Saturday: 05.18.02
■ Considerate
This afternoon, a friend said, "Dora, you're the most considerate person I have ever met." I honestly thought that he's been mistaken. If I were real considerate, I would have stopped allowing others to love me. I always end up hurting and I should not blinding fall for someone or let someone fall for me.
Considerate? No, honestly, it's just a myth.
■ Juices
There's a strange practice in the research institute I have been working and am to leave tomorrow--whoever leaves his/her job has to buy some cakes for others in the last afternoon.
Instead of the ugly cakes from Maxim near the KCR station, I went to CC Cafeteria to buy 18 glasses of fresh fruit juices. 9 watermelon and 9 orange juices. Bringing so many juices from CC to office was quite a task, and I had to let go of my wish to get a final glimpse into the ducks in the pond.
Why juices? I am a juicy duck ma. Oh man, sometimes I am unbearable.
■ Secret
I have a secret. Because it is a secret, I cannot tell you. If I tell you, it's not a secret anymore.
■ Doubt
When in doubt, I pray. God, tell me if I should accept or not. I am confused. Am I deserving it, or infringing it? Tell me my Lord.
God, if I ask you to allow me to love, would you allow? God, I would rather hurt my feeling now than hurting my loved ones later. If you think I should not, just pull my heart out.
■ yazi
I have a feeling that this homepage will be ending very soon, and so before it takes place, you will see me write in great length that's beyond imagination. Geocities.com is banned in the Mainland, and so I can't be able to view my own hp there. Unless I have bought a new domain, I will just take the easy way out--deserting this hp as an orphan. That's technical problem one.
Writing has been so ingrained in my life since I was in primary school. Yet, writing in this public arena has been so bizarre. In recent days I have been writing some journals, posting them, changing their context, deleting them, reuploading them, and then crossing them out totally later. I don't quite get the inner peace in writing. The hesitation curbs expression.
The internet is a public place. When I choose to go public, I find my private utopia being shrunken. Sometimes I admire meow's honesty in her writings. When she cried, she wrote that. When she got angry, she shouted. Sometimes I am even more amazed by fox's clarity--from sexuality to academic life--he would be blunt and direct. Perhaps I should go the other way around--like the public enterprises in the Mainland which have been advocating the notion of--GOING PRIVATE.
Now I gradually begin to understand why writers would go exile for the sake of seeking an Alexandria in which they'd speak what they think. I don't experience political or religious persecution in writing; yet the self-imposed restriction in expressing my inner most feelings would be worst than external persecution.
Don't ask me anymore if I will keep vomiting my words here. My promise could be a rain-check; I am not a trustworthy person as no one should really bet on my words.
When I picked the nickname yazi in my icq, I noticed a lot of Turkish people popped up to chat with me. Later, I found out that it's due to the fact that yazi, in Turkish, means writing. A beautiful mistake. Yazi, I meant to mean, duck. Oh well, Duck is writing, isn't it?
Call me inconsistent; yet being constantly inconsistent is indeed a kind of consistency.
整個早上都在辦公室收拾東西：書本、CD、釘在版上的照片、在櫃裡與楚和珊中午煮飯仔的食具、被遺忘了的髮夾、很多舊信件、電腦上的電郵、icq的朋友、中午他與我說笑的回憶、窗外吐露港的來往奔波的飛機、荷花池的鴨、一年半在亞太所的經歷、很多很多的歡笑夾雜著偶爾的難過。
真的要離開了。
昨夜，睡得反覆，二時起來聽到很沈重的雨打滾在露台。 我爬起來，拿了信紙，寫了許多封信，收信的全是回港這兩年認識至交心的朋友：貓、珊、狐、Gary、Bruno、Susan。 我是一個很幸運的女孩，上天總是無時無刻安排很好的朋友給我。我邊寫邊兒無奈，眼紅紅的在寫，因我很快會遠去，這回可以在天邊那兒捉住多少個知心?
人家或常說我常離家，說我無情無根。我認識的鴨子真的很有感情，她很容易笑亦很容易哭，我身不在您身，但心卻常在您心，沒離開過咫尺。我像飄忽不定，但你知道嗎--我的愛是無底的。人們不信無條件的愛，我可以做到; 不信我? 放眼看。我直愛成傷仍要去愛。
同途萬里人（絲綢之路主題曲）-- 羅文
天蒼蒼 山隱隱 茫茫途路
戈壁灘 沙丘間 聽聽漢風
互伴上前路 同攜尋正道
叫同行萬里人 邁步 莫怕惡風高
戈壁灘 沙丘間 聽聽漢風
叫同行萬里人 邁步 莫怕旱海滔滔
爬進奇妙口袋裡
想小鳥伴你飛舞
叮噹呀 誰都喜歡你
叮噹呀 誰都喜歡你
難得一身好本領 情關始終闖不過
You Raise Me Up--composed by Rolf Lovland and lyrics by Brendan Graham
When I am down and, oh my soul, weary.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains,
There is no life- no life without its hunger;
I don't know why you have the faith in me and confidence in me. I really don't know. But you have delivered the greatest gift in life--Christ. You often say, "Thank God, don't thank me." You often say that you are the water, I am the plant and God's the gardener. From my heart, I don't know what I could give back to your love. All I could offer--perhaps--is the most sincerely blessing I ask God to give you and your family.
