******Episode 30******
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'The Emperor took an IQ test, and the results were negative'
Imperial Commando: Hello, and welcome to the Imperial Carnival!
Darth Vader: Uh.... Carnival?
Emperor: I like Cantaloupes!
Imperial Commando: Yeah, it's a fund raiser...
Darth Vader: A fund raiser?!? We've got too much money as it is!
Imperial Commando: We're testing a new kind of TIE... given how good our pilots are, we're gonna need enough money to make a couple thousand, and to build more storage areas in case one suicidal, disgruntled pilot decides to blow himself up by crashing into the bay where all of the new TIES are being stored.
Darth Vader: What's the new TIE look like?
Imperial Commando: It's got some polka dots...
Darth Vader: Anything else?
Imperial Commando: It's not a clip-on...
Darth Vader: I swear talking to you is like talking to a very argumentative brick wall...
Imperial Commando: I working on my Emperor impression, pretty good, eh?
Emperor: Did I tell you about the time I laughed while eating a cantaloupe? It went out my nose!
Darth Vader: (looking at the Emperor for a few seconds) You've got a LONG way to go.
Imperial Commando: It's a tough job, but I'm willing to take it on!
Darth Vader: About the TIE though...
Imperial Commando: Oh, you noticed... It's new, I just got it yesterday...
Darth Vader: I meant the new TIEs that we're testing...
Imperial Commando: What about 'em?
Darth Vader: What do they look like?
Imperial Commando: That's classified...
Darth Vader: Come on! I have level 5 clearance!
Imperial Commando: Yeah well... it's level 6...
Darth Vader: And how long has THAT existed?
Imperial Commando: About 20 seconds now....
Darth Vader: A diabolical brick wall....
Imperial Commando: Anyway... Enjoy the carnival...
Darth Vader: What's there to do here?
Imperial Commando: You can ride rides, play some games... look at the freak show...
Darth Vader: What KIND of games?
Imperial Commando: Pin the tail on the Rebel...darts... extra points for hitting the Rebels in the heart... knock down the Rebel... ring the rebel... throw horseshoes on the Rebel's head...
Darth Vader: I get the point... what's the freak show?
Imperial Commando: We captured some Gungans, and dressed them up...
Darth Vader: Ooooh! Where's that?
Imperial Commando: In the big red tent to your right...
Darth Vader: All right... see you later!
Imperial Commando: Hehe... You sure will...
HELLO, I'M THE NARRATOR... WE'RE GOING TO FOLLOW DARTH VADER FOR THE NEXT FEW MINUTES, SINCE IMPERIAL COMMANDO INFORMS ME THAT IT'LL BE PRETTY FUNNY...
Darth Vader:(walks into the red tent) I'm here for the freak show...
Imperial Worker #1: Ah, we've been expecting you... See Sherry over there, she'll get you fixed up for the show...
Darth Vader: What?
Imperial Worker #1: Come on, hurry up, we don't have all day(pushes Darth away)
Sherry: Come on, we've got 5 minutes until we have to all be ready...(puts some make-up on Darth's helmet, and puts a costume on him) Now move along, with the rest of the Gungans...
Darth Vader: Huh?
Gungan #1: OOOH! A new fwend!
Gungan #2: Yay!
Gungan #3: Hewo!
Gungan #4: Meesah Jar Jar Binks!
(BANG!!!)
Admiral Bob IV: Nice SHOT Imper- Err.. Darth Vader... Sorry, force of habit.
Darth Vader: Also, a certain Imperial Commando has some explaining to do... By the way... where's Admiral Bob III this week?
Admiral Bob IV: Well, remember how-
Darth Vader: Wait, I know this... First he had Anthrax, then Ebola, E-Coli, Influenza, Hepatitis C, Tuberculosis, Aids, then Smallpox!
Admiral Bob IV: Um... yeah... Well, anyway, this week he has rabies.
Darth Vader: Ew... How'd he get that?
Admiral Bob IV: He got bit by a rabid Gungan.
Darth Vader: I s-
Gungan #1: Hi! Fwend! How is yousa-
(BANG!!!)
