Tourist Life Emma and I dressed up as foreign tourists today and navigated the city in an intensely pretentious, rudely obnoxious but completely hilarious way (her idea). I went as Sophia Loren, complete with huge floppy hat, sunglasses that went to my chin, and a snooty I-am-sooo-worldly accent. Emma was Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's, with her hair in a twist and an offhandedly charming Brit accent...
First stop: the double decker bus that goes around the city, where we insistedon upper-level seats ("But darling, we simply must sit on this level so we can see over this revolting layer of smog,") and generally made obnoxious comments about everything we saw. ("That's the CN Tower? Rather an obvious phallic symbol to have as the pride of the city, isn't it?") Marvellous.
Next we strolled through Prada, Gucci and Chanel, trying on whatever was most expensive and then complaining that is was so last season..."I would give my right arm for that tan butter-soft leather purse," whispered Emma as we sashayed through Gucci, "but then I wouldn't have anywhere to put the bag..." We left in fits of giggles...
Had lunch at Sotto Sottos, craning our necks rather tactlessly to catch an eyeful of any potential celebrities (I thought I saw Suzanne Sommers scarfing down some fettucine Alfredo, but turns out it was a false alarm--fancy, another 50-something, silicone enhanced blonde in the same city!) Lapsed in my pretty-pathetic-to-begin-with Italian accent when ordering, and the uppity waiter looked at me suspiciously. Fortunately, Emma stepped in with her immaculate phony British and ordered "something saucy, please," and winked at him. We shared "Crab cutlettes with a mint and mango coulis," because it was the cheapest appetizer. Tried not to look too hungry as we scarfed it down. Fortunately, the bubbles from all the San Pellegrino we drank helped to fill our stomachs...
Then we went to the lobby of the Four Seasons and acted like we had rooms there, zooming up and down in the elevator saying flighty things in front of important looking people "But darling, if Oscar finds out, he will be put out. After all, 27 affairs in six months is a bit much, don't you think?" )The looks we got were classic--especially from a 50ish matronly woman, who stared us down fiercely but was no doubt upset that she didn't get the same action.
All in all, a pretty entertaining day...reached new heights of superficiality (is that a word?) and had a damn good time doing it, too. We are thinking of crashing an amateur poetry reading next, and reading some phony poems ("The cows graze on the beautiful purple grass...Die COWS! DIE!") Stay tuned...and if you have any comments or ideas for other fun useless things to do, email me...