我要向高山舉目
＊我要向高山舉目
God bless you abundantly.
I don't know why I'm frightened
The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways,
I've spent so many mornings
I'm coming out of make-up
I don't want to be alone that's all in the past,
And this time will be bigger,
The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways,
Like what Arnold Schwarzenegger said in Terminator : "I'll Be Back!"
離家別國是否真的百感交集、百般難受呢? 鏡頭總是捕捉最煽情的；如果吃膩了傷春悲秋，攝影隊不防考慮:
(一) 到溫市列治文訪問正興高彩烈打牌的師奶們。
中國人在他鄉的故事很多很多，不過我們似乎只愛看煽情的。 Tuesday: 05.15.02 ■ No Matter What
A song shared with you, all who believe in what you're doing.
No matter what they tell us, No matter what they do
No matter what they call us, However they attack
I can't deny what I believe, I can't be what I'm not
If only tears were laughter, If only night was day
And I will keep you safe and strong, And sheltered from the storm
No matter who they follow, No matter where they lead
No matter if the sun don't shine, Or if the skies are blue
I can't deny what I believe, I can't be what I'm not
Kelvin was co-editing the Chinese section of Perspectives with me about three years ago. We did not know each other well because most of the time we used email and fax to work together. It's not until recent days when he began to ask me more about his decision on being the editor-in-chief for the paper again did we begin to talk more personally. This afternoon, he said, "Dora, I did not know you could be so hyper." Ha. My reply was, "I have many faces. I could be nuts like kids and serious as well."
Dora has a split personality. At home, I rarely rarely speak a word while when in "public" I appear to be chatty and expressive. There's an atmosphere at home that I could not quite describe--for the past two decades or so, I learned to be so acquiesced when being with my family. It's extremely unusual for anyone of this family to talk more than a few sentences. People get suffocated from strangling; we get suffocated from strangling by our own inner emotions. Perhaps there are too many things people in the family busy hiding; too many ruins avoid facing; too many emotions try curbing. The price is so great. So great that I don't know how to pay. Or it's too late to foot the bill?
No one likes a split personally. Anything not being "normal" scares people away.
After work, Mr. Lam invited me to go over to his place in Happy Valley to have dinner. I promised to make soup for them. Leeks, pumpkin, garlic, onions, carrots, and apples--were what I got from City Super. Peeling, chopping, pan frying, boiling, blending, sieving--took me not an hour to prepare the very smooth and creamy pumpkin soup for them.
When the soup was simmering in the kitchen, I took the chance to sit in his balcony overlooking the race course and the very bustle and beautiful evening life of Hong Kong. Meanwhile, Mr. Lam came to chat with me.
"How do you feel now about leaving?" He asked.
"Nothing special," I replied, "like...hm...going to Lantau Island."
He then spent some time to tell me now how to be focused, not to be regretful later, and how to plan to settle. Everyone seems very nervous about my action. Recently, in all farewell dinners, I notice how my moving life has bugged others. High school friends whom I have not seen for two years suddenly came out to farewell me [If it's not due to my "leaving", I wonder if it'd take another decade for us to meet]. Susan said, "It just shows how much your friends care for you." Rationally, it's. Emotionally, I do wonder--what they really care? Anyone who really cares?
Lip-services, I am scared of.
It's so strange that people having known that I'm to go to China, gradually give me up or see me off as if I'm emigrating to Canada or something, if not dying. All the farewells have put me on the nerve. Am I leaving, or am I being left behind?
Perhaps I have not really recovered. I have just once again hidden the things I want to say. Deep in my heart I am concealing, things that I am wanting to say. Scared to confess what I am feeling. Frightened you will slip away.
Concealing again and again what I want to say. What a humpty dumpty I am, sitting on the wall, not knowing which side to fall. Mr. Lam was surprised to see me pray before dinner. He despises all religions. Often I heard in class, he said, "I will never believe in any religion because of my arrogancy." But I don't need his approval of my will. He strongly believes that I choose this path to leave home again because I want to escape. Fine! I don't want to justify. Whatever you think. Whatever you believe. Whatever you choose to do. Whatever you consider. Whatever you decide. Whatever you conclude. I feel paralyzed to try to say anything to anyone. People seem to know myself more than I do. They decide and conclude things for me. They decide what's the best for me. They say this and that. And I no longer want to vocalize what's in mind. It's futile to any further.
There's no freedom in this world. There's no free lunch either.
While passing the cathedral in Lam's Mercedes, I felt a need to pray. The pain still stabs at me.
In the morning, I turned to the OT, and could not stand the book of Chronicles. Thus, I jumped to Nehemiah. Nehemiah's stronghold in prayers made him capable of rebuilding the city wall of Jerusalem and of combating the ridicules of people. When I notice that people begin to leave their hands off me, I find my only and final resort--praying.
Just like Nehemiah, whenever in doubt, in distress, in disgust, in danger, and in dumbness, I prayed. I brought everything to Christ's hand and said, "It's too heavy, can you please carry?" He nodded gently. I thought I had left Him my load, only to find out that later it's still on my shoulders. I deceive myself.
