or you happen to teach little kids or you simple love them, take a quick look:
1. DON'T SPOIL ME. I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I'm only testing you.
I once told a partner. This list does not work for kid and it works for me too--don't spoil me, don't nag, don't correct me in front of others, and I need lots of understandings, and not to mention -- LOVE! (hehe, I am quite easily pleased, like little kids).
One day if such a gift were to be dropped down from Heaven, I would make sure that the little folk would love Him a lot more than I do.
耶和華阿、現在你仍是我們的父.我們是泥、你是匠.我們都是你手的工作。
2) 泥要柔軟才可以被塑造,不肯順服的心常誤了事。
3) 泥或許有時配合不了匠,亂成一團; 但這總不會礙了匠的計劃,只要泥沒有硬成一團,匠總有法子和性子去慢慢塑造。
4) 沒有經過高溫燒過,成不了陶瓷。沒有壓力和困難,人也不可以堅強起來。高溫是免不了的步驟。
5) 製成品怎樣,要依靠製作人的手藝; 怎美陶瓷最後都歸回土裡,等候製作人的再臨。
來守護你 我未理身上那污穢
別輕視我 縱是這種爛泥
能滋潤你 耗盡每分讓你豔壓一切
2. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE FIRM WITH ME. I prefer it; it makes me fell more secure.
3. DON'T LET ME FORM BAD HABITS. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.
4. DON'T CORRECT ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, IF YOU CAN HELP IT. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
5. DON'T PROTECT ME FROM CONSEQUENCES. I need to learn the painful way, sometimes.
6. DON'T NAG. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
7. DON'T FORGET THAT I CANNOT EXPLAIN MYSELF AS WELL AS I SHOULD LIKE. This is why I am not always very accurate.
8. DON'T BE INCONSISTENT. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
9. DON'T PUT ME OFF WHEN I ASK QUESTIONS. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek information elsewhere.
10. DON'T FORGET THAT I CAN'T THRIVE WITHOUT LOTS OF UNDERSTANDING, LOVE BUT I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU, DO I ?
母難日
母難日
今生今世
我最忘情的哭聲有兩次
一次在我生命的開始
一次在妳生命的告終
第一次我不會記得是聽妳說的
第二次妳不會曉得我說也沒用
但兩次哭聲的中間啊
有無窮無盡的笑聲
一遍一遍又一遍
迴盪了整整三十年
妳都曉得我都記得
001
I spent some time this morning in the balcony. I just looked at the trees, the ocean and a handful boats, against the misty mountains in the background.
I ate an orange. Unpalatably sweet, it is.
003
Susan said when she read the article about my mum in office over and over again; she almost cried. I don't expect that my writings would carry weight.
004
I don't why I am frigtened, I know my way around here.
005 Canadian Prime Minister Mackenzie King says, "If some countries have too much history, we have too much geography."
006 安安靜靜坐在海邊
天空很大看不清楚
001 Abyssal Depth
I don't always admire doctors; yet, doctors who work with sincerity, I do admire, just like the way I admire a gardener to trim a tree faithfully and delicately.
Shiuto, I am not familiar with the medical profession; however, I do sense your real passion in the bustles of hospital. Keep it up.
We really don't need to be big at all; like what you say, by being a "little potato" who works in his/her arena with passion, things will turn out nice. A police does well as a police; a cook makes good dishes; a swimmer races with his strength--that's what we need in life: to find the field we aspire to be in, and do what's to be done.
Yazi is only a part-time teacher, who enjoy the process of teaching very much. Teaching is a career I began to ponder upon since Form One, under the influence of a geography teacher. When I first graduated, my former teacher, as well as a good friend, entrusted his school reputation and students to a newly-graduate duck with zero teaching experience.
Teaching is both a wench and an enjoyment. Pressure sets in oftentimes because I demand myself a lot when I come to face my students. My maternal hormones, perhaps. I easily come to love my students. However enjoyable the work seems to be oftentimes, I notice I refuse to suffocate in the stifled teaching arena in Hong Kong school. I am no crusader, and don't think I could break the system.
And I choose to teach in private setting or tutor in local schools as unofficial teachers. Things seem more free. The duck does not fly; but she can at least open her wings at times, instead of being forced into the pigeonholes, like piles of workbooks stuck there.
You mentioned about Rehab work you have to follow up sometimes as a doctor. Yes. Every profession entails more than one can imagine. I guess whatever field one's in, when one really believes in giving, s/he finds that the work involves such an abyssal depth that one can hardly reach. A cook not only knows how to make dishes, but also caters for all the artistic presentation, the cultural preferences of individual customers, the kind of wines go well with what dishes, the temperature of the plate being served...
That's why I admire people who give a heart to what they do, whatever it is.
Rehab counseling is a field I will, hopefully, be in in near future. Were you in the U.S. you might get little help from those chatterboxes who shoulder your rebah work for AIDS patients and other terminally ills, chatterboxes in the enclave of Rehab counseling--the vocation that I am to dive in.
Thanks for your warm words. I try, at best, to give true heart. Be pretentious is something I find disgusting.
002 An Untold Story
Book title: An Untold Story.
Content: Once upon a time. Finished.
I was joking with him last night. Yes, the ever-lasting conversations again.
When I become famous like Kafka, I would have this book published. Only one line: Once upon a time. Finished.
