If you must lie, be brief.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

How do Belgians play hide-and-seek? They cover their eyes.

Common sense is the least common of all senses.

Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

Oh yeah? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

"She dyes her hair so much, her driver's license has a color wheel."

Even a broken watch is right twice a day.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

The meek shall inherit the earth...if that's OK with you.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

In Iraq: "Please don't water the plants, or the microphones will rust".

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

This [send money] is a [send money] subliminal [send money] message.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Those little dinky pull-down napkins at McDonald's are good for just seven French fries and two bites of a Big Mac.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the top of a coffin?

Saw a guy wearing a T-shirt that read: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up."

When the programmers finished making the Y2K changes in our office, the calendar on my PC red: "Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak...."

I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I have the body of a god - Buddha.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucius say many hands make light work.  

Sign next to the super highway: "You aren't looking at the road!"

They make you think smoking marihuana makes you paranoid.

Dangerous guys, those dinosaurs. Foot-prints there are, but no finger-prints.

A Belgian stewardess fell in love with the automatic pilot.

Recession: your neighbour loses his job.
Depression: you lose your job.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vender?
"Make me one with everything."

There are 3 kinds of people in life: Those who can count and those who can't.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

"It was an accident, officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times."

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman: "What did you do that for?"

Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "Of course not."
Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

Man: "I could go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Teacher: "Why are you late?"
Student: "There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill."
Teacher: "That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?"
Student: "No. I was standing on it."

Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down."

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.