Sometimes I do feel lonely. I am just a human being. Yet, when no one understands, He will still walk with me.
P.S. If you want to be my boss and have me work for you, it's very easy. Go to World Vision International and adopt a child. You'll turn into my boss and enslave me immediately (smile). K did that today. He asked me to pick the country for the kid. I picked China. Instantly, I called him "boss." He replied, "Oh, too bad, they let me choose the country of the sponsored child, but give me no choice not being your boss." Ha ha, I laughed.
My bigger boss is Bruno, who's four kids with WV. My biggest boss is Skippy, who's more prolific. He got seven.
This afternoon when cleaning up my drawer, I found a letter--the one my own Congo girl sent me. I did not read it before [was sent to me in Dec]. I just found that this girl aspired to be a doctor and she indeed goes to Sunday school as well. HKD200 or CAD31 per month can buy a dream for a little soul, I think it isn't too expensive indeed.
■ Hair-cut
Pak-lum: Dora, would you cut your hair before leaving?
■ Eternity Minus One
Pak-lum: I have to rush to church after lunch.
■ Maternal Leave
Mouse: I don't wanna come to the office tomorrow. Wanna take sick-leave... haven't taken it for so long.
The following courses will be available for the next sem.
Quack 101: Intro to Duckology.
吃了許多頓餞別飯
坦白說
唯望安琪兒會碰巧飛過
小姪兒給我說了個故事：「很久很久以前，有一個唸小學一年班的女孩。她唸的是下午校，而她早上會獨在家中，中午左右小女孩會換上校服白裙，自己鎖上門，走到一家茶樓，與剛剛從工廠放工的媽媽一起吃午餐，然後返回學校去。小女孩慢慢愛上與媽媽吃點心的習慣。小女孩儘管常常跟著媽媽，卻是十分驕縱，從不讓媽媽握著小手過馬路。」
小姪兒的聲音開始緩下來，有點緊張似的，續說：「有一回，女孩在馬路的一邊，看到有同學仔在對面，她不以為然，箭步般飛奔到馬路那方。與此同時，一輛大貨車以高速駛向女孩。o彭一聲響，貨車剎停了，司機頭踫擋風玻璃，頭破血流的他趕急下車，歇斯底里地跑到車底，口裡不住狂喊：「女孩在那裡? 女孩在那裡? 」
女孩媽媽差點暈倒；女孩安然站在馬路旁，弄不清發生什麼事；途人喃喃地說好彩好彩；司機安神下來，給人們止血包紮。
小姪兒總括說：「所以小孩子過馬路要握緊大人的手。」
故事中的媽媽是我的媽媽，故事中的主角是我。媽媽常將我小時候發生的事，當作故事般告訴孫兒(卻沒有給我版權)。我一直不愛被牽著手走路，六歲如是，二十年後的今天也是；媽媽昨晚吃飯時都說：「您這孩子總是要走自己的路。」
媽媽，一天您會看我停下，牽著另一隻小手而行，不知那孩子會否像我那麼任性呢?
天天上茶樓的日子，像很接近的遼遠 。 Saturday: 05.11.02
■ Glasshouse
Two former students of mine, Melanie and Creamy, came to my office yesterday's early evening. Ha. I love to be remembered, to be loved by my students. A silly teacher I am. Honestly, these two girls always give me great memories of my classes at Gentle.
Melanie is now trained to be a nurse, a good news to patients-would-be. She's such a cheerful girl who can relieve sufferings through her epidemic smiles. Creamy is doing her BA in Chinese at the Chinese University. We could share freely. I took them to "Glasshouse" for dinner, near the swimming poor. Nice and honest chats with them. They are always curious about this wild teacher. They happen to be both Christians, long before her teacher became one.
I failed to struggle for footing the bill--never got that "fighting-for-bill-skills" from mum. This "see-lai" action is quite embarrassing to me. Ripping off my students is what bugs me. Next time, my term.
■ West-East-North
Sat usually is the most hectic day: woke up at six, got washed, prayed, read Luke Ch.13, poured myself milk and cereals, left home at a quarter to eight, reached the bank at nine sharp, sorted out banking issue, arrived office at a quarter past nine, got a bad news from a closed friend, a little worried, prayed for her, xeroxed notes for afternoon classes, arrived Janice's place at a quarter past eleven, continued rehearsing for our Midsummer night's dream [get ready to perform to the Lams on Tuesday night and I will cook them dinner..hehe...], left Gentle, arrived Chai Wan the sec. sch. at 2, taught from 2 to 5, had great fun, esp. with fourth formers [I loved my silly jokes], went home to celebrate Mum's day... two more gatherings to go... well, I may escape them. Quite drained out indeed after a long day. Frankly, quite refreshing.
I stopped doing exercises and teaching grammar to the students. Instead, I was giving them pieces of articles from Chicken Soup, some Morrie, some Carnegie. My own way of teaching--they need some stimulations in thoughts, not language. What's the greatest thing in teaching? Well, when you know that your students can stretch more for themselves. When they begin to expand their potentials to make themselves better for their own sake--that's the most encouraging.