As such, over ten Ph.D. candidates in Ivy-Leagues would do a thesis on this book... trying to dig out the symbolism of the line, the images, the empty pages...
I would be awarded a Nobel Literature Prize later on for this untold story is carrying a suppressed political outrage that to be articulated.
You may say, dream on, silly duck.
Hahaha, I will, of course.
What's idiot and what's genius is only a fine-line apart, a matter of -- 天時地利人和
The Department Head called at 10:30p.m. sharp from Penn State.
The atmosphere was neither relaxing nor anxious. He raised couple of expected questions. I threw out a few similarly expected answers.
I was not impressive at all; yet not too bad. At least, they said they would let me into the program.
Only a few questions remain in my mind:
He: Do you know anyone in Penn State?
I: No.
This is not a question that worths much pondering. It, nonetheless, reiterates in heart because it resonates as--Dora, are you ready to meet people from scratch again? You know no one there? Leaving friends and family again, again, and this time again?
He: I will be in sabbatical next year; we will assign another advisor for you. Oh, you know what a sabbatical is, right?
I: Yes, I do.
Well, in heart, the real thought came out was... of course, I knew, sabbatical means you guys get paid for doing nothing. Oh man, thanks God that I did not let my subconscious verbal devil come out.
Strange to me, I don't feel strongly excited.
I recalled what Nouwen once said, "I know I have to jump the cliff, either swim or drown."
Swim or drown.
I hope my swimming skills will be enough. Honestly, the ocean is so vast and deep, I don't know how well I will maneuver.
Kangaroo said he's 110 percent confident in me.
Sometimes I feel recharged; sometimes scared by him, better say, his enthusiasm.
005 He brushes his teeth
He's a meter tall, almost fouryears old.
He takes a little stool, standing in front of the tub.
With his chubby short fingers, he holds the tooth brush with the right hand, and squeezes the strawberry-favored tooth paste with his left on the brush.
Alone in the washroom, he brushes his teeth. The 4-year-old does not know that his little auntie is looking at him with fascination.
He's very cute when he does not punches me with his fist.
006 Books
I will work on a few books I have in mind.
03.1.02 Faith Afterall Is Faith
I have dropped by Ja's hp, and read some of the questions she raised on Faith.
To some, I seem, clearly, to be someone with strong Faith in Christ.
Yet I do have a lot of questions that I have struggled. am struggling and will struggle through. More than you may imagine. I, however, believe--if He's the answer, it's okay to question.
In years of study at both Anglican school and Catholic school, I refused to pray during morning assemblies. My class ministress asked me to but I would just not heed her. Why should I pray for something I did not believe in. Rebellious like most youngsters, I was.
Faith is Faith.
Even you say it's a little blind. Yet, it's in a way. If we want to see things too clearly and completely, all we see is mysteries. We will never know the whole picture because we are just human beings.
03.15.02 把鋼琴送給大西洋
昨晚,發了一個奇怪的夢。一會兒,我才告訴您那是什麼的夢; 但夢境叫我想起巴西作家Anibal Machado的短篇--<<鋼琴>>。
多年前看了西西的<<像我這樣的一個讀者>>,便開始迷上了南美的作品。<<鋼琴>>說的是一對老夫婦很想出讓古老的鋼琴,來看琴的人都不很不上眼,夫婦決定不再出讓他們認為全巴西最好的鋼琴。打算送給人家,卻無人問津。
最後找到收留之所,運送期間卻出了岔子,古老的鋼琴被迫放在路旁過夜。那夜,雨滴聲叫老夫婦十分不安,老頭子做了一個夢,看見雨水將鋼琴浮起,鋼琴自己奏出喪禮進行曲,一直朝大西洋流去。
故事很簡單,但我想這會是個很好改篇電影劇本。
說回我的夢,夢中的我坐在沙灘上,呆呆的看海。身旁皆是自己的物品--書、 衣服、唱片和一些瑣碎的東西--全敞在幼沙上。我有的東西不多,在幼沙上的似乎是我最需要的物質了。
天氣很好,我用了良久去看浪頭。忽然間,幾個大浪打來,將我認為最重要的東西一一捲走。我嘗試追浪,想拾回絲毫。但當那些書本衣物一一離開,我開始覺得並不太難過,故再坐下來,看著零碎的點點向太平洋流去。
我不會解夢,但我這大半年不住學習撤手(let go)。衪要拿去的,我怎樣不願意,亦慢慢學習放手。 路加福音
22:42父阿、你若願意、就把這杯撤去.然而不要成就我意思、只要成就你的意思。
衪撤手。連生命都撤去了。
昨晚,發了一個前文的"流去太平洋夢"後,醒過來; 敞下,再發另一奇怪夢。
這次的夢是在一間屋子裡,姐姐與我一起。那屋子是陌生的,沒有什麼擺設,特別的地方是屋子的右上方全是天窗; 天窗外是山坡地。
姐姐告訴我將天窗關得緊緊,有報告說山上的堤壩會開閘,洪水會滾滾而下。
我把天窗關上,望著山坡,像暴風雨的前夕。忽倏地,水從山上滾下,我興奮之餘有些害怕。
幸好天窗十分鞏固,沒有半點水走進屋內。
奇怪的是就在這時,我看到洪水將很多人沖到天窗外。他們快要溺死,我想打開天窗,卻怕洪水淹沒全屋。
還是不忍,開了天窗,將人一個一個扯進來。
水卻在窗沿止住了,我弄得一屋是人--老人、嬰孩、男孩、女孩、胖子、廋子、跛的、瞎眼的。
醒過來,六時許,望著吐露港發呆。
兩個夢
22:43有一位天使從天上顯現、加添他的力量。
22:44耶穌極其傷痛、禱告更加懇切.汗珠如大血點、滴在地上。
沒有汪洋
便沒有山洪
便沒撤去身外物
便不會有空空的地方擠滿一屋子人
This morning in train, I was wrapping up the final few articles of Nouwen's Here and Now. One line captured my eyes, "I feel a deep gratitude that my friend had entrusted his grief to me."