Gungan #1: I feew fwunny-
(BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!!)
Gungan #1: OWSA! (Falls over)
Admiral Bob IV: Mediocre shot, Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: Why?
Admiral Bob IV: It took you FOUR shots to kill that gungan.
Darth Vader: Sorry... I was aiming for his head at first...
Admiral Bob IV: Ahh... Why don't you try again on gungan #2...
(BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!! CLICK!!!)
(Gungan #2 dies)
Admiral Bob IV: Nice shot, Darth Vader, I guess... But where are his vital organs...
Darth Vader: In his arse.*
Admiral Bob IV: Why is THAT not surprising...
Imperial Worker #1: AAAHH!!!!! What have you done to my Gungans!!! My beautiful, beautiful gungans!
Darth Vader: Geez, I didn't know you felt so strongly for single-celled organisms...
Admiral Bob IV: That's only their brains Darth...
Darth Vader: Oopsie...
Imperial Worker #1: Now we'll have to find two more gungans! Where are we going to find two more Gungans?
Darth Vader: Try some tree-stumps... they can act better at least, they're smarter too.
Admiral Bob IV: Nice INSULT Darth Vader!!!
Darth Vader: Wow, did Imperial Commando give you a promotion?
Admiral Bob IV: Yup...
WELL, UM... THAT WAS, WELL, INTERESTING... ANYWAY, BACK TO IMPERIAL COMMANDO...
Imperial Commando: Hello, and welcome to the Imperial Carnival!
Stan Um... ok... We.. well... Why'd we stop here again honey?
Stan's wife: To ask for directions!
Stan: What? What's that?
Stan's wife: Pffft... men... Excuse me sir, do you know how to get to Bob's ice cream parlor?
Emperor: Have you seen my new friend, Mr. Stump? He would be a Gungan, but some maniac shot a bunch of them...
Stan: Uh...
Imperial Commando: Just ignore him... After a while he starts to just blend in with the background noise...
Stan's Wife: So do you?
Imperial Commando: Yeah... Go left from here, keep going for about a mile, then turn right. Get out of the car and ask the people in the gas station how to get there.
Stan's Wife: Err... ok, thanks...
Stan: WE ARE NOT LOST!!!!
OK, THERE'S A SMALL TIME LAPSE, WHEN IMPERIAL COMMANDO LEAVES HIS.... POST... SO TO SPEAK, AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE CARNIVAL. HE'S GOING TO WATCH THE FREAK SHOW... MAN, I'M PRETTY GOOD AT THIS NARRATOR STUFF!
Imperial Commando: Well, here I am... at the freak show...
Weird-looking dude: The freak show starts in 1 minute with or without you!
Imperial Commando: OW! I'm right here, you don't have to shout.
Weird-looking dude: Sorry.
Imperial Commando: What?
Weird-looking dude: SORRY!!!
Imperial Commando: OW! Geez, I'm standing right here, you don't need to shout!
Weird-looking dude: Sorry. Look at these freaks in the freak show! These Gungans, such freaks!
Audience: BOO!!! Those aren't REAL Gungans!!!
Weird-looking dude: Erf, um, of course they are! Now, back to the Gungans, they have a natural handicap, having an IQ around that of the Emperor...
Audience: But what you're using is SMARTER than a Gungan!!! You're using tree stumps!
Weird-looking dude: (thinking fast) Ah, but see, these tree stumps are considered freaks by their peers.
Audience: Um, riiiiiiii-
(TSEW!!!)
Dr. Evil: (appearing on a TV screen) All right, I've had about enough of people using my line on this e-zine. If people continue using my line, I'll just have to develop my "Laser" and destroy one city every hour, on the hour, that is, unless, you pay me..... ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!!!
Darth Vader: (blinks) Um, what's a dollar.
Dr. Evil: Oh nevermind, end transmission... (turns to #2) I think they fell for it!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah!!!!!
#2: Ah haa ahahahahahahahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Dr. Evil: (looking back at the screen) Oh crap. END TRANSMISSION!!! When I tell you to end transmission, you END TRANSMISSION you fat sonofa-
KKKKKKKKKKKKKKTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!(The TV goes to static)
Imperial Commando: WE WANT TO SEE THE *REAL* FREAKS!!!