Mr. Lam, Janice's dad, said to me, before me leaving the school, "You girl, you have been to the east, the west and now the north, what next?" East-Canada. West-Denmark. North-Hebei. I chuckled, "South, penguins in Antartica."
That's just a joke. I know where's next. Deep in heart, I know my unfinished goal-counseling in the U.S. All I am doing now is to get prepared for that--metaphysically and materialistically. Meanwhile, there are too many things to learn before reaching out to that destination.
God bless. Bless my friend who's in distress. Bless those I love tremendously.
I am a happy girl because I am just too silly la.
■ Surprises
Honestly, I have no particularly feeling for any special day, festival, or celebration. Mother's day, Father's day, birthday, Christmas, Valentines--if I could pass them, I would. I like surprises those. One way to surprise--wrapping up gifts in tin-foil, and put them into freezer. When your loved one gets hungry, or happens to find something to cook from the freezer one day, which could be weeks or months later. There s/he goes, a surprising gift--to be defrosted.
Another interesting surprise: Kinder's Wonder Chocolate Egg.
Step One: Buy a Kinder's Egg [the one with a plastic egg inside in which a toy's put.
Step Two: Unwrap the foil of the egg. Be careful not to destroy the foil cover.
Step Three: Cut the Chocolate egg carefully into half, get the plastic egg inside out.
Step Four: Open the plastic egg, get rid of the little toy inside, and replace it with what you wanna give to your loved one. For your mum, you could get her a pair of earings, or a ring, something small.
Step Five: Put the chocolate shelves back together, with the plastic egg in it. And carefully wrap the egg with the foil cover again.
Step Six: Hand this to your loved one. [who would probably pretend to be so thankful while cursing why the heck you give them a cheap chocolate egg.]
There are more surprises indeed. Life is full of surprises. Some you don't want to take and accept, yet gradually you learn to accept them with a gentle smile.
■ Horse Racing My eldest brother does not have one single friend, does not like to work, and never talks to another of us at home. All his energy is devoted to the horses. Obviously horses to him are better than any human being. During dinner, mum and dad pulled out things back in the 60s and 70s to argue. I chose to stay in my room and talk to the PC. There are some reason why I prefer to be living elsewhere indeed.
Sometimes I wonder what pulls my parents stay together. I really wonder.
星期五: 05.10.02
■是日宜：打防疫針(嗚~嗚~三支！ouch！！)； "唱"人民幣；飲萍果汁加梳打水；傻笑；訪荷花鴨池。
■是日忌：返功 (嘻~嘻~)；寫作(鍾意寫呀！吹咩！)。 一) 致森林之友(貓和狐)：儘管伐木工程不止，我們要力保護家園，保持澄明的心。 二) 報告：Thomas Merton在六六年七月放下了M，選擇了Solitude。M syndrome已過。 三) 昨晚發了個很開心的惡夢；或者說是個很不安的好夢。醒來想起一句話："Average is the best of the worst or the worst of the best."
Thursday evening: 05.09.02
■ Fanny
This evening was a lovely and cozy and funny one: Fanny, Sharon and I were back together.
It's hard to imagine that last time we all three got on the same dinning table was already a year ago--despite we all live in the same island. The two were my best high-school mates, really the best, and it's wonderful to eat, laugh, and tease each other again. Fanny has spent a year teaching in a band-five school. She's a humorous and expressive girl, who would throw you with so many interesting episodes of her classroom--almost got beaten up by a student; almost she could not stand and would snap at one student, crying, meeting a neurotic teacher who would talk to himself, claiming that he's useless, ghost stories at school. We met each other in Form One, and at that time I always wondered how come she could get along with almost every student. Later, we joined in the same scout team and got to become really closed.
What we did together in the past? Well, we ate home-made sago-pudding in the last row of the classroom; we adopted a little kitten and later brought her to the animal center; we climbed many mountains together during our junior high school years; we slept in the same tent; we cried together when talking about our family; we laughed together when thinking of our bizarre life.
Years have changed us. Sometimes I would have an urge to call her up and ask her out for dinner; yet deep inside I am a little bit afraid of her. Her very frank and blunt character would allow her to speak things that pitch right into heart. I know she never meant to hurt. However, sometimes it does.
In her eyes, I am always the weirdo, who always leave home for somewhere else [It's not easy as many people think; no one really knows it's not about fun, and there's trade-off], who is just too stubborn [I am perhaps] and who does not know how to compromise [well]. It's this little devil in me who's unwilling to hear blunt words that curb me from reaching this best friend more often.
Sharon is the most quiet one among us three. Who does most of the listening. Fanny does most of the talking. I jump in and out when it's appropriate. Three of us do not share much things in common. I am the most carefree moving type. Sharon is the typical OL who is often groomed and well-made-up. Fanny's the cynical and yet honest one. I am water, Sharon's oil, Fanny's mercury.
For some reason though, despite we don't quite mix, we stay harmoniously for many years. Hopefully, more to come.
Before leaving the restaurant, Fanny asked, timidly, "Dora, why did you turn into a Christian?" I did not really answer it in details. I said,"I just do." Among us three, Fanny was the first one who went to church, in her primary school years. Yet, for the past decade, she's stopped. She wondered what drove my passion in God. I once again said, "I just believe."