Fox, never feel sorry that you have taken my time because your entrusting your grief to me is too much of an honor. Things, afterall, are left to the person himself to solve I believe. Yet, I do have patience to my friend when you trust me enough to share their difficulties with me.
One step a time. One day at a time. Don't rush.
Last night I went home. This morning I have a backpack-load of mum's food--sweet and sour pork; fried vegetables; gigantic shrimps; minced pork with preserved vegetables; fatty eels cooked with turnips; and two mangoes, two oranges and one apple.
That's how parents love their children sometimes--making sure that they eat well, dress warm and sleep enough. Allowing mum to load tons of food in my bag is a way for me to accept her love.
Sometimes I do see people, grown-ups, can't quite be ready to leave their parents (by leaving, I mean emotionally, not necessarily physically; by leaving, I mean they can't quite forgo some hurts and pains they find rooted in their upbringing)
My former partner, as a grown-up, carved out life path that his parents want him to get in order to get their rewards and acceptance.
Some friends who are suffering disappointments in current life still believed that their predicaments come from their childhood negligence and disappoints.
Some cannot stand that their parents do not love them the way they would want to be loved.
Imperfect or limited as their love seems to be, parents, generally speaking, do love their kids.
I do believe. And one day when we become parents, and no matter how hard we try to avoid mistakes that we believed our parents have done, we will still be imperfect. When we take care of kids too well, they would find us as too controlling. When we give them too much freedom, they will blame us for lack of direction and guidance.
Only when we understand how imperfect our love is can we truly forgive some mistakes our parents have made. It's because they have not been loved perfectly by imperfect grandparents.
When we see the imperfect love of ours, we will begin to learn to be at peace with some mistakes our loved ones have done to us.
I don't like to use the word -- v.s. Last night, in the course of Christian Spirituality, I raised a question to Dr. Wan, asking about Henri Nouwen, who's a priest in the Catholic church because I don't think there's such a great discrepancy between what he believes in and what the Protestant church believes in.
Dr. Wan smiled a little and said, "Once I translated a book of Nouwen, and immediately all the Christian bookstores almost took away my own books from the bookshelf." Some people believe that he's almost like a treason to what he believes in.
"Yes, there's fundamental differences, like I don't believe in virgin Mary and the Rosary and his acceptance of homosexuality," Dr. Wan continued,"yet, when I went to Daybreak community (for disabled kids) and I saw how Father Nouwen cared for the kids, who're virtually like meatballs dripping to saliva which had seizures every few minutes, I could not disagree that he lived a Christian and spiritual life."
Among the active church leaders in Hong Kong, there's a time they argued if Mother Teresa was indeed a Christian.
Some conservation believers would say NO because they would not agree with many things Mother Teresa, as sister from Catholic church, would believe in her traditions.
Some more liberal thinkers would think that Teresa's act of love is a manifestation of her Christian life undoubtedly.
Lots of babbling.
Sometimes I really wonder why there's a big fuzz over that.
If the basic idea is about Christ, can we embrace each other?
Perhaps in reality, no.
Religion is a strange thing.
Everyone claims his/her self Christian. Yet our acts are so antagonistic sometimes.
I don't quite how to reach the fineline of truth. What's truth? Is there objective truth?
When we talk about truth, no matter what we babble, afterall everything melts down to one word--Faith.
I wonder what's God's idea up there.
Shiuto was quoting a part from Tuesday With Morrie. Ha, I feel like quoting one I like too:
On this day, Morrie says he has an exercise for us to try. We are to stand, facing away from our classmates, and fall back ward, relying on another student to catch us. Most of us are uncomfortable with this, and we cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping ourselves. We laugh in embarrassment.
Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom I notice almost always wears bulky white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes, leans back, and does not flinch, like one of those Lipton tea commercials where the model splashes into the pool.
For a moment, I am sure she is going to thump on the floor. At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up harshly.
Whoa! several students yells. Some clap.
Morrie finally smiles.
"You see," he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too--even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."
In life, oftentimes, we are in the uncertainties or in the dark; yet, it does not curb us from marching forwards. We listen to our heart, and we trust the other and ourselves as what our heart asks us to do.
Love, I don't know what's next. But I will wait and see what it will turn out to be.
天花亂墜
花一
貓人楚與我打算去信麥當勞,要求熱焦糖新地復市。
花二
要致電愛我華大學談談入學事宜,要致電舊老闆談談簽證事宜,要等PennState的電話面試,實在不想多碰電話。神啊,給笨孩子多點勇氣吧!