Weird-looking dude: Umm... We don't currently have any REAL-
The Emperor: Did you know that if you fart into a fire, the fire gets REALLY BIG!
Weird-looking dude: Hold on...(throws a cage over the Emperor)
The Emperor: Meesah Jar Jar Binks!
Imperial Commando: (looks at Weird-looking dude)
Weird-looking dude: (shrugs) Must be contagious(goes back to watching the Emperor)
The Emperor: Exqueeze me... how does meesah get out of this cagesa?
Imperial Commando: Well, THAT was interesting.
Darth Vader: No it wasn't...
Imperial Commando: Well, DDDUU- Waitaminute. Come here Darth... (smiles evilly)
Darth Vader: (backing up, while looking around nervously) Get away from me....(turns around, and runs) AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Imperial Commando: Hehehe... I love doing that...
Producer: Imperial Commando, you're scheduled to be on three commercials in a few hours...
Imperial Commando: All RIGHT!!!
FIRST COMMERCIAL....
Imperial Commando: Let's face it... We ALL go bald at SOME point... That's why I use Rogain! The treatment for men... or whatever... Let's talk to some satisfied customers... Hello Sir, do you think Rogain worked for you?
Chewbacca: (does that weird growl-whine that he does)
Imperial Commando: Oh, I see... Well, it certainly LOOKS like Rogain has worked for you...
Chewbacca: (growl thing, you know... let's get on with it)
Imperial Commando: Ok, let's talk to another satisfied Customer... Mr. Producer, I see YOU use Rogain...
Producer: Um, no I don't... This is natural..
Imperial Commando: It is? Ewwwwww.....
Director: CUT!!!
SECOND COMMERCIAL......
Imperial Commando: Let's face it, we ALL get a little down at some point... That's why I use Cocaine! That's right, Cocaine... Why snort flour, when you can snort, Cocaine... Let's talk to some satisfied customers...
Richard Simmons: Well, I've been taking Cocaine for YEARS now, and I can tell you, I'm in the best shape of my *SNOOOOOOORRRT* LIFE!!!!
Imperial Commando: Um... well... THAT was interesting...
Director: CUT!!!
THIRD COMMERCIAL......
Imperial Commando: Let's face it, we ALL get a little down at some point... That's why I use VIAGRA.... ok, that's it, I quit!
BACK TO THE DART-THROWING BOOTH...
(SWOOSH)
Orange 11: AAARRRGGGG!!!!!!
(SWOOSH)
Orange 11: OWww- (dies)
Blue Leader: PAYING to kill them like this.
Bobina: That was fun. Can we try Metallic Green 8 now?
Bobaloo: (Bobina's father) I think so. Hey honey, I'll help our daughter with Metallic Green 8. Why don't you see if you can get a heart shot (and 3 free throws) on blue 11. (Pays the booth person 50 credits)
Bobette: (Bobaloo's wife) This will be fun. (Pays the booth person 50 credits)
Blue Leader: (Silently draws his blaster-
UM, YEAH... SOME READERS MAY MISUNDERSTAND THAT LINE... BLUE LEADER IS REMOVING HIS BLASTER FROM ITS HOLSTER AND AIMING IT. HE IS *NOT* DRAWING A PICTURE OF HIS WEAPON. THANK YOU.
(SWOOSH)
Metallic Green 8: Missed me!
(SWOOSH)
Metallic Green 8: AAAUUGGG!!! (Collapses against the back wall, clutching his leg)
Bobina: Heeh-heeh!
(SWO-tsew)
Bobaloo: What was that?
Bobina: My dart! Someone shot it! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Bobaloo: And it was going to be a heart shot! (To the booth person) Can we have an extra dart? One of ours vaporised.
Booth Person: Didn't you read the disclaimer! It says that if the dart vaporizes, it's your own stinkin' fault, nyeh.
Bobaloo: HEY, WE PAID FOR THAT DART YOU FAT-
~~~~~~~Thank you, thank you~~~~~~
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