I yearn for some quiet time in my dormitory indeed. Solitude. Perhaps I will have too much in Hebei. Silly duck, enjoy what you have now.
昨夜，還是很乾爽，我十時左右，在露台發愣，黑壓壓的天有點波爾多紅。波爾多紅中有幾塊散雲。散雲時兒像John Steinbeck小說Travels With Charlie的小狗(Charlie)；時兒像準備索吻的面頰；時兒什麼都不像。半顆星光都沒有，閃爍了這麼多的光年，他們都倦了。驀然，我向著大海叫了一個熟悉卻陌生的名字，打了一個夏令的寒顫 。心裡迴盪著張愛玲的一句話：「遲早理想要撞著了現實，每每使他們倒抽一口涼氣，把心漸漸冷了。」
禱告內容有點重覆，靜下來，等待神幫助我去禱告。沒有什麼的說話想說了，便回房裡看書。
讀的是Thomas Merton第六卷日記，共三百三十六頁。我的靈魂很快給他的文字攝進去，看書最開心是忘我，扔下自己在別人的世界中；就像John Forbes Nash望著窗子上數字的忘我。Merton在六六年四月開始記述了他對M的情愫，修士的Solitude渴求和凡人對愛情的鬱陶--在文字中也感受那份掙扎，很佩服他那份坦白，比很多可歌可泣的小說橋段更懾慴。
I see how badly I need her love to complete me with its warmth and understanding and how utterly alone I am without her now. Some talk for a hermit! But its true and I may as well admit it.
Then the other tempetation--when I see how rough this can all become, I instinctively go back to the old rountine of drawing into my shell and putting up the defenses--not letting it go any further, anticipating the break to make it easier for myself, etc. etc. ... It seems like a contradiction of all I have been striving for and writing about ... and living for. Somehow I know it isn't. Yet I have no way of rationalizing that one! I will just have to leave it as it is--vulnerable and ridiculous.
Learning To Love: Exploring Solitude and Freedom, by Thomas Merton.
三時左右，腦人的蚊子吵醒了我。在嘗試拍蚊失敗後，我不得不抱著被褥，到客廳裡去。將電視開到陽光衛視；陽光衛視是一個奇怪的電視台，做很多記錄片，三時許在說聖女貞德，我邊看邊睡。六時許起來，有一個叫<人生在線>的節目。
<人生在線>--不錯的名字。如果用英文去說，是Life Online；不是嗎? 這些年頭的人的生活與Online不可扯破；不是嗎? 人不是常常在鋼線上走嗎?
Life Online or On line. You know, sometimes, I wish to go off line. Life Offline.
鴨子：「爸爸健在，我還在嘗試放下一些痛楚; 不是不愛他，只是收拾多年的七零八落不是朝夕的事。」
有時覺得很重很重。
星期三: 05.08.02 迷上了Thomas Merton，讀到他談Rilke，Pablo Neruda和Octavio Paz的詩時，我看得入神。做修士可以狂作詩，狂寫作，狂看書，狂理所當然地自我活在Solitude中，很不錯。恨不到。
我一生不要什麼閒舒，只想看書。我一直最愛的不是工作，是寫作。
有空不妨寫下遺囑書; 姚大狀告訴我有效的遺囑書的條件，免費的Legal Consultation。 沒有什麼留下也可以寫。你會發覺原來人生重要東西是十分簡單，遺囑書的重點是自己最持守的價值; 遺囑書也讓您發現自己一路追求的往往不是最重要的，focus of life放錯了軌道，別錯用神。 我留不了什麼，只是留下我對信仰的信心給家人和我愛的人。
你會發覺很多東西你是沒有勇氣給至親說。多荒謬。要死後才說麼?
基督徒對死亡是存著盼望的。一點不可惜。一點不可怕。可笑是那個在活著時--沒有放擔去做要做的，去說要說的，去愛要愛的--自己。有一天，我會告訴您，我再不怕了。
希望不必等到西日時。 Tuesday evening: 05.07.02
■ Doctor Bee
My little nephew came to me, with his medical gears, to "cure" me.
Dora: Why do you come to me, doctor?
Before my nephew came cheerfully to me tonight, he spent the afternoon crying and nagging for the toys for doctor.
Finally, his dad bought him the toys. The whole evening, he was busy going around to "heal" us, everyone in the family. Yes, ah Bee, there's a lot of healing needed in this family, indeed. Honestly, you are the best doctor so far God has brought to this war-torn place.
■ Avocado
Avocado finally opened again.
No one could really tell how she could find the money to keep running this store in the semi-yuppie district in Central, after closing it down for two years. No one could tell why she insisted selling only avocado sandwiches again, despite the past failure. She disappeared unknowingly for two years straight. No one knew where she had gone. Some said she, after spending some time in a seminary in Bolivia, decided to stay in South America studying different species of avocadoes. Some rumors had it that she got married in Tahiti, and divorced soon afterwards, leaving a one-year old behind. Some even said she had been locked up in an institute following the death of her mother and a series of nightmares.
No one really cared; but everyone gossiped about it.
When she came back, she went straight to renovate Avocado.
Avocado was two blocks up Stanley street, right under a bookstore. Besides it was a popular hotdog take-out.