花三
討厭以不理睬作回答的人,幹什麼不可坦白說話,還耍這技倆。
花四
好友Kina掛念昔日跟我到Granville Island看海鷗,到Doremi唱K,吃點心的日子。我已不在彼岸,保重噢!
花五
返家不返家返家不返家返家不返家--腦死人了。很想吃媽媽的飯,但卻想要早上起來的吐露港,人生總有很多難決定的時候。
花六
我要咬您!
花七
士林路撞車地點的風鈴不見了。
花八
努力游水跑步,儘管您常笑我。
花九
媽咪弄好晚餐,我必準時入座,我開心時媽咪開心。
花十
與其無病呻吟,不如食碗魚旦粉。
花十一
好想去學拉丁文。
花十二
借了一本叫"給蟾蜍作輔導"的書(Counseling For Toads),作為入門小讀物。
花十三
我要唸Rehab Counseling,因為愛面對心理或生理有障礙的人,自己都幾disabled。
花十四
送您杜枚的《秋夕》,雖然春天已到。
銀燭秋光冷畫屏 輕羅小扇撲流螢
花十五
越想越覺得Prot是K-Paxian,新墨西哥洲一向就有外星人到訪的傳聞。
說島說島
001 紐西蘭的激流島
打從20世紀60年代起,紐西蘭的激流島就有厭世傾向的英國移民聚居。詩人顧城曾在島上與妻子謝燁和愛人英兒過著女兒國生活。他排斥自己的兒子,把他寄養在毛利人家�堙A也不讓謝燁去任何別的地方,包括去看兒子。他認為兒子是對他的生活是一種侵犯。只是死之前,從沒抱過兒子的顧城對兒子有了點柔情。
顧城在紐西蘭的激流島上用斧頭斫殺妻後自殺,至今已有多年了。
詩人湮沒後的激流島的海水,仍像往昔一樣藍吧?
想到激流島,總不寒而慄 。
茂宜島又稱山谷之島〈The Valley Isle〉,是夏威夷州的第二大島,面積 729 平方英哩,有居民九萬一千四百人。
林老師上課時常常提到"貓兒島",說到他在君匯三歲時在"貓兒島"威基基海灘時便十分雀躍。
林老師總說:「我忘不掉,抱著孩子看人家在威基基海灘跳浪的情況,他們總是看準浪頭,一躍而上。」
看準浪頭,一躍而上--不就是老師一生的寫照嗎? 看準Stanford大門的浪,看準樓市的浪,看準股市的浪,看準孩子校門的浪 ; 別人在香港的經濟大浪中弄得焦頭爛額,他卻乘風破浪。
他的確聚精會神看準浪頭 ; 但卻忽略了七彩的珊瑚魚,海鷗,無際的長空。
到過南丫島都會認識: 伏連綿的山嶺和優美的海岸,榕樹灣大街巿異國風情,索罟灣的天虹海鮮飯店,山上的燒乳鴒和山下的亞婆豆腐花。
但對南丫島早在四千年前,己有生產彩陶一事卻有點陌生吧!彩陶多在南丫島大灣發掘,它們皆是淺碗狀,碗沿都鑿有小孔,考古學家對彩陶對當時的文化和生活的作用皆眾說紛紜。一般認為大灣彩陶與環珠江口的史前彩陶相似,故可能與大溪文化如出一轍。
考古學的可愛和可怕之處--是考古學只可一味靠估,即是科學鑑定如何如何,用二十一世紀的思維去猜測史前的思維實在不易。
P.S. Thanks for Pak Lum's correction. Should be 元前四千年, not 四千年前.
001 K-PAX
It's not a movie that will appeal to many. Most people may find the sessions between Prot (Kevin Spacey) and Dr. Powell (Jeff Bridges) overly lengthy. Or they may get disturbed by the genre--drama? sci-fiction? comedy?--too much of a hybrid.
Yet, I love Kevin Spacey's acting plus the very cunning dialogues between the "doctor" and the "patient." If you are the kind who get provoked by words easily, it's worthwhile take a look at K-Pax.
001.1 "I am a K-Paxian"
Prot, who claims himself from a planet called K-PAX, appears in a train station in New York and is later taken to the Manhattan Psychiatric Institute.
The movie is hovered by lots of dialogues between Prot and Powell, who has a difficult time to regress to Prot's past in hope of dugging out the origin of his problem, or to disprove that Prot's a K-Paxian.
At the long last, when Powell believe that a Prot's indeed Robert Porter, a guy who's believed to have been through a big trauma in New Mexico. Powell wants Prot to recognize of his "identity."
Powell: "You are Robert Porter."
Who are we, afterall? Is it what we think we are, or what we really are, determines the identity of us? Not quite, it's what others claim, in this societal structure, of us, make who we are, absurdly.
001.2 "On my planet, I am the doctor, and you are the patient."
After the doctor has learnt that Prot's trying to "heal" the patients in his ward, Powell confronts Prot in the garden of the hospital.
Powell: "Prot, on my planet, I am the doctor and you are the patient."
The fact that Prot helps Dr. Powell discover his own personal problem and the doctor becomes the one who needs to be cured is a theme quite cliche. Yet, it's worth pondering upon the notion between--the healer and the healed.
In the bible, God claims, "Blessed are the poor." He never says--blessed are the one who help the poor.
