There are 33 parties running for this election. One, which actually had a minor chance at the beginning of the race three months ago, decided to drop out after the head of the party joined another party instead. So we are left with 32. Of those 32, 4 are Arab parties, and an even higher number are "JEWISH" parties. By "JEWISH" I mean these are the parties that enable us to laugh at ourselves instead of thinking about serious issues.
So without further ado, the Jewish parties of the election. (In Israel, the vote for a party is done by using slips of paper with the party's code letter on it. Each party has one, two, or three letters assigned to it, and these appear on the ballots and in campaign ads.)
United Torah Judaism. This party, among other things, had a campaign ad on TV (how many UTJ voters have TV's?) with the letter gimmel (their code letter) swaying back and forth davening at the Kotel. In the women's section. I wonder how the cameraman was allowed to film that.
Moreshet Avot. This party's leader is Rabbi Yosef Ba-Gad. This is the same man who served in the Knesset between 1992 and 1996, and started singing at the top of his lungs every time Yael Dayan spoke. He also sat on the Knesset floor and cried until he started laughing hysterically the night the Oslo Accords were signed. He submitted his candidacy for Prime Minister in March. A candidacy needs to be accompanied by a petition with 50,000 signatures on it. His petitition had 2000, and a further 48,000 which were repeated many times over.
The Negev party. This reminds me of the Dr. Seuss story of the North-Going Zax and the South-Going Zax. Here, we have a "South Party". They are running so that the Negev can be represented in the Knesset. Forget about the fact that about 10 MK's come from that region. But what really interests me is the advertising campaign they have going in the Golan Heights.
Penina Rosenblum. This woman is running at the head of a party called, what else, the Penina Rosenblum party. Her platform is basically women's issues. Penina Rosenblum is the Mary Kay of Israel. She is a former soft-porn actress and part-time hooker who turned into the cosmetics queen of Israel. She is funding her own campaign, and by the number and size of her billboards, it appears that she is quite well off at the same time. But if her party is called the Penina Rosenblum Party, why do none of the other candidates have that name? Take, for instance, number two on her list: Avi Balashnikov. A number of interesting questions come to mind. No doubt they will be raised by the Men's Rights party in the last week of the campaign...
The Green Leaf Party. This party apparently believes that if all 120 Members of Knesset smoked marijuana or hashish, Israeli policy would be much more coherent. You know something? They may have a point.
The Natural Law Party. A commentator on Arutz-7 the other day called on all listeners of Arutz-7 to vote for this party. In his words, this party believes that we don't need to negotiate anything. Peace will come through meditation and spiritual oneness with our adversaries. Of course, they will also need to meditate, but that can be accomplished through a meeting of the minds. In this way, we never have to meet with Arafat or shake his hand. We would simply levitate the agreement, just as the ceremonial "kinyan" is lifted. In addition, everyone would be more relaxed, which would lower the number of car accidents, and screamed obscenities in the shuk, and make everyone friendlier. You know something? They may have a point.
The Casino Party. The slogan on their posters is: The right economy for Israel. By way of explanation, the posters also feature a picture of the party leader (not his name, mind you). This guy looks like he lost all his teeth in a barroom brawl on the ground floor of a casino. The picture was taken the next morning while he still had his hangover, without sunglasses.
The Men's Family Rights Party. This party's electoral code letter is zayin. 'Nuff said.
On Monday evening, I heard one of the contenders for Prime Minister, who seriously will get my vote come election day (and that is the only hint I am giving you) say the following:
We have a beauty party, we have a casino party, we have a drugs party, we have a meditation party. Does anyone remember the Taxi Drivers' Party from 1992? These are really important issues that need to be dealt with by the government?
Copyright 1999. Reproduction in print or electronic format by permission only.