It was May 23, 1998. Avocado tiptoed into the bustle city quietly. There was no ribbon-cutting ceremony nor flower baskets nor guests. It was just another Friday, and she opened the store at 10 in the morning.
Mute and emotionless, she stood at the counter, picked a reasonably ripe avocado, oily in the skin, took a little knife, circumvented the fruit with a line. It reminded her of the act of cutting one's whist or of space shuttle or satellite circling around a certain obit in the universe. Twisted the sliced avocado, she turned it into two halves. Skillfully, she took the knife and struck onto the hard seed, making the sharp side stuck inside the seed. Gently, she twisted her whist slightly, which in turn changed the orientation of the seed with the knife. There you go--the seed was taken out. Gingerly, she took a little tea spoon scooping the fresh yellowish green buttery avocado out.
The whole process, she often found, rather sexual. No one could have imagined; yet she could.
That's the opening ceremony of Avocado, and of an avocado.
The next morning, she decided to close the store. It never opened again. That is the end of the story.
■ My Will
I spent half an hour this afternoon writing my will. I don't think anything bad would happen to me; yet oh well, it's a good practice anyway--a good way to understand what matters to you in life, at least at the very present. I felt a little relieved to have it written down before leaving.
I don't have much possessiosn to give them, but I want to give God to them at least with my last effort--the greatest concern in my will.
My will will change. Life changes. Goals change. Attitudes change. Values change. People change. And I change. All the times.
像我這樣的一隻鴨子 ■ 住在畜牧局
哈！哈！哈！鴨子在河北的工作與住處是河北尚義縣畜牧局二樓。我還不住的大笑--真是很合適鴨子居住和工作噢~ ■ 我只是一隻癲 Duck Duck 的鴨
星期天，在教會的家會中，許牧師請眾會友為這將到國內工作的鴨禱告，我實在需要神的幫助。那邊廂，坦白的我感到有些壓力，別人看我來像頭上有光環，家會尾聲時其中的舊中學同學會友，走上前來，說了云云的說話。感謝他們的鼓勵，卻寧可希望他們眼中的Dora不過是一隻癲 Duck Duck 的鴨。
以後什麼人問我在河北幹什麼，我會回答：「數數塞北的綿羊。哈！」
今早與舊學生聊天，他說他要到廣州暨南既大學唸書．我告訴他我要北上工作，他問：「新工作係關於咩野o架..」我說：「Counting sheep！」 他回覆說：「其實數羊都幾好...幾安穩...」 我點頭，真的，你要我在中環地鐵面對面汗流浹背的毛手毛腳的人，我寧願數羊．
I am serious about God, but silly about my own bizarre life! ~~ ■ 文字和阿Q人生觀
如果我不是從小就寫作，不斷的在寫；如果我沒有傻乎乎的阿Q人生觀，我想我早就瘋了。我一生不是計劃，而是一連串的誤解，誤會，誤打誤撞。 ■ 數磚頭
袋鼠朋友有回與三歲小袋鼠女兒和友人到Canberra玩；女兒要小解，媽媽不在，袋鼠朋友帶小袋鼠進了男仕洗手間。
小袋鼠：「爸爸，那個叔叔在做什麼？」（小袋鼠指著面壁小解的叔叔甲）
小袋鼠小解完．
袋鼠：「女女，你在這兒和叔叔（袋鼠友人）一起，爸爸要去洗手間．」 ■ Greenwaves
Yu-jia送給我的Secret Garden的CD中，有一首歌我十分喜歡；歌詞寫得很Lyrical．
I remember a meadow one morning in May,
There are waves of forgiveness and waves of regret.
Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart
What I'd give to remember that heavenly state
Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart
■ Tonight I can Write:
In Nomine Domini Nostri Jesu Christi.
星期五: 05.17.02
■ 匆匆
匆匆的我走了，正如我匆匆的來。
星期四: 05.16.02
■ 無聲的點唱
今天，很想串燒一連串的金曲送給各方好友，在七十年代中葉出生的鴨子，口味是老了點，但容許我打碟，做一天無聲的DJ?
■ 絲綢之路
這是我一直最喜歡的歌，它在我兒時已經種在心靈裡，第一首的歌自私地先送給自己。 雖然，我還有兩天便離開研究所，但仍努力看西部開發的書。 今早，看的正是秦漢己開始的絲綢之路; 想不到下星期四便高飛塞外的天蒼蒼山隱隱瀚浩。
沙灰灰 雪素素 白白野草
深深思 細細看 共覓盛唐瀚浩
邊關中 野照裡 認認宋土
找心根 我與你 共覓面前大道
願共你同去踏開新絲路
我相信 同行萬里途 合力自會行對路
憑著龍傳下的勇 顯實力 覓我遙遠中國路
邊關中 野照裡 認認宋土
找心根 我與你 共覓面前大道
以無限堅忍 用全力 自創長遠大道
憑著龍遺下的愛 開闢萬歲千秋中國路
以無限堅忍 用全力 自創長遠大道--各位我愛的人，努力噢!