It takes me some time to realize that to so-called "help" others isn't for the sake of blessing those in need. The need are the ones who will bring me blessing.
The poor are the blessed ones.
By poor, I mean those who lack love, who lack confidence, who lack money, who lack warm, who lack company.
They often bring me more than I offer them.
When Prot is about to part on July 27, back to K-PAX, as he claims, he says, "Thank you, Dr. Powell, thank you for your hospitality...oh, hospital, oh...hospitality."
Hospitality is not about having a cocktail party, finger buffets, well-chosen music, or elegant house decoration. Hospitality is simply about offering the very minute things that you can offer with opening arms.
The puns in many dialogues of the movie are stunning. Hospital, hospitality, and if I would write the script, I may add one more--hostility.
I have been to the some psychiatric wards in hospital (well, visiting friends), and oftentimes I felt very disturbed by the hostile feeling, not hospitable feeling of the ward.
The movie, though very cliche-like, denotes that only when we turn hostility into hospitality, we begin to see something.
Being a hospitable host, we invite the people to be your house as guest.
Just like the movie, the closeness of Prot and Powell is reflected by the time when Prot asked Powell to come into his house for a party. Powell is the host and Prot is the guest. In our life, how often do we welcome people who run into us with open arms?
Coming back to the very original issue, the distinction between doctor and patient is absurd, claimed by Prot. And in the bible, the distinction between host and guest is absurd too. When Jesus was invited to dine with the tax-collectors, tell me--who's indeed the host and who's indeed the guest? Who's getting and who's giving?
Yes, on our planet, we like to distinguish things into dichotomy.
001.3 "On K-Pax, there's no law and there's of course no lawyers."
Oh man, when this line was delivered by Prot, my friend Bruno, a solicitor himself, who's sitting next to me, uttered a word--"oh, shit!" Tere and I, almost at the same time, turned our face to Bruno, and laughed. Ha, ha, on K-Pax, Bruno would be flunked because there's no need for lawyers. We still laughed at this idea when we were enjoying our post-movie coffee break at Pokka-Cafe in Shatin.
Powell, "Hmm... Prot, what's the societal structure in K-Pax? Are there laws on K-Pax?" But I think Prot is very right (can't help loving his words), "I don't quite understand how you human make it till today."
001.4 "Dr. Powell, you aren't listening."
Prot tells Powell that on K-Pax, there's no family. Being quite confused and overwhelmed, Powell wants to explore the idea further."
Powell, "You mean on K-Pax, there's no marriage?"
Ha ha, I love Prot! What a line--you are not listening!
That's what I find most psychiatrists or counselors, and myself do when talking to others. They hear what the patients or clients or friends say. They hear because that's what they are supposed to do. But they don't listen because they don't believe in what they are to hear from them. There's a difference between hearing and listening.
001.5 "Who goes to bed now will get an extra credit!"
Tere and I thundered a blot of laughter at the same time when Prot says that, with the patients rushing to their bedrooms.
Yesterday my little three-year-old refused to pick up a little napkin he threw on the floor at home. My sister-in-law insisted that the little guy had to pick it up and put it into the bin. With his pride much bigger than his size, my nephew struggled not to pick it up. The mum and the child had a little cold war over a napkin on the floor.
The napkin remained unmoved, so did my sister-in-law and nephew.
Five minutes, ten minutes and fifteen minutes pasted. No one wanted to give in.
My nephew did not see what he could get out of picking up the rubbish.
People, be they little kids, or mental patients, or boyfriends, or wives, or parents, or anyone, will not do what you tell them to do unless they realize the credits behind those actions themselves.
When they know what's good about doing something, they will do it without you telling them.
001.5 Solitude
K-Pax is not what people will call a great or even good movie. Yet, it fits my taste perfectly well. Kevin Spacey's action, as usual, is stunning. What I like most is his ability to be living in solitude amid clouds of people. He looks at the surrounding and is being in the situation as if he's off the context.
Leaving in solitude isn't too difficult if you are in the deserts in New Mexico. Yet, being in solitude amid the bustle Manhattan inside the hectic psychiatric hospital with a roomful of mentally disturbed patients isn't easy. But Spacey acts that out confidently.
Sometimes I want to get into his eyes, Spacey's eyes, to look at the world. If the director would like us to see from the sunglasses of Prot's, the effect may be quite different.
Talking about the ability to observe the world slowly, Ah Ja and Fatty, I think Spacey's the one to look for. Never the duck.
I have talked so much of the movie simply because the dialogues repeat in my mind involuntarily. I did not jot them down while watching the movie and so the dialogues may not be the exact wordings of the script. Who cares.
I am from a planet called K-PAX.
I found a few things when taking a little walk with my sister in Lamma Island yesterday.
1) I found the bread that I haven't had for the past 8 years. Don't know what it's called in English exactly, it's a kind of ryebread. But it's plastic like in texture, and unyeasted. You have to really chew on it because it's real hard. You can find grains packed closely into a dark loaf. I had it daily when living in Europe. Oh man, I found it! The bread goes perfectly well with Scandinavian pickled herrings, with some thin onion rings on top.
2) I met a Caucasian girl (about 10 years old) in the beginning of our hike, who had bruises all over her legs and arms, and was even bleeding a little on her face. She was holding nothing else but a cell phone, . And her eyes were very red, with tears cornering them. She walked past us; and I went back to ask if she was okay.