■ 人人期望可達到
在亞太所工作了年半，最大的收穫是認識到很好的朋友，更認識了神。認識亞太所中的貓同事是我一個福份，貓同事近日受到很大的打擊，身為好友的我幫不了什麼忙，只有默默禱告。但我深信她可以rise above痛楚，更新，找回昔日那個有吉屎[guts]的自己，重新發條，無懼前行。貓: 誰都喜歡你小貓也自豪!
人人期望可達到
我的快樂比天高
人人如意開心歡笑
跳進美夢尋獲美好
你的希望必得到
離奇神化不可思議
心中一想就得到
雲外看琴譜
你睇 叮噹來啦
小貓也自豪
小貓也自豪
■ 小李飛刀
森林中的另一位好友狐，忙於或忘於在感情中嗎? 你常給我的感覺是在三種形態出現: 水、冰、氣。水是準備戀愛; 冰是苦於失戀中; 氣是熱戀中。戀塵碌碌的你總像騙著自己的情感，鳥倦要知還。你活得不快樂，對嗎? 不知道為什麼選上了<小李飛刀>，可會考慮放下飛刀，在神的國找那份可填補心靈的愛?
小李飛刀
闖不過 柔情蜜意 亂揮刀劍沒結果
流水滔滔斬不斷 情絲百結衝不破
刀鋒冷 熱情未冷 心底更是難過
無情刀 永不知錯 無緣份 只嘆奈何
面對死 不會驚怕 離別心悽楚
人生幾許失意 何必偏偏選中我
揮刀劍 斷盟約 相識註定成大錯
■ You Raise Me Up
Skippy is a person I truly have to thank God for. Hardly could I imagine Christ will call on me and ask me to come to Him through this friend in Ozzy. I don't really know how to describe this beloved friend of mine--but I can honestly tell you that he raises me up. Skippy may be the instrument of God; yet honestly, he came to catch up when I was falling non-stopped at full speed to an abyssal darkness. Every line of this song speaks the encouragement and trust he's on me.
When troubles come and my heart burdened by.
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence.
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas.
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
you raise me up... To more than I can be.
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder.
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
■ 我要向高山舉目
以下的一首歌是要給我主內的好妹妹Susan，這詩歌十分簡單，但我想我倆很明白箇中的意願，共勉之。
我的幫助從何而來
我的幫助從造天地
的耶和華而來＊× 2
■ AS IF WE NEVER SAID GOODBYE
There's one last song I would like to give to you, someone I have truly loved and still do. You gave this song to me months ago, and now I give you in return.
AS IF WE NEVER SAID GOODBYE
I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted scenes, the sound here.
Yes a world to rediscover,
But I'm not in any hurry
And I need a moment.
The atmosphere as thrilling here as always
Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why everything's as if we never said goodbye.
Just trying to resist you
I'm trembling now
You can't know how I've missed you,
Missed the fairy-tail adventures
In this ever-spinning playground
We were young together.
The lights already burning,
Not long until the camera's will start turning
And the early morning madness
And the magic in the making...
Yes, everything is as if we never said goodbye.
This world's waited long enough,
I've come home at last!
And brighter than we knew it.
So watch me fly, we all know I can do it...
Could I stop my hand from shaking?
Has there ever been a moment with so much to live for?
So much to say not just today but always.
We'll have early morning madness.
We'll have magic in the making.
Yes, everything is as if we never said goodbye...
Oh, please don't ever ever make me say goodbye.
■ 尾聲
時間和技術上許可的話，我到了河北後，你會仍在這兒看到我的文字。謝謝你們無聲的到訪，我一直不知道我的文字有什麼吸引力，但若一天你不見我Update了，耐心等待。
星期三下午: 05.15.02
■ 尋找他鄉的故事
第六輯的《尋找他鄉的故事》己經開始播放了，我只看了在剛果賣衣服、蒜頭和咸魚的中國人的那一集。中國人不是猶太人般，以前在沒有國家時要散落異地；但他們卻實在離開了，在世界上什麼的地方都立足。《尋》的概念是不錯，但鄰散在異地的受訪中國人那種無奈眼眸，叫我膩了。
(二) 到南加洲大學追訪那雙雙對對駕駛保時捷跑車的黃種男女。
(三) 到各大學的商學院看看金髮者被淹沒於黑髮潮水中的情況。
No Matter What -- by Boyzone
No matter what they teach us, What we believe is true
No matter where they take us, We'll find our own way back
I know I'll love forever, I know, no matter what
If only prayers were answered, Then we would hear God say
No matter where it's barren, A dream is being born
No matter how they judge us, I'll be everyone you need
No matter what the end is, My life began with you
I know, I know, I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now, No matter what
■ Midnight
It's after mid-night already, though I have to write. Sometimes I really don't know why I constantly could not resist coming back in front of this keywords. The simplest answer to this is the deprivation of expression in reality. I choose to do it in a virtual context.
星期二: 05.14.02
■ Eternity Minus One
This afternoon, pak-lum, former colleague, came to have lunch with meow, mouse, and me. A few conversations we have still kept hovering my mind--too damn funny.
Duck: No. Don't want cut it up there; so keep it long and bundle it into a pony tail is the easiest.
Pak-lum: No, you should try the barbers up in China ma. (laughing)
Duck: Yes, I ask those who shed wool from the sheep to cut for me. (laughing)
Meow: No la. Come to our office first ma. You have time gar.