She said, "Thank you, I am okay."
I asked again, "Gal, are you sure you don't need some help?"
She insisted, with eyes totally wet and red, "Thank you, I am okay." And she walked faster and away.
I did not keep running after her; but I think she's quite badly beaten up. I did not know what else I could do as she wanted to be left alone. I continued to walk, only to find that I could not let go of that image.
3) And I met my sister again, the sister who's in my heart. We have not had a nice chat for quite some time. Yesterday was the day.
I hurt this friend again. I never want to be a stumble block to others. Do you understand? I never think of you as low, not at all. I just know I should do what my heart tells me to do, and I don't want to stumble your way. Do you see it? It hurts me to say things frank out right to you. Hurting your feelings is the last thing I want to do.
I hope you will understand me. I don't want to hurt your feelings. Yet, sometimes I need to do the right way. It may not seem nice of me doing it.
The more try to explain, the more futile the explanations seem to be.
And I choose to stop explaining, yet I hope you would understand.
Truth hurts; you told me when I first met you already. Truth hurts, but we cannot live without being truthful.
03.09.02
001 談談死亡
小姪兒發熱,熬在家裡不能上課。
昨天早上,消防車嗚嗚的作響,姪兒與嫂子臥在床沿,看對面房子三十樓一單位的小火。不消一會,中年男子提刀爬到冷氣糟的一角,懸在高空中。姪兒看得出神; 嫂子看得出汗。
突然,男子狂嘯,一躍而下。
嫂子嚇住,尖叫,擁著姪兒在哭。姪兒倒很冷靜,說:「媽咪,你好驚呀? 點解你要喊呀?」
姪兒不明白三十樓跳下與在鞦韆架跳下的分別。
死亡是我那時候開始明白的呢? 我是否真的明白?
死亡本身不可怕,可怕的是人們不知死亡後會到那裡去。
小肥問: 「究竟有沒有輪迴之事。」
問題詭弔的地方--要我死後才可完滿答覆,奈何到那時我便不方便回答。
幾個月前看了一本書,名為--Beyond Death's Door (By Maurice S. Rawlings)。作者是在急症室工作的醫生,他從受訪的病人的死亡經驗中,嘗試解答下列問題:
Does death represent the end of this life or the beginning of another? Does anyone know what happens after death? Has anyone been there? What does it feel like? Is there evidence to support the biblical descriptions of hell?
這樣子的書不少,看看無妨。
哈爾濱同房與朋友來做東北菜,我喝他們的圓子湯,覺得十分幸福。
哈爾濱同房對朋友說: 「Dora是那種很獨立,等待合適時候作合適的事的人。」
哈~哈~我心裡在笑: 其實那是亂踫亂撞的結果罷了。我不會打算,但對任何事都可以樂觀地接受,看似計劃很好,其實我只是隨遇而安。
回港快兩年,所得到的愛實在很多。
Anais Nin 的日記和 Erotica是我喜歡看的,寫性寫得點到即止,不易。
或許,嘗試寫寫。
三月是拍畢業照的旺季,校園都是擁花擁公仔的黑袍人。我像很愛交朋友,但我怕熱鬧,怕繁文縟節,怕禮怕煩。
中五畢業典禮時,我在曲奇國; 中七畢業典禮時,我在加國; 大學畢業典禮時,我在花旗國。可不行的禮,免得就免了。
我原是個悶葫蘆,受不了所謂情趣背後的頭痛; 還是簡單好。
逛街是苦不堪言的事。
做男人不容易。
要跟我逛街的朋友,總要在書店裡找我。
近日,本來近零的購物慾更下滑,香港多幾頭鴨恐怕要死守谷底。
001 笑
早上,步行回辦公室路上,我手拿薄薄的小書,邊走邊看邊想。
其中一話說道: Don't be a grumbler。
生活中,發牢騷和沒有信心的人很多,被瑣細之事弄得鬱鬱不歡,可以的話要把快樂散落。
看了,想了一會。
一會兒,黑黝黝的中年男子騎單車迎面而來,我不慌不忙笑著點頭。他回頭報以微笑,像很快樂的送報紙去。
很溫暖的早點噢! 我想。
走到大馬路,看到空空的大巴校車,駕車的是從前跟我交談過一次的司機叔叔,那個取笑我的廣東話有口音的司機叔叔 >_<。
那是年初三的晚上,我回宿舍去。研究生多回家渡歲,大巴校車只有小貓三數。我是個不害羞且愛說話的女子,便跟司機叔叔聊天。 其實,我心懷不軌意圖,我是愛偷竊人家生活片段的杆子。司機叔叔告訴我許多他大女兒的東西:十二歲去星洲唸書;中學到大學都是拿星政府的獎學金;很乖巧孝順;唸生化工程;成了大半星洲人......
最吸引卻的是司機爸爸的驕傲的笑,為自己孩子而發出的安慰且驕傲的笑,是proud,不是pride。
儘管爸媽在我面前不會讚賞半句,我想他們在人家前談起我,都會有安慰且驕傲的笑臉(那管當中夾雜了許多痛苦)。
空空的大巴校車駛過,我一再不慌不忙笑著點頭,為的不過是說聲早。司機叔叔看到我便將校車停下,揮手叫我上車,要送我到火車站去。我不住耍手,叫他不必客氣;他不住揮手,叫我上車.我說我很快會到,實在不必客氣。他笑一笑便開車了.
我喜愛的生活是這樣的生活:沒什麼很特別或成就;只是在瑣碎的小事中不慌不忙的活在當下.
研究所的年多工作給我不多--沒有什麼高薪,沒有學到什麼技能,沒有拿到什麼經驗;它卻給我很多--很可貴的朋友;看不厭的日出日落;寧靜的機會去反省前路;平安的心去欣賞荷花池的鴨.
「你好像把身邊的事情看得很清楚,總覺得妳是那種懂得慢下來看世界的人(鴨)!」亞乍說.
亞乍,那不是鴨一路來的性子;那是中大地靈的影響(奈何人卻不傑,一笑).
安安的媽媽是我的同事,安媽一再問我會不會跟他們一起外出吃午飯.
鴨:不了.
蠢鴨! 告訴安媽,即很快秘書要知,秘書知即老闆很快會知.
去留與否還不是肯定,幹什麼這麼早讓人知?
不要緊罷了,有時做事要果斷,沒有後路才可迫自己前進.
週末約了姐姐一起行山,許久沒一起跑跑了.
美其名是與小姪兒到郊外走走,看水塘魚魚,玩滑梯;實際有Hidden Agenda--告訴姐姐赴美唸書一事.
不知她會怎麼說呢?
我要去的話,要自己負擔生活的種種.便不能繼續支援家人.
有時弄不清這是我的自私,還是走天路要放棄的東西.
我心知道要行,卻覺得不太容易,情感的擔子比財政的擔子還重.儘管我知道倦了時,衪會給我背負那些擔子.
打開一包已切好洗滌好的綠椰菜紅椰菜甘筍沙拉
001 Kill the Spider
I am to kill the spider
I know I have to kill the spider for good because I am so tired of cleaning up the cobwebs on a daily basis. Sometimes certain things in life just cannot wait for any longer, and I know it's the time to kill it. When the cobwebs are rounding up things into a tangled mess, and as the mess rolls into a big snowball, it will become harder to resolve. No more. God. No more.
Inside the MTR compartment, she talked about her uneasiness when her partner was seeing a pretty babe. In her mind, it's clear that he won't be after her; yet the angel face and devil body of that woman bothers her.
Women aren't often troubled by the idea of their partners seeing another person; women are troubled by the fact that they aren't pretty enough, comparing to this she, that she, and another she. Jealousy begins the snowball. Comparison and judgement begins jealousy. "It's easy to say, but hard to let go of the emotions," she lamented.
In 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, it says, "Love does not envy." It's hard to do, my friend, but God won't demand things beyond our ability, I think.
Jealousy hurts one's feeling badly. I have been learning, over years, to let go. Just let go.
This morning, when I opened my eyes, the first thing I did was shouting at the ocean:
Father, morning.
I found myself a little nuts in these days.
When Skippy was expecting his child, I was quite anxious as well. The moment when Jo came out of the womb of her mother, Skippy cried and the first thing he wanted to do--to bring the good news to me.
Yesterday from the pictures he sent me, Jo already knew how to crawl.
Babies grow so fast. So fast. They hel you to witness the passage of time.
As announced by Fox, the First Forest Conference was held yesterday, at Duck's office.
Agenda: Conservation of the cultural heritage of Amazonian Native Indians with an attempt to put a standstill to the clear-cut deforestation the Amazon basin.
Refreshment: Meow's lunch box and duck's noodles
Participants: Meow, Duck, and Fox.
Next meeting: TOA.
Yesterday, on my way to the evening class, I walked past a temple right next to Temple street, where a flood of on-lookers were circling around the entrance. My curiosity (well, busy-body mentality) drove me towards them, only to find a handful of elderly women kneeling down "beating up little people" (打小人).
What's the logic behind?
Another question hovers me is that what makes one hate another so much that they would like to use such a way to beat another person up.
Hard to understand.
There's no new things under the sun?
03.06.2002
拾荒者
我總在生活的垃圾堆裡找尋人們摒棄的。
很喜歡孫燕姿的歌。
最喜歡的歌不是天黑黑,不是我要幸福,不是翻唱人家的橄欖樹,而是首張大碟中不為人留意的--和平。
和平
詞:廖瑩如 曲:李偲菘
這一天正開始 昨天生過壞事 太陽還是同個姿勢
沒有憑歌寄意的原因,只覺她唱得叫人平靜得不得了。歌詞叫人平靜得不得了。
好一句:愛是固執的; 我只要在兵慌馬亂中找到和平。
如果我是男孩子,柔中有剛的孫燕姿會是我嚮往追求的女孩,因為我害怕意大利麵女孩。
意大利麵女孩是沒有脊骨的女孩子,只會依附在人家的臂膀中。
意大利麵女孩有修長的幹子,滑溜的外貌,卻沒有一點味道。
意大利麵女孩的味道隨伴侶或潮流改變。
意大利麵女孩的生存要沾上別人的--義大利野菇蕃茄醬,起士菠菜焗扇貝汁,小花枝蛤蜊墨魚汁,蘑菇香腸肉醬。
鴨子幹什麼批評意大利麵女孩子?不外是酸葡萄罷了?!哈!?