Duck: Yes. You will still have time. Come to Hebei with me too. (we all laughing)
Pak-lum: Yes, yes. My time is eternity. So Eternity minus one is still eternity.
Duck: That's a brilliant idea. Eternity minus one year is still eternity.
Meow (seriously asking): Is that right that you Christians think that way?
Duck and Pak-lum (laughing so loud)
Pak-lum: If Christians tell you that way, they are probably belonged to a cult.
Duck (confused, still thinking of the eternity concept): Pak-lum, if eternity minus one year is still eternity, why should be working at all?
Pak-lum: Hahahah, that's why I quitted my job.
Pak-lum and Meow (laughing).
Duck: Yes, take your maternal leave too (laughing).
Pak-lum: Yes, yes. Tell them you are pregnant and need to have the leave.
Meow (laughing)
Pak-lum: Later, when they asked you where's your baby, tell them that you accidentally dropped it.
Duck -_-" (we are really nuts)
■ 等
留言版突然傻了，靜心等待它康復，好嗎?
■ Wait
Wait patiently. I am waiting for words to come under my eyelids mentally, and you will see something new. Smile.
星期一: 05.13.02
■ Meadow
Between the so-called reality and fantasy, I believe, lies a verdant meadow upon which I could rest.
■ Dean
Ja, I am Dean Duck Duck, not deen duck duck. Dean of Department of Duckology.
Quack 101: Linguistic Duckology.
Quack 201: Post-colonial Duck Literature.
Quack 202: Cross cultural perspectives on Duck.
Quack 301: Honors Thesis Methoduckology.
■ 流
我是 / 在火車中 / 的 / 你 / 看見到 / 霎眼而過 / 似乎 / 好像是 / 不錯的 / 半秒 / 流動風景 /// 據說 / 流動風景 / 不是 / 真實 / 令人 / 不安 / 捉摸 / 不到 /// 據說 / 流動風景 / 可能 / 是 / 一個 / 傳說 / 或 / 是 / 童話 / 故事 ///沒有 / 人 / 相信 / 傳說 / 或 / 童話 / 故事 ///
沒有 / 人 / 會 / 認真 / 下車 / 看過 / 究竟 /// 流動 / 的 / 是 / 在火車中 / 的 / 人 / 不是 / 風景
■ 收
最後的一星期
執拾東西搬回家
再執拾東西準備再離家
收拾東西一點不難
收拾心情卻要時間
■ 掉
去也是留
留也是去
箇中的分別
我還是弄不清
感覺很怪
我由始至終都沒有離開的感覺
身邊的人卻像趕緊告別我
我還是弄不清是他們要離開我
還是我要離開他們
我的心一直拋了錨 很定很定
沒有離開過
人們卻不明白
都趕緊放下我
在矇矇亮兒的天邊被扔掉時
誰會承接著我?
接著破了翼的我
■ 字
很多書都送了人家
很多衣物都送了人家
很多文字卻放進磁碟中 再放進抽屜裡 再鎖好
奈何他們常常溜出來 誤闖思維中
■ 飛
莫同事派信走過
得悉我快離去
問我：你要高飛還是低飛？
我一面迷惑
他說：高飛即轉到更合適的工；低飛即唸書
我微笑
說：先高飛；再低飛；然後降落
星期日: 05.12.02
■ 茶樓
星期日，母親節，沒有跟媽媽上茶樓。
■ 忌宜
■後記：
星期四: 05.09.02
■ Life Online
星期四下雨的早上，我到露台坐了許久，不過是愛上那雨滴。
April 28, 1966.
人是否永遠逃不掉love與solitude中的掙扎? 我還沒有看下去，卻知道他最後會選擇Solitude；我也在沒有關燈的床上衝盹兒。睡去 。
■ 鴨爸爸
有回盈朋友問 ：「為什麼很少聽你提及爸爸?」
■ 晴
心情如五月陽光，晴。
Doctor Bee: [looked at me mischievously] I want to check you out.
Dora: I am not dying por~
Doctor Bee: That's good. If you're dead, I cannot give you medication.
星期二: 05.07.02
袋鼠：「嗯．．．叔叔在數磚頭（counting the bricks of the wall)」(忍笑）
小袋鼠：「爸爸，你要數磚頭呀？」
Greenwaves
With a sky full of dreams that sailed in that day.
I was dancing through green waves of grass like the sea
For a moment in time I could feel I was free.
And the first waves of true love I'll never forget.
In the meadow that morning as I wondered alone
There were green waves of yearning for life
still unknown.
Where the waves reach as far as you can see.
Take me home to the meadow -- we've been too long apart,
I can still hear you calling for me.
Just a moment in time -- all mine to create.
As I'm taking my last breath I know what I'll see
There'll be given waves forever out there waiting for me.
Where the waves reach as far as you can see.
Take me home to the meadow -- we've have too long apart,
I can still hear you calling for me.
每人都有自己的"meadow that cradles the heart"，那個柔柔窩著內心深處的草坪搖籃．我知道那兒是我的草坪搖籃，因為內心告訴我--我已經遇上了．雖然搖籃不見了，但我記得我曾經盪在那兒．
Monday evening: 05.06.02