我想意大利麵男孩比意大利麵女孩更叫人疙瘩,從前認識一位,倒覺得他可憐得很。
真的,一個人老是活在人家的背影中是很可惜很可憐的事。
狐貍,我很同意中大的確很美。
今早六時五十分,在宿舍露台等馬鞍山的日出。
覺得神每天都提醒我--他每天都有新的恩典。
我對著吐露港高呼:
Father! 早晨!
今早的禱文很簡單。
昨晚和他談電話的小節錄。
我:原地踏步.
急性子的我老是忘記停下來,坐下來的重要.我總是在忙忙叨叨.或許神要我學習「等」的重要,派他來我的天路上叫我學習耐心等候.
是有信心的「等」.
在路上,「去」與「等」同樣重要.
「等」是聽到心靈的聲音,清楚方向,待合適的時候才「去」.
十一苑到新研宿的一段士林路月前發生交通意外,騎電單車的年輕人喪了命.
以前晚上或會在士林路跑步,但自從看到意外地點那兒壓倒了的樹幹,樹幹前的巧克力和豆腐花,便沒再跑步了.
早上卻喜歡那人少車少的路.
不知誰在那樹幹上放了個綠色小屋子型的風鈴.吹進清晨和緩的風,噹噹作響.
生命的時間長短不是在手中,要好好珍惜,要好好愛人。
03.05.2002 Warbler
Sidetrack a bit first: If you are to choose a thing to express your inner desire or status now, what will that be?
...
I have been asked this question many times before. In the past, I said--bird. Now, I will say, still a bird.
Perhaps the difference is that I will choose a different bird. In the past, perhaps any kind of bird.
Now perhaps I would choose, particularly, to be a lesser whitethroat warbler. Warbler is a tiny bird who spends summers in Germany and winters in Africa. As the days grow short, the adult birds head south, leaving their young behind. Several weeks later, the little ones fly across thousands of miles of unfamiliar land and sea to join their parents.
Experiments have shown that they have an instinctive knowledge of longtitude, latitude, and the ability to tell direction by the stars.
I don't want to be a dumb bird going to one place to another without a direction. Instead, I want to be a warbler, with clearer sense of direction and confidence to fly to meet her parents in Africa.
It takes a lot of solitude, silence, and sincerity to listen to the heart in order to dug out the instinctive knowledge of our direction inside. City dwellers have been hovered by too many clouds and smog losing sight of the internal conviction and gifts God's given them.
I wanna be a warbler.
Flying across thousands of miles.
With an instinctual direction.
To go to where I am supposed to be.
...
Eldest sister
天階夜色涼如水 坐看牽牛織女星
Prot: "I will accept to be Robert Porter, only when you will accept me as K-Paxian."
Prot: "Dr. Powell, isn't it absurd that, on your planet, you have the distinction between doctor and patient?"
Powell: "Now, you are the patient, and you are not coming here to cure others. I am the one who should cure them."
Prot: "Why haven't you done so?"
Prot, "No, on K-Pax, there's no law and there's of course no lawyers."
Powell, "Oh...no laws, but how can that work?"
Prot, "Isn't it true that everyone of us has the sense of what's right and wrong?"
Powell, "Oh well... but without laws, how can you punish those who do the wrong things?"
Prot, "You human on your planet always believe in an eye for an eye, a life for a life. Didn't Buddha and Jesus tell you not to do that? You human won't listen to that, even the Buddhist and the Christian."
Prot, "Dr. Powell, you aren't listening, I said that there's no family, no marriage, no husband, no wife on K-Pax."
安媽:為什麼呢?
鴨:帶了午飯,想省錢.
安媽:要省錢嗎?
鴨:嗯,要唸書.
安媽:要到美國唸書嗎?
鴨:嗯,可以的話秋天便去.
安媽:這麼快嗎?
鴨:嗯,故要努力省錢.
安媽:不在香港唸?
鴨:不了.
打開一包已切好熏好的三文魚薄片
放點沙拉油
懶鴨懶洋洋的懶骨頭晚餐
for good
No cobwebs tangling my way
anymore
Christ, morning.
Holy spirit, morning.
Amen
小鳥還是那個拍子
沒什麼停止
別人繼續過日子站在地球小小位置
誰在意我們的爭執
突然間 有一點情緒 也有一些道理 說給陌生人聽
那聲音 消失空氣裡 也就沒有留下任何壞的訊息
愛是固執的 我只要在兵慌馬亂中找到和平
和平對待你不掉淚是因為好多事還要努力
我是固執的
我微笑就代表我正在要求和平
和平對待你 這一天
就這麼開始 我會相信你
我會相信你 真的相信你 我會相信你
Jesus! 早晨!
Holy Spirit! 早晨!
Love you ALL! Amen!
他:為什麼原地踏步?
我:前無去路,所以原地踏步.
他:或許你看不到罷了.
我:還是只有原地踏步.
他:為什麼不坐下來?
我:為什麼一直沒想到坐下來!你呢?
他:我很早已經坐下來了.
我:噢! 為什麼不早點叫我坐下來呢?害我累跨了! (笑)
他:我在等你,知道你踏步累了便會自自然然坐下來.(笑)
我:你會跟我一起坐下來嗎?
他:一直都在伴著你.
我:多久?
他:多久便多久.